some nights...
...i get these overwhelming feelings of guilt and dread about how i’ve been behaving and living my life. i start thinking about death, life, my grandma, my relationships with others, etc., & it’s anxiety inducing!! i feel so much guilt over my shitty behavior towards others.
i think about how when i die, nothing materialistic can be taken with me. nothing matters besides the love and kindness you give to others. all that remains of me would be memories that other people have of me.
my makeup collection, clothes, etc.,— none of that matters when i’m dead. so why should it matter (so much) while i’m alive? i need to stop spending so much money on stuff, thinking that it’ll add meaning and value to my life.
the only thing that brings value to life is other people. the relationships that connect me to others. the kindness, forgiveness, love, & patience that’s given and returned.
i need to stop focusing on materialistic stuff and remember that i only have 1 life.
death scares me so much, i’m terrified of dying and being absolutely nothing. the idea of not existing is too hard to comprehend & gives me so much anxiety and fear. there’s more to life that worrying about my weight and buying the latest makeup.
i need to focus on family, friends, & myself.
