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@brightlights-darkhearts
Hiatus
So it’s been over a year. Things have definitely changed. But guess who’s back and better than ever? College is fun, and a few things have happened. Like me getting a girlfriend (the lovely @irmagerd) getting into the music school (finally) and me getting a car (sorta)! So in a continuous effort to write and etch out my feelings, I will keep writing blog posts here! Feelings UNITE!
Dog - Zoned
Basically, when a girl calls you "adorable" or "sooo cute" or anything that even slightly resembles what you might say to a two-month-old shiatsu puppy.
My Reasons Why
I have reasons for doing and not doing things. And recently, I feel like I've had more reason to push myself away from people. Everyone around me is bae-ing up. And by bae-ing up, I mean that everyone is jumping into relationships. Now this usually happens around this time of year. It's also around this time of year that I end up committing to a very, very, very horrible relationship. It's happened a lot. But I also have a singular good memory from around this time of year, when I was with Kaylah. I'd rather not think about her right now. But my thing is this: I already have experience with not having the best luck with relationships, so why try again? I've inevitably dog-zoned myself for everyone (new term I learned today), and for those who I haven't fucked things up with, I'm just not attractive to them. I need to start complaining to my blog more, so I don't seem like such a wuss to all my friends. Take these for examples:
Erin: Gave her the most attention in the world from the moment I met her in the summer. Always told her how beautiful she was, and made sure that she had a smile. Turns out she was just using me for the positive support. Now she calls me annoying anytime I try to talk to her. So you know what I did? I stopped talking to her.
Jade: Wasn't gonna happen. No hope for that.
And now here I am, slowly developing feelings. And it just gets me thinking: is it worth it? Cause honestly, it doesn't feel worth it anymore. I'm tired of wasting my time on all these girls. I wish they weren't around me. I wish I was back home. I wish I was back in Dallas, because Houston is making me depressed.
Move In Changed Me
Let me just say something: Ever since I moved in, I realized that I couldn't be as introverted as I used to be. Which means I can't spend as much time typing up on this blog as I'd love to. Which means I won't be doing daily posts anymore. Just every once and a while posts. I hope that doesn't offend anyone following my blog for my daily updates. But I love the University of Houston! I love being in the Spirit of Houston. I love the Jazz Band. I love the friends I've made. Ali, Jade, Rebecca, Tehillah, Cassidy, Rooh, Claudia, Emily, Bryston, Britta. Everyone. Band people too. It's been great here so far. I love it. And there will be more stories to come. Go Coogs!
August 16th, 2014
Less than 24 hours till Houston. I lied. I went to the rec center one last time with Keven and Alexia today. Alexia went to do leg workouts in the weight room, while Keven and I played 25 with random guys in the gym. I got tired so far and so easily, that dang it I don't know if I could keep up. But hey, I did, and I survived. I cleaned my room up today and tidied up. Cleaned my bathroom and packed my essentials in there. When I finished, everything looked so clean and nice....And then I'm leaving tomorrow. It's hitting me hard. My mom took me to my hairdresser Tavatha one last time for a final edge up before college, and it kept getting harder. But I'm excited. We stuffed everything in my mom's car, and we hit the road tomorrow. Sadly, my brother wasn't able to come with us, but it's okay. I don't hate him for it. I know what he goes through. Tomorrow is the day, and I don't know if I'm ready or not. But I really don't have a choice... Jamar, Makayla, Brianna, Nnamdi, and me. All the graduated band students who are going to be gone after tomorrow. And the ride starts here. Bonus: My mom gave me 111 more dollars just for the hell of it.
August 15th, 2014
Less than 48 hours till Houston. My mom left work early so we could go shopping for last minute stuff, and snacks. The most important thing in the world for a college student. I got so much stuff, but the most important being SOUR PATCH KIDS. All day everyday! So much is overwhelming me now. So many emotions and I don't know how to feel. College is coming up! Independence is coming up. Soon.
August 14th, 2014
3 days till Houston. I ate the last few waffles today. That's it. There goes the food. I mean, minus the pizza that Keven and I just ate right now. Alexia busted in my room and gave me $100 dollars. Last night, we had a conversation about saving money, and I guess this is the start. Now, I have $300, minus the $140 for band stuff, that's $160. Money. But I need to save it, and keep myself steady. College here we go. I got to hang out with Team Bruh today. Team Bruh consists of me, Britta Ward, Rebecca Hutchinson, and Ali (pronounced like Ally) Khalafi. We always have the most fun when we're around each other, so of course we were destined to have a great time. Ali picked me up, and we met the girls at the Stockyards, from there we went into a candy shop, where we quickly got hungry and went to Velvet Taco. Now let me inform you, VELVET TACO IS THE SHIT. So of course it was god-level with good company. After that, we went to 7th Street and got frozen yogurt. WE CHILL. It was so much fun. Fun features of Team Bruh:
Ali is built like a tree, so we call him Tree Trunks. (He drives a nice car too)
Rebecca is basic. Not really, but she's really funny, and loves to keep a conversation. And she's got a nice smile.
Britta has jungle fever to the max level. She's nice, got a pretty face, and a nice personality to match. Oh and a booty. White girl booty is rare.
There's more to Team Bruh, but that's for later. I finished packing pretty much all I need. Tomorrow, we're going shopping for the final stuff. Oh gah.
August 13th, 2014
4 days till Houston. Tonight it got real. Looking at the bill for UH brought a huge conversation with my mom and Alexia. Talking about responsibilities, getting all that money together, and so much overwhelming things......I cried. I don't know why I cried, but I just did... Maybe I was overwhelmed...maybe I was tired of it all. I know I don't want to stress my mom out any more than I have to, but this was extreme...... Maybe I was scared.. It makes sense, being scared of such a huge deal of shit. But this was next level. I didn't know what to do, or what to say. I was dead. I was sad. Then as soon as they saw I was in tears, they tried to comfort me, but the damage was done... I just want to be successful. That's all. We'll see what happens.
August 12th, 2014
5 days till Houston. We've been playing Pokemon Puzzle to keep ourselves occupied. It helps pass the time. I'm really hoping that I get along with everyone at UH. If I don't, I'm going to be very disappointed. But I ain't gonna transfer! I worked too hard to keep myself there. But now I have plans to go to a UH Soccer game with my newly made Houston friends! That's a plus.
August 11th, 2014
Alexia was supposed to come over last night to spend the week with me. She didn't. But she came over tonight, and that was cool. I went to the rec center for the last time today. Everything just seems like my last. Last pick up game in Saginaw. Last church service. Last cigarette....wait I don't smoke. But Alexia finally arrived and she brought Keven! I'm so excited to spend the week with her. On a side note, I've packed the majority of the clothes I want to take. Now it's all about the little stuff. Like things that will bring memories and nostalgia and stuff. You know. Good stuff. I need that stuff to survive on my own.
August 10th, 2014
Officially one week until I'm in Houston. Crazy, right? Today was my last time playing at the church. Ben, the piano player, wanted to basically go all out and just be all sorts of gospel-like. We did it, and hell yeah it was awesome. Or should I say....heaven yeah? I don't know. What I do know is that I can't get that text off of my mind.... Gotta get to packing.
August 9th, 2014
I did something. I was gonna do it last night, but I fell asleep. So I did it at 6 this morning. I texted Brianna. I texted her a hella long message about how I feel. With logic and emotions included. I said: "Brianna, I need to tell you something I've never had the guts to say to you in person. And this isn't going to be strictly emotion. It's going to be logical. From the first day I met you, I knew you were such an amazing person. Beautiful, smart, and over time, sassy and sarcastic. You being you all the time made me feel comfortable around you. You give me this sense of happiness that no other person gives me. Now, some things I'm scared of: the dark, insects, heights, and relationships. God they're scary. And honestly, I know you're scared of them too. The amount of emotional, mental and psychological commitment you give to someone is crazy in my opinion. And it's frightening. But with you, I know I can trust you. Logically, you should avoid things you're scared of, and normally people do. But the more logical thing to do is face your fears - that’s how we’re open to so many new possibilities, because we don’t let our fears stop us from what we want.  Every moment we spend together is magical, whether it's a moment at Smash Burger, or a energetic night at Prom. We've always clicked without trying hard. It makes sense. We make sense. I've avoided telling you things because I'm scared of how you'd react. But why be scared? I trust you. Any way that you react, I can handle it. I don't want to pressure you into anything Brianna, but I don't want you to make a decision based on your fears. I want it to be off of what you want truly. We're such amazing, best friends, and I think that's the best foundation for any relationship. In this case, things would be long distance. You always hear "long distance doesn't work ever", but why not try? If you don’t try, you’ll never know if you could do it. You try to get what you want because that’s life. And I’m trying because I want you. I can be flexible, caring, and all around supportive. I don’t want to pressure you into anything you don’t want. I’m simply putting an option out there, and I believe it’s a great one. So what do you say, Queen B? Will you take one last chance with me?" Yeah. I finally did it. And she responded about 4 hours later, saying: "I've given it a lot of thought. More than I'd like to admit sometimes, and I don't think it would work with us. I just don't think I can be any more than just me right now. You are the perfect guy, you're smart, can always make me laugh, sensitive. When I get good news, you're the first person I want to tell. When I'm upset, my first thought is to find you because I know you'll give me a hug that will make everything seem better. As college comes closer, I daydream that maybe you would come and take me on a wild adventure and either the time apart or just growing up would be what I need to feel the way you do. I don't know why I can't feel that way right now and it frustrates me. I'm sorry if I was ever stringing you on. I still love every minute we're together and I never want to lose this friendship. It's more than a friendship." .........I understand the exterior so much. Easily. But is there something else to this? Am I being very oblivious? Someone help me out here. Please. That's all that happened today.Â
August 8th, 2014
Today was the band visit and assuredly things were crazy as always. AND MR. DUFF'S BEARD OMG. So I picked up Jamar and we went to Braums to snag some ice cream. He just had to be making jokes about Steak and Shake the entire time, but it was funny so I let it slide. After that we went to Chick-Fil-A to catch Saira and Taylor slipping. We hung out there before we took off to Mac. Our plan was to all show up at the student parking lot at 11 then we'd see the band doing their thing. We show up....WHAT. THE HELL. NO ONE IS HERE. WHAT. UH. So we almost decided to leave, when Michael and Jerray informed us that they were in the auditorium with the band. So we went through the band hall to the auditorium. As me, Jamar, and Taylor were making our way to the auditorium, we heard a faint "GUYS!" down the hall. Coming down the hall was Lupita, Saira, and Queen B herself. It was great to see everyone. Brianna came and gave me a big hug, and I gave her a present: a mockingjay pin. She loves the Hunger Games series, so I decided to give her something meaningful. As I gave it to her, I even said "I'm betting on you, Mockingjay." She smiled so big, it made me smile. We took Edy, Deiby, Isaiah, Somar, and Jarad to lunch with us to Burger Street. We had so much fun sharing stories and just being there. Going back, ALMOST crashed the car, but avoided that. Thank the Lord Almighty. Man, I leave in a little over a week. That's insane.... But I'm glad I got to see the band one last time before we left. I know they'll do great this year. Tonight, I talked with Jocelyn about everything and I think I came to a conclusion about what I'll do... tonight.
August 7th, 2014
10 days until I leave for Houston!!!! In these last few days, it's really and deeply honestly just a countdown to be honest. The days tick by as sloooooow as possible. I went to play a bit of basketball today. My foot/ankle was feeling a LOT better so of course I just decided to play anyway. But I got real tired real fast. Like, I couldn't keep up for some stupid reason. So I just left, because I was basically useless. Tomorrow is the day to go visit the band! Hopefully things go great and they love it!
August 6th, 2014
I took up Pokemon Puzzle today just to pass the time until the Dallas Send Off for the University of Houston, hosted by UH Alum. That sounded too official. So when I get there, of course everything was red. Decorations were everywhere. I signed in, and right behind me was Jessica Norris, a UH Group Message member! So immediately we hit it off, and my mom and I sat with Jessica and her parents. The food was amazing, and I met so many people. Now let me tell you about one of those people. Earlier, a couple weeks ago, a girl named Rebecca messaged me on Facebook just to ask some questions, and from there it sort of blossomed into a weird friendship. But a nice friendship. I saw some of her pictures, and she was pretty. She's nice, funny, and outgoing. She sounded appealing to me, and she lives in Dallas. She was at the Send Off, and dear lord almighty she is waaaay more beautiful in person. Like, for some reason, I was stunned. Like, damn. I was nothing compared to her. But she musn't know this. She might read this blog post some day so if you do read this Rebecca, you Rebasically suck. The rest of the send off was cool. Coffee, food, welcoming people. I made a bunch of new friends properly named Team Bruh for many reasons. After the send off, we went to Subway, and proceeded home. I had a lot of fun, and it just pumped me up for when I actually leave! August 17th, here I come!
August 5th, 2014
My mama made steak today! And I ate it real goooooood. I don't know what it is about meat. Like, I feel like a real carnivore when someone's cooking a meat I can smell visibly. Or see. Like my teeth start ache just looking at it. HECK, my teeth are aching just thinking about it. Thinking about biting into that rough, tough meat. MMM. Damn. So I finally started packing for Houston today. I have so many clothes and shoes and things I want to take....BUT I'M BAD AT THIS KIND OF STUFF. Anyone got any college packing advice? Help?!?!?!
August 4th, 2014
So I went to play basketball. It got real....REAL fast. I was real into it, when all of a sudden, I landed wrong. Oh god I rolled my ankle for like the 12th time this year. It hurt so badly, but it got better over time. I did meet someone who goes to Tarleton and knows quite a bit about UH. He was really excited to hear that I'm going to U of H next semester. It made me a bit happier about my school. I decided that I shouldn't play for the rest of the day though, so I struggled my way home on my bike. I also decided that I needed to start packing. I leave in less than 2 weeks now... Ehh, I'll do that tomorrow.