live dance play

trying to live more fully. to be more in alignment with myself and the world. trying :) documenting experiences with the year-long 'creative and expressive arts therapy' course.

[brightpinkdragon]

"Upside Down & Inside Out"

Upside down and inside out and you can feel it. Upside down and inside out and you can feel it, feel it. Don't know where your eyes are but they're not doin' what you said. Don't know where your mind is baby but you're better off without it. Inside down and upside out and you can feel it. Don't stop. Can't stop. It's like an airplane goin' down. I wish I had said the things you thought that I had said. Gravity's just a habit that you're really sure you can't break. So when you met the new you, Were you scared? Were you cold? Were you kind? Yeah when you met the new you, did someone die inside? Don't stop. Can't stop. It's like a freight train. Don't stop. Can't stop. It's like an airplane goin' down. Don't know where your eyes are but they're not doin' what you said. Don't know where your mind is baby but you're better off without it. Looks like it's time to decide. Are you here? Are you now? Is this it? All of those selves that you tried; wasn't one of 'em good enough? 'cause you're upside down and inside out and you can feel it. Inside down and upside out and you can feel it, feel it. Don't stop. Can't stop. It's like a freight train. Don't stop. Can't stop until you feel it goin' down. I wish I had said the things you thought that I had said. Gravity's just a habit that you're really sure you can't break. Upside down and inside out And you can feel it Don't stop Can't stop Until you feel it goin' down Upside down and inside out And you can feel it Don't stop Can't stop Until you feel it goin' down

[brightpinkdragon]

more drawing

Similar style to the previous one, but it did surprise me as well. I had no idea what it was going to become.

[brightpinkdragon]

it made itself

Aesthetic response, week 1

I didn’t make this. I just kept going and it made itself :) Really love it and have been sharing with everyone. It’s getting a lot of love from others too :) 

I feel happy that because of this course, I am going to engage a lot more in different arts this year. This is just week 1 and I am already enjoying it too much :) 

[brightpinkdragon]

i have a question...

Aesthetic response, week 0. 

[brightpinkdragon]

embodying and play

I am the spiral. I am going round and round, looking for something, I’m lost.

I have a shape but I am not a shape like square rectangle triangle. I am black and I am white. The black and white are both part of me. They are not separate, but muchly tightly connected. 

Around me I see red. Pain and sadness and stress. That blue island is a happy place, where everyone is trying to get to. I see many of my family and friends in red. Makes this spiral sad and go rounder. 

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In one of the visual art sessions, we were each asked to pick up a card from a bunch of cards arranged on the floor. Many of the cards were photographs (landscapes, portraits, objects) but this one stood out for me. I think because of the solid colors and abstractness, though I didn’t particularly like the pattern. 

Later we sat in pairs, and we were asked to embody any one element from our card and speak like them. I decided to just play with it, and was very pleasantly surprised with what I was able to express being that abstract thing. I had no idea that those random shapes had a story for me. The person I was sharing with found it quite impactful and we ended up having a long and lovely conversation. 

[brightpinkdragon]

drama, movement, being silly

Today was the first session of the expressive arts therapy course. One of the exercises that I really enjoyed was one that involved simple improv drama work. It was lovely to get back in touch with theatre after a few months. 

I realised that I really enjoy physical theatre: expressing, moving, performing and playing. In the case of improv, it requires a different kind of presence and thinking on your feet. All of it makes me feel very alive! 

It’s been a consistent feeling over the last one year that my work/life can no longer consist of only “mind” work. Body work, in any form, is a must. 

H and I sometimes do short and spontaneous drama/dance activities at home. They tend to be pretty random, and mostly just silly and playful. They often feel quite creative (as playful things can be) and always a lot of fun! When recently I came back to Bangalore after a month of travel, I realised that I had missed that silly and creative space. 

Over the last year, in the parties that we’ve had at home, we sometimes play games based on acting. One of them is dumb charades, where you are only allowed to enact the film by its theme or by a scene (not by breaking the words etc). Always enjoy playing such games with friends a lot (more than other physically more static games like board games, mafia, and such). 

I would love to be with family in such settings. I’ve never seen them playful and silly like that, getting out of their skin and trying to be different characters :) I’d also love to do improv/acting stuff with my undergrad college friends. I’ve been good friends with them for many years, but again we’ve mostly never shared a silly space like that together. Though silly it might be, it can be deeper and much more powerful than words. 

[brightpinkdragon]

expressive art therapy

I have just enrolled into a course on “expressive and creative art therapies”. It’s a year long part-time program and I’m feeling quite excited about it. :) 

Why am I doing this? 

In the last year, I stumbled onto doing theatre, contemporary dance, and started painting when feeling emotional. I found those experiences to be very therapeutic and eye-opening. The meaning of art for me moved from being “cool” to something very deeply connected to us and almost “essential” for everyone.

This program gives me the opportunity to engage in a personal inner journey using dance, drama and visual arts as tools for therapy and exploration. This is something I find very exciting! We will have experiential sessions and workshops in our group of 15-20 people, each one taking on their own “journey”. 

The course needs me to engage in different arts more actively this year, regularly record how I am feeling through simple art pieces (any kind of art), and see a therapist for the year to work with issues that come up for me over during the course of this program. 

I generally love talking to people and listening to their life stories. I feel I get a lot of energy by connecting with people. I feel it’s an important way of learning about the world for me. 

Therapy I feel can be really effective in helping healing and self-exploration. These, I now realise, are so essential for human health and happiness. But curiously and sadly, not commonly talked about at all. 

This program is a foundation course to become art therapists. As part of the program, I will be volunteering to see 3-4 clients (around 40 hours of therapy sessions) over the year. Quite excited to see how that goes! Never really fancied myself as a therapist :) 

As I understand, most of art therapy comes under Carl Jung’s work. I get an opportunity to learn more about his life and work, something that I have lately found myself to be interested in. 

In general, I am not sure about my long-term goals with professional therapy per se. But this is definitely something  I want to engage in and understand better at this point in time. Even if not as a therapist, I would intend to use this understanding in any work I do in the future and how I live. Needless to say I am going to change quite a bit as a person through this program! 

More about it here: http://smartmove.co.in/fecat/

[brightpinkdragon]

fears

Different people have different fears. Some people have more fears, some less.

Fear of dogs

Fear of cats

Fear of public speaking

Fear of water

Fear of intimacy

Fear of dancing in public

Fear of singing in public

Fear of having an honest conversation with parents

Fear of offending an employer

Fear of hurting someone you love

Fear of sharing one's deepest secrets

Fear of showing one's unattractive body

Fear of ghosts and spirits

Fear of rape

Fear of death

If I don’t have the same fear as you, it will be very very hard for me to understand what you go through. I can even tend to be pretty dismissive of your behaviour sometimes (if not consciously and vocally, then maybe just subconsciously).

Maybe a good way to empathise with you would be to first imagine what I feel when confronted with something I fear, and then put myself in your place. To remember viscerally that you could feel that same feeling of numbness and shutdown when faced with your own fear. That might help me realise that your fears are as real to you as mine to me.

I feel that making a conscious effort to get over one’s fear (any fear) is an act of great courage. It’s not easy at all. But it feels like one of the most meaningful things. The lesser fears we hold on to, the lighter we are and more fully we live.

I think the process of letting go of a fear can be quite scary and disorienting. It can turn your world upside down. It can open up new dimensions of yourself/world that you didn’t know existed. I am only starting in this process and it feels quite worthwhile on most days :)

Update: Mr. H reminds me that while this is good, one needn’t focus too much on the fears. Instead focus on the positive, on what you want. That makes much sense.