Sherlocked

[bristol-baby33]

A Wedding So Beautiful 9/6/25

On this day, when the world is supposed to be full of love and forever, I am lost

I look around at all of the smiling faces

Full of promise and giddy for what's to come today

But I am blue, because I lost someone that I never thought I'd lose

So I'm pessimistic, questioning whether love can ever be real

If it's worth the heartbreak and the pain and the uncertainty

All because of one person who made my world stop, without even meaning to

Wedding days and black parades,

The only times families act like families

The only time they get together and act like they care about each other

But what about the facade hiding underneath it all

Is it really because they care, or is it just for show?

See, the world views weddings as a happy thing, to rejoice and celebrate

I see it as a loss of independence, a means to an end for people who don't know what the future holds

I see it as doomsday for some and opportunity for others

As an ultimatum or a choice made just because it's what's expected

I never believed in the happily ever after

Cinderella at the ball

I never really understood it all

And now, since I've been broken, I don't believe love is for me

It makes me cry

It makes me sad and melancholy

I can't read romance novels

I can't listen to sappy love songs

I can't watch movies with a happy ending

Because I didn't get a happy ending

Maybe someday...

[smokeinsilence]

have you ever noticed you pick up little habits and phrases from the people you love? it’s no wonder our hearts are so easily broken when people leave. we become a reflection of the people that we care about and those personality traits stick with us even if the people don’t

[viridianmasquerade]

I make my ramen the way a friend taught me in eleventh grade. Every fall, I listen to a playlist made for me by a boy I drove across a border to hook up with. I eat sushi because a girl who won’t talk to me anymore made me try it, and Indian food because my best friend’s parents ordered for me before I knew what I liked. There are movies I love because someone I loved loved them first. I am a mosaic of everyone I’ve ever loved, even for a heartbeat.

[i-have-thicc-deactivated2022080]

[mikefrawley]

Our Innocence (did not yet know)

Carnival clowns and tilt-a-whirls beaches, bonfires, good time girls    angels dancing in the clouds bassinets, birthdays funeral shrouds  our innocence did not yet know it could ever feel so long ago spirits bold, our faith was strong mere children on this journey long candy apple kisses at the fair savoring moments never there then as wind and seasons changed first time lovers, long estranged nostalgic hearts breaking within and poems to take us back again rainbows, romance passion play wondering where we’d be today I love you whispers soft and low a prom night dream to be the show our innocence did not yet know it could ever feel so long ago

[carryingmydemonswithme]

When Did We Grow Up? 3/24/25

The ghosts of my past have been haunting me lately

Nostalgia hitting my heart like a bullet

Shrapnel of my memories ricochets through my conscience

Reminding me when things were easier, more fun, more everything

I miss my family and the farm life that could have been

The small town who knows everyone and the place that holds history

The family home that just smells like home, no matter how long I've been away. That holds the ghosts of people past and moments past and present who always stay

The grandparents who love me and want me around

The moments stolen away because I'm up here and they're far away

I miss the times when my friends and i would have birthday parties and sleepovers

When Gabby would run out in a cheetah print bra or we would be in a swimming pool or on the trampoline

We would be ninjas in the garden, acting out a scene from Naruto

We would try to summon spirits through Alyssa, because we truly believed we could

We would jam to songs like Numa Numa and play Spyro and Neopets, signing up with fake birthdays that we could never remember

When Deviant Art was so cool and we were so badass because we knew the song Bad Touch

We would sit at dad's seafood business, Cj and I playing war with taco sauce packets, acting like they were swordsman, angarrr

Putting together strange snacks and treats that sounded so gross, but somehow just made sense

And i remember that time I put a Trojan virus on the computer simply because I was trying to watch anime

Or when my biggest problem in life was Cullen Lavoi calling me Mississippi during recess

When Kids Place was the place to be. With a group of friends that always made me feel included and special

We were always at a pool or playing Teen Titans or playing kickball. In the gym on floor scooters, in the library playing Pinball

Or off doing something crazy like trying to summon Bloody Mary

I remember when we built up Brewer bucks at precollege, and earned good behavior points towards Yugioh cards in 2nd grade

I remember when concession stands were still the best thing ever, and we could smoke candy cigarettes without the danger of cancer

I remember the feel of the football stadium under my butt, cozy enough that I took a nap one day during gym class in high school

When we would laugh because we could. At nothing in particular other than a shared moment between friends

We thought we were so cool back then

I remember, and that's what hurts the most

Having lived those moments

Having the concept that times were just better then

Knowing that I'm grown now and acting childish is frowned upon

Knowing that I'll never get those teenage years that I never truly lived out anyways

Knowing that yesterdays will never be tomorrow's

And tomorrow's will only bring more stress and responsibility and "adulting"

That money makes the world go round and bills can lower your credit score

And buying a house seems impossible and having kids is just out of the question...

When did living become sheer motivation to just keep going?

When did it become so lifeless and monotone?

When did we start going through the motions just to get by?

When did we stop enjoying?

When did we grow up? And why?

[bristol-baby33]

10/3/20

One thing I don't understand about myself is how I can feel so guilty about something, and never fix it. If I'm feeling guilty for not talking to my grandparents, or my friends, or other family. All I have to do is pick up the phone. But I never do. If I'm feeling guilty for not spending time with my family. All I have to do is get up and walk into the living room. But I never do. When I feel guilty for acting like a bitch. All I have to do is apologize or walk away. But I never do. If I'm guilty for thinking bad things or being indecisive. There's so many things that I could be doing. But I never do them. If I feel guilty for not getting into touch with that college professor. All I have to do is send an email. But I still haven't yet. And now I'm wondering why I'm so fucked up this way. If I feel something strongly enough to feel guilty about it, then why aren't I in motion to make a change. Instead I'm letting life pass by and not growing at all. Not spending that time with the people who are important. Not taking things seriously or doing anything to move my life forward. Why am I like this?... I'm beginning to realize that I'm more selfish that I've ever meant to be.. and it has to stop. Or those people, like my grandparents, aren't going to be there anymore, and I'll be the one crying because I didn't talk to them more. At the same time now, they're sitting there staring at their phone waiting for me to call. One day, those things that I could be doing with dad now, he may not be able to do later in his life. Or he may not be here at all. Those friends that I never contact, may give up on me and move on.

I'm letting life move on without me moving with it. And I'm realizing that I'll regret it. But I just don't know how to change...

[bristol-baby33]

9-5-19

You piss me off to high heaven sometimes! I ask for your time, you give me nothing. I ask for your help, I don't hear from you until after that help isn't needed anymore. I ask you for motivation and all you can give me is the same old phrase that you give me all the time. I need love and affection and I get a "oh, that's why we're going on this trip." I don't need the goddamn trip to be the only time I ever get your attention. I need it now, not later tonight, not tomorrow, not on my break next Friday. No, I don't need it all the time, but at least give me something! I never hear from you. We never talk on the phone. We never go on dates. A date doesn't have to be expensive. I'll go to the park with you, or the library, or the $5 movie at the not-so-great theater down the street. We could go for a walk together for all I care. The point is, it doesn't matter where we are or what we're doing. I just need you to give me a little bit. Like when I ask you to take me to the fair that's still two weeks away, don't automatically tell me probably not because of whatever is running through your head. You don't even know your fucking schedule yet. So don't tell me no! And the fair is here one time a year, and it's my favorite thing in the world! So can you at least make a little effort? I need to feel like I'm not being forgotten, that I'm not as unimportant to you as you make me feel every day that passes when I don't hear from you or when you deny me a request that I literally never get. I need an I love you. I need a smile. I need more good mornings, even when there isn't a trip coming up. I need you to try sometimes. You say that you're working towards our future, but you're leaving me in the dust in the process and not caring how I feel. How can we ever have a future together if I can't even get you in my present...? Tell me that. If I can't even get your attention now, how will I ever keep it later? Of course, I can't say all of this to you.. because that would put us worse off than we already are. But if I don't say anything, nothing will ever change and I'll continue to be unhappy and feeling forgotten.. I honestly don't know what to talk about with you sometimes, because I literally have no idea what's going on with you. And there's so many things I had wanted to tell you over the week that I've already forgotten what they were to tell you.. I just don't know.. I'm just stressed and getting so done with everything and you don't even know, because we never talk.

[bristol-baby33]

The Good Ole Days 5-15-19

I'm missing my teenage years again.. I'm missing the silly mistakes, the carelessness, the relationships, that, looking back now, I could have easily fixed and kept them going. I miss the innocence, the lack of responsibility. I miss my first everything, first kiss, first love, first date. I miss the people that were in my life. The group that I used to be a part of. The guys that fawned over me, who did anything for me. I miss the classes and homework, I miss the fake friendships and the gossip. I just miss the days when life didn't seem so daunting, so impossible. I miss the days when my bad moods and tears could be explained by my hormones or a recent breakup. I miss the days when it was okay to be someone else without the world putting me under a microscope. I miss the teachers in my life, who saw the potential in me that I've never seen in myself.. but all I can do is miss, not relive. I can remember my memories and stay stuck in the past for a few hours. I can cry on my pillow in the dark of the night. But then I need to pick my pieces back up and keep going, because life keeps going. And I need my life to mean something.

[bristol-baby33]

Nothing Accomplished 4-24-19

I wake everyday with the intention of accomplishing so much. Of conquering the day, changing my habits, waking up earlier, getting all of the little things done that amount to big things in the end, of doing something more than I've been doing. And yet, it never happens. I hit that snooze button one more time. Reset that clock so I can sleep just a little bit longer. I feel like I never get anything done, never get somewhere the time that I want to get there. I don't get done the new things that I'd like to try. Styling my hair, painting my nails, picking out a cute outfit, looking more like a girl who has it together. I never watch TV in the morning or eat breakfast at a decent time. I never exercise before work or read a new book before I have places to be. I never have time to dance or sing or let loose. I never meditate, do yoga, or go outside to sit on the porch.

On my days off I sleep, watch TV, and sleep some more. The dishes barely get done, the to do list that I so excitedly made gets thrown to the side and forgotten. And yet I'm angry at myself through the day because I'm not doing anything. I'm not accomplishing even one thing that I said I would. I'm frustrated with myself. I want to do more, I just have no energy, no motivation. I only have lackluster ambition and a terrible sleep pattern. I have no accomplishments to show off at the end of the day. And I wonder, will I always be like this or will I find that thing I'm looking for to motivate me? Maybe getting angry at myself will change my ways...

[bristol-baby33]

So Lucky To Have You 4-18-19

Do I know what it is that I want to say to you?

No, not at all.

But there's something welling up inside of me that is trying to burst free. And if I don't get it out I'm going to combust. Simply, poof into insanity.

It's no secret that you make me feel eratic, like I am everything and nothing all at once, I am one body, but sometimes I feel as if I am multiple emotions, expressions, people..

You recognize all of those sides of me and embrace them with the most gentle, understanding love.

To you, it's okay if I'm a little crazy.

If I'm a little insecure.

If I'm a little confused about who I am.

It's okay if I want one thing today, and another thing tomorrow. If I like something now, but loathe it later.

You're okay with me not knowing who I am or what I want or where I want to go.

Except with you, I do know all of those things.

With you I know this:

I know who I am. I am elated to be with you, comforted by your presence, scared to lose you. I am a powerful goddess capable of the world.

I know what I want. I want a future with you. I want your children. I want your life bonded to mine in an unimaginable way. I want to grow old with you.

I know where I want to go. I want to go wherever you are. I want to go on adventures with you. I want to go see the wonders of the world with you. I want to go when you go.

And still these words aren't enough to appease my racing thoughts.

But words can only articulate so much, and right now the best that I can do, is to say that I am so lucky to have you...

Oh how much I love you honey ♥️

[bristol-baby33]

April 6th,2019

How does one know the difference between tired of it and finally giving up?

The feelings in my chest are so overpowering. I want to cry, scream, hide, hold my heart and never leave the comfort my bed.

But I want to flip my hair back, say fuck the world, and be the best me that I can be and be done with everything else too.

I want to break things. I want to shut myself away from the world. I want to hold my lover and be lost in him for days at a parallel. I want to jump. I want to fly.

I feel so disheartened and the only one to blame is myself. I am not motivated enough. I am not empowered and invincible. I feel as if I can't achieve anything. I'm numb inside but I feel everything. What I'm showing on the surface is a fragile facade. A pen drop would shatter it to pieces...

How can one feel so lonely when they're surrounded by love? I hope the light shines through soon ☀️

[bristol-baby33]

I miss you 4/4/19

I don't understand it.

How one sole person could hold your entire heart in their hand.

How that person makes you want to be better.

How that person makes you want to change your entire life's path, just so yours is lined up with theirs.

How that one person can shatter you in less than a second with simply the words "we need to talk."

Even before they take the action that you know follows those words.

I hope to whatever God is out there that I never hear those words from you.

I hope to God that we get married and that we have the happily ever after.

I hope to God that we never utter the words divorce or that it's over.

But I want you to know that you make me scared.

You keep me on the edge of fear because you hold my heart in your palm.

And I can only hope that I carry that power over you too, because I want to mean as much to you as you do to me.

The truth is that I miss you. Even after hours, days, weeks of being in your presence. The moment we walk away I want to run after you and bring you back to me.

The truth is that I miss you all the time.

The truth is that I want to include you in everything I do.

Even the moments when I'm uncomfortable, the moments when I'm happy, scared. But most of all I miss you when I'm sad.

There is nothing more that I want than to be wrapped into your arms as I pour my heart out over nothing. Over everything. Over the silly and the honest...

Life isn't fair...

The truth is that I miss you even when you're beside me, because I know that two people can't spend every waking moment together. I have to learn to be away from you and be okay.

I have to learn that missing someone only makes seeing them more special and more meaningful. Which means that I shouldn't throw those moments away, because anything can happen.

But I hope to God that, when it comes to you, life is good to me.

There is simply no one else I would rather spend my life with... ♥️

[inlovewithasongbird]

True Meaning of Love

3-15-19

I still can’t fathom why he loves me. I only know that he does. And the way that he touches me. The way that he holds me. The way that his eyes sparkle every time he sees me, proves to me what I mean to him. To what extents he would go to for me. He would give me his last breath. He would give me anything I desired. He would give me the stars if it were physically possible. He would…. Love me for everything that I am. No, not he would. He does. Present tense, in the now. He loves me with a love that is more than love. There is no word that can describe it. No word that can rise to the abundance or the true meaning of it. This man doesn’t just love me, he lovesss me. And I finally know that I shouldn’t take it for granted. I should embrace this love and hold it in my hands and never let it escape. I know that I shouldn’t give this love the chance to find another owner. To bestow its powerful hindrance onto someone else. This hindrance that worries me, keeps me awake at night. This hindrance that in turn makes me feel breathless and carefree. This hindrance that makes me realize just how awesome it is to be me. Because with this man’s love behind me I can conquer the entire world! I can do anything! I can rule. I am beautiful! I am powerful! If I were anyone else, this man would not love me to the level that he does. I would not be as special to him, I would not mean so much to him, I would not be so blessed to have him in my life. I am truly blessed that he is by my side. And I finally understand what my heart is saying… The truth is, I have battled with myself all of these years, questioning whether he was truly the one. Whether he was the one I would happily wake up next to every morning. Whether he is the right choice. Whether he would make me happy and support me enough. Whether he would attract me enough. All of these things were questions in my head all this time. What never occurred to me is that love is like a seed. In order for that seed to grow, it has to be taken care of. It has to be watered, sheltered, given time. Love is the same way.. it’s one thing to say you love someone. But it’s another to live by the true meaning of love. Would you die for this person? Would you do anything for this person? Would you happily support this person in their every decision? Would you put aside your selfishness and think about them before making a decision? My answer to all of those is finally yes.. and I’m so happy that I’m finding my way with him by my side. And I can say that I’m very excited for our future, even if it’s scary :)

[bristol-baby33]

I Take For Granted 2-1-19

Do you ever feel as if you're suffocating? Like the entire world is closing in on you, watching your every move, and using your every word, thought, action against you? Do you ever feel like you're drowning, and you're clawing your way to the surface to no avail. The deep dark waters have you in their clutches so tightly. You're their possession now, no hope of escape. Have you ever felt so guilty, so angered, so sad for just existing. For having what you should think is a good life when there's people around you that are so unfortunate. Who don't know love or what it's like to be spared from the sorrows of the world. Do you ever hate yourself for not being happy with what you have? You have love, comfort, security, opportunity. There are others who have been dealt such a crappy hand while you're over here collecting all of the riches. Do you ever just exist, with no idea why, or for who, or for what intention? Do you ever feel numb because all you can do is swim in this existence with no idea what you're doing, or who you should be, or where you should go? I have everything I could possibly need in my life, and yet I take it for granted so much that I can't even appreciate it. I look towards the future instead of living in the present. I trudge along like time is on my side instead of actually living my life. I miss the past when my future holds so much more. I take for granted that I eat everyday, that I am clothed, that I am sheltered by a family that loves me, by a man that supports me and wants me in his life. I take for granted that I have opportunities for a career, for a future. That I live in a country that promotes freedom of speech and is making changes for everyone to be accepted. I take for granted that I am privileged because of the color of my skin, or that I live in a country where I can be appreciated as a woman instead of a slave. I take for granted that I am not beaten and bruised for having an opinion. I take for granted that I am loved and looked over by a God so grand. I take for granted that I have a choice of what I can believe in, of whether I can be gay or straight, male or female. I take my life for granted, and I am not proud of myself for it. But I know at the end of the day, me feeling guilty for these things will not make me change. Because I take for granted that I have a freedom of choice with what to do with my life, and how I'm going to live it...

[bristol-baby33]

All the Things I'll Miss about Mississippi 1-19-19

There's so many things I will miss when I leave this place. I will miss the land and the deer hunting; the historical town and the antebellum homes. I'll miss the Mississippi River and it's casino along the shore. I'll miss that little alcoholic drive thru in Vidalia that we pass every time we cross the bridge. I'll miss the long drives down the dirt road driveway and the barn just on top of the hill. I'll miss the house and all of its creaks, cracks, and cold spots. I'll miss the attic string that I always smack every time I go under it. I'll miss that old comfortable couch and the wide open living room floor, that I can easily scrapbook on for days. I'll miss the acres of woods and the four-wheeling. I'll miss being on the wide open countryside. I'll miss every nook and cranny... But those things aren't important in the broad aspect of things. What's important is that I'll miss you. I'll miss Glenys and Mike fussing with each other over the silliest of things. I'll miss granddaddy ranting at the tv and Glenys watching Young and the Restless every weekday morning. And I'll miss the cooking, yes, but most of all I'll miss eating together with the family, of cleaning up together and laughing; of making fun of granddaddy for eating his nightly cup of ice cream and candy; of playing Phase 10 at the old dining room table. Of the family sitting in the living room together every night, while the tv plays way too loudly, and Mike's phone blares every ad as he surfs Facebook. I'll miss the hugs before bed every night and the love and happiness that's so obvious in the air. I'll miss being able to talk to you whenever I want to, in person. I'll miss drinking coffee with you every afternoon, and watching the news or the Discovery channel all the time, because it's what Mike enjoys. I'll miss the feeling of belonging and being so wanted. I'll miss being listened to and heard. I'll miss not having to stress over anything because when I'm around all of you, I know it's all going to be okay.. Through all of this, there's only one thing that I will never miss. I will never miss saying goodbye, because goodbye is the hardest every time. I cry for the simple fact that a year is a long time, and I don't know what the future has in store for us. All I can do I pray that I'll be able to spend next year with you too, all of you.

[bristol-baby33]

Shatter Me (Jan 5th, 2019)

She's not afraid of heights, or even of falling.. no, she's afraid of hitting the ground. She's afraid of breaking apart again, of shattering like the love that used to be in her heart. She's never known love to be how it's supposed to be. She's only known pain, fighting, suffering. See, heights are where she goes to hide, and falling is bliss, but the prospect of smashing into the ground is too much for her. It's her terror, her phobia. It's what she has nightmares about when she sleeps. See, she's never been held in someone's arms; she's never learned how to trust. She's learned to laugh and love only to appease those around her, so that they'll never know how broken she truly is. She doesn't want them to know how much she's hurting inside. But what she doesn't realize is that there is someone who wants to see inside, who wants to see that hurt, who only wants to know her as she is. "I" am willing to climb those heights, "I" am willing to fall, "I" am willing to hit the ground all for her if only she'd let me. But she doesn't know how much I love her, how beautiful she is, how wonderful, astounding, breathtaking. She only sees herself shattering again and refuses to let her heart give in. But I want to hit the ground running, because this girl is worth my pain and so much more.

I want you to be loved like you deserve to be loved. I want to make you feel alive. I want you to jump without fear of hitting the bottom. If you do, then know that I'll be right here to pick up all of your pieces. And together, we'll learn how to fly.

[bristol-baby33]

12-17-18

I've made the discovery that something good can truly come out of something awful. Tonight was absolutely the worst night ever and yet, somehow you made me laugh and smile. I had been crying so hard that I was heaving, but something told me to call you. And when you answered I knew that everything would be alright. It's so wonderful that I have you in my life and I wouldn't trade you for anyone else (even for Cumbersnatch or Phil Collins' voice). I love you so much that love isn't even a strong enough word. What I feel for you is celestial and I hope that feeling never goes away. I've never been happier, calmer, felt more loved and wanted. Thank you so much honey ❤️

[bristol-baby33]

Stream of Consciousness 11-26-18 (My Thoughts at 4am)

It's like..... It's like I know that I'm gonna fuck up! And I have all of these people who believe in me and who want more for me and the dark side of me says that I can't do it. That I'm gonna fucking let them down. That I'm gonna let myself down and that I'll never actually enjoy my life, or get enough out of life, and it's like I'm tying myself down to everything, to everyone and I'm fucking terrified. But at the same time it's what I want because I want something, anything to hold onto. And I just can't right now. My mind is telling me that I can't do any of it. Even with my support system. Even with all of my past good choices to back me up. Even with the dreams in my head and the words and promises when I say I'll try again tomorrow. I don't fucking know, OKAY WORLD?? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! And I don't know if I ever will or if I want to and I'm just so overwhelmed with everything. With the expectations, with the things that I want in my heart but haven't figured out yet. With the things I keep denying because I think that I'm happy but maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm just fucking lying to myself and it's all in my head. I should be happier, I should be set to go for my dreams, I should be motivated, I should stop holding back and going for the things I want, to be with the the person that I want. But I just fucking can't and I DONT KNOW WHY!!! When will this end???! I'm so frustrated and irritated and so done with my mind always winning! I want satisfaction, I want answers, I want motivation to kick life's ass and it's just not happening and I honestly just don't know what will make it happen. I don't even know what I want.. UGHHHH!!!