asteroid

prose / diary / quotes / art || twinfantasymtf on twitter "gravity could teach me something"

[briteboyz]

whenever I meet someone new, and I like them, I mythologize them. the version of them in my mind seems impenetrable. I have an idea of who they are, I fill in the blanks, and am left with something bigger than reality. you eventually discover that they are just a person. you see their flaws and it shatters some sort of illusion. but this too is beautiful. the best version of someone is always reality. it is the only one worth knowing.

for now we only see a reflection as in a mirror, then we shall see face to face.

[briteboyz]

move to nashville tennessee to discover that you can live. you can do hard things. you can meet people though all the while you feel the friction of your differences, because you know the potential of approaching an understanding. there are those with which you are incompatible but there are still countless with which you will find kinship.

[briteboyz]

loneliness teaches self reliance, but the question of whether you should allow yourself to depend on others for happiness still remains. I don't know if I can be happy living like this. I've learned to at least resemble functionality, but deriving satisfaction with life completely internally has proven difficult to impossible. maybe it is true that depending on others for happiness is destined to end in failure. but maybe it's worth it to have something really good even if it never lasts.

I often think about how s didn't believe it was possible to be happy with one person for the rest of your life. I think this is true for some people. some people don't know how to have healthy attachment or stay even when things become mundane or difficult. I worry that I'm one of those people. it's probably true what they say about being a common denominator. my track record in that respect is abysmal. I don't know how anyone hears about how many relationships I've ruined and decides they still want to be my friend. I am literally the largest red flag imaginable.

I know this account is supposed to be reserved for faux profound bullshit. but I can't make this one elegant. it doesn't mean anything for anyone other than myself.

have I actually changed, or am I just in between implosions?

[briteboyz]

solace in these unfamiliar streets

in these people I will never speak to again

an entire life I will leave in favor of another

one that is all too hauntingly familiar

thinking that maybe I should move away for a grad school

[briteboyz]

I've come to realize that I don't understand where the value of socialization with others derives itself. it's possible I just truly hate being alone more than anything. but it remains true that to me, there is little purpose in casual friendship or interaction. all of it comes with the hope of something meaningful as a primary motivation. if I knew this to be an impossibility, I would save myself the hassle of trying so damn hard. or alternatively, if I already had this need satisfied, I would see no purpose in talking to others outside of that in group.

pivot. Something so tempting about finding your own salvation in saving another. When all someone needs is one meaningful connection, I find myself wanting to be that person. I think of R, disillusioned with everyone in his life and how strongly he latched on to me at first. Now I think of C2, who I tried this with halfheartedly once or twice. Quite frankly I am scared of knowing her, and don't really want to. But the knowledge that I could have it makes it somewhat appealing. Not only to have it, but to be so completely primary to another person.

Ultimately I am afraid to know someone intimately because I fear I will despise them. I am unforgiving of others flaws, and judge harshly and immediately. I see these imperfections peek through their surface selves, and I am petrified. I have learned the hard way that accepting someones totality within your heart is a very dangerous thing. My tendency now is that of hatred. I cannot answer why, but I feel it so completely when I interact with anyone outside of a few people. Again I find myself needing to explore the in between. It should not require profound attachment to tolerate others.

I think I have bpd lol

[briteboyz]

thrust back into the warmth of stabbing quills and

shown the pain that you yearned for so desperately

almost entirely too soon.

and now encumbered by worldly things

alien yet essential to your being

did you finally learn how to miss

the time when you were completely free of them?

to savor the few solitary days you still have.

or have you become eager to find more disappointment

lying dead at your doorstep and

impossible to bury.

[weltenwellen]

Wildness Before Something Sublime Leila Chatti

[briteboyz]

It is both life's greatest tragedy and life's greatest beauty that you will never be able to fully bury the corpses of those long dead to you, who once composed some part of your being, whether large or small. We must accept that our present is informed by our past, and moving on from a great misfortune will never mean complete erasure of its effects. I am myself today in part because of the actions of those who hurt me most, as well my actions towards them.

[briteboyz]

It could be the large amount of alcohol I've ingested but I sort of feel like I'm going to be ok. I'm learning to live for myself. I'm no longer socially isolated. Yes, people have their misgivings, but am quickly learning to accept others instead of rejecting everyone the moment I feel slighted. I am confident that everything will come to me in time! I need to stop being so anxious about when I will finally feel someone else's lips or love as intense as then. It will come. It takes time. I'll be alright.

[briteboyz]

If I suspect I have extra-platonic feelings for another, I will begin to interrogate myself on their nature. There is always an immediate dissatisfaction to this introspection. I cannot feel the shape of my desire, because as soon as I attempt to observe it the form is no longer static. It may lie unchanging within me for some time, but when I decide to investigate again it will continue to escape understanding or classification. I have found that in order for my feelings to take proper form, I must make them known to their object. Otherwise, they continue to exist in a vacuum where they cannot be held to any particular shape. Keeping all of this within me is agonizing enough, but it is made worse by not understanding it, and worsened again by knowing I would understand my attitudes if only I confessed their existence.

[briteboyz]

"If I am less sad, it is because, being more absolutely in despair, I met the meaning of my despair and accepted it, made a place for it [installé] instead of trying to flee from it."

Simone de Beauvoir, Diary of a Philosophy Student

[briteboyz]

If a person from your past reached out to you, would you be open to conversation?

yeah. I don't know that it would be productive or lead to resolution. but it could at least convince me that when I see them in public they won't try to do something awful to me. I saw many of them today and I was afraid.

I feel like an awful person lately for how many relationships ive ruined. how unstable and inconsiderate I've been. some part of me wants their forgiveness more than anything. which is especially pathetic considering it's been 7 months since it all went down. I have plenty of friends now, but my relationships are all so foreign to me. every social interaction has a baseline discomfort. everyone feels so distant. my intense feelings have no outlet in anyone else. i got so used to depending on others in that capacity.

I know things will change eventually for me. I'm just scared I'll never find the stability and closeness with another that I so desperately need to be capable of. I say this knowing I have at least one close friend currently. but somehow it takes a different form that I am not used to, that is perhaps healthier. my biggest fear is that I've ruined my capacity for fulfillment in healthy relationships, and that the closeness I want is delusional and codependent.

[briteboyz]

Tonight, a resounding feeling that all will be ok. But how I wish I understood the cause of my loneliness! It is true that I have sparse, if any, opportunity to discuss that which ails me, and is truly relevant to my life. But I suffer also from a profound inability to fall for others. Nobody is truly perfect in my eyes; I am incapable of the blind attraction which I so graciously have enjoyed in the past. All of this builds towards a great dissatisfaction with life as a whole. Yes, I am lonely because I feel nobody understands me. But I cannot be sure if this reflects my reality or if it derives itself from my complete lack of attachment to those currently present in my life. The love I feel for them is almost unrecognizable compared to the intensity of feeling which I have grown accustomed to from prior relationships. Surely, this is not correlated with their character itself. It is more probable that I was easily moved in the past because I was extraordinarily naive towards others and their misgivings. I think of R, who stands among the least sophisticated and most asocial individuals I have known interpersonally. Somehow he was able to cause such anguish when he mistreated me, and his eventual absence left such a glaring hole in my life! I loved him more intensely than anyone I know now. But he also is arguably more unforgiving in his character and personage than anyone I know now! It is both that my standards have risen and that I have become cynical. If I were able to like someone as much as I did he, who was completely undeserving, perhaps I would attain a level of closeness with another that would resolve my loneliness.

[briteboyz]

I intuit that happiness derived completely and totally from within yourself is impossible to achieve. I cannot be sure, but I know that if I accept this as postulate, two paths emerge.

If I am to foster a rich inner life, my selfhood should not depend on the other. I cannot entertain the delusion of being understood by another, or else I will surely succumb to attachment. However, I will then have resigned myself to a joyless and banal life, entirely for the sake of self-understanding and completeness; a task which may altogether be impossible. But I remind myself that the pursuit of an impossible end may be fruitful in its own right.

Alternatively, if I am to bridge the gap between my inner and exterior life, and allow the part of myself which is most sacred to become attached to the other, I have then sacrificed some amount of selfhood. My inner life is then infringed upon by an apparition which is not even a true reflection of the other. I lose myself in my own image of another, for the sake of our joined self. This joining is a definitively impossible end, and the impossibility of it will forever haunt our relationship. It is impossible to know and be known by another. But it is only in this state that I may find some semblance of happiness. I prefer this option, but I am not currently afforded such an opportunity.

Without any real choice, I must focus on my own selfhood and inner life. But there remains a nagging hope that I may one day escape myself in another, and I cannot fully dedicate myself to this task while ultimately desiring its desecration!

[briteboyz]

"[T]here are two different “selves,” one of which is, as it were, the external projection of the other, its spatial and, so to speak, social representation. We reach the former by deep reflection, which leads us to grasp our inner states as living beings, constantly in the process of forming, as states not amenable to measure, which penetrate one another and of which the succession in duration has nothing in common with a juxtaposition in homogeneous space. But the moments at which we again thus grasp ourselves are rare, and that is why we are rarely free. Most of the time we live outside ourselves, hardly perceiving anything of ourselves but our own colorless ghost, a shadow that pure duration projects into homogeneous space. Hence our existence unfolds in space rather than in time; we live for the external world rather than for ourselves; we speak rather than think; we “are acted” rather than act. To act freely is to recover possession of self, and to get back into pure duration."

Henri Bergson

[briteboyz]

I intuit that happiness derived completely and totally from within yourself is impossible to achieve. I cannot be sure, but I know that if I accept this as postulate, two paths emerge.

If I am to foster a rich inner life, my selfhood should not depend on the other. I cannot entertain the delusion of being understood by another, or else I will surely succumb to attachment. However, I will then have resigned myself to a joyless and banal life, entirely for the sake of self-understanding and completeness; a task which may altogether be impossible. But I remind myself that the pursuit of an impossible end may be fruitful in its own right.

Alternatively, if I am to bridge the gap between my inner and exterior life, and allow the part of myself which is most sacred to become attached to the other, I have then sacrificed some amount of selfhood. My inner life is then infringed upon by an apparition which is not even a true reflection of the other. I lose myself in my own image of another, for the sake of our joined self. This joining is a definitively impossible end, and the impossibility of it will forever haunt our relationship. It is impossible to know and be known by another. But it is only in this state that I may find some semblance of happiness. I prefer this option, but I am not currently afforded such an opportunity.

Without any real choice, I must focus on my own selfhood and inner life. But there remains a nagging hope that I may one day escape myself in another, and I cannot fully dedicate myself to this task while ultimately desiring its desecration!

[briteboyz]

"It is so vain to live that in order not to cry out over this vanity, men are obligated to grab onto happiness which keeps them from thinking about it, but happiness will never be anything but a diversion."

Simone de Beauvoir, Diary of a Philosopher

[briteboyz]

How strange it is that questions which haunt my psyche, for another, may not so much as enter their mind. The only existence I understand is that of constant psychological torment. I cannot even imagine someone completely unoccupied with themselves; who asks no questions of life. What causes such ignorance? Perhaps some people are much too content for their own good. Either this, or they simply never venture outside of their most imminent problems. They only see what is right in front of them. I must forgive myself for thinking such people are simple. It is true that Beauvoir constantly speaks of others as if they are beneath her intellect. But I have done nothing to earn her level of arrogance!

I view myself as complex and sophisticated precisely because I suffer spiritually. But who am I to say that another is simple for having achieved happiness? For suffering because of life's difficulties, so intense and ever-present that they cannot afford to suffer due to philosophical inquiries? I know logically that these states are equally valid to mine, as well as equally possible for myself. I should not judge another for something I would be capable of under different circumstances. How lucky am I to find myself suffering in a manner that requires intense introspection!