What difference a kiss makes (Sequel to bloody mistletoe)
A/N: Okay. so @sacredoe asked for a sequel to bloody mistletoe and it kind of escalated. I planned on something short and sweet and only happening on one day and Spock and our young Ensign here (you) had other plans with this fic. So I’m sorry. Kind of. Lots of discussions and a bit of hurt coming up. But I promise an happy ending, so stick with me through the 3k of text.
Story: After kissing Spock under the mistletoe you truly don’t want to join the New Year’s party. But Spock notices your absence and checks up on you. What might be a nice gesture becomes a little awkward when you find yourself sharing a spontaneous bond with him.
Warnings: Light swearing, mentions of former depression, implied sickness.
Rating: In my country that would maybe even be a 6+, but let’s say 12+.
Word count: 3428
CAN BE READ AS GENDER NEUTRAL READER, I ASSUME. (At least I tried to keep it this was after the first fic was gender neutral. If I screwed up, tell me.)
You weren’t hiding. Exactly. It was normal for you to never see your boss. The reports were brought to him by your superiors, mostly the highest ranking crewman of each lab, and it wasn’t as if you were of any importance at science meetings. So you didn’t have to go to any of the briefings held weekly or whenever there was anything important to talk about. So it was completely normal, that you haven’t seen Spock since that whole … kissing debacle. And if you changed directions, whenever you thought to hear his voice, well, that was just because you suddenly remembered something more important to do than what you were on your way to. Every time. See, no hiding.
It’s been almost a week now and even gossip had tuned down. Now most people knew your name, recognized you and talked to you. Yet you were not sure how to take this. Of course, you had felt almost invisible before the Kiss, capital K. And that had not been the most pleasurable of all feelings. But being the talk of the ship had turned out to be even less pleasurable.
Most of it had been benign, though. Except for a few female officers who openly stared at you as if you had some ugly disease, most just took it as a fun anecdote. Like the time Spock had to wear a bracelet of flowers. They rather had fun picturing their second in command in a not very comfortable situation, but didn’t think any less of you. Or him.
Still every now and then you had heard whispers of Spock openly claiming you with that kiss. That he had been betrothed and kind of divorced without ever telling anyone until the day of his supposed wedding gave him the image of a man guarding his privacy with his life. So if he ever opened up to someone enough to kiss them in front of the whole ship, this had to mean something, right?
You had to smile whenever you heard those rumors. If that had meant anything, surely you would know, wouldn’t you?
Still, you got tired of hearing the rumors, no matter how quiet and few. You wanted to escape them, so they would not mess with your mind. Self-preservation, you might call it.
That was why today you would stay in your quarters. On earth it was New Year’s Eve and again there was a party. Again, everyone could join. But you didn’t feel like exposing yourself once again.
„Hey, will I see you later“, you heard one of your colleagues. He was Andorian, but still looked excited to celebrate that old earth holiday.
You shook your head. „Nah, I’ll stay in tonight. Maybe I‘ll read up on the journals. Or do some light reading. But no party for me.“
„And here I thought you’d be there. People are waiting for you to tell us what it feels like kissing Spock.“
You chuckled. „They should try for themselves. And maybe tell me afterwards. I was way too shocked to really remember anything.“ It was a lie. You remembered his taste, his smell, the heat of his body and every little line of his lips. But you wouldn’t share that memory with anyone.
Your colleague smirked. „I might try this. If he’s around at midnight …“
„You do realize that it’s midnight every minute of the day - somewhere?“
He rolled his eyes. „Yeah, but at midnight ship‘s time he has to kiss whoever is closest, if he wants to pay respect to your strange human traditions. So … maybe I‘ll wait around to see if I can get close to him?“
Something inside you hurt at the plan, but you smiled bravely. „Go ahead and try, I won’t stop you. I plan on going to bed early. And with that…“ You looked at the chronometer, seeing that you were off duty for two minutes already. „I wish you a happy new year and good night.“
You made your way to the mess hall to grab something to eat that you could smuggle into your quarters. Finally there you slipped out of your uniform and into your pjs, then slipped under your blanket.
You may have fallen asleep, your PADD with your current novel fallen from your hands. But your chiming door woke you up. „Come in“, you yawned rather than actually spoke.
Wondering, who this could be, you slipped out of bed and went to the door, only to gasp in surprise and blush instantly.
„I noticed your absence from the celebrations, Ensign. I take it you are unwell?“, Spock asked and looked at your clothing.
You rubbed your neck in embarrassment. „Not really, Sir. I just didn’t want to be the talk of the party again. Not that I complain about the last party. It was great. I … mean the party. And your … offer has indeed helped my social status. But in a room with so many people it’s not exactly comfortable to be kind of famous. So I thought I’d stay away this time and if I‘m lucky someone does something really interesting this time so that Christmas will just be another beloved anecdote and not THE topic.“
Spock inclined his head. „Logical“, he made you probably the highest compliment he was able to. „And as Ensign Chesterton from Engineering was unable to find his way to the nearest toilet, I assure you that at the next social gathering you will not be at the center of interest anymore.“
You stared at him open-mouthed for a second, before you regained your ability to speak. „I’m not sure I want more details of this story.“
„I assure you, you do not.“
Was that humor? Did Spock just made a joke? Or was that just a normal answer because the story was just too weird, even for a Vulcan - or especially for one, for that matter?
The conversation had reached a low and you were struggling to find something to say. „Anyways, thank you for checking up on me. But I’m fine, nothing to worry about.“
Spock seemed reluctant to go.
„Is there something else, Sir?“
„Indeed. I find myself unwilling to go back to the celebrations.“
„Why’s that?“
„It is close to midnight ship‘s time.“
You burst out laughing and it took you a moment to control yourself again. „Sorry. Just … Don’t tell me you’re surrounded by many more people than usual?“
„I … am.“
„And instead of hiding in your quarters you come to me?“
„It is still a tradition.“
„But not one to be taken as serious as the mistletoe. And not your tradition, if you don’t want it to be. I mean, I’m not saying … hold on.“ Somewhere in your rambling about Spock not having to follow tradition your brain kicked in. „You came here to kiss me at midnight?“
„Should I leave?“
„No. I mean, that’s your decision. I don’t feel harassed or anything. But if this is just about kissing somebody you’re already used to or who doesn’t invade your private space to force you to kiss him or her, I assure you, you do not need to kiss anyone.“ You thought for a moment. „Though I would advise you to stay away from the corridors until midnight is over, just to be sure. And I don’t mind you staying here until then. Just … you don’t have to kiss me.“
Spock seemed uncomfortable. Well, actually no, he seemed as stiff as ever. But you could … tell? Hold on, that was strange.
„Weird…“, you murmured without noticing.
„What is weird?“
„What? Oh, did I say this out loud? Sorry, it was just … I felt for a moment … It was as if I could read you. Your emotions, or something. Sorry, maybe I am just still half asleep.“
„You are not. When we … kissed on Christmas, although I had erected shields, we seem to have formed a thin bond.“
„Bond like … Wedding or something like that?“
He shook his head. „A bond can be shared between family members, close friends, sometimes healers and their patients have to form a temporary bond. This is nothing permanent or to be afraid of. I can assure you that in time we will lose that connection. Even now it is weak.“
This time you rubbed your forehead as a headache was slowly creeping up on you.
„I apologize. I did not wish to cause discomfort.“
„If I understand correctly, you didn’t plan on this to happen, so don’t worry. But… is this why you’re here?“
He nodded. „Part of the reason. I had not noticed the bond either, as it is too weak to let me sense you without some form of proximity. But earlier I was in the lab next to yours and felt … something. When I came to investigate I only saw your back as you were just leaving.“
„I was jealous. My colleague planned on trying to kiss you at midnight“, you said quietly.
He arched a brow, but went on. „I planned to investigate this issue further, but you did not come to the gathering. So I came to find you. While I could have done this hours earlier the approach of midnight seemed to be all the more reason to not delay this matter any further.“
„And you want to kiss me for what reason now?“, you asked. You started to enjoy feeling Spock’s slight discomfort and embarrassment while talking about these things. Hopefully teasing your boss was not against any regulations.
„First of all I did not want another spontaneous bond to form to anyone, which is why I had to leave. But then … I feel drawn to you.“
Okay, with this your amusement vaporized and you stared at Spock, unable to compute.
„I cannot verify if it is the bond drawing me to you. I cannot falsify it either.“
„If it’s the bond it means, you‘re not really attracted to me in any way and all this is just some kind of accident?“, you asked. You could not help the sharp pain you felt at this thought. This conversation was getting cruel.
„The existence of the bond itself means that our minds are compatible.“
„Commander, please. Speak openly.“
He probably felt your discomfort now. „It might be a side effect of the bond. For both of us. Our minds are not used to it and might compensate the acclimatizing process with an imbalance of neurotransmitters causing us to feel an attraction that is - while not unreal - not what we would have felt without the bond.“
You didn’t need time to come to a decision. „Then get out. Please.“
„I do not understand.“
„Don’t get me wrong. That was a very good kiss at Christmas. At least as far as I can tell. But a follow-up? Not going to happen until this bond is broken and we both still want to.“ Your gaze fell onto the chronometer. „Midnight is long gone anyway.“ You hadn’t even noticed the beginning of the new year. „So there’s no reason for you to stick around. And please don’t take this as disrespect. But I don’t want to be drugged into anything, not even by my own brain. So please leave. And don’t come back until this bond is broken. If you still want to, by then.“
You could even feel his hurt, but also his understanding. „A wise decision. Logical again. Good night, Ensign (Y/N).“
„Happy new year, Commander.“
With that he left. „Let’s hope it’ll be happy“, you said to your empty quarters and went back to bed. You felt miserable and regretted sending Spock away. But you knew it was better than fooling yourself. If this imbalance in your neurotransmitters, as Spock put it, could be over soon, it was better not to raise any hopes.
The next days were hard. Now that you had learned how to notice Spock in the back of your mind, it was hard ignoring him, whenever he was next door or around the corner, or in the mess hall you just wanted to enter, only to walk past once you sensed him.
But in time it got weaker. You even ran into him - not physically, this time - in your own lab when he came to collect a report.
Two weeks after New Year’s, he came to your quarters.
„The bond is gone?“, you asked him without greeting.
He nodded and looked awful. Physically sick.
„Gosh, what happened to you?“
„You did“, he simply said.
„This is my fault?“ Okay, now you felt bad. You never wanted him to suffer.
He shook his head. „There has been no fault. But the disconnection of a bond always causes some … not exactly comfortable effects.“
„You didn’t tell me.“ Had you acted differently then?
„I did not want to. This is nothing to be concerned about. I only feel an upset stomach. I feel worse whenever Doctor McCoy has to treat me with his medicine. Believe me, I have had worse effects of breaking bonds.“
„Such as?“
„Depression and death wish when my betrothal was cancelled. Although this was also an effect of me thinking that I had killed my Captain. When I found him to be alive, this soothes the effects instantly.“
You gasped. Nobody knew the real story behind the rumors, except for those involved. You hadn’t known that Spock had killed the Captain - well, tried to, as Kirk was very much alive.
„When I lost the bond to … a family member as a child, I felt disoriented, struggled to keep my emotions from leading my actions. My logic failed me at that time. The effects right now are not difficult to be ignored in comparison.“
„I felt nothing“, you said, feeling guilty that you didn’t even join in on his suffering.
„I did not expect you to. Humans mostly are psi-null. You would probably feel a wedding bond being broken, but a bond as weak as ours?“ He shook his head.
You sighed. „So, what now?“
„That is for you to decide.“
You snorted. „Okay, what are my options?“
„Option one: You still feel drawn to me and let me court you. There is a possibility that with our next skin to skin touch, the bond will re-establish itself, but I assure you that this is not binding for you. You are still free to terminate my courting whenever you no longer wish it. Option two: You still feel drawn to me but do not choose to act upon it. There will be no detrimental effects. Option three: You feel no longer drawn to me. Again, there will be no detrimental effects.“
You had to admit that you missed that tingling in the back of your head whenever Spock was around. You didn’t feel bad not having it, but it was kinda nice when it was still there. As if you‘d never be alone ever again.
And Spock still was looking pretty good - well, except for the paler skin than usual.
„I no longer feel you, therefore you have to communicate your thoughts, if you want me to react to them“, Spock‘s deep voice made its way through the loud workings of your mind.
„I try to find out what I want. If I just think you’re gorgeous or if I want this gorgeous man to be … mine. For as long as we can stand each other“, you said, blushing. This was hard. You were a scientist, so listening to your heart wasn’t your strength. You were more used to listening to reason.
And if you tried listening to reason instead even now? Well, he was your commanding officer, so you‘d probably have to fill out a lot of forms to be allowed to date. But then? You had nothing to lose, had you? There was never any guarantee when it came to love, so there was only the concept of trial and error.
You leaned in on him and he took a step backwards.
„What are you doing?“
You rolled your eyes. „Trying to kiss you.“ You bit back the ‚idiot‘. Insulting your boss was as much a bad idea as insulting your boyfriend, even if he was a bit slow thinking right now.
„Oh.“
„Yeah, oh. Now come here, please.“
It was not the most romantic of kisses. Chaste and tight lipped and short. Just his fingers searching for yours a real sign of him not wanting to run away. But you felt something kickstart in your mind nonetheless. And there he was again with all his thinly veiled elation and nervousness. How could a man who showed so few emotions feel so loudly?
You smiled against his lips. „So, tell me. This spontaneous bonds, are they normal? I mean it’s nice to feel you again. But do I have to be jealous of all the people you have to kiss just because it’s the welcome protocol of your planet?“
Spock blinked at you.
„I can feel your reluctance to tell me again, you know? What is it? Something bad?“
„It is just a rumor of old times. While spontaneous bonds during a meld are more common than one might think, bonds only formed by touch, even while I had fully functional walls put up to shield from your human brain, expressing its feelings so clearly, is mostly heard of in legends on my planet.“
„What kind of legends?“, you asked, looking down to your hand which Spock kept caressing with two fingers.
„Those of what humans might call soulmates.“
You groaned.
„You are annoyed“, Spock pointed out. „Did I say anything wrong?“
„You couldn’t have told me earlier? You know, maybe on New Year‘s? That information was important! Damn Vulcan privacy!“
„It is only a legend. Though it could explain that …“ He faded off.
„That?!“
„That since the bond broke I had not been able to keep food inside.“
Oh, now you weren’t just annoyed, now you were downright angry. „So, no bad side effects. You had worse. Such a weak bond could do real harm …“ Your words were filled with venom and ice.
„(F/N)…“
„Damn, Spock. What are you? Masochistic? You could have said so earlier. I would have chosen differently. I mean, even if it’s just a legend that turns out to have not a grain of truth in it, I still would have chosen not to risk it being true and hurting you. I would have … I would have hoped that if we turn out not to be able to love each other, we‘d still become friends or something like that. I would have risked getting my heart broken for the chance to find my freaking soulmate.“
„I am here now“, he pointed out.
„That you are. But you wasted two weeks. You suffered.“
„It was worth it.“
„Excuse me?“
„I do know now, what I want. And so do you. My former fiancé was bonded to me much stronger than you are now, and this was no guarantee for her fidelity or her affection for me. Although I had not seen sense in waiting for the bond to break until you decided to try, it was the right decision and my logic was faulty not to have thought about it earlier. It is better to know that you truly wish to spend time with me than for you to feel obligated by a bond, superstition or a chemical imbalance.“
God, in a weird way that even sounded romantic. He was willing to suffer if that meant that he could be sure you didn’t feel forced but actually liked him.
You felt yourself melt, the hardness of anger leaving your face and mind. „Next time, do me a favor and give me all available information, okay? Then we can decide together.“ You pulled him down into a real kiss, while his hand still wouldn’t let go of yours. Huh. Well, actually that was a nice, tingly feeling that his fingers left on your skin. You didn’t mind him doing that whenever he wanted.
„Maybe I should tell you about the Vulcan biology then? While we do not talk about it with outsiders, you should have all information necessary before you decide to ever turn my courting into something permanent.“
You just hummed in response and pulled him with you to your bed. That sounded as if it would take a while and you really wanted to sit down for that talk.
@fandoms4ever97 Actually not an AU, both bonds and actual soulmates have been canon in Trek since 1966 and 1979 respectively.
