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Roommate's godson asked if I had a boyfriend before deciding this was an appropriate gift for me.

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Best friend for sale. Cheap.

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Here's a meerkat losing its shit.

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Things you sacrifice to live in New York City:

Space 400 sq ft and a trip to the Container Store has your overpriced studio feeling like Shangri-La.

A savings account

Self-worth You'll pay me how much to pick up your dog's shit with my hand?

Privacy

Reality What do you mean you only need 5 pay stubs, 2 years of tax returns, full access to my bank account and 3 months rent to be considered for this apartment? What's wrong with it?

Healthy romantic relationships

All youthful notions of what living in NYC would be like

Your liver Work's over? Drink. Hurricane? Drink. It's Saturday morning? Drink. Snow storm? Jaeger Bombs.

Congeniality

Dreams

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Challenge accepted, burrito.

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Oh those dog days of summer.

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Srs concentration.

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So...

I've been thinking...

Where are all the babies named Paul? I know plenty of adults named Paul, but no babies. Adult Pauls have to come from somewhere. Where is this somewhere? Are you born something else and your name changes once you reach maturity? I just don't understand. SOMEONE SHOW ME A BABY NAMED PAUL!

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I take back everything I said about not needing a man. There's a giant flippin' pterodactyl sized bug in my apartment that someone needs to take care of.

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I'm taking a pee right now.

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Glad my friends at least enjoy my slow descent into madness.

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AKA 'The Licked Hand.' A popular tale from the oral tradition recast as a spooky - if unbelievable - Internet chain letter.

The air conditioner upstairs is noisily dripping onto mine and all I can think about is the sleep over at Christine Fisher's house when Amy B told us this story and I got so scared that my parents had to come pick me up.

This is almost as bad as the Alligator Under My Bed issue of 1993.

I'll be jumping from the end of my bed to the door in the morning in case you were wondering.

[brittneysbadideas]

Didn't take the entire sleeping pill. Now not only is sleep evading me, but I'm also hellbent on eating this entire bag of chocolate chips.

Two days of not sleeping and a text message from the boy I was finally getting over has me feeling some serious Mariah Carey style emotions.

Not sleeping also caused me to agree to go see Mariah Carey with the New York Philharmonic next Saturday. Life is getting weirder by the minute and I'm kind of enjoying the ride.

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There's a woman sitting next to me on the train counting a very large stack of 20 dollar bills in a white envelope. What is the protocol for this situation? WHAT ARE THIS?

[brittneysbadideas]

Wait... what if that's a toddler dressed as an adult?!

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When adults dress like toddlers.

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Just flashed the 42nd Street 7 train platform. Hope y'all enjoyed my neon yellow polka dot panties.