this is the start. @brokebutnotbeaten - Tumblr Blog

Had a pretty decent appointment with my CPN earlier, she’s going to be seeing about me being referred to a new service that’s been set up where I live I can’t eeamember exactly what it was called but when she was describing it, it sounded like it would help and she said the name of someone who works there and it was someone who helped so so so much before I went into hospital so I’m optimistic

I’ve just seen my cpn for the first time since I moved into my new flat, and I tried really hard to be honest with how I’ve been feeling. I cried, she was nice, still don’t feel any better still feel hopeless still really worried I’m going to fuck everything up, really really hope I don’t though

In a really shitty headspace and I don’t know how to get out of it. I feel like I can’t burden any of my friends. My cpn hasn’t answered my text message and I haven’t heard from her in over two weeks. Calling the crisis team isn’t an option because they’ll either be patronising as anything or send the police and there’s literally no in between with them.

I just don’t really know what to do

I’m at work at the minute and normally that takes my mind of things but not today

Feeling just a bit lost really

Cliche as shit, but I’m getting really really tired of fighting with my head all the fucking time

Just cried to the lady from Anglian water because she was being nice. I’m writing today off

So I’ve had some super good news this week, I’ve got my very own little council flat and I’m so so so so so excited to finally have somewhere that mine where I can not be scared and just be able to live. And I’m so incredibly grateful that I’ve gotten a council property because I know loads of people try and don’t get one but and the same time I’m just incredibly overwhelmed by all the things that I have to sort out, it’s just so much and every time I try and start sorting one out my brain starts spiralling and I start feeling out of control and get really bad urges and I don’t really know what to do because, everyone’s so happy that I’ve got the flat (I am too) so obviously people will struggle to understand that anything could be wrong especially when where I’m living now has caused so many problems, but I just dint really know what to do, because keeping feelings like this to myself has led to so many fucking breakdowns, but if I tell people I’m struggling they’ll think I’m an ungrateful cunt and I don’t know what to but I’ve been fighting the urges since I found out.

Also super fun story when I went to sign the contract for the council flat I had a panic attack, nearly passed out and had to sit on the kitchen floor out of it while the council lady looked super confused. It was vvvvverry embarraing.

I’ve got incredibly anxious about leaving the house at the minute unless it’s to go to work or the corner shop. But I have to go into town tomorrow, because my work shoes have literally just disintegrated and I really am dreading it, I’ve put it of for two days.

It’s just every time I go out I get really paranoid and thing everyone’s judging me or that someone’s going to hurt me and I just really don’t want to deal with it. And normally to make it more bareable I’d ask a friend to come with me but obviously we aren’t allowed

Idk just scared I’m gonna have a panic attack and embarrass myself

So everyone will have to wear face mask in shops now which I agree with but it just means that we are going to start getting abuse again for asking people to wear them and wearing them on a ten hour shift when we’re doing lots of heavy lifting and shit, ain’t gonna be fun

I find it really interesting how people seem to be all about raising awareness and help for mental illness like depression, eating disorders and anxiety disorders (which obviously there should be) but I barely see anything about psychotic illness, personality disorders and bipolar and a few others

It sort of feels like some are becoming more socially acceptable than others? Idk

So I’ve been on the list for a council flat for about a year and I haven’t got any where, this week I found out that I’ve been put under the homelessness team so, hopefully I should have somewhere to live that mine in a month or so.

Although there was a very awkward part of the phone call where she was trying to say why they would’nt be giving me a multi story flat without actually saying it haha

I keep getting extremely sad about home much I miss dance, which i know is stupid because it’s been years since I did it, but they were all my family and I genuinely loved dancing, but I had to leave when I went to uni, and by the time summer had come back around I was too poorly and covered in scars to go back and that was six years ago but I still really really miss everyone

Lockdown is really fucking with my head and I just feel super sad and lonely and I am grateful because I know there are so many people in worse situations than mine but honestly I’m struggling so much.

I hate where I live and honestly sometimes I don’t feel especially safe here. My family are miles away and I wish desperately I could fuck of and just go into lockdown at there’s would probably help but I can’t because I’m working, but I’m also super glad that I’m working and I know I’m lucky I can because other people want to. But even work scares me. Where getting shouted at and people don’t seem to understand the safety measures and people aren’t taking it seriously and it just makes me super angry that I have to serve hundreds of people when I’m at work that are coming in for none essentials but I can’t give my mum a hug.

I miss my friends

I miss my family

My heads currently just filled with all the horrible things I could do to myself and it’s taking so much effort not to do them and I’m just tired and sad and lonely and don’t really know what to do

Living in supported accommodation is wild man

One of the lads that live here keeps talking about how objects should have faces, and not gonna lie worried he’s stopped taking his meds and I’m not equipped to deal with this situation

I’m really starting to struggle, I’ve worked so hard to create a ‘good life’ for myself and it sorta feels like it’s been taken away.

And I know this sounds melodramatic and it probably is but idk

I really just don’t understand anythinggggg and I’m scared and stressed and just wanna be at my mums and feel safe and not lonely, but work.

I just really hate this and I know everyone does but I just need to get it out before I freak the fuck out

So I know where in a crisis and all that jazz, but I think it’s kinda bad that I haven’t heard from anyone of the support staff in the house I’m living in, like I get they can’t come around, but I haven’t even had a phone call or a text?

I also haven’t heard from my cpn or anything, which isn’t ideal because my brains been a little shit

Idk really I just think some form of help would be still going?

Having so so so much fun working in a supermarket at the minute (sarcasm, if you were curious).

Please just be nice, we’re literally doing our best, I’m not to blame that there isn’t things on the shelves so shouting and swearing at me really ain’t gonna fix it.

Don’t shout at me when I’m sat on a checkout and say you can’t buy 12 packs of beans, I’m literally just doing my job.

Don’t snatch things out of my hand before I can even put it on the shelf, waiting four seconds really won’t kill you.

Please just give us all a break, we’re tired, we’re stressed. We’re putting in long hours and extra days and you literally have no idea what people could be going through.

To the people that are being patient and nice and treating us like humans, you’re making it easier to come into work.

So please just be kind

#retail #supermarket #bekind

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