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The Mum Effect

I am not a boss. I am not a coach. I am not a teacher. Secretly I suspect I would be terrible at it. But I have been looking at people in power. In fact I read about it. Books. Two. I suspect this is because I feel so powerless most of the time. But also because I spend a lot of time trying to understand. People places things. I am well aware of the saying - a zen thing: " If you understand, things are as they are. If you don't understand, things are as they are." Be that as it may I want to understand. I can't help it. "Love is understanding." Another zen thing. I know all sorts of zen things. Including zen on power. At least I read a zen book on power too. One of the two books on power.

Meet the mum effect.

It's the whisper in your ear telephone game for hierarchies. Bad news either gets softened or lost as it moves up the food chain. In the instinct of self preservation. I do it too. Bureaucracies live by it. Endless fodder for Monty Pythonesque comedies. Spacecrafts explode because of it. Crazy roadschemes get built because of it. Major oil spills are caused by it. Illicit exramarital relationships thrive on it. Mindnumbingly bad plays are hailed as works of genius thanks to it. And every once in a while risks are taken but my guess would be in spite of it. Someone somewhere asked: what is the worst that could happen? And expected. No. Demanded. An Honest Answer.

It is safe to say I am deluded.

https://hbr.org/2010/06/some-bosses-live-in-a-fools-pa

In the movies

anytime anyone pulls on the emergency brake there's deafening shrieking metal, people tossed about. Total Chaos. If you are like me you have spent endless hours staring at that do not pull in conveniently Red Letters sign wondering what would happen if you did with visions of jail and inspectors with moustaches and wagging fingers looming.

On an autumn morning yes crisp and sunny happily chatting away I saw someone pull the emergency brake. A prank. Trying to impress two giggling girls and yes they giggled and he swaggered. In my memory the train halted immediately and in total silence. No one moved. Except for the giggles. And in this total motionless silence the crackling of a microphone and a voice. 'this is your conductor. I am listening'

Hiding the ladder and Motherfuckitude.

http://www.nypl.org/blog/2015/01/23/podcast-cheryl-strayed

http://www.brainpickings.org/2015/04/13/cheryl-strayed-write-like-a-motherfucker-advice/

Hiding the ladder is the process by which someone who has achieved a measure of success however that is defined be it success considered as fame or money or power or a combination thereof or goal weight hides consciously or unconsciously how and by what effort they got there or what means. It then appears as if it was achieved by magic or genius. they are the chosen ones. By fate. Dame Fortunae. They are special. And others not. Obviously. Picasso. And so the next generation doesn't know and plummets. Unworthy. But really ignorant. The ladder was hidden from them and so their roles as kneeling serfs is sealed. Hard work will not always get you there. But kneeling serfdom is sure not to.

Hello motherduckitude. Sorry. Motherfuckitude.

What Gandhi Knew.

When I despair, I remember that all through history the ways of truth and love have always won.

-- Mahatma Gandhi

One never thinks of these guys as despairing. Or Being Scared. In fact it is easier to think of them as some sort of extraterrestrials. not quite of this world. Born with night goggles. Freaks of nature. A weird event. And above all. Unrealistic.

What did he know.? " All through history the ways of truth and love have always won."

Where? How? did he come to know this. .

I,, such a good little student what is it that I was taught? In school and church, Obedience. And Being Nice. In the end long past the times of being graded. I am failing both.

It is very annoying to profess being an artist. One is constantly besieged by the question what will I make art about? What is worth saying. And how to say it. What does this contribute? What does this do? Is it worth the interruption?

Meaning.

On my bench it is the first question asked. Why do you do this? What does this mean?

Take away the motivation of fame, money and attention. What is left?

Gandhi knew his were the ways of truth and love. What bit will I be chewing off today?

Why mothering is the worst

One is going to make mistakes. No one survives their childhood unscathed. Including one's children. There is no escaping that guilt.

"We are all sinners. " Isn't that what - at least in the West The Catholic or need I say Christian - Protestants, Lutherans, whatever seem to have a similar go at it. So Christians it is are brought up on. Sin then usually meaning something unnamed and unnameable but you know you are guilty of it. And 'god sees you' So does Santa Claus. And now The Internet. There Is Someone Watching. A Prince Charming. Not sure what the equivalent would be for men.

Sin would then be imperfection wouldn't it? But a theologian would be the one to ask what sin really means. Homosexuality says one. Playboy another. Thou shalt not. And Love Thy neighbour. Don't be an asshole says The Internet. And Don't Be Poor. Or Old. Or Ugly. Unless you are a man. A white man. And Rich. This then is the agenda.

Be Someone.

I am looking at my clothes. luxury is anything valued above it's strict functionality. The clothes I own are some sort of image of me. Like the books unread it is now time to wear them or pass them on

Guilt.

Survivor's guilt. Existential guilt.

In the end there can only be one conclusion. Things happen. Whether or not heaven exists.

"Dugongs commonly live in shallow, sheltered bays and lagoons, less than 5 metres deep. They normally avoid inshore areas because flooding there may create salinity turbidity that hinders seagrass growth, but they do occasionally move into river mouths and creeks." source wwf.

"early sightings of the species by lonely sailors are believed to have led to the legend of the mermaids. " ttp://www.edgeofexistence.org/mammals/species_info.php?id=53 Edge xtands for Evolutionary Distinct and Globally Endangered.

I am not even going to start on remembering what the categorical imperative means.

Marvin says it better. Life. Don't Talk To Me About Life.

Our last

freedom.

The freedom to take a stand.

Viktor Frankl https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlC2OdnhIiQ

There it is. Hope. Again.

Linked to a choice.

The last choice to make.

My way of thinking.

My perspective. How I perceive. My point of view. What color glasses.

Interestingly I need permission.

From outside.

Too afraid to fail. Make a mistake. With dire consequences. All my fault.

I once read a book on fear. I am addicted to self help books.

And the one message it had. What stood out. And I remember. Is this: "I will handle it."

I am helpless because I am afraid of helplessness.

If you want to order coffee in Mandarin. yi bei ka fei. source; white boy chinese youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TI_wSCd0Reg

Why crabbing. The most. Important. Ever.

He says it better than I ever could. (video via Brain Pickings http://www.brainpickings.org/2015/04/14/viktor-frankl-1972/ )

When I get upset with people I tell myself things like 'living well is the best revenge' or 'it could be worse I could be them' and so on. Now to this collection I will add: "There must be a spark of meaning in this person."

In seventh grade or so a teacher is rumored to have said. Deep down this person is a good person. Really deep down.

This is probably not what Viktor Frankl is referring to. Or Goethe.

Crabbing. Flying sideways to hit the target. Expecting more to reach the goal. The opposite of learned helplessness. What's the use.

And maybe that is what it means to me to be an artist. A way out of a life I can not could not imagine. Could not did not do not want to be a part of.

In fact I am sure it is. And asking me, forcing me, manipulating me to give this up is destroying me. Not the 'I am special. I am an artist'. me but the me with hope and I can do this.

Hello despair. Goodbye hope.

"It is much better to be on the side of humanity" " I don't just take photographs. I think." There were these rather hateful people in these ridiculous kind of outfits smoking huge cigars" . The terrible things they did in the name of christianity. The greatest champion of journalism and what this meant

“Acceptance looks like a passive state, but in reality it brings something entirely new into this world. That peace, a subtle energy vibration, is consciousness.” Eckhart Tolle

Even my dark room is a haunted place.

Do not see have this for breakfast (which I am) nor alone late at neight either. Chillng. Haunting and beautiful. A movie that inspires a deep reverence for life. As I am fuming over 20 cm of parking space.

Let me back up a bit.

The best friend journalism ever had

Be the bigger person

Blue light

The rule book has been rewritten and not in our favour.

I do this so often. Jot notes thinking I 'll remember and fill it out. But I don't and then I am left wondering weeks, months later..... What? I do remember the trigger being a photographer. A documentary on. And a British newspaper mogul - I think he was British and not a current one who would not give the advertisers what they wanted..; news that would not upset their buyers. He left his journalists and photographers free and in the process legends were made the world was changed the Vietnam war was ended.

I need reminding daily mass appeal is a treacherous thing. That there is a difference between price and value. And that I set my own standards.

Life. Stuff like that.

When is a genius a genius. How to change things. Forever.

Jérôme Bel masters the art of making pieces you could have done should have done wished you had done but didn't. One can but kneel.

Here a little gem. shirtology http://www.ubu.com/dance/bel_shirtology.html

And a little longer one the show must go on http://www.ubu.com/dance/bel_show.html

Go on. Look what else you can find. You may find out why Swan Lake makes Dancers of the Paris Opéra want to run screaming off the stage.

The man who might have been

Innocence is not enough

https://www.nfb.ca/film/man_who_might_have_been

- This is my daughter. I was once accused of threatening to kill my daughter and myself. Of being violent raging abusive. Pages of this sort of stuff. The interesting thing was that the person doing the accusing was never asked to provide even a shred of proof. Not one witness. Not one fact. Experts, judges, lawyers, acquaintances. people who had seen me daily for nine years all seemed to take the vieuw that if someone launches something like that it must be true. No questions asked. Where I could provide proof of factual inconsistencies and lies I did. And as is known negative proof. The proof that you did not do something is impossible. This is why in most systems the burden of proof is on the accusers. But I was distrusted. All the sympathies were with the accuser veiled under the hypocrisy of socalled impartiality. But impartial it is not. Sometimes to reserve judgment to not speak up to do nothing is to side with the abusers. Only very close friends, a lawyer who had known me for years and in the end one policewoman after years helped to turn the tide. The person in the end walked away as if nothing had happened. These were shattering times. No one can endure this forever. Or without support.

Gossip may seem innocent enough. But it is in the end stealing someones reputation. It kills. Prejudice. racism apathy in the face of injustice or need is a collective killing.

You can tell I feel pretty strongly about that

https://www.nfb.ca/film/memorandum

THere is a theme emerging.

700 years supply of arctic underwear

As promised. I watched. It did not disappoint.

Now you too can be in the know https://www.nfb.ca/film/paperland

Homo Bureaucratus. One day in the night of Jonathan Mole. The dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. The Only Game in town. One man was weak and others were greedy.

Casper and I have started our own mini film club of two. This was not my idea. One doesn't always have to be creative in life. I got it from a book. Saturday morning we went to a cinematography lecture on Potemkin. A rundown theatre. A few people. In the dark for three hours. A French guy bearded jeans and in black. A labor of love by an extraordinary mind. Not for the faint hearted. And not necessarily geared for mass appeal. And what a relief. Hamburgers may feed the stomach but not the soul.

Sunday we saw crimes and misdemeanors 1989 Woody Allen. And marveled at his use of a little to tell a lot.

Monday we looked at Under the volcano: An Inquiry into the Life and Death of Malcolm Lowry. Don't read the blurb. I know it says documentary which is enough to put it on anyone's someday maybe list But resist. Watch it. Just click here. Full film. http://www.nfb.ca/film/volcano. It's the life of brian equivalent of the discovery channel. One can but be intrigued at the minds of the makers.

And intrigued I was and so discovered: One day in the night of Jonathan Mole. https://www.nfb.ca/film/day_in_night_jonathan_mole Sadly still very much up to date. and the yet to be watched tale of the homo bureaucratus. Looking forward to it. Today.

The dictionary of obscure sorrows is just that : a dictionary of obscure sorrows. Watch and be depressed https://www.youtube.com/user/obscuresorrows/videos

Last friday a car was parked in front of my garage. After waking the whole neighbourhood i finally call the police. 45 minutes pass I call again. And again. By that time unknown neighbours have piled out of their houses. We search in neighbouring cafes. It's now a party. But no police. Today I leave my car for ten minutes on a hookers street. I know what am I doing there? And immediately get fined. There must be pop up policemen to alert any time anyone leaves their car without paying the outrageous parking fees even for a minute. I should have parked in front of a garage. Woody Allen is right. The asshole gets the girl the establishment schmuck gets away with murder.

This is what Richard Rohr says about the negative side of corporations, mass consciousness and collective cultural moods. That control us.

"Paul seems to think, and I agree with him, that corporate evil can only be overcome or confronted with corporate good. Paul uses primitive yet very powerful words for the negative side of corporations, institutions, and nations--in various translations: "thrones, dominations, principalities, and powers" (Colossians 1:16). These are not "bad angels" as much as collective evil attitudes. However, because they are so widely shared, they no longer look like evil. Paul is pointing to the mass consciousness or collective cultural moods that control us, things we can't see when we're inside of them. And, because of this, and the way we are programmed to think, the powers and principalities are hard to resist.

For instance, I've never heard a single sermon on the tenth commandment--"Thou shalt not covet . . . anything that is thy neighbor's" (Exodus 20:17)--because coveting goods is the only game in town. It's called capitalism, consumerism, and advertising! It would be downright un-American to criticize any of these. " End Of Quote.

'One man was weak' was to be my cliffhanger but I hate cliffhangers. Poldark is a period british tvseries currently in remake. It stars 'one of the sexiest men on television' a heathcliff type of individual endowed with the usual real man traits: taciturn, bulging muscles, dark wild hair. His cousin heir to the local pile of bricks and "the one that got the girl" is not so lucky. Inevitably as these things go he gambles away the family fortune causing untold hardship for the workers toiling miserably whose livelyhood depends on it. Leaving Poldark to remark: ' one man was weak and others were greedy.' Nasty little buggers. Another time, another place, the oldest trick in the book to tell unacceptable truths.

° This is my daughter. Like the three fairies at the fairytale crib one is supposed to wish beauty and all your dreams come true meaning riches and The Guy. The Top Manitou. How counterintuitive it has become, stingy even to instead wish for the courage to overcome hardship also known as the difficult stuff in life and bureaucracy, the wisdom of living simply / ignoring the joneses, and humor lots of humor.

Squirrels crossing the highway

Who believes that their vote has any influence? Who believes that they can influence in any way decisions being made about for example whether a beautiful square will be turned into a parking? Yet we all go on and on about how we live in a democracy. With freedom of expression not far behind. The individual reigns supreme. Supposedly. Yet what we have lost. Is precisely the force that lies in numbers. The power a whole community has to say no no more.

Alone we are squirrels crossing the highway.

* This is my daughter. If I had a wish for her it would be to build community. To get real. There is suffering. Let's unite. Let's stand for something. There is so much to be done. The cult of the individual is overrated. Together we stand. But said in this way it feels like words in the wind. Empty platitudes. We've heard it all before. Boring. What' s in it for me.

Yet it starts with one. So how to build community must be reinvented. 'How to win friends and influence people.'

It's ok to shout in the wind.

when to stop fighting

* This is my daughter. What would the perfect daughter have looked like, Like me? A little clone. Heaven forbid no. A puppet? who does what i want or need her to be and do? No. Somenoe else's daugher. Like someone else's daugher. or her brother or somenoene else's brother. The same . Different. something else. a little tweak there. A snippet here. Like a haircut. The perfect haircut. And everyone knows what that looks like after 10 seconds in the rain.

Bling Bling. The Titanic.

All the books will tell you what a disaster it is for kids to be raised by a single parent. They do less well in school. They get picked on or become bullies. Blah blah blah. The only thing you can do is feel bad. And tired. Very tired. Your kid will not have suzuki violin lessons at two or better still one and a half. Tennis lessons at three or preschool math. You will struggle along learning the art of reading bedtimestories with your eyes closed. how to draw a billion strange faces on the hardboiled eggs for dinner learn the art of vintage clothing.

But now that your kids are thirty you will discover that you have unwittingly escaped the scourge of the applause generation legacy of Parents Who Love Too Much. After the lost generation the baby boomers the yuppies and the geeks the western world is reportedly besieged by thirty somethings suffering of 'empty' and expecting to be rich thin and entertained on the platter of all you can eat buffets, amazon and the mouse. Hooray you did something right. Your kids have seen the mud with the lotus. and are standing kneedeep in it having fun.

Saint exupéry and Roald Dahl were both raised by single mothers and knew how to conjure up elephants and giraffes. Or maybe they learned that from flying aeroplanes. But I don't think so.

- This is my daughter. You 'll think me an old hag. But I see signs of the applause generation in her. (oooh aaah ) and the spectre of emptiness and entitlement floating like a looney hindenburg not far behind.

(When kids are spoiled who spoiled them.)

a play is played

a play list

I feel like an elephant caged. The this is my husband this is my daughter structure are my bars. As are the demands to explain why I say what I say as I am saying it. I want people to think not me lecture.

A play is a play. I may just resort to playing the god dog garage elephant truck game. source Shimpei Takahashi http://go.ted.com/Pav

* This is my daughter. In her garage she keeps a cardboard box with a dog an elephant and a truck. Her favourite possessions at four.

* This is my daughter. I may have killed her cat. I think. It was an accident ofcourse. And much later literally years later I realised I may have killed her cats kids. I mean not on purpose. .

(We have never talked about it. I feel horrified every time I think of it. Even now.)

She really loved that cat.

... written april 3 2015 Odd to read this now.

(

more coffee

"People mistakenly believe the best memoir is the one in which the grossest stuff happens. If that were true then everybody who was at Auschwitz would have written a best seller. People had way worse childhoods than I did and they didn’t sell as many books. How it’s written counts for something."

Mary Karr, The Art of Memoir No. 1 via the paris review

"Be a good steward of your gifts. Protect your time. Feed your inner life. Avoid too much noise. Read good books, have good sentences in your ears. Be by yourself as often as you can. Walk. Take the phone off the hook. Work regular hours."

Jane Kenyon via Brain pickings here http://www.brainpickings.org/2015/09/15/jane-kenyon-advice-on-writing/

and this "11 things ultra-productive people do differently" Travis Bradbury http://qz.com/440453/11-things-ultra-productive-people-do-differently/

Advice is everywhere. Necessity makes things very simple. Hungry? Eat or get something to eat or get the means to get something to eat. The Basics. In Excruciating Pain? Get help. Or get to where you get help. But once beyond that. It gets complicated. It gets muddled. Confused and confusing. Even the basics are lost out of sight. Witness Karoo. Death from overwork. Or the guy who starts bleeding from his nose because he must continue the golfing party for his office. I get muddled all the time. For the chronically muddled there is now a term. ADHD. or ADD or something like that.

In fact I have gone beyond chronically muddled. I feel guilty. Guilty for resting when sick.

And a failure. A failure for not grabbing every chance. I am not trying hard enough. I should've would've could've.

There is tremendous relief in admitting defeat. And when the best laid plans and promises and resolutions are dying their noisy rattling last breaths around me. I ask myself what next?

Because I have the luxury of choice.

Casper: Ar school we had to fill in a questionnaire and it asked do you have learning disablities or some such and this new girl said how do you spell dyslexic?

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