“The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on him in truth.” Psalms 145:18
The way I think about God’s grace towards me is so messed up. I “believe” that it’s free and has been given to me but after some deep reflection this morning, I realize that instead of just accepting it, I feel like I need to earn it. As if I can’t come into his presence unless I’m perfect and doing everything right. As if otherwise, He won’t want to be near me. As if He would look on me in disgust.
How much His heart must break when He sees the way I think. Exactly when I should go into His presence and ask for His forgiveness and depend on Him, I hide myself. I’m suddenly aware that I am Adam and Eve. Is it only natural that we hide ourselves from His glory because we are sinners? But He gave us a forever open door to Him through the death of His beloved son. Actually, he basically took down the door and tore down the walls yet I’ll sit here cowering under the blanket “pretending” He isn’t on the other side or believing monstrous thoughts about His character.
There is literally no barrier between us. He is a good God. These moments when I’m feeling the most unrighteous is when He will be able to use me to the greatest extent. I read all about this in the Bible and hear it from all over and “know” this but underneath it all, I don’t fully believe it?
Lord, please help me understand. Help me with my unbelief and heal me. He is near to ALL who call on Him in Truth. Praise God for hearing me in my struggles and helping me see Him. For helping me unveil my eyes to Him. He has and will always be near to me.
“The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on him in truth.” Psalms 145:18
Sitting at home, got nothing to do. Felt pretty down and dead inside from not having a good prayer or bible study in a few days. I have a lot of thoughts going on in my head every day, spiritual and not but I just get too lazy to jot it down to put on here later. This lazy thing is really going to bite me in the butt.
A little background on me, I stopped wearing jewelry, watching movies/tv shows, and drinking coffee. Why I stopped: I should attract people to me by the words that come out of my mouth, the subtle ways I’m influenced is not so subtle, and caffeine is just plain bad for your health.
I’m struggling with watching movies/tv shows. BADDDDD. I love movies. I love tv shows. I love watching the drama and ridiculous plot lines in each story. They’re more entertaining than I could imagine. I can’t begin to tell you how much I want to watch a movie. It’s like wanting to eat an ice cream cone that you’ve already had a taste of when you’ve starved all day and it’s blazing guns outside. I REALLY WANT IT.
So, my go to? I watch the little snippets on Instagram. I’m clearly addicted and I want to watch a movie so bad. One reason I haven’t broken already is that I’m being held/not being held accountable. My friends and family know that I’ve stopped watching movies and shows so if I feel like I can’t watch them or else they’d ask and I’d feel like a failure in sorts.
If I really loved God, I would obey him and in turn, hate sin. Movies/shows - at least the ones I like - are nothing but a big rumpus of sins. Sin here, sin there, everywhere a sin sin. I should hate sin. This is one way I see how terrible of a person I am. To love sin and want to watch it even while knowing that it’s bad and how it influences me. BUT, I LOVE IT. Deep down, I don’t even want to hate it.
I haven’t watched a show for a couple of months but realized that not all films are bad. Documentaries, for instance don’t contain sin. Except for when I sit around and don’t do anything but watch them. In which case, I’m again breaking the law and not working as the hard-working Christian I claim to be. WHAT A HYPOCRITE.
Something I’ve noticed though is how my longings to watch a movie/show has grown significantly since beginning to watch documentaries. Why? Because they don’t offer the same DRAMA I’m craving. So, easy fix, right? Just stop watching those too. But now that I’ve started, it’s almost that much harder to stop even that.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that on Instagram, now, on my explore tab - where I spend most of my Instagram time - there are tons of movie trailers and clips. Obviously because I’m watching them and being drawn to them when they appear but wow. Social media really knows how to suck you in, huh? They really want to please you and provide you with all of the information you desire.
More to come later. For now, please pray for your sister. aka me. Also, message me your prayer requests. I can’t promise anything now, but if I get to them, I’ll try my hardest to remember you in my prayers. But I for sure will pray for you at least once when reading them.
.....Let me preface by saying: I’m not normally a negative person and I can see that starting off my first blog post with a negative attitude is, well, not the greatest first impression, but hang in there. The end of this post has a happy ending. If you can call it that. Here we go!
It’s actually my 5th day in New York. I should have started this on the 19th of September but for reasons - soon to be disclosed - I’m starting now.
It is now 10:33AM here in Brooklyn, NY.
Weeks before I made the move from the Golden State to the Big Apple, my spiritual life was riding a dramatic rollercoaster. One week would spring forth spiritual enlightenment after spiritual enlightenment while the next would be as lifeless as a banana peel on the kitchen counter.
Even the days leading up to my move, I didn’t have personal devotional bible studies in the morning because (my excuse) my bible was already packed away and to get it out would be a hassle. (insert: are-you-kidding-me face)
Nonetheless, I’m here now; sitting at our living/dining room table after having a great devotion this morning. So far, I haven’t missed a night of praying right before bed or praying as I got up in the morning. Praise God. I’ve had time to read my Bible and daily commune with God.
Some thoughts I’ve had during my devotions/while reading the Bible:
1. I believe I’m facing a big trial here in New York partly because everyone keeps telling and reminding me how tempting and dangerous a city is for anyone. Especially someone who is trying to stay connected to God.
Even every morning struggle to spend quality time in prayer as soon as I wake up is a trial in itself.
Living with my sister is my personal trial. I have a nasty NASTY problem of getting absolutely absorbed in the feeling of being annoyed by small little things she does. I understand it’s most always just me pushing my shortcomings onto her and essentially being irritated with myself.
But James 1:2-4 gives me joy to know that if I can overcome these day-to-day trials, my faith is strengthened and my perseverance is developed. WHAT JOY(((((((:
[Already, I’ve come across a situation where I was feeling annoyed at her but this verse helped me release those dirty emotions. Of course it was still very much an internal struggle but it won’t be easy the first few times. Like working out, it will get easier and more enjoyable.]
2. Many times I’ll read the Bible and feel like I’ve received many blessings but go about my day without giving another thought to what the Holy Spirit had impressed upon me.
[One prayer I like to pray, after my devotions, is to ask for the Holy Spirit to remind me throughout the day of the things I’ve learned. And, because of my lack of faith, I get surprised when, out of nowhere, a verse will pop into my head or I’m reminded to think back on what I had extracted from my readings. Just more proof that God listens and answers prayers when they’re within His good will.]
The verses I’ve put into memory these past couple of days:
1. Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4
[In my devotion with my sister this morning, she brought up how her problem begins with even getting to want to have morning devotion or prayer. It was only because I began reading James that I was able to explain to her that her perseverance is being developed too! I hope it gave her some encouragement.
Doing things because we know it’s the right thing is at least a step in the right direction. Actions lead to feelings!(:]
2. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it -- he will be blessed in what he does. James 1:25
3. If we claim to have fellowship with Him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. 1 John 1:6
Back to why I didn’t start on the 19th: My flight was on the 19th at 6AM but I thought it was on the 18th at 6AM. Got to the airport at 6AM on the 18th and found out it was on the 19th at 6AM. Woke up at 6AM and got to the airport at 6:45AM on the 19th. Got placed on the red eye flight at 11:30PM on the 19th. Came back to the airport a third time at 8:40PM on the 19th; I wasn’t going to miss this one. Found out that my flight actually landed me in New Jersey but finally arrived in New York at 12PM on the 20th and have been too lazy to actually start a blog until yesterday morning.
So, not much of a story because most of it is just me being lazy.
*Sidenote: I’m realizing that writing a blog isn’t as easy as writing in a journal. But maybe it should be.
More or less what I wrote in my iphone notes in my Uber ride to my apartment from the airport: “Sad I’m not home but not as sad as I think I should be. It’s not as glamorous as I thought it’d be. Some parts look like San Francisco so I feel close to home. Weird to think about all the different places people live. I’m curious to see how people’s minds are different here because that’s basically what I think is the difference in different cities. More run down that I had expected. People look disappointingly average/normal. The same as everywhere else. They’re not happier here. Maybe more sad? Still trees everywhere so we’re connected to nature. Gloomy day. A Kenyan Christian gospel singer struck up a conversation with me because of my guitar. Weird blocks of long soft grass that looks like it belongs in an expansive wildflower field. Every corner is different. Like each building, street, sidewalk is getting repaired at random, different times. Some new, some old. Not sure what I’m expecting. I can’t imagine living here for very long and I’m supposed to - with my current plan - stay here for a good 2 1/2 years. I’m not a city girl. What will happen to my spiritual life. My plans are to start a bible study group and spread God’s love as much as possible. Having doubts about my future but reminded of God’s omnipotence. Not worried about my future but can’t help feeling like I won’t be here for the entire ~3 years. We’ll see.
Just got into our apartment and it’s hecka cute. I need to make friends. Good friends. I’ve got loads to do.
People do move faster here. Workers care less about customer service.”
Hahhaahah man. I really enjoy reading old journal passages. This one wasn’t even from very long ago.
A lot of my feelings have changed since first breathing in the new sights of New York. I know I said I this post would have a happy ending but I’ll have to save that for the next one. I’ve got things to do today. If you happen to end up reading this and have any prayer requests, please send them my way(: I would love to pray for you.
