Nylon Dreams of Infinity

I confess my sins in a notes app confessional for the soulless screen will never judge me

[brothertodeath]

"Ny" Nylon Infinity, he/they, 26, 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

I am a random assortment of prerecorded cliches

squeeze my hand for something deep to the shallow and vaguely depressing

I wear a bleeding heart on my sleeve

so feel free to witness the broken and share with the masses

but if you relate to my cries into an uncaring void

it was never my intention

I'm just a lonely moon chasing a setting sun

[brothertodeath]

I fell for a boy who is as bright as the sun

but hides in sunsets

he just wants to make others shine

help others grow

I fell for a boy with a caring soul

he gives

and gives

and gives

and he swears he's fine

but that doesn't settle my mind

he calls me his moon

his hope in the darkness

but all I do is reflect the light he gives me

he thinks I'm a treasure

but I'm not so sure

he gives me life

he gives me hope

he gives me more than a reason to cope

I have a boyfriend that gives me more than he will ever know

I just hope the light I reflect back is enough til tomorrow

[brothertodeath]

to be known is to be loved and i know not myself

so no love I have

and in the end both are foreign experiences I crave so desperately

yet understand neither

[brothertodeath]

crisis actor, fast talker

therapy for the few

entertainment for the masses

block the scene to avoid making a scene

lest the director get mad

when you break the mask

disconnect from your sense of self

only to reconnect so yourself makes sense

shoot the scene, try not to scream

try to finally believe what they all mean

when the audience says "it's obvious

that you care so much to ever be so careless"

heart on your sleeve, ripped from your chest

on display for all to see, for all to witness

yet you feel so witless, so oblivious

to all these feelings apparently produced by this gorey wet mess

staining your well worn sleeve red

hollow chested, hollowed feeling

you know the words, know the meanings

and yet-

you're just an old suit fresh pressed

waiting for someone better to step in

to do more than play the part of a crisis actor heart

and actually live it

[brothertodeath]

I betray my neighbour with every step I take

for I am a dark mark on the two-headed snake

I call church and state

I have been hellbound from birth

sullying the lord's image with every breath

there is an inescapable sin running through my veins

powering my heart

tearing me apart

a guilt that lays in wait to claim me one day

for my neighbour tells me I shall surely pay

They call me Judas anew

and oh Judas if you only knew

that your kiss would pave the way

for this unnatural love they all claim

will only lead to hellfire and pain

oh Judas if you only knew

that Jesus truly loved you too

[brothertodeath]

did you take the road less travelled by?

I didn't and I regret that fateful journey

I followed the well worn path to a bloodbath

idly commenting on the footsteps I was following

soaked in red i was lead to this dead end

bodies stacked too high to pass

only left to face a road once paved in good intentions

now too coated in a sticky substance I feel too sick to mention

but I knew this path when I chose it so

for it lead my friends here once ago

I followed only to help them I swear-

but now I fear there's not much left of them here

at least in mind

for I see their bodies quite clear

and they claim it's all okay in the end

that they can fix

that they can mend

so I climb over a carnage

all this innocent spillage

and continue down this road most travelled by

by people lost to blood because by blood I am bound

to keep my friends the company they need

and hope when they next feed

it's not on me

[brothertodeath]

I'll take the chance to view

a life beyond this tragic show

let's build a house for two

even though we have no clue

because my happy ever after

starts and ends with you

let's take things slow

keep the burner low

a step at a time

will soon find us livin our lives

free of the pain others sow

so put your hand in mine

I can't promise you we'll be fine

but we can try, we can try

and maybe next time you cry

it will be from happiness this time

brick by brick let's build a life

a house for two

a home just for me n you

just me n you

me n you

[brothertodeath]

I dream of a future I'll never get to see

a golden opportunity

man once more takes that giant leap

to a planet red by nature, not grief

he looks upon a lifeless land

and follows twin treads to a life he planned

in hopes of finding a long lost friend

who paved the way for his own decent

he dusts off his kindness

to offer hope to the hopeless

and asks home to try again

for giving 14 years of loyalty

he gives back Opportunity

[brothertodeath]

long time no see

I've just been struggling to be human lately

can you kiss the freckle on my inner wrist

just to remind me that I do exist

the world can be such a lonely place

and I've forgotten where I've put my face

less a mask slipped than a skin I shed

to reveal the monsters I kept hidden in my head

now you know how horrible I can be

so how can you still call me your baby

[brothertodeath]

A parent looks at their child and says "I don't know where I went wrong, I don't know where this is coming from."

Only for the child to hold up a mirror and return. "I walk in your footsteps, as you've taught me, even if you no longer recognise the road you once walked down before me."

[brothertodeath]

stolen sighs and stolen kisses

stolen lives and stolen misses

just don't steal me

liarliarliarliarliarliarliarliarlair-

but you still think yourself a saint

so what does it matter if your pants are on fire

the only one burnt here is me

[brothertodeath]

A rot haunts my heart I cannot shift I cannot wish away I grab a knife and cut and flay and remove the ill will that has made a home there in hopes to stuff and fill the hollow where a heart once lay with rainbows and kittens and all the things worth loving to replace the maggot filled organ that filled me with depression oh who am i kidding i can't stop there i must grab a hook and pull and tug out a brain turned to mush from too much thought from too much what ifs and hate hate hate I hate the way I breathe why stop at the heart and mind why not be perfect in every way I can find so i cut and i tear and i shed a few tears but pain is gain and blood means love

but what if there's nothing left in the end?

well i guess I'll just finally be perfect then

[brothertodeath]

you spend so much borrowed time

grasping at the edge of the ever emptying hourglass

living for another

that you never stop to wonder

that one day-

your favourite artist will die

and if you try hard enough to survive

in the hopes of seeing them one more time

you'll have the misfortune of seeing the headline

but what do you do?

what do you do when you outlive your reason to live

how many people died with Mercury?

or did they just latch on to another life

to measure their own by

is the music you love simply an excuse

a lie to hide the bigger truth

that deep down no matter how much you cry

you don't think you have the guts to die

but who is ready for the answer?

not I

I simply bury myself deeper

in a solid beat and words to live for

[brothertodeath]

I have a toxic relationship with existence

I fear being seen but I crave the attention all the same

I want to be your only obsession

carve me with your skindeep affection

and when I bleed for you maybe I'll finally feel something

I know it's no good for me

but I rather have the poison stare on the otherside of the two-way mirror

slowly killing me with their hopes of twin misery

than know there's no audience for my autopsy

anyway what's the point of spilling my guts on the operating table's silver platter

when there's no one there to enjoy the horror

I have a horrible situationship with death

I miss the pain of being just a hair's breadth away

when the wolf used to hunt me

how his words would haunt me

big eyes, just to see me

me, me, me

it didn't matter that he had big teeth to match

because I would let him consume me

tear me limb from limb until all that was left

was sticky fur matting red

because in the end death didn't matter

for I only live to be wanted by another

sometimes I wonder if I killed him in the end

I no longer hear his poorly mimicked howls in reply

when I cry out my loneliness to the empty night sky

or maybe he found another to hunt

maybe my chase just wasn't entertaining enough

i should be elated to live another day

to be safe from a life as mere prey

but it leaves an itch under my skin

sour thoughts curdle my mind

as I wish to return the favour

and chase him in kind

to rekindle the flame

of our deadly foray

but this wolf skin is borrowed

illfitting

I sit and wait for signs of life in the slither of moonlight

but never move to claim

and in the end let the sun chase the thoughts away

of a creature I can't help but crave to fear

because at least when he ate my words

I knew I was heard

and to be heard is worth dying for my dear

[brothertodeath]

dreams rarely catch me by surprise

but tonight I lay by your side

and think what a wonderful place to die

in these moments of pure bliss

where only you and I exist

I let go of my internal abyss

and let myself bask in this

and in these moments I let sleep win

and dream only of your pure existence

I dream of April showers and blue cornflowers

of golden rays as a guitar plays

the perfect life with you by my side

of all the moments we share

and all the things I couldn't dare

I dream that you and I were made for eachother

as we share floors and beds alike together

and I only wish to die

so this moment could last forever

[brothertodeath]

I'm not a fan of surprises

I hate the unknown

the lack of control

but I think I understand now

why people crave them so

because right now

I hate knowing

I know the date

I know the time

to the minute in fact

when everything will end

and I hate knowing

I crave the surprise

I no longer want control

I want fate to play a cruel trick on me

I want the winds of time to change

I want to do something

anything

I want a miracle

I want that film cliche

the last minute wait no moment

that'll make everything okay

I want the pure chaos of the universe to save the day

but I feel cruel in my need to wish it all away

because I see the pain

and I know it's the one thing I can't change

in the end I'm just not ready to let go

but I'll never be ready to let go

tomorrow I'll look at the clock

and I'll know he's gone

and you don't get that with people

it's always sudden with people

even when it's not

because even when you know someone is dying

they don't give you an appointment card

there's no slip of paper with the time and date

oh so neatly written on

people don't get tidy scheduled endings

unlike man's best friend

with people it's a surprise

the unpredictability of everything at its finest

you never know when the last breath will be

not for sure

but I'll know with him

3:30pm, 19th of August

he dies on a Saturday

and I have counted down a week's worth of lasts with him

last walk

last meal

last good night kiss

I count the grains of sands in his hourglass slip by with every moment of normalcy I partake in

knowing it'll be his last

and it hurts

love hurts

to love is to open yourself to the pain of loss

because nothing is eternal

no matter how much you wish it was

[brothertodeath]

they say you're made of stardust

but you just can't see it

even though the vomit in your hands glitters with it

afterall vomit is just vomit when you're choking on it

you're a shining beacon they claim

you hold all their answers they bask in your flame

I guess you just shined too bright in the end

because they never saw you drowning in the pain

you're just their guiding star

they see you twinkle and stare in awe

they swear you hold the answers to the universe

but you hold none of your own

in fact you don't even know

if you can hold on much longer anymore