Title: Your lie in april
Pairing: Dazai/Atsushi
Summary: A your lie in april au nobody asked for. RIP in rest, my friend.
Notes: the funeral here is the death of (spoilers). I’m also crying.
Dazai holds the letter tightly in his hand while walking down the sidewalk.
He’s not a sentimental person, per se, he just thinks it’s more appropriate to read the letter when the right ‘time’ comes. It’s been almost a year when he left. This could have been the third year they will spend the spring together.
As soon as he sees he’s approaching the train, he takes the letter out of the envelope that has a ‘For Dazai Osamu-san’ in a messy handwriting. He takes a deep breathe, he can do this.
You must be reading this letter before the first day of spring while walking to the train, aren’t you?
I can’t blame you. I would read it in the same atmosphere too. How’s life going? It’s weird asking you that because you are right beside me, sleeping peacefully.
There are so many things I wanted to tell you but I couldn’t find the right words to say. I am very glad we have become friends, and you let me make so many good memories with you. To tell you the truth, that’s all I ever wanted. But, I became greedy.
Seeing you being happy with me awakened something in me that wanted to keep it forever. I wanted you to fall in love with me so deeply, the same way I am to you. It is extremely selfish of me, I know that. But, I couldn’t stop. You were everywhere. And I have loved you so much to stop.
I succeeded, sort of. Since you confessed to me in the train, last spring, under the cherry blossom sky like a romantic you are. I never wanted to say yes so much, that time made me so happy I could cry.
But, you remember what I said, don’t you? I said no. I said no and I said I don’t love you like that. And Dazai-san, I lied. I lied because I don’t want you to live on thinking we could be forever. I can’t give you that hope when I gave up on my own.
But, you remained friends with me when I thought you wouldn’t. The next day, you pretended nothing happened and it made happy and sad at the same time. It was wrong but I wished you fought and asked for the reason why. If I would have told you the truth, I don’t know. Probably not. I’m selfish, aren’t I?
I want to thank you and Kunikida-san, Yosano-san, Ranpo-san and everyone else. I wanted to leave with so many memories and you gave it to me. I will treasure them forever.
All I want is for my feelings to reach your heart.
I did, didn’t I? You know that I am in love with you as much as you are to me?
I’m really sorry, Dazai-san. I would have told you the truth myself if it wasn’t that painful. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.
Remember that theory you told me that before people die, their lives will come in a flashback for 40 seconds?
I have no doubt I will never regret those flashbacks if I see them. And that’s what’s important, isn’t it? I will die with my last breath on Earth will be a sigh of relief.
I love you. Please remember that. I love you as you are sleeping besides me. I love you as you are my favorite memory. I love you as you are reading this. I love you as you are in the future I will never see.
I love you.
Thank you for the adventure.
Dazai stares at the letter. So, Atsushi did lie. Of course, Dazai knows but he didn’t expect it to be confirmed. He laughs softly, and then he cries.
Atsushi died over a year ago. For someone who values life so much, he left Dazai a little too early. He didn’t even said goodbye. At that time, him and his friends were in the beach, having fun. Atsushi said he couldn’t come and that they should have fun for his sake.
But, what they didn’t know was that Atsushi was dying without them.
Dazai couldn’t remember the time he felt so much pain in one day.
He was about to put the letter back in the envelope when someone throws something at the back of his head.
“Will you stop crying?” Kunikida’s voice rings in his ears.
He looks back to see that it was a book that hit him. Dazai rubs the back of his head. “That hurt, Kunikida-kun.”
“You deserve it.” Kunikida replies. “You were gone as soon as the class ended. Yosano wanted to do karaoke!” Kunikida looks down to see the letter. “You read it, huh?”
“Yeah.” Dazai nods. “He said thank you, by the way.”
Kunikida snorts. “I know.”
Then, he hears the sound of the train, like how it usually is. He remembers this place. This is the first time he saw Atsushi in the other side, reading a book with his red scarf, this is also where he confessed his feelings and when Atsushi lied.
The train comes and for a second, Dazai imagines Atsushi is in the other side.
Spring is when he met him, spring is coming soon.
The train ends, and the wind comes, blowing the cherry blossom in the sky.
“Spring without you is coming.” He says as if Atsushi is in the other side.
Author’s note: i’m sure you know the lie is that atsushi said no i dont love you like that when dazai confessed. pretend the confession happened in april. rip
