This has been the laziest Saturday. Besides going to the bathroom, getting snacks, and writing this, I didn't leave my room. Played on the phone. I was donezo. Should I feel bad about it? Hmm, dunno. I don't really, though.
Hm...welp, here's the tarot thing I do:
Saturday's Card: Minor Arcana, Seven pf Wands, Uproght
Quick Read: protectiveness, standing up for yourself, defending yourself, protecting territory
It's funny, all I can think of is how this turns out to not be a good thing. Do too much hiding and you either are isolated from other people or you forget who you really are. Or worse, both of those things.
Holy smokes. I didn't blog at all this week. I was just...sigh, wasn't feeling it. I made tarot draws for each day, though, so I wasn't complete bum. Soooo here we go!
Sunday Dec 1's Card: Major Arcana, The Chariot, Upiright
Quick Read: success, ambition, determination, willpower, control, self-discipline, focus
Ahaha, I drew this card and then I didn't blog for almost six days. Hilarity. But seriously, I have always had self-discipline issues. I know in my head that there really isn't such a thing as "lazy", but...it's hard not to think I am deep down. Hate that for me.
Monday Dec 2's Card: Major Arcana, The Empress, Upright
Quick Read: divine feminine, sensuality, fertility, nurturing, creativity, beauty, abundance, nature
At first glance, this card isn't made for me. But once I get past the "divine feminine, sensuality, and fertility" parts, I'm gold.
Funnily enough, I re-listened to the 1915 book Herland by Charlotte Perkins Gilman, pretty much an Amazon story with parthenogenesis and socialism. There is such a HUGE emphasis on motherhood and education in their society, it's kind of endearing. (I'm now listening to the sequel, With Her in Ourland, where the "Diana" character pretty much travelings the world with her undercover misogynist strawman of a husband and critiques EVERYTHING. Not the best writing or story but my god is it fun...until you reflect on the fact that progressives have been saying the same things for so long and NO ONE IS LISTENING.)
Tuesday Dec 3's Card: Minor Arcana, Ten of Cups, Upright
Quick Read: (last time I gave the upright Quick Red, so this is the reversed one) unhappy home, separation, domestic conflict, disharmony, isolation
This read would have made a LOT of sense then I originally pulled the Ten of Cups. Everything is cool right now, that I can think of.
Wednesday Dec 4's Card: Minor Arcana, Page of Wands, Reversed
Quick Read: hasty, impatient, lacking ideas, prone to tantrums, lazy, boring, unreliable, distracted
Basically, everything I fear and think I really am. Thanks, Tarot-chan!
Thursday Dec 5's Card: Minor Arcana, King of Pentacles, Upright
Quick Read: abundance, prosperity, security, ambition, safety, kindness, patriarchy, protectiveness, businessman, provision, sensuality, reliability
*insert everything I said about Herland* Fuck the Patriarchy.
Friday Dec 6's Card: Minor Arcana, Knight of Cups, Reversed
Quick Read: disappointment, tantrums, moodiness, turmoil, avoiding conflict, vanity
Yet another card calling me out and attacking me. Dang.
Hmm....this actually relevant to my entry on my draw of the Queen of Cups...
Saturday's Card: Minor Arcana, Eight of Swords, Upright
Quick Read: trapped, restricted, victimized, paralyzed, helpless, powerless, imprisoned
At first glance this is completely irrelevant, especially the "victimized" part, but further reading on the card says that these feelings are often made worse with ideas that are self-imposed. A learned helplessness.
Bottom line: my job sucks. But I have no plans on leaving it right now because of some things I'm feeling trapped by. Some are kinda self-imposed to a degree (such as how I like that I pretty much get free reign to control the environment for six hours a shift, and I wanna keep that despite knowing it's not very important), some are not (such as, I don't drive and I have terrible balance. Pretty limiting in my part of the world.) I mean, even being a teacher's aide wasn't as expensive as this gig, and EVERYBODY knows about spending your own money on school supplies as a trope.
Wednesday's Card: Minor Arcana, Five of Pentacles, Reversed
Quick Read: positive changes, recovery from loss, overcoming adversity, forgiveness, feeling welcomed
I think that this journaling is helping me recover my writing regularly, bit by bit. Not that I haven't be writing at all. Just not officially, at the desk/laptop. It's complicated. I still feel like I have to work on my prose. I just hate it most of the time, even if it's a little important to telling a story.
Thursday's Card: Minor Arcana, NIne of Swords, Reversed
Quick Read: recovery, learning to cope, finding help, shame, guilt, mental health issues
I'd gotten a bee in my bonnet about getting an autism assessment. For a long while I'd set the idea aside, satisfied in knowing myself and not bothering with the many, MANY reasons it'd be difficult for me to even get a professional diagnosis. But the other night at work someone pointed out a behavior of mine and I couldn't get the idea that I should see SOMEONE about what's going on out of my head.
But then I later chickened out when giving my insurance information to an assessment place. I don't exactly know why, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not at all. I think what trips me up is the idea that my family may have to get involved, and while I wouldn't be ashamed, I would be annoyed. I don't see them believing it.
Friday's Card: Minor Arcana, Four of Wands, Reversed
Quick Read: lack of support, instability, feeling unwelcome, transience, lack of roots, home conflict
I feel like this is related somewhat to Thursday's draw. When you mask heavily, later you can feel like you have no idea who the real you even is.
But it's also related to it in regards to my family. Don't get me wrong, they are super supportive....of the heavily masked me, tho. I tell them about, like...16% of me, if that. Thirty-two percent if you're my mom.
This is the first time I've had to pull twice. My first card was the Queen of Cups, Reversed, which I'd done on November 22. Is that bad luck? Dunno, but we're rollin' with it.
Tuesday's Card: Minor Arcana, King of Pentacles, Reversed
Quick Read: greedy, materialistic, wasteful, chauvinist, poor with financial decisions, gambler, exploitative, possessive.
As my brother was VERY eager to remind me a little while ago, as a child, I was pretty greedy and obsessed with money. i do remember being a bit of a loan shark.
I'm not that way anymore because, holy shit, sometimes people really CAN change. Dude, I am LITERALLY a communist that wants people to be kind and share. Tell THAT to my brother, though.
Saturday's Card: Minor Arcana, Five of Wands, Upright
Quick Read: conflict, competition, arguments, aggression, tension, rivals, clashes of ego
I kept this one because when I pulled this card before, it was reversed.
All I can say is that my D&D group had a battle on Saturday and I had fun. I got to use Vicious Mockery and Eldritch Blast a bandit to death. Glorious.
Sunday's Card: Major Arcana, The Sun, Upright
Quick Read: happiness, success, optimism, vitality, joy, confidence, truth
Monday's Card: Minor Arcana, Ten of Cups, Reversed
Quick Read: happiness, homecomings, fulfillment, emotional stability, security, domestic harmony
I'm not sure what to think about these two cards. I was SUPER tired all of Sunday (until I thought of a stupid Star Trek drabble idea...) and Monday's card... is very similar. And I'm still tired. So WTF.
I've been awake for way too long today. I need more than a one-hour nap during the way, y'all. Zzzz...but it's my fault completely. Instead of sleeping when I had the chance, I watched four eps of Dandadan. It was too good, though. Great animation.
Anyway! Taroooooot.
Friday's Card: Minor Arcana, Queen of Cups, Reversed
Quick Read: insecurity, giving too much, over-sensitivity, neediness, fragility, dependence, martyrdom
....*sigh* It me.
Again, I work for a homeless shelter...and the amount of money I spend on it is just out of control. I mean, the inflation of the past few years has been hurting everyone, but it's been killing me. I'm not even getting fancy shit, just stuff to kinda help with day-to-day operations on MY shift (four days. I can afford but so much...) But at the same time, the thought of just stopping feels so wrong. I'm talking store brand cereal and pantry milk and dollar store cleaning supplies weekly.
I'm trying to get less, I really am. but the economy's not working with me, either. It's like even if I get fewer items in my cart, it costs the same.
Mom frequently gives me shit about it, but I ignore anything from her, to be honest. Every time she says something I want to yell, "When you stop tithing at church, I'll stop this." Not only is it relevant because I work for a Christian organization (I'm in North Carolina. Come on, chances of that were gonna be high), but her tithes are high, too.
Bluh.
Guh. Having a bleeding heart sucks.
(ALSO: MORE CUPS ARCANA. WHAT THE HECK. I AM SHUFFLING LIKE MAD.)
Sleepy i am. My bro called earlier and I said I had to get up to journal. Ended up going back to sleep. I'm the best. Here's my card pull before I fall asleep again:
Thursday's Card: Minor Arcana, King of Cups, Reversed
Quick Read: Overwhelmed, anxious, cold, repressed, withdrawn, manipulative, selfish
...not to deflect, but as a person that is extremely on their Star Trek bullshit, I really, really want to draw Spock as this card. Primarily because part of the card's description mentions the balance of emotions (and how the repression of them is actually quite bad). The biggest part of the Vulcan journey is learning to deal with with especially big emotions. Unfortunately, that slips into repression territory easily (like, that's the popular read of what being a proper Vulcan is, after the mistaken idea that they don't have emotions at all)
Okay, that was totally deflection, lol.
...doesn't Star Trek HAVE a tarot deck? *checks* Actually, they have one for TOS and for TNG. I wish to have them both. Thank you.
Heh. Guess who made themselves happy by watching three episodes of the Ranma 1/2 remake yesterday? Meeeee. I feel kinda bad about it, though, as it's a Mappa project. I doubt that they have completely cleaned up their work condition issues.
BUT! The tarot.
Wednesday's Card: Minor Arcana, Ace of Swords, Reversed
Quick Read: In this position, the Ace of Swords means confusion, miscommunication, hostility, arguments, destruction, brutality.
Ugh. That's certainly what happened this morning. I can't give real details, but I work at a homeless shelter. People with different energies go through there regularly. They're still people so of course. And people can just be angry they're in that situation and take it out on anyone they feel they can. Aaaaand that was me this morning, a new intake took her anger out on me and it wasn't cool. I hate writing people up for shit like this, but it was too much to ignore.
And I was being calm, too. But AGAIN I'm accused of being mean because of tone. and...my eyebrows? (I was wearing a mask at the time. WTF, I'm trying. But even my gentle voice is too much. I am so tired of people saying that.
When I pulled this, I was...blank. What the fuck could be changing like that? Or anywhere close to that?
-Losing a friend group? I hope not.
-Finally letting go of the fear holding back my writing? Ahaha, I wish it could be that. I haven't done the work for that to be true.
-GETTING MARRIED?? FUCK NO.
-Coming out with the various identities I have? Heh. No. Not happening anytime soon that I know of.
-Something related to a certain family member's health? Oh shit, I thought this card wasn't supposed to be literal.
Hm. So yeah. I'm more confused about this than anything. Confused and a little nervous.
I know, I've missed some days. Bio stuff was gettin' me down something fierce. Pretty much ruined my weekend.
So! Here's some card pulls for you:
Saturday's Card: Minor Arcana, Page of Cups, Upright
Quick Read: idealism, sensitivity, dreams, naivete, innocence, inner child, head in the clouds. Basically, the "AuDHD with a strong sense of justice" card. It me.
Also: what's with all the friggin' Cups up to now?
Sunday's Card: Minor Arcana, Five of Wands, Reversed
Quick Read: end of conflict, cooperation, agreements, truces, harmony, peace, avoiding conflict. On Sunday, part of why I was quiet with my group chat was to avoid conflict. I was prickly (BIO PAIN) and just knew I was about to pick a fight. So I stayed away.
Monday's card: Minor Arcana, Seven of Pentacles, Upright
Quick Read: harvest, rewards, results, growth, progress, perseverance, patience, planning. All the things I want, all the things I have trouble sticking to on my own. Dammit.
Same question: what's up with the Minor Arcana up to now? Should I be concerned? No idea here.
Tonight is the last supermoon of the year, Beaver's Moon. It doesn't look any bigger to ME, but it is bright and shiny and GORGEOUS. I invite any of you to at least look at it.
And we're going to ignore to I missed journaling yesterday. It was a night to recharge.
Today's Card: Minor Arcana, Three of Cups, Upright
This card's all about friendship (though it mentions romance?), community, gatherings, group and social events. Things that I'm...not so great at. Yaaaay.
When I first drew the card this morning, I was irritated at my mother for a thing she said. But now it's been over 12 hours, I'm feeling okay now. I guess I can think about Thanksgiving coming up instead? ...not much to say about that one, we (Mom and I) are all on our own for that one again. And to be honest, I don't mind it. I love my family, but they can be draining to me. So I'll look forward to the post-Christmas gathering and that's it.
JSYK: the deck that I'm pulling from is the Wyspell Classic Tarot Deck, which is black with gold edges and embellishments. So pretty.
I decided to smush this journal thing together with my studies and kinda do a daily tarot journal. Is that cool? Cool.
Today's card: Minor Arcana, Eight of Cups, Upright
This card in this position relates to change, letting god, or moving onto something new. But one thing I read is that it can be about abandonment, such as accomplishments. And I figured that this is definitely something I relate to. I can be pretty quick to stop something I don't like (such as not fucking with a food that I hate). Hell, I even stop things like I DO like (such as TV shows. Thanks, executive dysfunction! And the fact that I kind of hate goodbyes). But since I've been reflecting on writing lately...I must sadly report that I've got a thing with abandoning that, too.
I have never completed a story. Ever. No matter how short it was.
Oh, I may finish individual chapters, sure. But if a story's supposed to have 5 chapters, I'll finish 2. If it's supposed to have 3, I'll do 1. Or just not post at all. It's pretty embarrassing, actually. Frustrating. Because I know it's not good and I should just push through. But I just have never been able to get myself to do it. Hate that for me.
I hope that writing daily like this really does help me with that. I'm super old, I shouldn't be like this.
Not only can it be expensive, it can just be plain draining. It feels like whenever someone expresses a personal preference, I mentally check my work (like my writing, for example) to see if they would like it and make edits so that they will. It doesn't have to be a friend, it can be someone I don't even know. No, this isn't them giving legit writing advice or anything.
I know that I shouldn't be doing this. I am FAR too old to be worried about what a hypothetical audience thinks--especially when I've never really HAD an audience before.
Technically that's a lie. I've had people read my fics before. But I don't consider it "having an audience" when I only get feedback (of ANY kind) when I'm actively asking a personal friend. Like...dude...can I get even an emoji? Something?
Fuck, I didn't post yesterday. Not that I had a huge amount to say. My D&D session was cancelled so I just did a bunch of reading. I'm a slow reader, though, so it wasn't actually "a lot," lol.
'Cause Hell is forever
Whether you like it or not
Had their chance to behave better
Now they boil in the pot
'Cause the rules are black and white
There's no use in tryin' to fight it
They're burnin' for their lives
Until we kill 'em again!
I've been waking up with "Hell is Forever" in my head since Wednesday. Hmm, I wonder why. /s
I feel like I need to clarify what I meant yesterday slightly. I'm not confused about which set of gods are real--in the end, I don't think any of them are real, discrete beings, so that isn't the issue. My thing is just a lack of tradition that I can lean on without guilt. Like... I have zero connection to anything from Europe, so The Goddess and The Horned God are out. But at the same time, grabbing hold of Egyptian gods or anything else from Africa feels just as wrong. And I just know next to zip about hoodoo.
I was hyperfixated on voodoo and vodoun at one point in college. Maybe that meant something? lol Though that's just as rife with European stuff.
BUT...at the same time, I also believe that humans are humans. SHOULD I be so worried about that stuff? Maybe just be the godless rebel I've always been meant to be. Sounds pretty good.
I just know that something in the part of the house I'm in is itching me real bad and I really need to move. Cheers, y'all.
