**Caution: This post is more embarrassing and depressing than usual. Proceed at your own cost.Ā
I feel like Iāve been waiting to write this post since last night. Today I woke up feeling in general off but also sad. We had some people coming over so there was a lot to prepare and help my mom with, so I didnāt even get to workout.
All day, itās felt like Iāve been on the verge of tears. And not like one or two tears and then done, but like a full on sob. Even as Iām writing this, this feeling weighs down on me. Iām not fully sure why.
I canāt attribute it to one singular thing, but it must be a collection of everything thatās going on right now. I feel furious and a deeply rooted sadness for everything regarding George Floyd, the protests, and the #BlackLivesMatter movement.Ā
So when everyone arrived, that sad feeling was still lingering but I tried to push it away. At first I was nervous as to how the event would go, but as the evening continued it only reminded me of what used to be. What life was like when all these same people lived in the same city as us, how our biggest struggle used to be learning how to drive, and how life was so simple yet still so complicated.Ā
I guess as I write this post Iām just feeling sad in general. I feel sad that Iām growing up, and I feel sad about what that involves.Ā
While everyone was over, my mom got a call from my Mamo (uncle) saying my Nani Ami (grandma) is doing really badly, and to call her when we had time. And all I feel is deep sadness.Ā
Itās COVID season and I canāt send my mom to see her parents. My grandparents may pass away without all of their kids there since no one can travel due to COVID. And then to think about how this will effect my mom makes me want to lock myself up in my room and make time stop.
I think Iām scared because the biggest death in my life by far has been my dad. So because of that, I know the feeling of losing a parent is indescribable. I donāt want my mom to go through that. I donāt want her to be sad. Itās such a selfish thought since I know everyone must leave this world and I know she is more than capable of dealing with it as when I lost my dad, she lost her husband. But yet I still find this urge to shield her from this sadness.Ā
And then that brings me to my next thought, how I could possibly deal with the loss of my grandparents? In a way, itās a loss of our last deeply rooted connection to Pakistan. Because no matter how āgreatā cousins are, no one will ever hold the same link as parents.
Right now all I pray is that my mom and her siblings are able to see their parents one last time before time has ran out.Ā
I think I have more thoughts and fears to explore but as I write this, the tears Iāve been holding in all day are finally starting to pour out. In a sense itās good to let it out, but in another regard itās hard to know what to do with these emotions.Ā
AdditionalĀ Note: A bit after I wrote this my mom came into my room and we starting talking; about the situation and today. I feel so so much better (even though there isnāt really a resolution). Not sure how she can do that, but I am beyond blessed.
amandla
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
germansingergirl