This is too important to let slide
I’m trying to be a good parent. The responsibility of raising a next generation White Afrikaans Male weighs very heavy on my weak shoulders. My baby boy needs to be loved, and cherished, and respected, so that he can go out into the world and love, cherish, respect the people he comes into contact with.
And the most important thing in this journey is the ability to regulate myself.
Because he is a darling little boy, and yet I get so fucking angry with him. Just brush your teeth, why is this a fucking struggle, we all have to do it just stop yelling and let me brush your teeth!
But when I was able to pause, I realised he just wants to do it himself. He is learning about the world, about his abilities, and he is crying because he needs the opportunity.
Posts like this one inundate my web browser, overwhelming me:
http://habyts.com/creating-habit-mindfulness-angry/
The meditation practise that was such a big part of my life, that has now been relegated to one single 20 minute session once a week, is too important. I have to pick it up again.
My strategies for doing so has failed. I am so tired. I just want to curl up at night, cry a bit, read my book. My marriage is falling apart. My career is suffering.
Finding just three minutes a day? It seems impossible.
And yet, here I am, spending more than three minutes to rant about not finding three minutes.
Deep down, I’m scared shitless about what it is I will lose. What if I dissolve into one of those push-over mommies whose kids just walk all over them? What if I dissolve into a push-over wife? A push-over employee? This is ego-clinging. What if I dissolve? What if I lose?
I want to meditate again but I don’t actually want to, because if I did I would. I watch one more episode of TV, page through one more magazine, play one more cellphone game.
Three minutes? Can I start there?
