Dootles

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A long time ago I was engaged to a dude that thought America would never fall to despotism, wonder what he thinks today?

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Can you do this

Can you do this

You ask

Can I do what

When I cried alone

In school bathrooms

Because being shy is painful

And those butchered haircuts

Didn’t help and the bones

Sticking out from my neck

Made people accuse me of starving

Myself you didn’t as then

Can you do this

Do what

When I had questions

About sex and life

And how things change

And how they stay the same

What I should do with my future

You didn’t care then

Can I do this

When I lost part of myself

And I drowned in liquid sorrows

And strangers hollow words

You didn’t even notice

Can I do this

Can I do what

When I told you I’d be a mother

And it almost cost me my life

And the life I carried

When I went under the knife

And went through heaven and hell

To give him a chance

You only cared what others think

Can I do this

Can I do what

When I got so sick

I left my body and stood behind you

In the hospital I watched you watch me

Why didn’t you cry

I still don’t understand why weren’t you crying

Did the alcohol dry you tears

But you cry at shitty movies

I was dying, but you just stood there

I still wonder if you hoped it was the end

Can I do this

Can I do what

Sit here while you do

What you don’t want to do

While you try to

Avoid your responsibilities

I can do almost anything

Except I still can’t forgive you

Can you do this

There’s no alcohol there

Really, can you do this?

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Butterfly Effect

I stood outside my school bus once

It was really cold and my mom had

Rushed me to get dressed and out the door

She hated to be late

She didn’t check to see if I had my jacket

And I was only around five

And it probably wasn’t yet my responsibility to

Make sure my little arms were covered

On the way out the door

I remember standing there shivering

Wondering if forgetting my jean jacket that day

Would ripple through time and affect my life

Some how in the future

She drank every night

Every single night

Starting at around seven

Or whenever the sunset

She drank until she transformed into a nice person

Or a creepy person

Or something in between

She never helped us with our homework

She never read to us

Or tucked us in

She never got up at night when we had nightmares

We had a cat

It was spayed as a kitten

And they sewed her up wrong

She was probably in horrible pain

But she was extremely mean and vicious

We lived for over a decade with this cat

That took pleasure in tearing our heels to shreds

That hissed if we came near

That believed she owned the entire house

And we all walked on eggshells

My mother liked her

She was kinder to her than any of us

We were all of us desperate for her love

She still drinks

Every night, every single night

She watches corny romance movies

And mocks my dads every romantic gesture

She cries when mothers and children

Have feel good moments

But treats all of us like she wishes

We’d never been born

Her sighs sound like hisses

And we all walk arou her on eggshells

She talks to the TV with her glass in hand

Whispering to herself whatever made up

Injustices and injuries we’ve done today

And I realize, sometimes, I’m still

That little girl whose hungover mother

Couldn’t be bothered putting a jacket on her

Sure the butterfly effect is real

There’s a pair of lovely wings laying

Outside the school bus of time at the feet

Of a desperate little girl

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Becoming

This tiny red thing

Was laid in my terrified hands

We both looked at each other

The long fragile head frightened me

The bulbous eyes covered in Vaseline

Tiny little fingers that reminded

Me of tree frogs feet

You were me and I was you

For eight months and now

You were you and I was

A foreign word I still couldn’t adapt to

And you were my son

I was a mom and you were my son

And your tiny eyes stared up at me

Your precious fingers grasped mine

And you blew bubbles at me

And I would never

Let anything hurt you if I could

I’d slay dragons for you

Or just stay up all night

rocking you while you cried

Protect you from

Monsters real and dreamt

Love you until the sun

Became a dark husk

And shone no longer -MKL

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Reckless

On the wind she floated far away

Glittering, reckless

On a dream, through nightmares

So high she shone

Like a wisp too big,

A giant so small

Even the stars couldn't contain her

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Legends

They once were legends

Their names brought down

Brandied and spat out

Sour wine like vinegar

Now people turn their backs

And snicker and whisper

Not to be seen with such poison

The slightest touch could bring a giant down

They once were legend

They wielded power

Like kings

Like Midas they said

If I touch you you’ll turn to gold

But it tarnished fast

A brass replica made to look shiny

And tempting and bright

Once the apple was consumed

The masks came off

And the fools gold flaked off

Like so much glitter in a cruel dream

They once were kings

Silence helped them reign

Fear Kept their throne

Money and power kept their strangle hold

Until the legend became their own undoing

They once were legend

Now they are nothing but loneliness

Wafting in the wind.

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Calm

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Wild Beasts

Crashing like wild amazing beasts

We stumble on the freedom

The madness lifts us and carries us

Through the pounding drumbeat of youth

Smoke filled rooms and Breathless nights

Dancing to a thrumming hum

A melody that only we can hear

The good die young and the savage

Live fast and hard

And the melody fills the air

Reaching with long taloned claws

For that precious, glorious vibrant life

Until the silence wakes us one day

And the melody has

Been gone so

Long we can’t recall

But the faintest

Whisper, a scent a taste

Of the wildness we once were

And we look at them

Tell them to beware

There are wolves with sharp teeth

But oh how jealous we are

How we long for one night

To dance free under cloudy skies

Smoke wafting from a fire or a drug

Passed by and through

So drunk we fall on each other and

Forget our parents rules

Just one more night to dance

By the smoldering and be

The wild beasts we once were

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