This is the only site that my boyfriend doesn't follow me on so I guess I can be honest here. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough to be with him and that I come with too much emotional baggage. I am constantly complaining about this or the other, whether it be about school, work, friends, and maybe even him sometimes. I also feel like I'm still not experienced enough for him even though he keeps assuring me that I'm more than enough for him. Whenever he reassures me through ways like that it does make me feel better about myself but the thought always seems to come back to me at some point or another. I sometimes get this feeling of.. idk, like resentment (if that's the best word to use?) towards him. I think that's because he moved away for a year without discussing much with me, which is fine because we were only dating for a couple of months, but I'm not gonna lie, it had really bummed me out and it still does to this day. He's my first boyfriend and ~basically~ the only guy I've been with in a sexual way. So when he left I felt like I was being deprived of having my boyfriend with me after just coming out of the closet to my family, not having him physically here for emotional support during my last year of school, and just the lack of sex that came from him moving. I sometimes think to myself, when I'm being selfish and ignorant, that "you know what, if he didn't care enough to stay here with you then I'm sure he wouldn't care if you guys just broke up and then I could have a hoe phase just like every other normal gay guy that I know." But after I have those thoughts I begin to feel like the shittiest person in the world. Bc even though he's not here with me as much as I'd like (physically), he is there for me in many other ways (emotionally, mentally, spiritually). He always tries to make sure I'm doing okay, actually better than okay, by asking me if I need help with any of my school stuff, needing to talk on the phone just so I can hear his voice for a bit, and sending me nudes when I ask for them bc I need some motivation when im stressed haha. So basically all I gotta say is that I really love this man with all my heart and I hope he feels the same about me. I told him about how some of my friends think I deserve better than him and he told me that "that just means I need to work harder so they don't think that" and that really made me feel good/bad. Good because I'm able to be honest and open with him and take constructive criticism and build on it. Bad because I knew it upset him and I didn't want to hurt his feelings and I think he thinks about it more than he should. I told him that if I thought I deserved better, that I'd already be gone but I'm still here with him. And my friends only think I deserve better bc I usually complain to them whenever there's a negative thing going on in the relationship and rarely tell them about all the positive things bc my human nature is just thinking "express your thoughts when things are wrong but I guess keep them hidden when things are going good." Anyways, I should stop. But before I leave, matthew, if you happen to see this by some random chance just know that I'm sorry I've never told you some of this stuff and that I love you more than you know and I can't wait for you to move back home soon. You're more than just a boyfriend to me, you're also my best friend š
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