🔫 Carl felt it to be true. Every conversation - it counted. It made people think, and thoughts changed people’s minds. People’s opinions were altered when they discussed things. Carl always wanted to hear things from the adults - to grow from their words. Even at such a young age, he had always wanted to be part of things. He felt he needed to be, and after losing Lori, he wasn’t about to give his father the option to let him anymore. It just… had to be done. It took a while, but Rick had finally understand and Carl felt… so much better being treated the way he was now.
“When?” It had happened so many times. When was the first time…? The first drastic change had to have happened when their camp was first attacked. When he had seen firsthand why everyone had been running from the city. Why people were so terrified. But… even then, he hadn’t taken up a gun. It wasn’t until they’d reached the farm, and part of him kept wondering if he should have tried to start sooner. Maybe it wouldn’t have saved Lori, or maybe it would have. He just… would never know. That stung. The things he would never know always stung.
He was weak before all this. That much he remembered. It had been why he had chosen to step up. Seeing that his father had survived was… so much motivation. “I think I do. After you go through so much, it’s… hard to remember. I don’t know what I’d even thinking anymore.” Killing walkers had gotten so easy. So… simple. Nowadays people were definitely still terrified of them, but Carl? The others? They just kind of… went through the motions and called it a day. He wasn’t proud of it, but it damn well kept him and others alive.
But Gendry was right. All of this was unbearable. Every single day of their lives. Every single loss they suffered. Life just… carried on. “We just have to bear being alive at this point. If I can help other people bear all this, I want to. It sucks, but… any of us could be ripped apart any day. But… we can’t just live - exist - never thinking about anything else and always being afraid. Everyone will be afraid. That doesn’t mean we have to… just stop living. I’m not just fighting to survive. I can’t even remember when it started, but… I wanna fight now to make sure my dad can still be at least a little of what he used to be. To remind him… not everything’s gone.”
Gendry nodded slowly, pressing his lips together tightly. “That’s a good way to put it. Being alive at this point is.... It’s surviving, not really living. But it’s all we’ve got.” Yet somehow it felt like a chore, like just going through the motions. Killing walkers was second nature at this point. Gendry remembered with Arry Arya had just about kept him alive during the start. He hadn’t known how to do anything, except maybe run. And even that wasn’t done particularly well.
“But you’re right. We can’t just survive. We have to make sure we’re still living, at least a little.” But it was easier said than done. Gendry felt like he ran off of mechanics so often of the time now a days.
He glanced over at Carl then, eyeing the boy beside him. He was young, though not much younger than Gendry really, but he’d been through hell. And he seemed more like an adult than most adults Gendry had known before hand. “You’re good at that. From what I’ve seen. Your dad won’t forget. Not while he has you.”
