lamb to the slaughter

rp & fandom based writing account by deity ( 28. he/it/they ) 19+ to write w/ me. primarily writes on discord.

[buriedinleather]

tbh i am exhausted & haven't been enjoying my time here at all. i was really hoping that the rpc had changed on here in some way & i am really sad that it has come to this ( & so soon! ) but i think i just... won't rp anymore.

i don't have the capacity to keep up w the dash on who is doing whatever vile thing &, honestly, have spent more time being exhausted / frustrated than actually having fun. i am in in out of the hospital frequently. i am trying to work and go to school full time while my body is literally falling apart.

i don't want to spend my free time feeling upset & miserable because i am too dissociative and disabled to see the forest through the trees here.

i was hoping rp would do what it used to & give me some sort of sense of community on here, but there is no community for disabled rpers w/ memory issues or needing accommodations. and that's fine. no one is obligated, but i can still be fuckin' sad about it.

if you want to continue writing together on discord, feel free to reach out. there were a lot of folks i genuinely was excited to write with.

i don't typically let how drained i am emotionally & physically get the better of me, but you know. it feels like all this place did is push me further into my health tanking further.

so long, be well. i will be deleting this blog after i have the time to at least salvage my hcs.

[buriedinleather]

mm i will likely be remaking & just having some very select muses. i wouldn't mind rping on here selectively.

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oml rpers have the weirdest fucking behavior like. christsake.

anyways! i'm gonna actually pull some of the writing i enjoyed now that i remembered my login again.

true freak behavior sending really gross anons to someone that's inactive. glad that person got his accts deleted. sorrows. prayers. seek psychiatric support.

[buriedinleather]

I AM. still thinkin bout comin' back. hm.

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hm. kinda miss rping.

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i've started moving threads over to disco but a part of me really wishes i could have found community here again :/

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I haven't had the time or energy to archive stuff bc new job + physical therapy is taking every last bit of my spoons. If you still wanna chat dm me! This acct will sit until I have the time to move on from it.

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like this post & I'll consider it consent to send you my disco so we can continue stuff! I'm moving fully to just private rp and being incredibly selective bc... Nah. The vibes here are rancid.

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this is the last i will post but if anyone feels like i am exaggerating how bad my health was? i almost died a couple times in early 22. i am doing better in the sense that i don't spend every week in and out of the er, but overall shit is still touch & go.

i wish y'all the best & if folks have felt alienated, that really sucks & i am sorry about that - but if ppl don't talk to me? i do not know what's going on! i barely am on here & it's not fun if i need to spend the couple hours i can scrounge together a week for free time playing detective. by the time i do that, i barely have any time to write which is, like, supposed to be the enjoyable part.

again, i will be deleting my shit once i have the time to save my hcs.

i am exhausted and totally depleted. this will get done after this weekend.

[buriedinleather]

My partner's birthday is this weekend & their friend is visiting, so from Friday - Sunday don't expect me to be very responsive outside of the occasional dm.

I will try to get to replies on Monday if I can find the spoons after days of socialization.

As a reminder, I also work now Tuesday - Thursday!

[buriedinleather]

anyways. i don't support folks that stalk, abuse, or are blatantly racist. i have no emotional bandwidth rn, but djaq has been nothing but kind & willing to talk things out w/ me. she's a lovely person & tbh if you can't be a fucking adult & block + move on that's a skill issue. this is coming from someone who is trans btw. y'all don't speak for me.

[buriedinleather]

some of y'all really choose cruelty over being decent.

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anyways, your president of bitchitude is working a job that it can physically do now, so that's what i'm doing tues - thurs for the time being. i will likely pick up shifts here 'n there too. my partner's b-day is the 30th & we're having a friend of theirs over fri-sun, so don't expect much activity at all here. or do. idk. you'll only hurt your own feelings lmao.

[buriedinleather]

💤 SLEEPING - do they fall asleep easily? what helps them sleep? (@ Price)

Price is the type to work for three days straight, hallucinate through it, and not complain once. Considering the fact that he's spent time in a gulag being tortured, he doesn't exactly get the best sleep unless he medicates - which, well, since he's working all the time doesn't happen often.

He's an incredibly light sleeper to a fault. If someone he's bunked with coughs, he hears it. If someone he's bunked with gets up to piss, he knows what's going on. Has it saved his own life and others frequently? Yes.

But any time he's on shore leave to his own devices it's an issue. The buzz of electronics and the overall silence drives him up a wall. He knows damn well he's autistic, but any sort of sensory device to help with the overstim would also impair his hearing and therefore make him feel even more unsafe.

Price falls asleep easily only when he's in the company of those he trusts - the 141 - you might catch him sleeping during flights to drops, or at least dozing. He's fallen asleep against Gaz and Ghost a number of times. What helps most is having someone next to him he trusts, so long as he doesn't get anxious about losing said person if he falls asleep...

As you can see it's a vicious cycle and this man's cPTSD is a lot to deal with.

[buriedinleather]

I am. Still not really feeling having to deal w/ the frustration of formatting responses w/ o the reblog trimmer so. I dunno what to do here. I hope more folks start using it soon :')

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threads owed!

Very frustrated because I'm having a hard time finding the threads I owe. I know I owe @shcnshi @tigerop @reliicsoul @whorrcr @pseudolife & I think @livingecho?

Usually I just scroll through activity feed but it's so convoluted now, bleh.

If I am missing folks, give me a holler. I am Struggling to keep it together rn.

[buriedinleather]

💢 ANGER - what are some habits they have that will take some getting used to? (@ König)

[ content warning : reference to child abuse, reference to medical gaslighting, reference to child neglect ]

König tries his best to mask and that includes his emotional outbursts, but when he is caught in meltdown anger often goes hand in hand. When he is overstimulated, having a panic attack, or an outright PTSD episode his predominant symptoms often present as irritability or outright anger right alongside the fear/anxiousness.

As a small child, König would often take that anger out on others. A good example is being overstimulated and a child touching him without asking, so he hits them and yells as a response. Much of this behavior was modeled in his childhood home, so he was often confused about why he was in trouble when this was acceptable behavior inside of his household. ( For adults, anyways. )

Being undiagnosed, König was often labeled as defiant, flighty, and even lazy despite his monumental effort to 'be normal'. Not receiving any sort of occupational or talk therapy until his mid-teens, set him back immensely. Though he did receive basic anger management therapy from school as a small child, it did little more than teach him how to mask his symptoms.

Now, as an adult, his anger often manifests as self-hatred or outright self-harm. König has a hard time telling the difference between meltdown or anger toward another ( justified or not ), so when he feels manipulated or hurt he often runs away. This can be quite anxiety-inducing for some folks.

König's initial gut instinct is to hide so people do not have to see him be angry or have meltdowns or panic attacks. He will hit himself, and verbally degrade himself, and it sometimes continues to the point where he seriously injures himself. For someone not well versed in cPTSD that's comorbid alongside autism and adhd, this could be a very confusing and distressing thing to witness. König is aware of this, of course, hence the hiding - though he's not always successful.

The irony of this is that he was so heavily medicated as a child, at points, that even his own strong emotions can be overstimulating for him. Can anger him. It's a horrible loop that he's only just now starting to learn to process in a healthy way - he was set up for absolute failure as a child.