KL

somewhere between Up All Night and All Too Well

[burnafterknowing]

Something about grief changes our love for other people & ourselves. It makes us fully live in more moments. For me, it made me a better person. My grief will always be a part of me, but there is comfort in knowing that a piece of them is ALWAYS with me. Even if that piece is a little sad, it’s always there.

[sunshineofyourlovee]

The boyband of my time was One Direction. They just have fun, they were just normal guys but terrible, terrible dancers.

[burnafterknowing]

I Just Can’t Talk To You

Your eyes have got me smiling like an idiot... every time I picture it, that look in your eye when you’re looking at me. It just makes me... Oh, why can’t you see what you’re doing to me?

No, I can’t talk about that, because if I do then everyone will know that it’s you. So, the real question is: Why can’t I talk to you?

It’s like every time I do, I sound kinda crazy... Or maybe it’s just me.

You ask me a question and all you get is one-word responses. 

I can’t talk to you.

When I leave all I want to do is see you again, so maybe then I can talk to you. But then I do.

It’s like my brain can’t think when I’m breathing in your scent, or am I even breathing at all? I don’t know, I can’t think when I’m next to you.

If you asked me my name, I’d probably faint. I know, I know what it is, but I just can’t talk to you.

When we’re in the same room, I can’t think of anything else. You’re the only person I want to talk to, the only one I actually want to see. But I find myself avoiding you because I just can’t talk to you.

Then you talk to me.

It’s awkward and weird. Neither one knows what to say. It’s like we’ve been playing this game of who’s going to talk to who and when you do, it surprises me. 

Not in a bad way, I mean I’ve always wanted you to. But I pictured it differently, like why now, why here, why even me?

But hey, maybe I can talk to you.

You’re just a person, just as scared as me. If I go up and say, “Hi” I won’t die, but my anxiety thinks I will. I want to talk to you, believe me, I do. It’s just...

What if I say the wrong thing? What if my breath stinks? What if I forget what I’m saying because I got lost in the beauty of your face? What if I sound stupid? What if I say what I’m actually thinking? What if you don’t like me? What if I don’t like you?

Well, I guess I’ll let it win. Fear, here I am, you can take over, again. Next time I see you, I’ll probably try again but he will win.

I’m sorry, but I just can’t talk to you. 

- Kalyn G

[burnafterknowing]

“Stay Standing”

It felt like a dream.

Not a good dream, or a bad dream. It felt like one of those real-feeling dreams that have no emotion attached to them. I wanted to wake up.  

I never said no. I never said stop. So, maybe it was my fault?

I wanted him. I wanted him to like me. I wanted him to love me. So, why didn’t I want this?

“If he does this, he will be happy with me.”

“If I let him do this, he will still like me.”

“If I let him do it this one time, he’ll want me forever.” 

“If I let him do this, he won’t hurt me.”

Every positive thought I had left my brain when he entered the room.

“No.”

He sat down beside me.

“I should leave. No, he would be upset if I left.”

“I should scream. No, he would get into too much trouble.”

He kissed me.

“I should tell him to stop. No, this will make him want me even more.”

His hand went in my shirt.

“I should say no. No, this will make him truly love me.”

My shirt came off.

“I don’t want this. I am not okay with this. No, this will make him love me.”

As the fight with myself waged in my mind, my body became subject to whatever he desired. He had my stand up and said with a chuckle, “Okay, now try to stay standing.” 

......

The events that followed are a blur and not something anyone should want to hear.

One image that is crystal clear about that night is my perfectly painted toenails.

I had painted them black just that morning in preparation for our date.    

I remember how red my feet looked, as I desperately tried to keep my balance.  

I remember how nothing else mattered than keeping my balance.                        

I remember not feeling anything except my bare feet on the cold tile floor.          

I remember that the only thought in my head was “Stay standing.” 

What felt like seconds happened to be 2 hours. When it was over, he didn’t even look at me. 

“Why is he not paying attention to me?”

“Did I do something wrong?”

Then he started to say something. “Here we go. He’s finally going to say he loves me.” I so blindly thought to myself. 

The words that he said next were earth-shattering. 

“I’m surprised you can stay standing up after that.” Then with a laugh, he said, “You can leave now.” 

So I left. Without a word or another thought, I grabbed my phone and car keys. By the time I got in my car, the reality had set in.                                    

I left feeling less than human. 

I left feeling like a piece of meat.

I left feeling worthless.

I left hating myself.

I wanted to hate him. I just couldn’t hate someone I didn’t even know. 

I hope he has found happiness.

I hope he has found a purpose for his life.

I hope he is thriving.

But, I hope he never thinks of me again.

Also, I hope he can always “Stay Standing.”