Burndog 2 : Electric Boogaloo

The life and times of the Indefatigable Dragon-Slayer...the most famous blogger in his living room.

[burndogturns-blog]

Merry Fucking Christmas

Merry Fucking Christmas ya jerks! Howdy Burnfans...long dumpster fire no see!  How’s it hanging?  Nice. Mine is hanging slighlty to the left....ever so slightly.  Long fucking year...so I figured I would make it slightly longer by writing a long-anticapted blog post. Here.

On the blog. The Bird and I are back in Australia.  Me working for a bank...her working (or not thanks to fucktard COVID) at the airport.  We bought an apartment to rent out (or not thanks to fucktard COVID) a house to live in and a shiny motor to drive about in...all very proggressive and fucking modern as a cock made of space dust.

Beyond our jobs and possessions (as if there can be more to life!) all is peaceful and un-cuntingly nice.  I work with mostly reasonable adults (and a couple of total and utter cocksticles) and no longer have to deal with the absolute worst humans in history (I’m talking to you YouYou and Rosie (New YouYou)). Korea was a cool ride though. I did 10 cool years being cool over there and it was cool.  My vocab has suffered since I got home.  I woke up this morning and realised that I never documented my final three years in Korea...so...starting in the new year...I shall bring you...Burndog...the High School Years.  This shall briefly document my final years in Korea (more or less) as a High School teacher.  There shall be highs....there shall be lows....there shall be....middles? Yeah. 

Fuck yeah. Until then...avoid COVID, wear a mask ya filthy animals, and stay away from other punters. Burndog...out.

[burndogturns-blog]

The 63 building, rising like a golden phallus next to the Han River (as seen from the window of a train).

[burndogturns-blog]

Larry Barry WINS!

Good Morning Burnfans! Exciting times here on Burndog Mountain...very exciting times!  i woke up this morning and noticed two things.  Thing number one...The Arsenal were fucking robbed!  Thing number two...Larry Barry has forced the Korea Times into “we’re so sorry” mode!  I’ll go over that article in full...but before I do...i should say that it’s totally unexpected...but at the same time...it was a perfect storm of Larry Barry, plagiarism and nutbaggary that did them in.

Anyways...let’s get to the letter from the editor...just to see what they’ve proposed... “ We want to explain to our readers three "incidents" regarding articles published on our editorial pages and share our thoughts about them.” It’s always nice to see an apology that starts by refusing to accept that these are really incidents...by calling them “incidents”.   “The three, in counter-chronological order, include a contributing article which an unidentified person submitted with the mug shot of a registered sex offender; a column with a touch of plagiarism; and a piece about East-West cultural differences. We don't identify them to prevent copycatting of the first case and to protect their privacy for the second and third cases.”

The incidents are highlighted here and it’s fascinating to see how they’ve catalogued them.  Larry Barry’s “contributing article” had a lot more to it than just a mug shot of a sex offender...the column with a “touch” of plagiarism is like someone being a little bit pregnant...and I have to admit that I didn’t see the East-West article because I don’t read the KT. They start by addressing Larry Barry.

“The bogus article was submitted to our paper's longest-running series of essays that are open with few restrictions to people of all walks of life. This triggered many inquiries and tips from readers, prompting us first to take the photo off our website and then the article after it was obvious beyond any doubt that it was a practical joke.”

The stunning admission here is that without “inquiries and tips from readers” this article, and the photo of the sex offender, may have never been noticed.  Ridiculous.  There are plenty of newspapers in the world that allow opinion pieces from members of the public...there are very few that have zero checks and balances about the actual author.  The fact that they clearly didn’t bother to do the most simple investigation into the original author (checking ID, running a reverse image search, using common sense on the content of the article) shows quite clearly how inept they were in this process.  It’s worth remembering that these people are journalists...the very people you would expect to be awake to these kinds of shenanigans.   “First, we concluded it was beyond an apology and is inexcusable so we intend to take this occasion as a bitter lesson. As a result, we will double our vetting process and, if necessary, consider resorting to law enforcement authorities if this kind of prank takes place again.”

They suggest that they will “double” the vetting process.  Double nothing is nothing.  The threat of legal action is amazing. I’m not sure what law they think Larry Barry broke.  Impersonating a sex offender?  Writing a joke?  If impersonating a journalist is a crime then they’d best lock the door to the newsroom!  Wa hey!   I’m going to skip a little bit here...because they just punch the clown for a while and throw their word cum up into the sky.

“About the article with parts plagiarized, the second case mentioned, we decided to maintain her columns because we found the parts in question were indeed taken from another person's work but it was a mistake. However, we respected her request to have it pulled off our website. We have made our decision, judging the author's integrity has been proven through the significant period during which she has written for us.” The fact that they consider a prank to be far less serious than plagiarism is amazing.  They actually decided to maintain the work because the plagiarism was a “mistake”?  How the fuck do you accidentally cut and paste the work of another person into your article?  How on Earth do the editors think that even after the plagiarism has been discovered, it’s up to the author to decide whether or not to keep the article on their site?  In the article in question, large sections were directly copied from another source.  It’s not an accident, and it’s not a mistake, and it’s not something that any august journal would do.  Plagiarism is a major problem, and something that we would expect a leading English language journal in Korea to attempt to steer clear of.  It’s shitful.

I’ll skip the rest...but...and this is brilliant...

“...The Korea Times' chief editorial writer. He can be reached at [email protected] and [email protected].”

The chief editorial writer’s email address is “foolsdie”.  Who the fuck is trolling who???? So...all in all...I’m willing to admit that I may have underestimated the impact of Larry Barry’s troll.  Maybe it’s because when DIDO did their troll, there was no r/Korea to dig into things, call the editor, ask questions and make the KT suspicious...BUT...Larry Barry wins.  His troll was better.  It may well make the KT change their entire approach to what they do and don’t publish.  So...Larry Barry...you’re the top of the shit pile that is trolling the KT. I salute you. Now, Burnfans, it’s time for a serious chat.  This week has been fun and all...but I’m back to my regular schedule next week, so i probably won’t have time to do this shit again.  It’s hard to say good-bye...but this is good-bye again.  Most of the people that I used to follow on Tumblr (and who used to follow me) have disappeared (with some very nice exceptions!) and most of the point of this ranty rage blog has disappeared as well.  I only popped up this week because I saw Larry Barry’s article and a Burnfan Jon D shared the blog and i thought we could have a lovely ranty week of blog/KT related chit chat....and we did (well four days...so there might be a post tomorrow just to hit the week). I might start a serious discussion blog somewhere else.  I might come back and rage again.  I might just share wanky photos.  I dunno. What I do know is that I’ve had a good time blogging.  There have been some stressful times and weird times.  Having people try to extract cash out of me for telling the truth...having people hate me...having people slander me...they’ve all been weird.  However, these have been far outweighed by the fun and laughter I’ve had when I’ve engaged in “Blog Wars” and fights with punters.  I’ve always enjoyed that side of being Burndog.   Anyways...if this is good-bye I just want to thank some people in no particular order. Dragons - Eve, David Thiessen, Consoleboy, Orangeman, that other fuckhead from waygook, Pissy Clissy No Co, YouYou, NewYouYou and all the rest...thanks.  Without you there would have been very little blog.  Especially without YouYou.  Loved her. Burnfans/Burnchums - Ary, John F, Jon D, Hubba, Jimi, Marty, SheWhoMustNotBeNamed, INP, Roboseyo, Seahorseteacher, Larry Barry, Pissy Clissy No Co, and all of the rest.  The Burnfans make if Burnfun.  I’ll probably end up here again tomorrow just because I can always imagine how much you cunts enjoy it when I write something stupid.  This list has some of the first Burnfans (INP, Jimi, Hubba) and the last identified Burnfan (Larry Barry)...but you’re all Burnfans...and loyal Burnfans at that.

Until next time, it’s been a fucking blast.

Your chum Burndog.

[burndogturns-blog]

General Im.

[burndogturns-blog]

Larry Barry Speaks!

Alright Burnfans!   It’s Wednesday!  Yeah...that’s right.  Wednesfuckingday!  It’s a lovely old day...school lunch is 80% more edible...I only have one class to teach...the sun is shining but the heat has gone out of it...and it’s SheWhoMustNotBeNamed’s Birthday Week!!!  This means a full week of jolly celebrations...and who the fuck doesn’t like jolly celebrations?  Every cunt loves to have a wee spot of fun don’t they?

Today, I had promised you some other examples of the Korea Times being pranked...but I’ve adjusted the schedule.  Yeah.  That’s right.  Your virtual daddy (Pappa Burndog) is breaking promise just like your real daddy did...don’t cry though...Pappa Burndog still loves you.  Today I’m going to reply to some stuff that was said to me yesterday over on Reddit by our old chum Larry Barry McCook (the fella who had the old “satire” blog and then wrote a prank article on the old Korea Times).  See...Burndog likes the odd Reddit.  Whether it’s the nerds over at r/Korea, your attention whores on r/RoastMe, or the loopy conspiracy nuts over on r/serialpodcast...I love a wee bit of redditing.  It’s all true!  That’s probably why I stopped blogging for so long...why blog when you can say that a fella looks like Bieber and Hitler had a baby?  So...long story short, LBMcM hosted an AMA over on reddit, and trepid reporter that your boy is, I had to go over and see what the lad had to say.   Now...it turns out...not surprisingly as I’m sure the cunt has two eyes, two ears and a heart...but he’s a Burnfan.  This changes everything.  From this point forward I’m going to be kind to LBMcM and afford him the free pass in life that all Burnfans deserve.  Anyway...here’s what he said (and my replies)... ” Also, hi burndog! I am a fan, you called me on what I wrote and I hope you continue to call out others. I really do still think the city could use 24 hour subway's though.”  

Not a bad start to be fair.  The world abounds in Burnfans of every shape and size so I’m not stunned to hear that you’re a fan.  if you were a TRUE fan you would have written “I am a loyal Burnfan”...but it’s close enough that I shan’t split butt hairs with you.  It’s true that I called you out...and I call others out...why?  Because I’m the hero the internet needs..not the hero it wants.  To be fair, I had a go at you because it was there to be had.  You put yourself out on front street with the article, so i figured I’d go back and get your last blog post, roast the fuck out of that like it was real, and then use the article the next day to make the point that shit’s not always what it seems.  However, because the article got pulled and I don’t have it cached...I ended up having to change day two into a bit more of a look at Dokdo Is Ours’ historical punk work.  “ I disagreed with your latest post today though.”

Size of the bollocks on this cunt!  Fucking hell!  From super fan to disagreement in one fell swoop!  Fucker!!!!!!!!!!!!

“"It shows a large amount of faith in the Korea Times’ editorial team and their ability to do their jobs. This seems misguided." -> No, I did this because of a lack of faith in them doing their jobs.

"It also, and this is the cute part, appears that LBMcC thinks that he is the first person to fire off any old bullshit to the KT and have it published!" -> I had the idea to do this because of the amount of garbage articles being printed, not because I thought I'd be the first to pull this off.”

Your leap of faith was that thanks to your prank the editorial team at the KT would “think twice the next time they got an anonymously submitted article too good to be true.”  Thinking that somehow being trolled/pranked/tricked/pwnd might make them do their jobs properly is adorable.  The reason why I suggested that you thought you might be in pole position is because you thought that your article would be a lesson for them.  if it wasn’t first, wouldn’t they have been schooled by the earlier examples?  Or did you think that yours was so much better than the other attempts that it might open their eyes? “"This is a crucial part of the entire trolling experience. You need to tell the story and you need to screenshot and share that shit so that people know it was done…and done well. Otherwise…it all gets lost and fuckers forget/don’t give a fuck. With no screen shots of Larry Barry’s work, I won’t remember it in a month…or two months." -> I'm not so impressed by the Vanilla Ice/Dokdo is Ours prank. What was the purpoise, other than mushroom stamping a page of the Times website? Also, any manner of screenshotting it and putting it on a blog would give it away just as quickly. I think my article was taken down mainly because of the illigitimate picture, and then followed closely by the spreading outrage of the pice.Note that the URL still exists (http://koreatimes.co.kr/www/news/opinon/2015/09/137_186584.html) and you can still see all the comments, just like how the Kim Jong-un sexiest man alive article still kind of exists (http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/news/nation/2012/11/511_125019.html). Plus I had another publication write about me (http://www.10mag.com/sex-offender-photo-used-in-korea-times-opinion/#).”

Well...let me just say that what makes the Dokdo Is Ours (DIO) example worthy of not is that it was 6 years ago...which makes it a bit of a trend setter in regards to trolling the KT.  What was the point of their troll?  Probably the same as everyone who trolls the KT.  They wanted to prove that the KT will publish any old shit.  Let’s not forget however that DIO is a cunt.  Do you see my glorious name on his blog roll?  No?  Me either.  What the fuck is with that?  Nobody in Korea is more staunch in their support of Korea’s claim to Dokdo than your old pal The Indefatigable Dragon Slayer.  Nobody.  There are cunts who live on Dokdo who give less fucks than I do.  Now...I will temper my outrage a little because I know the person who writes DIO personally and consider him a friend...so I will just post this final request to the long defunct DIO...add Burndog on your blog roll or feel the hurt that comes from the Burnfan army suddenly championing the Japanese bid for the ocean stones we call Dokdo! Sorry...yeah....ummmm...you fucked up with the photo.  It was a comedic bridge too far.  Undermined the whole game.  Yes 10 Mag mentioned you...but they probably have even less readers than The Korea Observer or this piece of shit blog.  The fact that i mentioned you is the big story.  Never forget that.  

"All it took was a poorly written attempt at satire of a blog, and a short lived troll of the Korea Times. I enjoyed the long game. I enjoyed the trolling with the article…it was a nice try. The trouble with it was that it was way too obvious so it got pulled quicker than a pudding in a handjob orgy. Shit needs to be subtle. Toned down. You want it so that they know…but they don’t know." -> I wasn't in this to fool people for long, and I don't consider my article to be satire, it was parody, specifically of an uglier side of a lot of foreigners who live in Korea. The content of the article was irrelevant for my end goal, penetration testing the KT editorial section. The goal was to have the most ridiculous thing published, not the wittiest or most biting satire. I don't want them to have crap content online, and if this makes it harder for future trolls/pranksters/just plain incompetent people to get published, I'll be surprisedly extatic.

I always thought that parody was one of the many tools of satire rather than being something separate and alone.  But that’s me splitting cock hairs and calling the spaghetti isn’t it?  I think the article was a much better parody piece than the blog.  I liked the article.  it was just subtle enough that people were arguing against you even after the photo had been shown to be a sex offender.  That was quality.  It was ridiculous...but it was no more or less ridiculous than a LOT of the other shit that the KT publishes on that page on a daily basis.  Shit...go back to 2011 and have a look at David Thiessen have a “Conversation With A Friend” which is clearly just him talking to himself.  It’s pure comedy gold...and...here’s the kicker...it wasn’t a prank or trolling...it’s real.  He wrote that without any comedic intent.  So...if they publish “legitimate” shit like that...then there’s nothing that they wont publish.  This will not change their editorial guidelines.  Like you said...they published an article by The Onion as though it was news...yet they still have fake articles up there weekly.  They’re too greedy/lazy/hungry for hits to ever change. “"not only did they pull it off with little fan fair" + "if you ever crawl out from under the Lioncourt Rocks" -> Are you trying to copy my imperfect mastery of English?”

This is a quick bus ride to Lol Town from a fella who wrote “suprisedly extatic”  at the tail end of the preceding sentence.  Also “illigitimate”.  Look...I have the nearest grasp on the English language.  i’m an ape.  A moron.  A buffoon. If you’re really a Burnfan then you’d be well aware of my lack of wordcraft.  I can’t even spell wordcraft.  Having a crack at me for hastily typing “fan fair” instead of fanfare and whatever the fuck you think is wrong with the second sentence is weak piss and I shan’t drink it!  Not even a  drop! So ends my chat with Larry Barry...a man with the least attended AMA in Reddit history.   Tomorrow...I shall share some of the shit I was gonna share today...unless Laz Baz comes back again...then I might write to him.  Who knows hey?  The fun never stops in this crazy town!

[burndogturns-blog]

Autumnal Namsan looking toward the Han.

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More trolling?

Morning Burnfans! How’s tricks?  Tricky?  Sticky?  Other things that end with icky?  That’s grand.  First off...because I love you all, I’m going to start by chatting about normal life.  SheWhoMustNotBeNamed and I have been watching a lovely English television program called Humans.  It’s pretty good...a little cringe worthy at times, but all in all...worth the 8 episode sit through.  We starting watching it together on the bus from TongYeong back up to Seoul on Sunday...and we’ve binged the whole thing.  This is most unlike SWMNBN.  So i take that as a measure of quality.   Today...I’m going to talk to you some more about trolling...and trolling the Korea Times in particular.  Larry Barry McCook has allegedly had an AMA (Ask Me Anything) over on Reddit Korea (with very few fucks given) where he had this to say - 

“ My intended target was the Times editorial section, which might think twice the next time they get an anonymously submitted editorial that's too awful to be true.”

This is adorable.  It shows a large amount of faith in the Korea Times’ editorial team and their ability to do their jobs.  This seems misguided.  It also, and this is the cute part, appears that LBMcC thinks that he is the first person to fire off any old bullshit to the KT and have it published!  No fucking chance!  Today, I’m going to give you one example of trolling the KT that dates back well before LBMcC was trolling in anything other than the basement of his parent’s house, and it’s from a legitimate Korean expat satire blog (that is sadly defunct)...Dokdo Is Ours.

Dokdo Is Ours is a blog that I have long considered a blog war with.  Why?  Because they won’t put me in their sidebar.  This infuriates the Dragon Slayer almost as much as those fucktards who don’t update my blog address in their links every time I change which blog I use on a whim.  What’s their problem?  They think they’re better than the indefatigable dragon slayer and most famous blogger in Korea...Burndog?  Interesting.  I wager that it’s one of those mafia style things...I’ve been busy in other lines of work, so those punks think that they can run waste management in my neighbourhoods?  Fuggetaboutit!  No fucking chance!  Oh!  So...Dokdo Is Ours...if you ever crawl out from under the Lioncourt Rocks that you call Ours...then you’d best add your boy here to the fucking blog roll.  Thanks.

Sorry.  i digress.   Anyways...Dokdo Is Ours trolled the Korea Times back in 2009 by writing a piece (that was heavily edited by the Korea Times) and including as the author this photograph - 

For those of you younger than the hep cats who write Dokdo Is Ours...that fella is Vanilla Ice.  The piece itself was a (deliberately) poorly written whinge piece about how difficult it was to teach English in Korea and how the author went home with his tail between his legs.  in short...it worked because not only did they pull it off with little fan fair, but they also screen dumped it and made it available so that punters could appreciate the majesty of their work.  This meas that even all of these many years later we can still look upon the trolling with shock and awe.

See?  This is a crucial part of the entire trolling experience.  You need to tell the story and you need to screenshot and share that shit so that people know it was done...and done well.  Otherwise...it all gets lost and fuckers forget/don’t give a fuck.  With no screen shots of Larry Barry’s work, I won’t remember it in a month...or two months.  With Dokdo Is Ours, I remember it a full six years later...and can screenshot it.   So...Larry Barry...you’re clearly a bit of a fame whore...and I like that.  Cunts like you make my life better and my blogging easier.  I ken that when you started your blog you imagined...nay dreamed...that one day you’d be mixing it with the big boys...and here you are.  Burndog has wasted air uttering your name.  So...congratulations.  All it took was a poorly written attempt at satire of a blog, and a short lived troll of the Korea Times.  I enjoyed the long game.  I enjoyed the trolling with the article...it was a nice try.  The trouble with it was that it was way too obvious so it got pulled quicker than a pudding in a handjob orgy.  Shit needs to be subtle.  Toned down.  You want it so that they know...but they don’t know.  They wonder...maybe?   Tomorrow I shall give you an example of a long term KT troller who has the KT editors, readers and society scratching their collective heads.   Until then...Burndog wants you be happy.

[burndogturns-blog]

Gyeongbokgung at night...lovely.

[burndogturns-blog]

Pitchforks ahoy!!!!!

Good morning Burnchums! How are you diddling?  Everything good?  Happy times?  That’s nice.  Me?  I’m fucking tired.  No shit.  I’m happy though.  Nice weekend.  I went away with the in-laws.  Eleven of us in all.  Eight grown-ups, two babies and one foreigner.  A jolly mix and an enjoyable weekend.  Enjoyable fishing, some great bbq and the obligatory drinking made for a very sick and tired Burndog on Sunday.  Nothing worse than a hangover and a boat trip.  Every time i have a ferry trip i seem to be viciously hungover.  Still...i survived...and now it’s Monday and I’m at school and everything is back to its usual technicolour version of fucking brilliant.   You may remember on Friday I embedded you, my loyal Burnfans, into the media team on one of the most vicious blog wars imaginable.  Hashtag...no prisoners.  No shit.  It was war.  Anyway...on Friday...the same day as the war...the bloke who wrote that blog suddenly became a big story again.  One year after the first blog post.  The reason why?  He’d written an article under the same name (Larry Barry McCook) in the Korea Times.  The article was a treatise on why nobody on the subway wants to sit next to him.   Accompanying the article (which has since been deleted by the KT) was this photograph which was allegedly the author.  So...clearly the article was “satirical”.  Here’s the deal with this shit.  Firstly, I do respect that he trolled the KT.  The Korea Times is the worst thing in the world.  Seriously.  It’s fucked up.  Secondly, I also respect the long game involved.  Fucker hasn’t updated his blog in a year, and now he plays this move on the KT?  I always like a long game like that.  Thirdly, if the blog was better written (his...not mine) then it would be clear that it’s “satire and not just shit.  Satire at its best is brilliant, potentially plausible, but at the same time off enough that you can taste the satirical gold.  The Onion gets it right more often than not.  So...the news article prompted many punters to pull out their pitch forks and hunt the monster down.  People were raging.  Yet, with no greater context than the article itself, one could assume that not all was well.  This also applies to the post that I wrote on Friday.  The shit that I quoted from the original post were clearly unreal, and I feel like most people would have known that had they calmed down long enough to read it without the rage.  This, however, is the curse of the internet.   We rage like fuck and then apologise later.  Perhaps it’s time that we get our shit together and either rage a little slower, or cunts learn how to satire.  Satire’s tough.  If you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing, you need a pitchfork up your arse.

[burndogturns-blog]

I’ve always loved this building.

[burndogturns-blog]

Blog War...ish.

Burnchums!  Load up your plastic arseholes and get ready for the shit to hit the fan!  I'm declaring a blog war (of sorts)!  Yes!  You heard me right!  The only trouble is, the cunt that has annoyed me has a defunct blog...so I'm kind of declaring war on a corpse.  Slim pickings for the old Dragon Slayer these days...but you've got to start somewhere.

Anyways...I'm not furnishing you with the name of the blog...because I shall not give hits to wankers and fucktards.  No sir.  The blog however is total shit.  Seriously.  My blog is a polished turd with a piece of shit hat on top.  It's the most vile, ill-informed, semi erect nonsense on the interwebs.  I know that...or shoul I say I KNEW that?  Because this douche is kicking my shit up a level.  Anyways...the post that shat me is titled "10 Ways To Fix Everything Wrong With Korean Culture" and it's the rant of your typical "I moved here a year and a half ago to teach in a hagwon and I HAAAATE it here. Boo fucking hoo" fucktard.

Let's get into it.

10. Get rid of street food Seriously, Im from America, I don't want to eat my food from a truck. That shit makes you're country look nasty and third worldy

Yeah!  America doesn't have food served from trucks.  Except that

it does

...a lot.  Seriously...what kind of fuckwit wants to get rid of street food?  Street food is brilliant, and helps to make Korea feel like Korea.  I will not eat bundaegi...I don't enjoy ttoppokki...but I have no problem with punters enjoying them.  Eating food from a truck is brilliant. 

9. Make better music Let's be honest, K-poop is awful. From lazy dance moves to  cheap production value's, you have a long row of identical attractive K's who should be on top of the world. My advice, start expanding your musical horizon's. What makes American pop music so great is we have everything, rock, country, rnb, rap, heavy metal, punk, and so on. Wouldn't it be crazy if there was K-heavy metal or K-punk? 

Yet another foreigner who lives here for a short time and doesn't realise that there is Korean music beyond k-pop.  Also..."American pop music" is not "rock, country, rnb, heavy metal etc"...it's pop music.  That's why it has its own name.  Seriously though, if I hear one more rant against K-Pop I'm going to hand out the cockpunches.  It's not for you.  It's not for me either.  Just Bieber is not for me.  There's a lot of shit in this world that is made for other people.  Let them have it.  Also, not every Korean is as into K-Pop as you might believe if you only teach small kids.  My high schoolers love all manner of music, from K-Pop and One Direction, through to Oasis and Slipknot.  Korea is more than your hagwon and the other moaning cunts in your local foreigner bar.

8. Stop trying to be white Beebee creams, eyelid sugary, you'll never be White. The best you can hope for is a high TOFAL score and a green card. 

They're not really trying to be white.  Also...white is not a proper noun.  Also...it's TOEFL.  You can't mock people trying to get a decent score on an English test when you're too much of an ignorant fucktard to be able to write down the name of the test.

7. Stop warshiping Confuscius So let me get this straight, K's warship this ancient Chinese philosopher whose teachings are mainly:-Old people are your masters-Women are inferiorIt's pretty obviously a pyromid scheme by old K's to get younger girls to sleep with them. 

You're an English teacher?  You can not spell for shit.  Seriously.  "Warshiping" hahahaha  "Pyromid" hahahahaha  Your spelling is just about on par with your knowledge of Confucius (whose name you can't spell) and Korea's relationship with Confucianism.

6. 24hr subway's

It's just subways...no need for the punctuation...but yeah...a 24 hour subway system would be nice.

5. Enforce the law From prostutution to traffic violations, lawbreakers are everywhere. Everyone say's K has way less crime than America, but that's probably only because the cops let them get away with it. Start filling more jail scells!

You're a fucking idiot.  You really want the jails full of prostitutes and people who drive badly?  What the fuck is a "jail scell"?  You should fill more brain scells.  Having over crowded prisons (like in America) is not the measure of decent society.  I do think that Korea could do with some extra health and safety, but I also fear the day that Korea becomes a fucking Nanny State like America or Australia.

6. Make soju more expensiveOne dollar for enough soju to make you forget your owwn name, in a country with rampent alcoholism and drunk adjushi's wandering the streets all night. Nope, can't see anything wrong with this!

I can only conclude that you're a light weight who can't handle his piss.  If one bottle of Soju makes you "forget your own name" then it wouldn't matter if it cost $100 a bottle.  How about you leave the drinking to the big boys and just shut the fuck up about making Soju more expensive?  Honestly.  Banning things or driving prices up with taxes is not always the answer pal.

4. Bring back dictator's Seriously, in order to bring about almost all fo these changes, K will need another military strongman, or woman, if Preisident Park Guen-hey ever steps up and rise's to her fathers legacy. K was great when it was ruled with an iron fist, and it became weak as soon as it turned into a democracy. The country need's someone to clamp down on all the leftist protestor's and drive progress forward. 

You can't spell her name, yet you think she's the answer?  Listen pal...during the rule of the dictators, Soju was cheap, the law was elastic, subways didn't run 24 hours, Confucius was hanging tough, and there was more street food than ever.  The K-Pop scene was admittedly a lot less obvious...but I doubt that you would have enjoyed the popular Korean music of that era.

3. End rascism I have never seen so much rascism anywhere else in the world! You can't even walk down the street without K's pointing and saying "waygook" (dirty foregin devil). The whole country need's to quit being so anti-American, we saved their ass in the K War, they would of been communist slaves right now without our help.

I'm happy  to report that "rascism" is over.  It never existed.  Because you can't spell.  I've lived here a lot longer than you, and have only had people point and say "waygook" on a handful of occasions.  

They were always children.  They always meant "foreigner" not "dirty foreign devil".  But then, I'm clean and know how to spell, so maybe they respect me more than you?  Who knows?  Also...you want them to thank you for saving them from being "communist slaves" yet you celebrate the era of American sponsored dictatorships that caused them to be "capitalist slaves".  So...fuck you.

2. Have a more liberal attitude about sexDo you know how hard it is to score in K? No "five dollah suckee-suckee here, like I was hoping. Looking at the music video's filled with sinkronized dancing prostitute's, youd of thought there would of been a lot more sluts here.K's need to start having more babies, 

So...we get to the core of the issue.  You couldn't get laid here.  Hence the anger.  Poor fucker.  Can't get no satisfaction here...or in America...or anywhere.  Sad times.  Also...you slam Korea for having prostitution yet you want them to have a more liberal attitude to sex.  Seems like you don't know what the fuck you want.

1.Wear deoderant! Seriously, your whole country stinks and so do you!

Never noticed this as a problem...so I wager it's the fox smelling his own scent.

It feels nice to be back and waging war...even if it is on a corpse.

Living in Korea is the same as living anywhere in the world.  Some shit is brilliant, and some shit is shit.  Thinking that you ca live anywhere for a year and a half and then make a shopping list for how to 'fix' that place, just shows you as an ignorant, semi-functional tool bag.

Until next time my Burnchum shaped super fans.

[burndogturns-blog]

Monday and life and the way things move and turn.

Howdy Burnfans! Long time no see!  It’s me...your old chum Burndog!  I’m back and here and chatting with you, my glorious Burnchums.  It’s been one hell of a ride...but here we are...at the end of this blog.  I think.  I feel like the journey we went on has finished.  We started at one point, overcame some shit...and now we’re done. Does this mean I won’t blog again? No.  I may well blog again tomorrow, but I feel like it will probably be a new blog in a new place. Does this mean that I won’t blog here again?  No.  I may well blog here again tomorrow.  

This has been one hell of a ride though.  We’ve had arguments, dragons, lawsuits, tears and all manner of madness. You may remember back in 2011 I wrote this piece when The Bird broke up with me.  They were dark times.  We were apart for a full 6 months...and now...4 years later...we are married. Yeah.  That’s right.  We got married a week ago.  So...I’m done for now.  I’m too happy to blog as Burndog here.  I’m just going to go and enjoy married life. Take care Burnfans...I’m sure I’ll see you down the long and lonely highway of cockpunches.

[burndogturns-blog]

Busy Burndog still loves you...

Do any of you cunts remember Burndog?  He was alright wasn’t he?  A top lad.  Swore too much...but generally sad the sort of things that we all wished we were brave enough to say...he took down dragons and dragged down put downs.  He was a one man fight machine.  Then shit got real...he fucked off back to another world...returned...and ran out of anger.  I don’t know why.  Seriously.  Anger is a beautiful thing. I miss the old fucker. I kid!  It’s me!  Burndog!  I tricked you poor simple fucks! How’s tricks?  I’m alright.  It’s my birthday tomorrow.  Wedding in two weeks.  Everything is exciting and full of wonder.  Except...well...it’s all a bit stressful really.  I have my Korean speech written...but when I try to read it I sound like a dyslexic four year old.  I don’t think that I’m going to have time to get my reading down any better than that.  Seriously.  It terrifies me.  I hate the idea of reading this speech like a fuckwit...but I can’t see how that’s going to change. I haven’t written an English language speech at all yet.  I find that stressful as well.  I mean...I’m a verbose cunt...I talk a lot.  I don’t want to make some cheesy love speech but at the same time...it’s a wedding...people expect a certain level of cheese.   Anyway...all bullshit aside...I’ve got to pull my finger out of my arse and get shit done. I love you all...and will take you on more dragon slaying adventures soon xox

[burndogturns-blog]

MERSder She Wrote

MERS...MERS...MERS...that’s all that my Facebook feed is these days.  People panicking about MERS.   Well...I say....PANIC!! Yes.  I remember the Bird Flu outbreak back in whenever that was.  They closed all of the schools.  The burned and buried the dead under the school soccer pitches and then, once they were sure that they all wouldn’t Walking Dead style, just get up and wander about, they let us all back in the schools.  There were less of us...but we’d become stronger and determined that it would never happen again. Then there was SARS.  SARS came and fucked us again.  Bodies piled high in the courtyards of the apartment complexes whilst the vultures circled overhead.  It was awful.  Columns of smoke rose, first in the east, but soon they spread to the west.  The recovery was slow, but thanks to hand sanitizers, we had a new weapon against any future foe. Oh...how I wish that was where it ended.  Our sanitizers worked for a while, but we grew lazy and forgot them.  We lived like fools...like...pigs!  Then, before we could buy the lime and shovels and dig fresh graves, the swine flu was upon us.  The barrow men wandered the empty streets, loading bodies and taking them to the fresh pits.  There was the stench of death in every corner.  It was grim, but somehow we knew that those of us who survived would be stronger for it.  I remember leaving a school of 700 students and returning to an empty building with a freshly dug soccer pitch. MERS is here. Please stay away from any camels.   Don’t lick the subway poles. Wash your balls. Or.... Run for your fucking lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You’ll thank me later.

[burndogturns-blog]

Console boy...a brief remembrance of my war with KS...

Howdy Burnchums! It’s Friday!  I’ve decided that from now on I’m going to start “Fucktard Fridays” where I walk don memory lane and remember a fucktard (or group of fucktards) that I had a crack at.  Today...it’s Korean Sentry and my old and delicious battle with their fearless leader. Happy times :-) “Recently, we have had a bit of a chat about the fucktards who post ranty, ignorant, moderately racist shit on forums like waygook.org and davescafe.com.  Well today I want to talk to you about a bunch of fucktards who make the ignorant cunts on Dave’s appear to be United Nations peace keepers on a mission to reconcile racial differences that bring disharmony and distress upon the world.  These fucktards…are the boys (and they are all boys…I’ve NEVER seen a woman post anything over there) over at Korean Sentry.  Now, this site is a “Korean History & Cultural forum run by Koreans.”  History and culture.  Now, my boy Flint has been rallying against these fucktards since before it was cool…and even I has had the odd go at them in the past.  Which begs the question, what do Flint and Burndog have against Korean history and culture?  Well…please allow me to simply quote some of the thread titles from their most popular forum “General Discussion and Gossips”

“Western men aka White Men”

“Korea’s plastic surgery myth”

“Mutant rabbit w/o ears born near Fukushima”

“So who’s top immigrants to Australia?”

Now…that’s just four…I can’t be bothered looking at the bread and ignoring the meat in the sandwich here.  Because…the thread titles are innocuous, clearly most of them have nothing to do with korean culture or history…but it’s what on the inside that makes these fucktards shine.

Now…a brief description is required.  Korean Sentry is a forum that is moderated by a fella who goes by the handle “Consoleman”.  Now…this fucktard does not…and has not EVER LIVED IN KOREA!!!  He lives in Australia!  I mean…what a fucktard!  Lucky for him, nobody on the site (aside from the 10 or so quite obvious ESL Teacher socks who enjoy slyly winding the fucktards up) appears to live in Korea either.  I get the impression that the Lord Of The Fuckards, Consoleboy, has never even seen a picture of Korea.  So…what sort of shit do they say that makes them ignorant fucktards?  

Well…here are some quotes…

White American/Australian now contributes to Korean plastic surgery stats. Many Whiteys now comes to Korea to have plastic surgery done. Already more than 30% of Korea’s domestic plastic surgery procedures are done by foreigners. Which explains why S.Korea’s plastic surgery is surging. 

That’s by Consoleboy…who forgets that he is an Australian…and is not white…so he should know that not all Australians are white…and also that not all foreigners are white.  In fact…most of the foreigners in Korea (by a VERY large number) are NOT white.  True story.

Only the lowest stock of Korean women go after foreign men. These women tend to stay in their husbands countries so it doesn’t affect Korea in any way. I say good riddance, we are getting rid of our trash. 

Wow!  The internet truly is the place for sad, lonely men to go and tap out their frustrations.  Here we have a group of guys who clearly can’t get any pussy…so…they get angry at women.  Misogynists are not a new or interesting phenomenon.  I would also suggest that Korea freed itself of a fair whack of trash the day your parents emigrated.  

Interracial marriage needs to stop. Does Korea really want to see riots from migrant workers, half-Koreans, etc? It will have a negative impact on economic growth. I will have a negative impact on the Korean identity. Just look at America, a multiracial garbage bin.

Yes…race riots.  That’s the big fear that Korea faces day to day.  I tell you what fucktard…let’s see Samsung, Posco, Hyundai, LG etc continue with their current cost structures without migrant workers….and interracial marriage and migrant workers are two separate issues.  Most interracial marriages in Korea are from three general categories…Korean men who import women from South East Asia, Korean men and women marrying English teachers/military personnel, office workers, etc…and Korean men and women who meet and marry a foreigner whilst studying/working abroad.  There are loads of other examples and exceptions….BUT…the truth is…there’s no large group of people who were enslaved for a long period of time…had their names and histories obliterated…and then fought for equality over a long period of time.  To suggest that somehow Korea and America are in any danger of becoming ethnically similar…even if one chooses to ignore your ignorant fucktard ‘garbage bin’ jab…a person could only decide that you are the lowest form of ignorant fucktarded racist cunt.

^ If halfies and multi-ethnic become major population in Korea then it’s not the problem, but when mixed and multi-ethnic population is less than 10% of Korea’s total population then it’s problem because there will be other 90% of Koreans disliking them, then there will be racial hatred and racial riots.

Consoleboy’s ignorant response to the above.  I wager Consoleboy needed to wipe a large wad of cum and saliva off the keyboard before he responded to vitamin200’s comment that I posted above.  Consoleboy…you have no idea what you’re talking about.  You are to sociological research as I am to not saying fucktard.  You’re a fucktard.  So…if the foreign population in a country is less than 10% (sorry…foreign and 'halfies’) then there WILL BE racial hatred and racial riots?  So…if a nation has two foreigners…then those two people will riot?  You’re a fucktard…and you don’t live here…and you don’t understand how it works.  Do you want to know what it’s like being a foreigner and living in South Korea Consoleboy?  let me tell you…it’s not too shabby.  Yeah…there’s the odd fucktard…but the world abounds in cunts of every kind…so one expects that Korea’s not gonna be bereft of fucktards.  Do Koreans dislike me?  No.  Well…some do…some don’t.  Back home…some cunts liked me…some didn’t.  It’s the same.  I know that’s gonna bug you…but…people don’t care as much about race within Korea as you and your circle jerk would like to think.  

Yeah, keep harrasing Koreans about their deficiencies and weakness and how they are racists. No wonder so many Koreans are sick of people who are married to these white dudes. They become infected with these white dudes’ vitriols against Koreans, especially Korean men, and spew relentlessly whenever they meet other Koreans. Shame and embarrasement might subjugate your past colonial subjects and non-whites, or insecure persons who can barely communicate with you, but it won’t work with people who are knowlegeable about English speaking western countries. Yeah, that’s right, we’re gonna expose you to Koreans how you really are.   That’s what you’re afraid of, being EXPOSED about how you really are and Anglophone western countries’ racism and marginalisation of Asians. 

So much of this is wrong, ignorant and stupid.  This was a response to someone suggesting that the central focus of the forum (which is to promote racism as a weapon against racism apparently) was a little bit naive…and that maybe ALL racism is a bad thing.  This was not a suggestion that all Koreans are racist or weak or deficient…which makes the reply seem a little paranoid.  Now…this post was by a fella named “Campers”.  Campers doesn’t live in Korea either…probably couldn’t find the place on a map…of Korea.  I’m a 'white dude’.  I love Korea.  I also get along quite well with Korean men…you should meet some…you’ll find them to be open minded, outgoing, and interested in a wider range of subjects than your narrow mind could ever imagine.  Now…I have no doubt that high school was tough on you…but that’s over mate…move on with your life.  Try and move out of your parent’s garage, meet a girl and have a life.  You might enjoy it.

 ^ Create more jobs for women in Korea and allow women for army conscription, we need to hold these young Korean women from going overseas for educational purpose because most of them will end up with sleeping with whiteys.

 Consoleboy again!  Yes!  The solution to the 'problem’ of Korean women going overseas (men should be allowed to go overseas though apparently) is to restrict their educational oppotunites, and force them into military service.  I wonder if Consoleboy realises that he sounds a little more North Korean than South Korean when he posts misogynistic arguments like these?

Now…the above were all from ONE THREAD (aside from the first one…which was from the plastic surgery thread)…which gives you an idea of just how much shit these fucktards spew from day to day.  So much that their arseholes must be jealous of how much shit their mouths get to spill.  Let’s look at a little more…in what will possibly be an ongoing series…because…these fucktards are like a broken ATM (I meant Automatic Teller Machine..not Ass To Mouth (although both would be apt)).

Whiteys just want sex, I think. They hate there own fat women and come to Asia to steal. But I’m not saying anything new. I’m just repeating. 

Yes…we steal.  Of course.  That’s right.  I mean…that’s what we do isn’t it?  Oh…and aren’t all foreigners white?  Aren’t all western women fat?  Of course.  Yeah.  Sure.  Fucktard.

I’m pretty sure, countries like U.S, Australia and UK/France have the highest STDs per capita. I was told, something like 80% of young Aussies have herpes, I’m not sure if this is true or not but I’m pretty sure I’ve read related article from newspaper couple of years ago.

This is Consoleboy again…he was ranting about a club that promoted a “One Night Stand Night”…something that he announced was due to 'western influence killing Seoul nightlife’.  Yeah…the nightlife in a City that the fucktard has probably never been to…is being killed by a promotion at a Korean club offering free drinks and motel fees if clubbers meet their partner for the night at the event.  Now…the promotion is tacky…and in a nanny state like Victoria the outrage would be so over the top that it would be shut down in a minute…BUT…according to Consoleboy…this is 'western influence’ and because of this promotion young Koreans will end with all manner of sexually transmitted diseases…like 80% of young Aussies…and their herpes.  I mean…if Consoleboy is 'pretty sure’…then a fella wouldn’t need any sources…no…not all!  I’m totally sure that Consoleboy is 100% STD free…it’s difficult to catch an STD when your definition of dipping your wick is masturbating over photos SNSD whilst re-assuring yourself that none of them have had plastic surgery.

Just look at the blacks whine ane gripe about unfair treatment, when in fact, a lot of them tend to be racist themselves.

Brilliant.  This is the essence of this website…people who complain about the unfair and harsh treatment of others against Koreans…and they combat this racism by being incredibly racist themselves.  Pot….meet kettle.

SO….now you’ve met my friends the Korean Sentry Fucktards.  I find it interesting that Consoleboy lives in Australia…because Australia has extremely strict racial vilification laws…so strict…that a lot of what he says on the forum would be considered illegal.  

Consoleboy…I’m sure one of your fucktard crew will find this sooner or later…and when they do…contact me.  I’ll be back in Australia for Christmas…and if you’re half the man you pretend to be on your hatesite…you’ll meet me…and we can duke it out.  I’m up for it.  You’re Australian…you understand that sometimes men need to duke shit out…so let’s get it on motherfucker….let’s sort this shit out.  Unless…you’re the kind of gutless fuck that likes to start shit and just run away?  Nah…no way a brave fella who can make up statistics like you would be anything less than brave.  Let’s go fucktard…now…I ken that you work in St Kilda Road…and I’m happy to meet you there…on Level 5 or right outside.  I’m sure that your Indian bosses (HCL is an Indian owned company) would love to know some of your views on 'blacks’.  So…meet me for a square go…or I meet your bosses and discuss your racist website…that you set up using THEIR BUSINESS ADDRESS!!!  You fucktard!!!!” As a footnote...by the time I did visit Consoleboy he had moved to Adelaide.  I managed to find his company details via a friend in the industry...and paid him a brief visit on a hot summer’s morning.  Now, but this stage I had received two different death threats from the same address in Adelaide...and when I visited the cock...at his place of business to ‘talk it out’ he was very surprised.  His first shock was that I had found him...the second was that I had appeared at his office...and the third was that I was actually very pleasant.  I gently explained that if he wanted to hurt or kill me, now was his best chance.   “I’m right here mate...have a fucking crack!” I suggested.  He shook his head a lot...looked at the floor...mumbled.  I asked if that was an apology...and he nodded.  I then gently explained that I found him...and that I would always find him...so if anyone wanted to drop threats or suggest that they would harm the other man...then it might be more apt for me to threaten him.  He turned to walk away and I laughed...and laughed...and laughed. What a chump and a coward. Second footnote...he now lived in Sydney ;-)

[burndogturns-blog]

The Internet....

The internet’s the only place where I ever get called names.  I don’t know why.  In my face-to-face interactions people never say anything nasty, or stupid, or rude.  Never.  Online however, people are constantly willing to try and piss on my sandals. Why?   I am not really sure.  I remember a couple of years back i challenged Fake Thiessen to a boxing match.  He never accepted the challenge.  Why?  Because people online are brave and bold knowing that they won’t ever pay the necessary price for such ‘bravery’ or ‘boldness’.  It’s the piss weak thing about the modern world.  When Old Ma Burndog was a lad, if you called someone a cunt, then you had to be willing to take the arse kicking that came along with that (if you chose to kick a bigger dog).  That was a measure of growing up.   No doubt my smart mouth got me a few slaps that I would have avoided through common sense and discretion, but what the fuck would I have uncovered about the meaning of life if I’d not had my arse kicked on occasion?  No.  You have to fuck up sometimes.  You have to learn that running your mouth eventually leads to getting it burst by a bigger, stronger, faster cunt than you.  That’s part of life.  I learnt more from broken skin and bones than I learnt from anything else, and putting yourself in the cotton ball confines of online life isn’t going to help you learn. No. Seriously...there’s definitely a time for the path of least resistance...but there’s also a time for a swift cockpunch and a cold beer. Until then...keep your shit shitty and your words true Burnfans.

[burndogturns-blog]

Like Water Off A Duck’s Vagina...

Good Afternoon Burnfans! How’s your poo?  Brown?  Chunky?  Fruit filled and the colour of love and stink?  That’s nice. I’m pretty good.  I mean...I could choose to be all pissy about fake David Thiessen posting his word cum all over my wall.  But the fact is, he’s only here because he still hasn’t worked out where I went while I wasn’t here...so that’s funny.  I often wondered if he’d discovered the third wall...but seeing as he’s still here...then he can’t be there. It’s nice to know that one can slip away from ones adversaries. Now...let me talk about something that shits me.  You see so many people on Facebook shitting on Korea and Koreans...yet...and this is crucial...they either choose to live here and still piss and moan endlessly about how difficult it is...or they chose to leave here but still choose to join Facebook groups about Korea so that they can piss and moan endlessly.   I don’t get it. To me, Korean life is life.  Korea is a place.  There are better places, and there are certainly worse places.  I just don’t get all of the expended energy on what is more or less just pissing against the wall. Let it go. Move on. Grow up. Pissing and moaning in groups full of other pissers and moaners just leaves you becoming more of a pisser and moaner.Cynicism is fucking easy...being happy is a difficult choice but one that is worth the effort.  If you can choose to be happy...then choose it.  If you can’t, then try to remove any barriers that you can.  Life’s not easy for anyone...but you don’t make it easier by being a cunt. I also don’t understand people like Fake David Thiessen...why make a life out of pissing and moaning at people?  Surely the Lord would want you to spread joy and wisdom?  Being judgmental and negative seems to be much less Christian than being happy and kind.   So Dave...judge not, lest you be judged pal.  Because judgement day may be upon you my old chum.  You never can tell what will come to pass. So...to me...all the bullshit of the world is just water off a duck’s vagina.

I’m happy as all shit. Love you Burnfans....Love me, Burndog.