we balling (we bawling)

i'm at the lowest point in my life and this is a way to let it all out. mostly vents and reblogs. if you want to stay and see what i have to say, welcome

[francisforever2014]

how do you just get up and deal with the fact that there’s a last time for everything. there was a last time you sat on your dads shoulders and there was a last time your mom tucked you into bed. there’s going to be a last time you kiss your sister on the head and there’s going to be a last time you hug your best friend. there’s going to be a last time you feel exactly as you feel right now and there’s going to be a last time that person says i love you. i need to lay down

[burnt-pencil]

what's up with november and death like. my grandpa died 21st november, 2016. one of my dogs died in november last year. and now, my cat died a week ago, also in november. why is november my month of mourning

[burnt-pencil]

ive spent all afternoon looking at photos of her... she was so fluffy and soft she always left hair everywhere but she had the softest fur out of all my pets. she didn't really like being petted but she trusted me enough to let me do it when she felt like it.

she was not very cuddly,,, but last winter she would jump onto my bed at night and sleep with me. i had hoped she would do that again this year, i really enjoyed sleeping with her. guess it doesnt matter anymore, because she won't do it.

she would also fight a lot with another cat of mine... but i caught them cuddling one winter night. i really hoped they would end up getting along. they already seemed to have taken the first steps for that. i really wanted to see them getting along...

[burnt-pencil]

god i hate getting home. it doesnt feel like home at all lately

i remember how much i yearned for going back home during the first week of college. what did i get when i finally managed to come back? everything being awful! my mother being extremely anxious and crying, my father being very irritated, and my brother struggling in highschool because it was also his first year.

has the situation gotten any better? not really!! one of the things i look forward to the most each week is coming back to see my pets. last week i did not go back home. this week, when i did, i discovered that one of my cats has died.

how do i even deal with that i miss her so much she is she was my oldest cat she's been with me the longest how do i deal with the fact that im never gonna see her again

[inkskinned]

when you were younger, you were often told off for being too sensitive. as if you could control it. as if you, taking your own pain seriously, as if that was the problem. it didn't matter that you were being bullied - and it never mattered if the bully was your parent. it just mattered that you reacted to it.

the other day someone asked why you always seem to take things in stride. you don't know how to say - i don't, i am just not allowed to be a human where others could see it happen.

you watch other people have emotions in public and are often stunned by them. you are always walking carefully around your own, knowing that at some point you could slip and start weeping through your sunday evening apropos of nothing. you're not allowed to feel big things. when you feel big things, you're a messy, annoying person. it's ugly when you cry. it's uncomfortable for everyone.

the other day, you were relating another story to your therapist. you paused for a moment and then let out that little bark of laughter - it shouldn't have hurt, but i guess it did!

you promise that you're not upset about it. you're never upset about anything. you just pass through this world - ghostlike. numb. promising others - oh! i've changed a lot since i was a kid.

[burnt-pencil]

I am not a good person, and I say that as a perfectly correct thing to say.

I have been repeating this to myself for half an hour now. I am not a good person, I am not a good daughter, I am not a good sister, I am not a good student, I am not a good friend.

I am not a good daughter — I resent my parents despite their best efforts to give me a good life. I focus on those times they didn't hug me, they didn't reach out. The last resentment I added to the list was when they told me next time I came home they would buy me some stuff from a bakery that recently opened in our town. I've come home five times since then and they have completely forgotten. They simply got too much on their minds, and I cannot blame them, but it still itches for some reason.

I am not a good sister — Yes I love my little brother very much. Yes I would do anything in the world for him! And yet, and yet, I recognize I cannot look at him without being envious. He has our parents' complete support. They have always been by his side when he needed it, and he needed it a lot. He's got a disability so of course he is going to need more support than me!

And yet, and yet... It kinda sucks. Actually, it fucking sucks a lot. I have always dealt with my problems alone, because I didn't want to burden my parents. I always take my emotions and put them in a box where they won't be in the way. Everybody around me told me and my parents I was a gifted child. So I continued being a gifted child while my brother was a disabled kid. One of us needed support, and the other one could do everything she put her heart into! She could absolutely achieve everything she wanted!

So where the fuck did that child go and why am I crying in her bed.

I am not a good student — I was a gifted kid yeah I get it. A pleasure to have in class. Always got good marks. Always writing the best essays, always making the best project, always giving it her all.

I did not fucking care about school one bit. I'm skipping class today, in fact, because I cannot keep it together anymore and if I gotta feel like shit, better feel like shit when I'm not surrounded by other people that could not care less about me.

All I did in school was so I could feel recognized. Teachers liked me and I was taught that was the greatest achievement a student could strive for. My parents were happy when I got good grades! Wasn't that great? Wasn't that all I needed?

Seems like it fucking wasn't because two days ago my mother told me to go congratule my brother for writing a two paragraph text. Of course I was happy for him! That's a big achievement for him! I just kinda wish my mother would have put the same energy into rasing *me* up! I am selfish and Im coming to terms with it. I remember once, in highschool, I got an 8 instead of a 9 or a 10. It was still a good mark, I tell myself years down the line. But at that moment my mother seemed disappointed, so I practiced and studied more and more everyday, til I finally got a 10 in that subject.

She was happy, because it was a good mark, but that was all. It was not bad, but. I wish she could have recornized how much effort I put into it, at least.

I am not a good friend — I am writing this in my room while my roommate and one of my greatest friends since six years ago is in the living room with her boyfriend-not-boyfriend. I am getting annoyed by her laugh. I used to like it, but these past months it sounds too high pitched, too irritating. I may just be in the wrong headspace, but she just feels different. I may still just be resentful after yesterday, when she insisted I go with her and her classroom friends to have lunch, and she did not even talk to me a single time. A completely unkown to me friend of hers talked more to me than she did. And I am not particularly outgoing and comfortable with strangers, and she has known this for a long time, so idk. Maybe I'm just trying to find reasons to get angry at her. At my friend. At one of my best friends who each day I feel more separated from.

If I told any of those people now that I am not a good person they would inmediately refute me. I have always been a good person, good daughter, good sister, good student, good friend. How date I suggest otherwise.

And yet I'm kind of curious about how they would react if I told them I want to ruin my life. I want to throw out the window everything good I have ever been and I want to burn everything good I have ever done. I want to ruin my life and spit on the dust and rubble and become a messy ugly crying and sobbing and screaming thing. I want to see if they would confort me then. Would they still say that they love me?