Grasping
Some days there doesn't feel like a right way to be me. When I let out the sad I get told I'm too sad. So I tuck it back in, hide it a bit more.
It's like I'm grasping constantly to hang onto myself in some way. Being sad feels wrong. Hiding sad away feels wrong. Being happy feels very fake. Neutral feels dead.
There's no real space for my emotions in my marriage. But when I am alone that's the time I can feel. I can just be all of the emotions and sleep. Sleep would fix it, but I think that's what is so tempting about "the long good night".
I don't think anyone really wants to die. Isn't it just that they've found a moment where you realise that there isn't enough sleep to feel better anymore.










