Qué Sera Sera...but mostly qué.

shrug & write about it...

[but-mostly-que]

Grasping

Some days there doesn't feel like a right way to be me. When I let out the sad I get told I'm too sad. So I tuck it back in, hide it a bit more.

It's like I'm grasping constantly to hang onto myself in some way. Being sad feels wrong. Hiding sad away feels wrong. Being happy feels very fake. Neutral feels dead.

There's no real space for my emotions in my marriage. But when I am alone that's the time I can feel. I can just be all of the emotions and sleep. Sleep would fix it, but I think that's what is so tempting about "the long good night".

I don't think anyone really wants to die. Isn't it just that they've found a moment where you realise that there isn't enough sleep to feel better anymore.

[but-mostly-que]

Spilt Milk

Spilt milk. There's no point crying over it. It's a saying.

And here I am being asked to. Being yelled at because I'm NOT sorry enough. I am not disturbed enough to jump immediately and offer help. I am a cold woman, an uncaring partner, a loveless marriage in action because my reaction wasn't what he wanted.

"Aaaaaah! Freeze!"

And so I do. But that's wrong.

"Can you HELP me?! At least fetch a cloth! Why aren't you bothering to help me?!?" "Uhm, you said freeze?", but I fetch the cloth anyway.

I know the problem is just starting. The lecture begun. The trial in session. Why don't I care enough to offer help? Why wouldn't I know how serious the situation is? Couldn't I see the milk EVERYWHERE? Why can't I just care more? Why did he have to ASK for help? Why did he have to ask for a cloth? Why didn't I try calm him down? Why didn't I try harder to diffuse his temper when he was clearly upset? That's what a partner is meant to do he believes.

And I defend. I reason I did everything that was clearly asked of me. I froze, I fetched & I answered all the Whys and Wheres.

But in my heart, as the argument spins on and on for hours because he isn't hearing the mysterious answer he claims he needs in order to move on... I keep thinking... I don't cry over spilt milk. I'm done with this big regret.

[but-mostly-que]

Opening up to someone comes relatively easily,

Why hide? Pour it out.

Empty yourself and hear your own words reshape things.

Sometimes it can slice. Sometimes it patches it up slightly and sometimes it sparks new will. But it always does SOMETHING.

It's a kind of motion some of us need when it's all stopped and heavy under here. Under the constant noise.

And yet how do we get the openness back? How do we get the one we desperately want to hear from to open up and let us see? To be honest so we can both move...no matter what the direction. Even if it is away from each other at least we'll finally know...

[but-mostly-que]

I have someone like this in my life. They reappeared in my days like a thunderstorm - like a loud crashing release, bringing rain to revive feelings I truly thought dead and dessicated. To make me feel, finally, more myself again.

Go figure.

And now they "maybe" me. It's odd to know people like this. To know I definitely used to be like this too. To acknowledge that I feel myself slip up and want to do it some days, but I am trying to learn and remember how it can hurt. A maybe that definitely means a no... The original "breadcrumb".

[but-mostly-que]

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Ah that festive season! When the scent of cookies, warm apple cider and failure to meet your inner kid's expectations fill the air... 😅 #fail #festiveseason #parenting #adventcalendar #howdoeseverybodydoit #elfontheshelf #omgmustidothattoo?!? #momsofinstagram https://www.instagram.com/p/CIUzL0xnyHT/?igshid=ivj41bo98j06

[but-mostly-que]

what not to do

Let’s say you’re in an unstable job. Let’s say you should likely look at moving to another job, but you would like something that accommodates the fact that you have a toddler and you would like to be your version of a good mom - so something that allows flexibility, some remote work days and deadlines which aren’t going to add to your already wonky toddlery sleep patterns.

What would be a thing that you could do to make all of this even more complicated?

Ah yes. Fall pregnant. Which I’ve gone and done.

[but-mostly-que]

Aggretsuko | Sanrio Anime | Netflix When your colleague sends you this... because some people just “get” you... you know?

[but-mostly-que]

When I open emails in the morning.

[but-mostly-que]

some days you're in control of your own destiny. And then other you're not. #life

[but-mostly-que]

#worklife #whatisbalance

[but-mostly-que]

That person

I think I may be that person who just keeps working until I die.

Or at the very least the person who keeps working until a) someone tells me to stop. Like, “that’ll do pig. that’ll do”...

b) until my body tells me to stop. Call it an ulcer, a heart attack, a nervous breakdown – not sure. We could probably start taking bets.

c) the internet ends. I am no longer able to log on and complete anything.

This is not because I’m hard-working. Oh no... this is because I can’t let something go. So if I get given a task I just plod along and do it. 

Send help. Someone or some catastrophic web incident save me please!

[but-mostly-que]

Good answer buddy.

Interviewer: Tell us a bit about you...

Me: Uh... I'm a working mum.

Weird. I am sure I used to have more to say on this subject...hmmmm.

[but-mostly-que]

Right? Right?!? But damn it sucks when you need to be finding this out...

[but-mostly-que]

I mean... I woke up today to just be myself. Is that fine? Gad. It feels like the internet is just expecting a lot from me today...ugh.

[but-mostly-que]

[but-mostly-que]

Panic?

oh. the PANIC. That's just what I do now. I just live in this constant state of teetering between gratitude for all I have and fear of when it's going to disappear. Sadness for fambams who're having a hard time and relief because there is always a chance it could have been worse.

Sprinkle in a ton of guilt for being a working mother & just general fear of when my job is going to finally crash down around me and it's a heady cocktail of joy and dispair. You know... life stuff *shrug*

[alderion-al]

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[but-mostly-que]

All credit to the artist who did this. It’s my pick of the day.