so wild to realize while going on to 30 that i was always butch
even as a "little boy" i was so confused cause in my mind i was ACEING the whole "masculinity thing"
i was that weird boy who went to primary school in a suit and tie with a fucking suitcase cause my dad went to work that way sometimes and to me that was the PINNACLE of masculinity
i was that kid who kept his hair long cause medieval knights did and i swore i wasn't just scared of the village hairdresser
i was obsessed with courtly love, i was obsessed with codes of honor, i was obsessed with being a man in the "proper" way
the way my father taught me, to make sure everyone was okay, to hold open doors, to make sure i don't hurt or scare people, be kind, polite and gentle, to offer my seat on public transport
and from the first day of kindergarten they called me a faggot, they said i was acting like a girl, they said i WAS a girl, they told me i wasn't meant to use the boys restroom and they spit at me
it took me 28 years to realize i was acting like a tomboy and got bullied badly for acting like a little girl that acted like a boy, not like a REAL boy
it took me 28 years, estradiol, transitioning, throwing out all of my masculine clothes and buying them again, just different this time
it took me so much blood and tears and sweat and ink, so many anxious moments to realize that i'm that butch and i have always been
i hold open the doors, i make sure that everyone is alright, i'm polite despite my punk exterior, i'm kind and i'm aware that sometimes my rugged exterior can make people afraid, i love myself and i love all the other butches like me
it took me 28 years to realize i have always been this way, they tried to raise a man and i grew up to be the butch i'll always be
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