butchy wolfbitch

27 🏳️‍⚧️ NB | she/they | im the gayest one in the forest

[butchywolf]

it's been like what, idk, three or four weeks? im back where i started

- bitter

- angry

- lonely

- unendingly tired

I've been suicidal for almost two years now. Two years! It'll be a full two years next March, give or take. Why am I still alive, I don't know lol - part of it's cowardice, I guess? Im scared of oblivion. But I'm so tired of being here, of being alone - still single, tee hee, funny how once you're trans and have extremely basic standards like wanting potential partners to be employed you can't find ANYONE - I'm tired of comparing myself, too. Yeah, it's incel talk, but it's the complete and utter truth that if you have a partner like 90% of problems disappear. You're going through a rough time? Partner has your back. You can't make rent? Your rent is HALF with a partner. You want companionship, that's partner stuff.

I am surrounded by "friends" who offer me nothing but taking up my time. Which is fine! I love my friends - but every second I spend with them is a moment where I should be trying to date someone, another block on my schedule crossed out. And they don't know that they're doing it, and they LOOOOOVE that I'm incredible at sex and enjoy fucking me whenever, but wow guess the body attached to the fingers that will go numb to please you doesnt deserve a "I think of you as more than a friend."

I hate happy people. Their problems AREN'T REAL.

[butchywolf]

just made breakfast for myself for the first time in like three years

[butchywolf]

no one is reading this but doesn't matter

depression can't hit a moving target. like damn, what the hell, all those silly lil sayings really do make a difference. my brain might be haunted but i got the boys from Watcher taking care of things

anyways, im doin better i spose

[butchywolf]

im really tired of that voice in my head that says "why should i" when i consider doing anything to improve my situation

like, honestly, fuck you man - yes it would be nice to just wallow in bed all day and sleep as much as possible but that's not feasible for the long term and it's not really helping either way

I just have to try

[butchywolf]

you found me in a passively suicidal time of my life

[butchywolf]

hi Tumblr i am going to use this as my depressed rambles place from now on so i can stop polluting my other social medias with depression (my friends r there and it's just not a good look lmao)

[thetidemice]

been getting really into bed recently

[butchywolf]

the profundity astounds me

[kosmogrl]

[butchywolf]

oh hey, it's literally me (the op)

[butchywolf]

i think yesterday was cool because even though i was sobbing in the car on the way home it wasn't because i wanted to die it was because i wanted to live

[butchywolf]

[butchywolf]

"i-i've never done anything like this before" x "don't worry, i've done plenty of things like you before"

[butchywolf]

so anyways

[butchywolf]

ive been playing with your puppy parts for hours, haven't i?

how long have i kept you on edge? can't remember? you're so dumbed down...

you want to breed so badly, and ill let you—but only if you promise to let me take you to the vet after.

you'll get fixed for me, won't you puppy?

[painbattery-deactivated20251001]

someone should make one of those PSA style posts about "not adopting trendy pets that you can't commit to taking care of and eventually throwing them away" but about entering relationships with love-starved trans girls

[erisgoddess-of-discord]

Idk, this is especially meaningful to me, because I've experienced first hand how utterly painful it can be to completely starved for love and then to become someones temporary thing they don't want to commit to taking care of, but that they like the novelty of affection of. Especially since so many people will do the same thing of giving someone starving for love and a home, a taste of genuine affection and love for maybe a few months before slowly removing every bit of support and affection and see how little effort they have to put into keeping their loving loyal and devoted partner where she stays good and obedient and willing to give anything for any scrap of love. Idk, moral of the story don't fucking get into a relationship with a love starved transfem if you don't plan to keep giving them all the love and support they deserve

[butchywolf]

wait, I'm a love starved transfem,

[butchywolf]

so this year kind of threw my life off the rails (like it was on any to begin with). been meaning to write this out for a while, on some platform somewhere, where i can feel less like im talking to myself, but also not have it blasted entirely across the web. sorry not sorry for taking up space.

i was diagnosed with stage four papillary thyroid carcinoma in February, and had surgery in March. due to complications of the surgery, i am hypophonic (soft-voiced), and consequentially unable to sing. i also have a persistent cough that i have no control over, and the room *still* feels like it is spinning.

it's really hard to put into words how frustrating it is to go from being a good singer to no longer being able to control your voice. it's also really, really shitty when you need the release of screaming and you physically cant. what was worse, though, was going to all of my appointments alone during treatment. i don't have a partner, and none of my friends that i felt comfortable asking (not many of them) were available, and that meant i spent a lot of time crying in my car alone. whenever i get into a spiral about things - money, cancer, dysphoria, emotions doing emotion things, lonely, tired of grinding and grinding - i always end up back there outside the doctor's office, grabbing the steering wheel so hard i lose feeling in my fingers, trying to hold onto a past self.

anyways, put all that aside - this is also one of the best years of my life. while i might not have a partner to go through struggles and successes with, i do have friends, and i do have a comet i see every once in a while, and i have a few dynamics that add good feelings to my life. im back in school and it's just as bad as i remember, but everyone is cheering for me to do well. my job is fine, i guess (healthcare). i think this past year has led me to appreciate a lot of parts of myself that i haven't been able to access since before i could remember. im hoping that this time next year ill be happier than i am right now, in some way.

tldr: fuck cancer

[butchywolf]

what would the undersiders play in WoW?

I know Rachel can't read or see in color but she would play a hunter if she could.

[butchywolf]

Oh my god you look so incredibly, like a force of nature, my poor gay heart, I can't

im just a wolfie