The Butterfly Damsel

[butterflydamsel]

I got through it...

So massive shout out to anyone going through tough times! You are smashing it and you can get through it, I believe in you <3

So this week has been demanding to say the least; maybe the most mentally demanding in quite a few months but I got through it. This Tuesday my ex boyfriend finally admitted he cheated on me. To say I was surprised would be a lie but it still really hurt. I spent much of the evening crying into my pillow but the next day I got up and stood up stronger. I am so lucky I have incredible friends who send as much reassurance as they can in text form and support me through everything which I am forever grateful for. My ex is now a distant memory from the past and, although I often see his mother sitting in the garden behind my house, HE is an irrelevant component of my past. 

The next challenging step of this week was going into work for the first time since the pandemic began. I was very anxious and unsure of what to expect. However, I needn’t worry, it was fine! The school I work for have all the provisions in place and have been as supportive as ever with reassuring us that our safety is the top priority when we come back to school. An added bonus was my team are also really awesome!! They are so friendly and cheery and I can’t wait to get to know them all more!! 

The last challenging step of this week was returning back to the house of bullies where I have lived for the past nine months whilst at university. I was very anxious about returning to collect my stuff. However, thankfully with the support of my childhood best friend, I did it! I went in and got my stuff and moved out and I never looked back...

If there’s one thing this week has taught me, it is to hold on to the friends that push you further and are there to laugh and cry with you. They are the ones who will always hold you closest in their hearts. 

Shout out to all my amazing friends- I love you all so dearly, thank you for always supporting me and making life great! Love you <3 

[butterflydamsel]

I finished 2nd year

How crazy is that? I finally submitted my last assignment of 2nd year, wow, its been insane! Overwhelmed is a word for it but I am so so proud of everything I have achieved this year. It’s weird because looking back some people would expect me to say I hated every minute but that's completely the opposite to what I am thinking, I loved it and I will look back for years to come and be proud of what I have achieved this year. Although a massive year for me in lots of ways, it has been a year of building strength and truly learning who I am as a person. Despite the bullying, the tears and my first break up, there have been many highlights. I found my family at university in a team of crazy trampoliners but all of whom I love so dearly. They are well truly my family away from home and I am so very lucky to be apart of them. They make each day that much more worth living for and are definitely part of the reason I am still standing. I met some people who have become like sisters to me this year, they have been the ones to pick me up when I am down but also celebrate the highs with me. I cannot tell you how excited I am to be back with them in September when we continue our crazy university journey together. How weird is it to think, if it hadn't of been for Winchester I never would’ve come across this great bunch of people. A thought I would much rather remove from my head right now as I genuinely am so grateful for them. Not only the highlight of second year though. As a person I have grown immensely. From having the confidence to raise my hand in class to lecturing in front of seventy first years, wow that was something I never saw coming! Despite the nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach when I stood to speak, it was such an immense feeling telling my story to seventy sets of listening ears and then having an array of messages sent to me afterwards congratulating me on my success. It was immense and something I cannot wait to get more involved in and do again next year! It’s weird to think this time next year my university journey will all be over but who knows, maybe I will continue and carry on the Winchester journey a little longer? My lecturers this year have become more important than ever before, for the first time I have spent extra time picking their brains, listening to their amazing academic stories and aspiring for their success. They are truly inspirational individuals who I feel very privileged to know and be taught by. Despite the difficulties I experienced mentally, I am also very grateful for the support of my mentor and academic skills tutor this year. Both of them played huge roles in getting me through some really challenging times and I feel blessed to have had them there to pick me up and remind me why I was doing what I was doing. It’s incredible how many inspiring and caring people can be in one institution. I guess I got lucky. Lastly, my house mates. Despite the horrendous trauma they have caused me this year and I can’t say I will be sorry to see the back of them, they have been the reason I have gained the strength I have. Of course I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone but it’s toughened me up and taught what is really important in life. I wish them the best of luck for the future- and their new house mate! So that’s just about second year all summed up. It’s been incredible and I know I am going to miss this year. So a final farewell to second year and a Ching Ching to third year! May it be even better!

[butterflydamsel]

It’s been a long time...

Some mystery this had become to me, abandoned at the sight of love. It’s ironic really because in a previous post I expressed emotions of betrayal and abandonment by a friend who had fallen into the arms of her lover, but blow me away, I did exactly the same thing just months afterwards. I fell in love for the first time, I took my love drugs too quickly and ended up in the worse for it. Threw all my love into a beast who destroyed me as quickly as he picked me up and it hurt. The pain was sore, it held me a prisoner for months, wouldn’t let me think of anything else and it stung like lemon in an open wound. My friends became my guardian angels, mopping me up again and rebuilding me but they built me to be stronger, with a thicker skin this time. No one could break down this new barrier as easier as the last time, that's for sure. I won’t be hurt in such a way again is a promise I have made myself. I threw myself into life of busy social situations and fake smiles. It wasn’t the best option, it was the only option. Only when the country was forced to imprisonment did I truly come to terms with what had happened and sure, my confidence had been stamped on and thrown in a bit but I was still here. Weeks past since I found out the truth and I had mastered the art of loving myself again and that's where we are at now. Accepting each day isn’t going to be glorious but there will be good in everyday and remember the bad days are there to make us stronger. So it’s been a long time but I am back and, although changed, I am fighting fit ready for whatever is next...

[butterflydamsel]

My potential new song for the month ✌️

[butterflydamsel]

Reality right now....

So this is my reality right now, a lonely kitchen where I am left to eat dinner alone. This is not by any means a call for a pity, but simply an acknowledgement of my reality. Over the last few days, a drop of positive emotions felt by myself has resulted in a growing distance from my house mates. Obviously it sort of stings, feeling as though there is a lack of understanding for wanting distance, but I can see their point. I haven’t had the effort so neither have they. Perfectly understandable I suppose. Not necessarily fair but understandable. Feelings of guilt of filtered through my stomach all day that I am leaving them for the weekend, but some part of me questions if they will even notice I am gone? Do they notice I am even here sometimes? I guess these are questions I will never have answered because if they answer is no, they wouldn’t ever tell me that. It sounds like I am moaning about my fellow house mates. I don’t mean this intentionally. I am simply stating my current reality. Maybe a breath of fresh air will help me, right? I look forward to my Saturday evening in front of my sister’s telly whilst we both scroll through the likes of tinder to find our Prince Charming.

#unilife #student #reality #housemates

[butterflydamsel]

When you feel like you are loosing someone...

Never did I think I would feel differently about this person. I once held so much respect for them but as the evil which comes in the form of their partner over takes their vision and all control, I feel myself growing distant, almost being to gain feelings of hatred towards this person. It stings like a bee. All emotions overflow, wishing and hoping that for one second you can have back the moments treasured previously with that person. As tears roll down my face, I sit at a distance just watching my once friend roll out into someone unrecogniseable. The pain sickens me and angers me, feelings of frustrating over turn in my stomach, making me feel physically sick inside.

#pain #isolation #sadness #friendship

[butterflydamsel]

Judgement

Today judgement felt too much. All a sudden I was expected to be some kind of perfectionist I wasn’t. Every tiny decision I made drained my soul and it all felt too much. My once happy life that I was allowed to form and decided upon became so much different. It compressed me and overwhelmed me and I didn’t know where to turn, the truth is I still don’t. How can you present the persona that it’s not hurting when every time another comment is made your soul breaks inside of you. What is the answers to the outside taunts? What can you physically do to eliminate the pain they cause you?

#student #anxiety #autism #judgement #empty #misunderstood

[butterflydamsel]

Sunday Night Thoughts...

I guess you could say Sunday nights are kind of weird to me. It’s the end of one week and the start of another, the start of another week of the unknown. Scary stuff in my eyes. Although the basic events are laid out in front of me, the details which will signify the week are all hidden, waiting for me to uncover them. Exciting in a sense too I suppose but the fear of the unknown is definitely present. I feel like this week could be a big one. A new society with lots of new people and a sport I haven’t done for some years will be one thing, as well as the other unexpectancies which come with that. Also a week where I am determined to ensure my attitude of disbelief doesn’t stop me for achieving my priorities and getting to where I need to be. If that’s one thing I learnt last week. Progress needs to be made consistently otherwise it will all come crashing down upon us. With that in mind a new routine tomorrow should hopefully improve my levels of productivity and allow for a week with more tea and less stress... I am hoping. Wish me luck!

#studentlife #uni #educationstudies #sundays #bedtimechats #stress #tea

[butterflydamsel]

First official catch up since being back in Winchester with the lovely Ellie

#friendship #unilife #winchester #pitcherandpiano #longdistance #secondhome