why does my mind think that suicide is the solution for everything

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Not today Justin

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@buttparsley
why does my mind think that suicide is the solution for everything
me: middle school honor student about to go into high school
undiagnosed mental illness:
i wish my weight would drop as fast as james charlesās sub count
do you know how cute i would be if i had more moneyĀ
And less fat
And less ugly
wow must be nice to just eat until ur full, and then just,,, stop? eating??? because ur full?????¿¿??¿
I ate almost 600kcal today šššš I want to fucking commit no life
I didnāt even walk home from school and I burned only 1700kcal total today ššš
Lmao okay so itās 10:30 in the morning and even though I havenāt shat yet (and I ate really late, about 23:30) I still lost 0,5kg... so Iām good I guess..
I ate almost 600kcal today šššš I want to fucking commit no life
I didnāt even walk home from school and I burned only 1700kcal total today ššš
Ok but y'all have no idea how confused I am about how eating normally has changed my body?????? Like bitch I havenāt gotten fat??? My chest bones are still right there but now I have muscles too??? I can see my abs??? I workout so little here and I eat all day long????????¿¿??? mY L1fE iS a LiE
wow I just got fat
What hurts the most is looking in the mirror and knowing it could be different.
I couldāve started earlier
I couldāve eaten less yesterday
I couldāve walked away from that one binge
I couldāve said no to that meal
I couldāve drank water instead
maybe then I could feel hunger pains again over the pain of being a failure.
that awkward moment when you canāt shit anymore bc you never eat enough
0 cal shit
I wanna be
) . (
\ \/ /
But instead I am
( . )
\ | /
fuck me I scrolled through my snapchat memories with my friend and there was a FUCKING body check... fuck fuck fuck :DdDDdddDdDdDdDd
Eating disorder logic
- Iām lonely Iām going to isolate myself - Iām hungry Iām going to starve - Iām full Iām going to eat - I feel enormous Iām going to binge now - I can tell Iāve lost weight Iām never eating again - Iām happy Iām going to trigger myself - Iām sad Iām going to pretend Iām fine - gum has 5 calories no - ice cream has a million calories Iām going to eat a whole 7 pints
I never related so much
Yep
Itās gross, but some sick part of me enjoys the fact that my mental health is so messed up. Some sick part of me thatās like yes, I hope this gets worse, itās not that bad, I hope this gets worse, I deserve to get worse.
I deserve to get worse.
...
This isnāt a meme, I think I might actually have a problem