e.h writes

she/her | aspiring journalist | 19 🤍

[bvttercvpdiaries]

. ｡ ⋆ ˚ .⋆༺｡ pinterest . ｡ ❀ ｡ . airbuds . ｡ ❀ ｡ . letterboxd ｡༻⋆. ˚ ⋆ ｡ .

Documenting my media diet and all the thoughts and feelings that come alongside that.

I also have a sister blog, @bvttercvpreposts, which functions as something of a digital scrapbook. Where I repost what I find here on Tumblr: interesting ideas, perspectives, and pieces of media, often followed by my own thoughts, observations, questions and occasional ramblings :)

⋆ What will this media diary include?? ⋆

Thoughts, recommendations, reviews, ramblings, and conversations on things we create & consume:

⋆ Art ⋆ Film ⋆ Television ⋆ Theatre ⋆ Music ⋆ Literature ⋆ Poetry ⋆ Journalism ⋆ Magazines ⋆ Fashion ⋆ Culture ⋆

And, occasionally, anything else that captures my attention long enough to earn a place here :)

⋆ About me... ⋆

Ummm... I need ideas of what to put in this section 😭

(I will continue adding to this post as my account grows 🩷)

Feel free to stay for a while,

E.H

[bvttercvpdiaries]

Dear diary,

I locked in and posted on insta.

It’s a compilation of reviews on different pieces of media I consumed this week.

If you wanna check it out my handle is:

@elisaholdenwrites

That’s all,

E.H

[bvttercvpdiaries]

Dear diary,

The quote that's currently stuck in my head is:

"Boys aren't raised to be men, boys are raised just not to be girls."

— Jameela Jamil.

And the more I sit with it, the more I think it gets at something really fundamental about how patriarchy hurts everyone, just in different ways.

Because think about it: what are little boys actually taught about what it means to be a man?

Not much, beyond a list of things to avoid. Don't cry. Don't be soft. Don't show fear. Don't be vulnerable. Don't be interested in ‘girly’ things. Don't be too close with your male friends in a way that could be read as gay. The whole project of masculine socialisation is largely negative space.

A series of prohibitions dressed up as identity.

Research backs this up. A 2009 study on boys' friendships and peer groups found that boys described their interactions as centring on "taunting, mocking, and 'shoving around'" - and that showing care or concern for others was policed as "gay" or "girly." The study noted that securing masculinity requires ongoing effort from boys and their peers. It's not something you just are. It's something you have to constantly prove, mostly by distancing yourself from anything coded feminine.

Another study on parents' responses to gender nonconformity found that parents - often without realising it - actively steer sons away from feminine-coded behaviour, separating boys from girls, devaluing activities marked as feminine, and in doing so, “bolstering gender inequality.” The message isn't ‘here's what a good man looks like.’ It's ‘whatever you do, don't be like them.’

And that's the feminist point, isn't it?

The devaluation of femininity is the thread that connects it all. Girls are raised with a thousand contradictory rules too, but the underlying message is that femininity is lesser, something to escape from if you're a boy, and something to be ambivalent about if you're a girl. The policing of boys isn't just about enforcing masculinity. It's about enforcing the idea that femininity is a downgrade. That being associated with girlhood is humiliating.

Jameela herself has spoken about this - she's said it's not about blaming boys, but about recognising that they're “recruited young and brainwashed, in order to be indoctrinated and manipulated into an oppressive patriarchal institution.” Which is a heavy way to put it, but not inaccurate. Boys lose out too: emotional intimacy, freedom of expression, the ability to just be without performing hardness. The male loneliness epidemic doesn't come from nowhere.

So the quote lands for me because it reframes the conversation. It's not ‘boys are raised to be toxic.’ It's: ‘boys are raised in a system that defines manhood as the absence of girlhood.’ And that absence is a hollow, lonely thing to build an identity around.

The solution isn't to blame boys or let them off the hook. It's to dismantle the idea that femininity is lesser in the first place. For everyone's sake.

Just some food for thought,

E.H

[bvttercvpdiaries]

Dear Diary,

It is NOT my week-

I just got out of A&E after 4 and a half hours.

What got me through it:

🎧 RAYE’s album: This Music May Contain Hope.

🎮 Blockblast

📱Edits of Jude Bellingham & Erling Haaland

At least I’m alive,

E.H

[bvttercvpdiaries]

Dear Diary,

I work in a pub and tonight there was a fight and I, a nineteen year old girl, had to physically push a man away from another one.

And then I nearly had a panic attack. And then I cried. And the brownie I bought didn’t get eaten because I was too shaken to have it 💔

Back at work tmrw, send help

Pray for me,

E.H

[bvttercvpdiaries]

Dear diary,

Tomorrow is my sisters birthday so of course I made her a card…

Supes proud- I can’t explain how much it looks like her and exudes her vibe-

Not to toot my own horn or anything

P.S the inside is even cuter

That’s all for now,

E.H

[bvttercvpdiaries]

Dear diary,

I don’t have anyone to see Toy Story 5 with 💔

I’m not fussed about going to the cinema alone… but surely alone for a “children’s” movie is weird right?!?!

(I put children’s in “” because I swear they make me cry more then any other kind of film)

Decisions are hard,

E.H

[bvttercvpdiaries]

Dear Diary,

Today in London I went to a magazine shop. It was super cool.

Consequently… these are some magazines/creatives I’ve followed on insta and highly recommend you check them out:

@beautypapersmag (a magazine that explores creativity unapologetically, centering on the culture & art of beauty)

@merde_magazine (a subversive, satirical, next gen fashion publication - perfect if you’re craving unconventional & raw visual culture)

@artpaperedition (APE) (an independent, award-winning art and photography publishing platform: “the book as an exhibition space,” stripping back commercial publishing tropes, for it to be guided by raw, tactile instinct)

And also the photographer

@carlarossi__

Because she created this masterpiece of a cover for APE:

INSANE.

Some people are just so talented I’m speechless

More London posts to come,

E.H

[bvttercvpdiaries]

Dear Diary,

I’m on the train to London right now.

My current train listen is:

(the whole album… it’s my fav)

See you soon,

E.H

[bvttercvpdiaries]

Dear diary,

My current art obsession is Evelina Silver's "DIRTY MINDED" series that is under construction.

She documents her progress on her TikTok @evelinasilverart

When I stumbled across her on my FYP I followed immediately. The video was her painting a girl spitting out toothpaste. Just a simple, everyday task. But for women, there's this hyper-awareness that creeps in - the way so many mundane actions get sexualised by boys (yes I'll call them boys, even if they are 50yrs old, they only earn "man" when they respect women and don't sexualise us) that we end up feeling uncomfortable in our own routines.

She started this series almost by accident, after realising how people misinterpreted her painting as sexual. And when her comments were flooded by women (& lots of them) sharing that same experience, she started to create a whole series of different paintings. Everyday normal moments that are unfortunately sexualised, making women uncomfortable.

One of the worst parts is the fact that almost every woman has a story like that.

For me, it was my school uniform. The one I had to wear five days a week, every week, until I was seventeen. I'd be out in it and just constantly aware, hyper-vigilant, of people looking at me, knowing that some men were sexualising it, and that I had absolutely no control over that.

A piece of clothing I was legally required to wear, and it made me a target.

You want proof? Just look at Halloween. One of the most popular "sexy" costumes for women every single year is the schoolgirl outfit - pleated skirt, knee-highs, pigtails and all. Grown women dressing as children, repackaged for the male gaze. It's so insidious that most people don't even question it anymore.

This is part of a much bigger, deeply fucked-up pattern. The way women's bodies are commodified and policed doesn't happen by accident, it's manufactured. Body trends are dictated by a handful of privileged, influential men - mostly rich, old, white, and overwhelmingly conservative. Think Trump, think the men in parliament, think the executives and gatekeepers who decide what's desirable. Right now, Hollywood's ideal is to be stick-thin. To be so lean that you lose any semblance of womanly curves and start to resemble something closer to a child. It's not a coincidence. The through-line is the same: the male gaze wants us small, pliable, and juvenile. Anything that signals womanhood - softness, fullness, maturity - gets cycled out and pathologised until the next trend comes along.

It's exhausting. It's degrading. And it's so deeply embedded in the culture that we're taught to participate in it before we even understand what's happening. That's why Evelina's series hits so hard. Because she's naming something we've all lived but rarely see articulated out loud.

The series drops in August, and you better believe I'll be there supporting and buying some prints. The meaning behind the paintings alone would be enough to sell me, never mind how talented and beautiful the work actually is.

Thoughts welcome,

E.H

[bvttercvpdiaries]

Dear diary,

How do I make lines on here centred?

like the stuff with the ⋆ ˚｡ ⋆ ｡˚ ⋆ ☆ ❀ ˚｡

you can see in my pinned navigation post

I've tried for hours but I just can't get it right but I know there's a way because other people do it

Send help,

E.H

[bvttercvpdiaries]

Dear diary,

Yesterday I watched The Sheep Detectives with my friends.

I cried.

Forever a winter lamb,

E.H

[bvttercvpdiaries]

Dear diary,

Today I made a Tumblr account because apparently consuming media wasn't enough. Now I need to document it too.

I'm not entirely sure what belongs here yet...

Thoughts about magazines I couldn't set down, songs I can't stop listening to, films that leave me staring at the credits wondering 'what the heck did I just watched and when can I watch it again?!' Articles, essays, poetry, paintings, podcasts, fashion, theatre- just about everything and anything that happens to linger in my mind for longer than a New York minute.

A place to keep track of what I'm consuming, what I'm loving, what I'm questioning, and what conclusions I happen to come to in the middle of showering.

But I also hope it becomes a conversation.

Filled with recommendations, disagreements, discussions, other peoples favourites that might become my own. I hope I'm challenged. I hope I change my mind about things. I hope I'm introduced to things I never would have found on my own

For now, though, this is the first entry, the first invitation...

That's all for now,

E.H