making a better me

✨Jess, 25. USA✨

[bxttxrjxss]

I need to start wearing a rubber band again. I need to learn to stop talking. I feel like the only way I’ll ever really learn is to undergo major behavioral modification treatment, probably using some kind of corporal punishment. I’m picturing something akin to A Clockwork Orange. Force me to be quiet. Teach me to never speak. My brain’s already too loud, but it’s not like talking actually accomplishes anything. Nothing I say is important, it’s just rambling, so why do I always talk so much? Why can’t I learn to shut up?

[bxttxrjxss]

If I didn’t talk all day, I wonder if anyone would notice or care. If I stopped texting my friend, I wonder if she would reach out to me. Why do I always have to be the one to put in the effort?

[bxttxrjxss]

Why can’t I own an elliptical? I’ll never be a runner but walking doesn’t do anything. I hate that I feel like my only option is to just eat less and less because I’ll never be able to workout as much as I need to. ... But then I keep eating anyway. Time to start cutting out food groups again, I guess.

[bxttxrjxss]

It's official. I'm finally going to get down to 97 lbs. I can't live like this anymore. I eat way too much and my fitness is terrible. I can't change how annoying I am or the length of my legs but I can get down to 97 lbs. I can do it. I have to.

[tiffkyu]

[bxttxrjxss]

My world is turning into numbers and ratios again...

[troianyustman]

Recovery is not something you just achieve and then you never have to look back, it is a constant choice

Troian Bellisario (via troianyustman)

[bxttxrjxss]

I have to make my legs longer. I don't care how much weight I have to lose, I have to make them look longer. I looks absolutely ridiculous right now and I hate it. I look like an out-of-proportion cartoon character. I look inhuman. I am totally out of proportion. I need to lose 15 lbs., lengthen my legs, get a breast reduction, and learn to put on makeup. I hate my body right now.

[bxttxrjxss]

I was talking about downtown today and saw this kid get verbally “disciplined” by his father in public. This kid was manhandles across the street, almost thrown to the ground on this patch of grass, and then yelled at so violently that people a block away turned to see what was going on. I don’t think of my own father as verbally/emotionally abusive but watching this kid be publicly scolded like that really struck a cord with me. My dad never did anything publicly but he would yell a lot when I was younger. It was scary at the time. ... It’s been over 12 years since I’ve heard yelling like that and yet I feel like I experienced it all secondhand today through a kid who may be going home to be physically abused too. ... There’s no reason that I should feel like this 3 hours later, but I’m still so on-edge. ... I really don’t understand why anyone would choose to have children when they obviously have no parental bone in their body.

[bxttxrjxss]

it’s been almost a year since I purged last but sometimes I’ll eat something really heavy and unhealthy (like the 5 brownies I just ate) and start to think “... hmm, what if i got rid of these.”

[bxttxrjxss]

My goal HR for workouts is 180. I stayed above that (and hit 200!) for 30 minutes on the elliptical today. Super proud of myself. If only I could go to the gym everyday.

[pinkblushcakes-deactivated20181]

[bxttxrjxss]

Even after not visiting the dentist for 2 years and purging almost everyday for almost a year, I found yesterday that I have NO cavities! I am so thrilled. 

[kugurii]

Kimi no na wa + Food

[petitcho]

[troiantroian]

[aspoonfuloflissi]