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05.07.2019
It’s been a very long time since I have written. Very simply put, I haven’t wanted to dredge up the heartache over that word. In the last two years, I’ve told myself over and over that it doesn’t have to be what I write about. I’ve tried so hard to convince myself that April 1, 2017, is over. Done. Never happening again. That’s true. All three of those are fact. However, it happens to me all over again nearly everyday because I still feel it. If I close my eyes and think about it, I can smell the…. (this is where the tears have started)… so smell. Yeah, I can still smell that burnt electrical stench. I can see it, my home, fully engulfed in smoke and fire. I still feel like my heart is shattering a little more every time I think about it. To top all of the heartbreak I have of my own, there’s Landon’s. My God. Have you ever slept in the same room as your child as they cried themselves to sleep…..every single night for 9 months?
He slept on an air mattress for 9 months and some odd days. I offered him the bed, but he wouldn’t take it. His response, “No, you’re sick and you should be comfortable.” He was 8 years old. He shouldn’t have to deal with ANY of this.
That’s it. That’s why I haven’t written. It’s not my heart that chokes me up; it’s Landon’s. As I am writing this, I’m sitting in Starbucks. The thought of the next three words brought tears.
I feel GUILTY.
I know things that have happened to him…us… our ENTIRE family… They’re things we cannot control. The overused, underrated phrase, “You can’t control what happens, but you can control how you respond” races through my mind often. It’s what I’ve used to build Landon back up over the last 2 years. …and of course:
God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
…but I am human. It still hurts. All of it. I can’t even properly elaborate on my guilt right now because this has me far too torn up inside.
I just want to be a great mom and example to Landon. I want him to feel happy and fulfilled. I want him to ALWAYS trust that God has a plan for him. …& I want to live as long as I possibly can in hopes of seeing that plan unfold.
I’ve detoured from what I intended to write. Again… fear and guilt. I will continue to process everything and have faith. I will continue. I will get it all out. Even though it’s painful,
it’s so hard to let it all go.