just passed my thesis defense. i am officially a Master of the Fine Arts :)
I'd rather be in outer space šø

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Not today Justin

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@cafestalker
just passed my thesis defense. i am officially a Master of the Fine Arts :)
a spring poem. by me.
Emily Dickinson, from a poem in a letter to Susan Huntington featured in "Open Me Carefully,"
lazy grad girl dinner. gin tonic.
not pictured: the subsequent cigarette.
i want to make my own travelers journal so bad. i keep seeing such cool journaling setups on tiktok and now iāve fallen into an obsession.
like youāre telling me i could have all my notebooks in one custom bundle instead of carrying around three separate notebooks?
3/27/26
i have submitted my first complete thesis draft to my director! finished over an espresso martini with my cohort girlies.
itās a weight off my shoulders but i know im not done yet <3 lots of editing to do going forward. lots of reading and studying in preparation for my defense too.
i swear iām going to end up a chainsmoker by the time graduation comes around.
9/3/25
exhausting week.
i feel like iām already falling behind, but Iām determined to keep my head above water this semester. iāll adjust to the routine soonāis what i tell myself.
despite financial anxieties, my oppressively growing to-do list, and the fact that i canāt seem to sleep like a normal healthy human: iām eating alright, my friends are keeping me positive, and iām ever so thankful to be here.
going to skim the readings today. sometimes perfection is unattainable, getting it done at all is whatās important.
8/27/25
the first academic week of my last year in grad school is now finished :)
tomorrow i have a training shift at my new job, then iāll go to the big main branch of the city library to read and complete assignments for next weekās classes and (try) to start writing my thesis.
on Friday i want to see āhoney, donātā with my roommate. and this weekend i might go home to visit my grandmother and cousin.
waiting on the book i requested from the library to arrive, and hoping that waking up gets easier, eventually.
second day of class. i forgot my glasses. everything blurs at the edges.
with every failed delusion, a little part of my soul is chipped away.
how long until I am just a fragment? how do I know I'm not already?
I can't help but lose myself in these reveries.
I can't help but fade a little more with every disappointment.
someday, after retreating to my garden I will swallow daisy seeds and become eternity.
maybe you will make a bouquet to sit on your kitchen table, to admire while you have your morning coffee.
I hope they are beautiful and long-lasting, and I hope you never know who sent them.
you wanna end my reign of terror so bad it makes you look stupid
Her
I saw a beautiful girl today.Ā In her, I saw everything I wish I could see in myself.
She wore a simple dark green blouse of a sleek and shimmery fabric, like silk. It was tucked into a black faux leather skirt that she made appear elegant rather than provocative.
She walked the way confident people walk, with her back straight, no hunch in her shoulders like that in mine. Her boots were clean and polished and she was reading a book as she walked.
Yes, reading as she walked, unbothered as if the world would bend around her gait. I think it did, in a way. My world warped like spacetime tunnel vision the moment I saw her bright red lips and a small, unconscious smile.
Her, in a world all of her own.
I canāt decide if I want to be her or love her.
observations
I. The kind of guy who starts a deep conversation with complete strangers in a coffee shop.
That's what he's doing now. The young woman sitting on the couch next to him is laughing but trying to hide it. She is writing. Is she a journalist? A student?Ā She asks a question. The man answers. He is dark-skinned and wearing clothes stained with paint. His baseball cap is crumpled on his head as if it doesn't quite fit right. He is talking enthusiastically, with his hands. He enjoys talking. The young woman is a good listener, but much more reserved, only subtle movements show her engagement.
II. Three old, white men.
On the opposite side of the room are two old men with newspapers. They know each other, that much is obvious, they carry on a conversation about everything and nothing. Politics and a crossword puzzle. One last man, another acquaintance perhaps, sits at the table nearby reading a book of poetry, a green coat is thrown across the seat next to him. He has the lightest hair of all the men, and he's wearing casual clothing. He occasionally tears his attention away from his book, and, not moving his eyes, makes a comment on the conversation of the other two men.
The conversation between the two talking men wanes, and the man with the book puts it down. It's finished. He turns to the four women at the other end of the large table.
III. Comparing the passing of a tax bill to sausage.
"You don't watch legislature made, just like you don't watch sausage made, you just get the result." Says the old man with the book.
"But if the sausage is poisoned," says one of the women at the other end of the large table, "you have to fix it, and thatās what weāre trying to do." She makes a gesture to the three other women at the table. She is also old, but not quite as old as the three men, she has short hair and small oval glasses.
"But like that sausage, you won't know it's poisoned until you get it."
"We saw the poison being added," said the woman. "We know it's poisoned." The man with the book put on his green coat and left.
IV. little boys and little girls
The enthusiasticĀ man and the young writing woman are still chatting away. The young woman is smiling, but trying to hide it, she is amused. The man turns to the two old men with new papers and says, "what are little girls made of?"
The two men reply, "sugar and spice and everything nice."
"What are little boys made of?"
"Piss and vinegar."