hello

darknessmyoldfriend

[szampers]

these are single-handedly the most uncomfortable tables i have ever read it is ridiculously detailed. scared me off the first time i'd read it

Schizoid personality disorder - Wikipedia

this is the strongest reaction ever gotten out of me by a wikipedia article

[schizoid-culture-is]

Schizoid culture is being told "I missed you" constantly and not knowing how to answer. You just lie and say "I missed you too!" When you couldn't give a shit. I'm sorry but I don't miss people. I didn't miss you. I don't mind talking with you, it's entertaining. I still have empathy I just, don't miss people I'm sorry. I wish I could connect like others do but I don't.

-

[caffeineandadream]

Exactly. On my solo trips back to the states, I didn't miss my husband. And I tried to pretend to miss him, because I knew I should, but it didn't work. I didn't even miss my kid. I couldn't even be bothered to fake tears over it.

[wedarkacademia]

“A mother and a daughter — what a terrible combination of feelings and confusion and destruction. Everything is possible and is done in the name of love and solicitude. The mother’s injuries are handed down to the daughter. The mother’s failures are paid for by the daughter. The mother’s unhappiness will be the daughter’s unhappiness. It’s as if the umbilical cord had never been cut.”

~ Autumn Sonata

[caffeineandadream]

This made me frown. Deeply.

[schizoid-culture-is]

SzPD culture is being upset by something, and not telling anyone, and feeling superior because of it because "SEE not bothering other people with your bullshit isn't that hard" despite actually really wanting to talk about it, which makes you feel even more superior when you don't

-🪻

-

[caffeineandadream]

Hit the nail on the head why don't you.

[caffeineandadream]

Thought of the day:

How am I meant to desire a relationship with a god I can't see or touch or hear when I can't even manage it with *people who don't leave me the fuck alone.*

Honestly. Those expectations were never going to be met. Just another nail in the coffin.

[caffeineandadream]

Me, to myself: ooooo I'm so unique and interesting and - Shut up bitch, you can't make friends and small talk is painful, you're not winning.

Me, later: ooooooo I'm so unique and interesting.....

[zoidcrow]

Schizoid people are overtly detached, yet they describe in therapy a deep longing for closeness and compelling fantasies of intimate involvement. They appear self-sufficient, and yet anyone who gets to know them well can attest to the depth of their emotional need. They can be absent-minded at the same time that they are acutely vigilant. They may seem completely nonreactive, yet suffer an exquisite level of sensitivity. They may look affectively blunted while internally coping with what one of my schizoid friends calls “protoaffect,” the experience of being frighteningly overpowered by intense emotion. They may seem utterly indifferent to sex while nourishing a sexually preoccupied, polymorphously elaborated fantasy life. They may strike others as unusually gentle souls, but an intimate may learn that they nourish elaborate fantasies of world destruction.

McWilliams (2006)

[caffeineandadream]

I wish my parents had had more kids.

Two, and now just me.

I would love to spread my mother's expectations around a little more. Let someone else be the talkative, outgoing, friendly child that lives up to her standards. Then I could be the black sheep.

Instead I get to lie and act and pretend. What would it be like to have a relationship with your parents where you can just be you?

Why bother having kids if you are just going to shame them for wanting to live their life their way?

[ritikajyala]

...My mother loves me and there is nothing more to say. I love my mother and there is nothing more to say. I pray and pray that I don't become her someday, and there is nothing more to say.

-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The Flesh I Burned

(source)

[caffeineandadream]

I think 'oh yes, I'd like a friendship. Let me pick... You. We will be friends.'

Then two days later 'fuck no. Hell no. Shit no. I can barely handle my own issues, much less all of yours. If I give you an ounce more of my effort, there will be none left to live off of.'

So no. I don't have friends. My husband is the most unproblematic human ever and I still forget to ask him how he is. He's all I can manage. Everyone else can fuck off.

[dividedego]

i think what holds me back from interacting more with whatever attempts at schizoid "communities" exist in different pockets of the internet is that, frankly, y'all are so so so whiny. so fucking whiny. everything is negative, everything is meaningless, look how much it sucks for me, look how pointless it all is, look at me being apathetic and finding no enjoyment in anything, i dont even try, misanthropy etc etc.

i get it, szpd sure sucks sometimes, you wish you weren't constructed like this. and i get that a large part of it is the fact that people in general tend to focus on and remember negative things, but good lord. did you know szpd is the only personality disorder that doesn't require clinical distress? you can live your own solitary life, doing your own thing, making your own habits, creating your own meaning, connecting in the ways you feel comfortable and isolating yourself to the extent you need, and be absolutely fine with it. happy even, dare i say vibing. getting there takes work from you, requires you to take a good hard look at yourself from time to time, but nothing in this disorder implies that healthy coping is some fucking pie in the sky or whatever. you can be fine.

it sounds harsh, but someone has to say it: presuming you're mature enough to do so, you need to accept the cards you've been given and make the most of it to the best of your ability. learn what your limits are, try to expand them if possible, bear the burden of your own personal growth. that is your responsibility. yours.

[caffeineandadream]

Amen. Sacrilege. But yes.

[schizoidthoughts]

Wanting nothing in life & literally having zero interests or goals is surprisingly so alienating like why do I get the someone is too mentally ill look & not the wow you're so cool look like all movies promised.

Not caring is so cool until u really don't care & then you're weird ig

[caffeineandadream]

Right?

Where is my badge of not giving a fuck?

[caffeineandadream]

Course I don't ask for help, not when the pleas of my youth were met with anger for having a need.

Course I don't share my actual thoughts, not when my teenage ideas where met with screaming and punishment. Not when I was made to feel like a burden for having ideas that went against those of the person I was speaking to.

Course I run from emotional conversations; why would I want to be yelled at and degraded for feeling something, anything?

I realize my circumstances are different now. But the wiring of my brain refuses to change. I'm stuck.

[celecaster-deactivated20231105]

/* Old document. This was originally formatted for Instagram, hence the square pages + nine page limit [ +1 for the cover ] so do forgive if the font is a bit small or some of the explanations had to be condensed!

My goal was an overview of ScPD that delved deeper than just surface-level behaviours, while still being “short and sweet” enough to be understandable even without having read a lot of schizoid literature. There are some comparisons to BPD and NPD to give a clearer understanding of how ScPD splitting works by comparison, but BPD/NPD are not the primary focus of the document. Title was taken from this paper.

The character on the cover is my schizoid webcomic character, Jacques. He isn’t really relevant to the post, I just used an image as a cover so it wouldn’t look weird on the preview on Instagram.

As always, these are mere frameworks and each individual can have their own experiences that are not 1:1 as described here.

Anything that needs further clarification or correction, please message or append in a reblog!

Transcript and additional references below the readmore. */

Keep reading

[yaybadluck]

My jam since accepting the fact that I have a schizoid personality: The incredible feeling of liberation I get from ghosting people I pretended to care about for years

[caffeineandadream]

Recently stopped bothering to message people just because it seems like the 'neighborly' thing to do. So much less stress. And sure, maybe they fucking hate me cause I abandoned our 'friendship' but it didn't do anything for me anyways, so who cares?

[old-school-romantics]

-Abdulsamad S. M.

[diamondshapedcat]

SZPD is just the worst

SZPD is that feeling in your heart where you know that there should be something there, some part of you that makes all the socialising decisions and brings all the energy needed to make connections and it's not there. You don't know what it's supposed to be or how it works, you just know that there's a hole that can't be filled.

And the worst part is that you can't talk about it because no one understands. There's a bar that's so low that most people can jump over without realising that it exists and people with szpd can't get past it. Ask any psychologist and they will say one of two things: I haven't heard of that before or I can't help you because I don't know how to. There is no cure, there is no treatment. Hell there isn't any real research being done because it's so rare.

To interact with the world it feels like you need at least some skill in making social connections and if you can't make that happen it feels like you don't belong anywhere and you don't really count as human.

I know that human connections are one of the most important things in this world so why don't I care about them?

[caffeineandadream]

.... We'd make great villains? That doesn't help, does it?