(Another vent type thing)
I have never felt loved romantically. Not really.
See what I feel is loved, is the bare minimum.
I felt loved when a boy who used me for my body told me “you are the most beautiful person I’ve seen, don’t let anyone ever tell you differently”
And when my ex who did things to me while I slept, I felt loved when he rubbed my back until I fell asleep.
I felt loved when a girl who put me as a place holder for my best friend would close her eyes and hug me, now that I think about it she was probably imagining me as him.
Most importantly with the relationship I am currently in, I feel loved when they don’t make me pay money for gas that involved a plan they made.
I have always been the lover, I make lists of why I love them, remember their favorite color and then buy them a crystal in that color,
I make playlists that they will never listen to, and I draw portraits that they will never hang up.
What did I do to not deserve that love? What did I do to make it so insufferable to just..love me?
I have been authentically myself, I have changed myself entirely. And either way it goes worse for me.
Just once I want someone to rub my back because I have chronic pain and they do not want me to suffer, for once I want to receive a list of reasons of why I am a enjoyable person.
To be the person they cannot wait to hold...
But I know that is unattainable, for I am only meant to love, not to be reciprocated.
So I will pay the gas, I will hold, and I will rub their back.
But when I take my last breath, and fade away from this world, do not pretend that you loved me the way I loved you.
tangentwithtanner
yousharknotpass
snowghoul
origamiaround
areudirty
janainaart
prguitarman
