LET ME SING !

I'VE  NEVER  HAD  DREAMS  .    ONLY  NIGHTMARES  .

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Harrington’s Pie and Mash 31/3/2015

[cagesafer]

sanctamater     »     the  earth’s  weight  is  pressed  to  her  ribs  .  

 WHAT SORT OF CHILD CONSIDERED COMFORT A HARM ? Weaned on nothing but POISON and little half truths. Pain spasming across world weary features as she melted; fingers pressed against wrist ever so lightly before withdrawing with nary a squeeze. The girl was FRAGILE: porcelain made to crack at the slightest tremor ( she could come out of the flames stronger. She could rebuild. ), the gentlest of breezes. Folded back in on herself like PAPER, hands fiddling with the fabric of her skirt, twisting like SERPENTS in her lap. Steely gaze fixated upon her ward and she took a breath, felt chest heave: baby steps. Baby steps. It will come in time. I WANT NOTHING SAVE FOR HER WELL-BEING. So she’d declared upon the stand, so she attempted to hold fast to. YOU WERE TAUGHT TO BE AFRAID OF THE WORLD: I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU THE BOOKS TO FLY. The choice is yours.

  “And why should they bother you? Why should anything that they think or say hold you so?” Tongue clicking against the roof of her mouth, throat suddenly dry. I KNOW ABOUT WHISPERS. Spotlight and a magnifying glass turned on bright upon a child. “People will always talk, my dear. It just so happens there is… A lot of attention on you. Not all of it is good: that is how the world is. We can beat it, Johanna. Together.”

there’s  a  fleeting  lull  in  her  responses  as  she  assesses  the  set  of  circumstances  before  her.  she  falls  eerily  quiet,  her  breathing  finally  beginning  to  regulate  itself.  such  has  been  the  way  with  johanna  ever  since  the  trial    ––    she  would  have  periods  of  frenzy  and  fever,  which  would  then  be  followed  by  spells  of  calmness  and  solemnity,  and  with  virtually  no  warning  as  to  when  which  bout  would  engulf  her,  even  she  was  taken  by  surprise.  it  was  no  way  to  live,  that  was  something  that  she  had  decided  early  on:  and  so  she  only  grows  more  determined  by  the  day  to  reverse  the  damage  that  her  former  guardian  had  caused.  it’s  easier  said  than  done,  however,  and  quite  the  toll  has  been  taken  already  on  the  ward.

❛        it  shouldn’t,  i  know  that  it  shouldn’t  bother  me,  but  it’s  so  difficult.  it’s  difficult  to  ignore  all  they  say  and  think  when  there’s  so  many  of  them.        ❜                defeat  has  permeated  her  features  already,  weary  words  speaking  volumes.  yet  just  like  that,  the  older  woman’s  resolve  proves  contagious,  and  the  young  blonde  is  slowly  straightening,  dewy  eyes  moving  to  catch  amelia’s.  gentle  nod  is  given,  with  as  much  confidence  that  jo  can  muster.                ❛        thank  you.  for  everything  that  you’ve  done  for  me.  that  you  continue  to  do  for  me.        ❜

[cagesafer]

sanctamater     »     the  earth’s  weight  is  pressed  to  her  ribs  .  

  “THEN YOU CANNOT. WHAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU TRY.” Softly, gently; but not without STEEL. A seemingly infinite well of patience, of understanding, that had yet to be bled dry: she’d not let it. Why berate the girl for something that had been learned? TRAIN UP A CHILD IN THE WAY HE SHOULD GO, AND EVEN WHEN HE IS OLD HE WILL NOT DEPART FROM IT. Fingers gently wrapped around a frail wrist: found her pulse, felt it beat sure and fast and strong. “And perhaps one day, with enough trying, you will be able to do it. All you can do is try. And try again.”

  A soft smile lingered upon expression; warming gunmetal eyes and the tired, but proud, way she seemed to carry herself; hand roving to squeeze the girl’s shoulder gently. “Take a deep breath, like this – “ Inhale, exhale; chest rising and falling with agonising slowness. “We can try together, yes?”

uncertainty  fills  her  tearful  gaze,  jumping  slightly  at  the  contact  made.  she  is  bird - boned,  a  girl  made  of  glass:  yet  when  she  realises  it’s  not  a  hostile  gesture,  one  of  ill  intention,  jo  visibly  relaxes.  chest  still  aches  as  her  heart  races,  but  she  is  at  least  able  to  reassure  herself  that  she  is  not  in  harm’s  way.  not  now.  she  has  only  known  the  senator’s  wife  for  a  few  weeks  at  most,  yet  she  feels  almost  indebted  to  her.  amelia  has  already  done  so  much  to  help  the  lark  wrap  her  head  around  the  outside  world,  a  feat  johanna  had  only  ever  dreamed  of  in  her  early  years.

❛        i’m    ...    i’m  scared  of  what  everyone  might  think.        ❜                whispered  is  her  response,  as  though  ashamed  of  the  fears  that  fester.  the  reaction  of  the  general  public  and  of  the  media  has  been  entirely  overwhelming  for  her,  and  it  has  not  exactly  been  positive.    she  sometimes  feels  as  though  nothing  has  changed  for  her  but  the  nature  of  her  cage.

[timetraveldean]

[cagesafer]

seraphids     »     a  wounded  deer  leaps  the  highest  .

    a songbird’s cry  ;  no longer melodious tunes crooning from beyond gilded bars. they are frantic screeches ,  a caged bird sings in it’s own rebellion  ;  for it’s wings shall not embark but it’s song shall , maddening wishes ripped from the throat  ,  prevailing as it’s freedom tantalizes so close , an outstretch  ;  SO CLOSE TO REACH  !    they offer no solace , the words that leave her lips , for they are fruitless  :  too much or too little they belie the uncertainty dwindling in her gentle gaze   (   she cannot bear to think , she herself has repeated those same words with guilt leaving acridity upon the tongue , a welling feeling of remorse festering within an ethereal soul  :   his smile would make the sun envious   &   she would soak in his warmth as one would the  sun’s rays.   viridian gaze ,  a boyish smile ,  memories of child laughter chimes evoked , violin melodies their lullaby.   but the soul cannot be deceived.    )    there is a veneer ‘pon your heart , it is constructed of glass .  cracks visible on the surface , scratches on such a fragile thing ,  with fear all consuming , the cause of such imperfections mingled with stifled woes.

  lithe  digits interlock with  hers ,  a comfort and consolation as she speaks her concern , genuine  &  released  as a gentle lure   ❛   it is not my place to judge nor speak of anthony ,  i do not know him nor do i believe there is a malicious intent in his body , nor is he capable of one.   ❜   she begins , a drawl as slow as honey dripping from her maw at the momentary truncation of her speech.  tongue darts to rewet lips , careful.  oh so careful you must be , tentatively creeping where a predator prowls  ;  so quick to make herself the prey if it guarantees ones salvation.     ❛   yet  , i believe for your safety  and to put your heart at ease , you should stay here. with me.  amongst the opera you can easily blend and he shan’t find you.  it will be like when we were younger  !    ❜    gaiety coats her words , in hopes to turn a dour mood more jovial , shifting upon the duvet of her dressing room ;  adorning a quirk of her lips in a soft smile    ❛   think of it  !  i do promise you will be safe and sound.  i am making a solid oath to you.    ❜

❛        do  you  really  mean  it  ?        ❜                breathless  query  is  punctuated  with  the  widening  of  bloodshot  eyes  ,    her  hold  on  christine’s  hands  tightening  more  than  she  means  to  .    she  fears  that  it’s  childish  of  her  to  believe  so  naïvely  that  turpin  won’t  be  able  to  discover  her  ,    hidden  in  the  opera  house    ––    he  finds  her  so  easily  in  all  of  her  nightmares  ,    after  all  .    yet  there’s  something  convincing  in  the  swede’s  good  nature  :    something  almost  contagious  .    a  ghost  of  a  smile  comes  to  trembling  lips  ,    and  for  the  first  time  in  a  long  time  ,    johanna  feels  an  inkling  of  hope  blossom  in  her  chest  .    with  an  old  friend  by  her  side  ,    and  a  charming  sailor  wanting  only  to  help  ,    why  should  she  not  finally  feel  comfortable  ?

and  just  like  that  ,    everything  suddenly  spins  on  its  heel  ,    and  she’s  once  again  adopted  an  air  of  anxiety  .                ❛        but  i  would  hate  to  endanger  anybody  !    you  don’t  know  what  he’s  capable  of    .  .  .    his  power  seems  to  know  no  end  .    i  couldn’t  bear  it  if  any  harm  came  to  anyone  here  because  of  me  .        ❜                she  has  been  trying  so  hard  to  fix  herself  .    to  put  all  the  pieces  of  herself  back  together  .    a  difficult  task  when  she  has  no  idea  which  pieces  are  missing  anymore  .                ❛        i’m  sure  anthony  has  a  plan  for  us  .    he  has  gotten  us  this  far  ,    hasn’t  he  ?        ❜                the  only  person  she’s  speaking  for  now  is  herself  ,    trying  hopelessly  and  fruitlessly  to  reassure  herself  .

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Babe, there’s something wretched about this Something so precious about this…

[wordsnquotes]

I was quiet, but I was not blind.

Jane Austen, Mansfield Park (via wordsnquotes)

[cagesafer]

❛        what  if    .  .  .    what  if  i  can’t  do  it  ?        ❜

voice  is  barely  above  a  whisper  as  her  stare  practically  bores  a  hole  in  the  wall  she  faces  ,    fingers  wringing  .    a  beat  passes  in  silence  ,    allowing  for  her  nerves  to  heighten  .    strange  ,    how  she  seems  to  have  slept  worse  the  past  few  days  than  the  past  sixteen  years  :    she’s  fearful  that  it’s  all  for  a  dream  ,    for  it’s  certainly  too  good  to  be  true  !

it’s  a  minor  task  ,    johanna  doesn’t  doubt  that  ,    but  she’s  grateful  that  amelia  is  understanding    ––    and  so  generous  ,    too  .    she  didn’t  know  such  kindness  existed  until  they  had  met  !    what  scares  her  is  what  might  happen  to  her  when  that  kindness  dries  out  .    what  then  ?

blows  @sanctamater  a  kiss  even  though  i  hate  her  !

[inacatastrophicmind]

[kyc1994]

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Lindsey Stirling | Song of the Caged Bird

[cagesafer]

@starsmarked     (    elizabeth  !    )     »     the  girl  is  the  flame  .

she  doesn’t  mean  to  stare    ––    really  ,    she  doesn’t  !    ––    she  knows  how  uncomfortable  it  can  be  ,    how  the  unwanted  attention  can  get  under  a  person’s  skin  .    but  she  does  it  without  meaning to  sometimes  ,    when  someone  interesting  has  caught  her  eye  :    accustomed  is  she  to  sitting  up  in  her  tower  ,    gazing  down  at  the  people  passing  by    (    far  enough  away  so  that  they  don’t  quite  realise  she’s  watching    )    that  it  doesn’t  dawn  on  her  until  observant  eyes  meet  her  own  ,    and  she  quickly  drops  her  gaze  ,    heat  suddenly  spreading  to  her  face  in  embarrassment  .

❛        SORRY  ,    I’M  ,    UH    .  .  .    SORRY  .        ❜

[cagesafer]

@mortalspark​     »     continued  !

the crossed arms strain shortly; eyebrows raise too in something crossing in the middle of both a question and disbelief. the young woman went through enough trouble in the first stages of her life, without a doubt, and to hear her dream being vocalized like this … it saddens even a man like frederick, who barely has it in him to relate to others in an appropriate and well-nuanced manner. no matter that the phrasing tugs at the corner of his lips; nearly letting something reminiscent of a smile, a laugh, shine through.

“not to underestimate all the glory this daydream may hold, but wouldn’t you want something else? something more?”

it  fails  to  cross  her  mind  that  such  a  statement  might  be  alarming  to  most  when  considering  the  conditions  in  which  she  was  raised  :    though  johanna  was  simply  trying  to  lighten  the  mood  .    realisation  strikes  at  frederick’s  response  ,    and  she  gives  a  small  chuckle  of  her  own  ,    cheeks  reddening  .

❛        well  now  ,    of  course  i  do  !    satellite  tv  is  still  quite  a  marvel  ,    though  ,    isn’t  it  ?        ❜                laughter  increases  ,    fingers  fidgeting  with  themselves  .    an  odd  daydream  ,    perhaps    ––    but  it’s  one  she  experienced  more  often  than  anyone  would  like  to  know  .

[aphrodeiti]

Do you ever become desensitized to your own trauma?? Like you’ve been dealing with it for so long that when you accidentally let it slip out in conversation and the persons like “um oh my god?” You’re like wow I forgot my life has been one unspeakable horror after another #noted

[hoopskirtsociety]

ca.1840s

[liberalfartsdegree]

list of things im handling well currently

1.

[cagesafer]

seraphids·     »     a  wounded  deer  leaps  the  highest  .

    WORDS DIE INTO UNSETTLING SILENCE ,  careful descry of her friend’s actions , the heave of her chest  ; the quiver of her lip  and indecisive motion of her eyes. oh you are trying to find refuge amidst demons which lurk with ferocity lively in their look  &  awaiting to grab with punctured claws , to ensnare the little bird who sings the laments of longing for freedom , a  taste of salvation , a taste of deliverance from a wicked reality.  but she has always turned to the holy sanctuary.  a chapel where her father’s picture lay beneath a candle where she would be adamant to light the wick , to say her silent prayed woven in lachrymose whispers. to heaven above , for guidance , hope and faith restoring what little remnants of her remained when the dreadful hands of death snatched what she held dear , what made her whole.   (  oh i know , i know.  loneliness has consumed me before my salvation pulled me from the abyss  )   when a taste of heaven was upon her lips  , sweet as nectar and the hymnal of a voice so transcendent , so akin to divinity and the swelling of felicity upon her heart at her angel’s reveal , her angel’s sanctifying touch upon her weakening soul to rekindle  &  breathe life into it once bereft when father died   !   her angel of music  !   (    this childish fallacy .   )  then i tore off the mask.  then my savior turned into my horror.  her demons shall be quieted , as she always has as she always will ;  suffocate them into the chasm for Johanna’s needs are far more superior than her own woes , than her own sorrows. 

     HER HEAD INQUISITIVELY TILTS TO THE SIDE ,   truncation of  speech she herself fills in with her own hushed drawl   ❛   ——   you feel unsafe.   ❜   the lowest honeyed octave, more of a statement than a question as she nods slowly , wandering eye to nowhere in particular   ❛   you are safe here i do give my word , there are many staff members and    - and it is very easy to hide , the opera house is a labyrinth in some ways   ❜   curvature of lips ascending , hoping her words are convincing to settle the uneasiness which pesters her soul  

    ❛    do you        trust anthony mon ami  ?   do you not believe he has your best interest  ?    ❜

A  TRACE  OF  SHAME  LINGERS  IN  HER  EXPRESSION  .    why  should  she  feel  unsafe  ?    she  has  come  so  far  from  her  prison  in  london  ,    and  she  has  arrived  at  her  current  destination  in  a  better  shape  than  what  she  was  in  leaving  england  .    what  cause  is  there  for  the  unease  that  bubbles  in  her  stomach  and  rises  through  her  ribcage  ?    she  knows  the  answer  ,    yet  refuses  to  give  it  any  thought  :    out  of  sight  ,    out  of  mind  ,    out  of  options    ––    but  not  out  of  luck  !    oh  ,    how  fortunate  it  is  that  she’s  found  christine  .    it  seems  so  long  ago  that  little  johanna  ,    perched  in  her  window  ,    gazed  down  at  the  young  girl  and  her  papa  in  the  street  ,    blessing  her  with  their  music  and  their  company  ,    no  matter  how  brief  .

and  now  ,    here  they  are  once  more  :    their  circumstances  vastly  different  from  their  first  encounter  ,    yet  the  ghosts  of  their  younger  years  still  linger  nearby  .    how  she  hopes  life  has  been  more  fortuitous  for  her  companion  !

christine’s  inquiry  startles  johanna  from  her  daze  ,    and  she  practically  jolts  forward  ,    clinging  onto  christine’s  hand  for  dear  life  .                ❛        but  of  course  i  do  !    he  is  perhaps  the  most  generous  and  noble  person  i  know  !        ❜                that  may  not  make  for  the  most  convincing  testament  to  his  character  ,    when  one  considers  how  few  people  the  lark  knows  .                ❛        he  has  shown  me  nothing  but  kindness  and  love  .    yet  i    .  .  .    i  can’t  help  but  feel  that  something  is  wrong  .        ❜                voice  almost  wobbles  as  she  finishes  her  sentence  ,    and  she  prays  christine  won’t  notice  the  slight  tremor  that  runs  through  her  hands  :    what  a  terrible  burden  she  feels  like  !

[cagesafer]

@seraphids​     »     a  wounded  deer  leaps  the  highest  .

  OH WHAT AN AWFUL THING TO SAY ! the horrified gasp elicited sharp  , punctuated it practically rakes her lungs with such a draw of breath. dolor mars her countenance , her heart so wary inclining her head to the side . allowing the silence to surround them in lieu of words , for they have evaded her.  lower lip caught between rows of white in moment’s thoughts , in moment’s deliberation.  she has clung to hope so vehemently , with trembling hands   &  fear it will slip through her fingers of porcelain. but no she is stubborn , she looks to the heavens for guidance   &   at times feels abandoned. but yet she smiles , yet she remains the dawn on the impending darkness to peer and befall the lands.   perhaps she could rekindle any form , any sliver of hope which cowered in the recesses due to cruelty in her dear friend.  nectar upon her tongue she shan’t speak ill , nor match her words with contempt , no it would be unfair.  and hasn’t life been terribly unfair to her already , to both of them   ? (   songbirds who sing their longing of freedom  ! no matter how handsome the cage of confinement they ache. oh but the strings of the heart are being pulled taut. the song in my throat is debilitating.     )

  FORTUITY OF THEIR PATHS FORGED TO MEET  , it must be so  , oh perhaps father has sent her this blessing  !  young ingénue places her hand on the other ,  the gentlest of smile , the softest of dulcet tones    ❛   do not think such a thing.  suffering is temporary  but we learn  and grow from it   ❜   (   liar.  liar  !   )  her thoughts sneer , they taunt , lingering in the borders of her mind.  you suffer with every passing day .  you only hide it.   time does not heal.   ENOUGH CHRISTINE  !    ❛   i give you my word , i solemnly swear i will protect you. i will hide you , we have a vast array of costumes , he will not find you mon ami.  i swear this to you. but do not condemn God nor the heavens for the wickedness that roams this earth  —— ❜    for they are my only hope.

she  is  unaware  of  the  blasphemy  that  flows  freely  from  her  lips  until  her  empty  gaze  falls  upon  christine’s  horrified  expression  .    she  had  been  raised  on  religion  ,    on  tales  of  sinners  and  the  retribution  they  received  :    all  fire  and  brimstone  .    as  a  young  girl  she  believed  blindly    ––    obeyed  the  judge  in  the  hope  that  she  might  be  permitted  to  play  with  the  children  that  ran  amuck  beyond  the  mansion  gates  ,    or  take  a  stroll  in  the  park  across  the  way  .    she  soon  learned  that  to  expect  anything  more  from  him  than  a  slap  across  the  face  or  ,    in  her  later  years  ,    a  nauseating  leer  ,    was  simply  childish  thinking  .    no  ,    religion  has  been  of  no  comfort  to  her  in  her  life  :    how  could  she  believe  in  there  being  a  greater  good  when  she  has  been  wronged  so  often  ,    and  by  a  man  so  pious  as  turpin  pretended  to  be  ?

SHE  VOICES  NONE  OF  THIS  .    she  bows  her  head  instead  ,    almost  as  though  to  apologise  to  christine  for  speaking  ill  of  her  beliefs  .                ❛        your  kindness  knows  no  bounds  .        ❜                she  manages  a  small  smile  ,    gently  squeezing  the  hand  that  rests  upon  her  own  .    how  the  swede  manages  to  holds  such  a  buoyant  perspective  ,    johanna  doubts  she  will  ever  know  .    her  chest  heaves  with  a  heavy  sigh  ,    and  she  can  feel  the  heaviness  that  has  lingered  there  for  the  longest  time  begin  to  fall  away  .            (        is  she  foolish  for  allowing  her  guard  to  fall  ?    will  she  ever  truly  escape  her  cage  ,    or  will  its  furnishings  simply  adapt  ?        )            

❛        i  really  cannot  thank  you  or  your  madame  giry  for  offering  me  refuge  here  .    anthony  would  prefer  i  stay  with  him  ,    but  i    .  .  .        ❜                her  voice  trails  off  as  her  attention  is  lost  :    she  can  feel  herself  fading  from  the  conversation  at  the  very  thought  of  her  former  guardian  .