So many years ago I dreamed of being a mother. I wanted that experience, that life event, so much that at times I felt almost desperate for motherhood. I jumped into relationships that were toxic, gave up myself in pursuit of that want, and told myself again and again to be patient, that one day it was going to happen, that the timing just wasn’t right then. Thankfully, at one point I stopped that pursuit -- it wasn’t healthy, there were other interests I had, and then I became afraid (that I would end up being a mother like my own was) -- and life moved on.
There came a point where I let go of the dream. My primary partner at the time had no interest in having kids or getting married and I wasn’t going to cast aside that love for a chance, a what if that might not ever happen. I’d found happiness without motherhood, had goals to work on, plans for the future, and a furry feline child to spoil again. There were other people I could nurture, myself included, and I didn’t feel that emptiness I thought I might by accepting I wasn’t going to be a mother. I didn’t feel cheated somehow that I wasn’t going to “get” something in life that I’d wanted so much… because my life was full and chaotic enough, because I wasn’t empty.
A life without motherhood was still going to be a great life.
Then Knight came along. The thoughts didn’t change, Knight wasn’t sure about having kids (it was a future maybe when we finally talked about it as we wanted to be in a better financial position and see how we felt in a few years), and by then, to be brutally honest, I didn’t have the same feelings toward that want anymore. I’m older than I was before (duh), I wanted to focus on our finances, and the freedom of not having children had become an odd balm. And then life just went topsy turvy -- I had a breakdown that revealed unmanaged agoraphobia, an increase in anxiety, depression, and paranoia, and resulted in losing my corporate job. Once I was able to start looking for work again it didn’t come easily, either, and I spent three months actively looking for work.
I found that work -- at the small company where I am now and feel so incredibly valued -- and in the same week I started we found out I was pregnant.
It wasn’t an easy pregnancy -- diabetes, high blood pressure, pelvic tearing, muscle spasms, extreme fatigue, aversion to raw meat, and a lot of “morning” sickness in the first trimester and half of the second trimester, and giving up nicotine and caffeine (in the last trimester I allowed myself small amounts of caffeine), being placed on bed rest. And yet… I knew.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant I had this incredible and profound belief that this was it. I had a child growing inside of me and he was going to come out strong and healthy. I was going to be a mother. Knight and I couldn’t -- wouldn’t -- contain the information and at eight weeks pregnant made the announcement to family and friends. We were warned of making such an early announcement because it was still so early in the pregnancy… but I knew. I had such a deep faith and belief that I simply knew. This wasn’t going to be something I had to heal from, that I was going to grieve over. This wasn’t a fluke or the doctor wasn’t going to come back saying they were wrong somehow. From the moment I first saw Love Bug on the sonogram monitor I knew.
I’m sure it sounds silly or unreal, having such a strong conviction of faith to know everything is going to be okay, that I was going against certain odds. It is what it is…
Because now I get to lay in bed at night and watch him sleep. Now I hold onto such strong and powerful memories that have already formed in his (almost) three months of life. I think back to the night in NICU where it was past two in the morning and the overnight nurses let me lightly doze while holding him. To that first moment where Knight is holding him at my shoulder so I could see him for the first time while still on the operating table. To how exhausted we were that first day home, taking him to his pediatrician, and somehow, blindly making our way through the day. To that first smile that wasn’t caused by gas. To the way he falls asleep on my chest, how much he already trusts. To the first holidays with him. To all of those that already love and adore him. How he snuggles into my warmth and how I can calm and quiet him like no one else. How much he loves bath time already and how much I’m looking forward to when he can really enjoy baths.
I’ve embraced and come to terms with my fears… because I am not alone. Because I am not my mother. Because I already know how it feels not to take advantage of every or any opportunity. Because I truly understand now how precious time is and to make the most of what’s given to you. Because all I have to do is look at my son and I know life has miracles, that pure, unconditional love truly does exist. Because while Love Bug will reflect mine (and Knight’s) flaws, he will also show our strengths and love.
No longer do I try to visualize what the future may hold, attempt to predict how patterns will flow, what may or may not happen. No longer do I shadow myself from life.
How can I when I’ve been given such a gift?
There is no soul more important to me than my son, none that I love more.
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