Only Human

But I'm only human And I bleed when I fall down I'm only human And I crash and I break down Your words in my head, knives in my heart You build me up and then I fall apart 'Cause I'm only human, yeah

[ohitschloeandrews-blog]

“You’re smart to. But aren’t those few what makes the job interesting?” Teaching was as much about every day meetings with people as nursing was. Thought from what he’d told her, he didn’t seem to be the biggest people-person around. “Stealth was never my strong suit, so I think we’re both safe.” she grinned a little. There were a number of things she would admit she’d execute poorly. A lack of poker face, not the best coordination, oh yes, and big mouthed. Apparently. Chloe nodded slowly. “I just sounded pretty crazy, I know. Its not often I meet someone that can relate.” She tried to explain, because it didn’t take much to see that he didn’t quite understand her stunned and silent excitement to have found someone who didn’t just stare confused at her while she talked. “Most of my classmates manages to distance themselves, they haven’t been forced to be on the other side of it, they’ve learned not to bring their conscience to work.” Chlo shrugged. Maybe the problem lay with her. Wouldn’t be the first time. 

[caidenxphillips-blog]

“I know. And they’re what make the job somewhat tolerable. Interesting is a stretch.” He would never admit to finding his job interesting, much less the students in his classes. No, he far preferred to at least pretend disdain towards them, even to their faces. “That’s certainly a relief.” He said dryly. He hadn’t been that worried about it, he usually heard people coming. Although there had been a few awkward moments in his office when he was distracted and someone decided to walk in and surprise him. “You don’t sound crazy. Just kind of...” He shrugged, motioning at her face. He had no idea how to describe how she was looking at him, except that it wasn’t really what he’d expected when he said that he understood. “You’ll do it eventually. Not feel.” Everyone did, in his experience. Granted, being a nurse was a little different, but he was pretty sure it happened for them to, for everyone in a profession where death was a frequent caller.

[fightingella]

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[caidenxphillips-blog]

fightingella:

“I will confess to know such weakness.” Ella said primly, a smug look on her face. She never had said that to him, though she imagined it was assumed. But she couldn’t remember the last time she’d actually told someone she loved them. Not since her and Kel were children. “Okay, I’ll keep that in mind. But I might just smother you with a pillow, it’s cleaner.”

“Boo, sports.” Ella said sourly, once the tv flickered to life and it became apparent what Caiden was going for. She shuffled the blankets a bit, shifting under his arm and leaning against his chest. She was already fighting the pull of heavy eyelids, and she knew that had been his intention. She could never stay awake when he did this to her. Not that she could blame him. 

"Great words from such a small person." He said dryly, rolling his eyes at her. He knew better than to ever expect anything more than that. She had nearly as many issues as he did, and he imagined that he'd really only made them worse. It wasn't like he was expressive in his feelings. His main goal was to keep her safe and healthy, as well as moderately happy. "I don't think you could smother me with a pillow."

"The Red Sox are on." He said, settling on the channel with the baseball game. Baseball was a surefire way to get her to sleep. She'd stay awake for a few others, mostly hockey. Something about having to narrate it to a friend when she was still at home. His arm looped around her without thinking, and he mindlessly tucked in a bit of blanket around her waist, then pulled it up to fully cover her shoulders, eyes staying on the TV the whole time.

[fightingella]

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[caidenxphillips-blog]

fightingella:

“God, sometimes it actually hurts how old you are. Like, I’m not changing your old man diapers five years from now, I hope you know that.” She poked his side and shook her head at him. It was just easier sometimes to call him old. Made her feel less like other people were justified in their confusion towards their relationship. 

With a happy hum, Ella looped an arm around his neck, a smug look on her face. She could get him to do just about anything if she gave him the right look. He was a giant sucker, and it always made her laugh at him. And want to torment more and more. 

“Sure you are. Because you love me, brat.” He teased her, then tilted his head. “Actually, if i have to use old man diapers, just shoot me, because at that point I don’t want to live.” That sounded like a terrible life, and he was certainly not above a mercy killing. 

He knew she felt like she’d won, but on the bright side, he’d distracted her from her father and made sure that she was going to take care of herself and go to bed all in one swoop. After all, it was very rare that she could actually stay awake once he got her comfortable on the couch and some sort of sports channel on, which was exactly what he did when they reached the living room.

[caidenxphillips-blog]

ohitschloeandrews:

“You mean you never had to. Trust me, its not voluntary. Neither is love for that matter. Does seem like your students don’t all should receive patience so I guess it works out.” She had to grin a little, such dry humor was impossible not to find funny, at least in her case. Chloe was pretty sure her humor was rather non existent around most strangers. You had to dare be yourself to be funny, or so she had thought. “Ha and don’t you know it. Am I gonna find myself at the other end of a gun if I end up on your bad side? Or seriously knocked down by some masterly kung fu moves?” She was teasing, full well knowing it was morbid to, probably with the topic. Still, for once, she didn’t triple check her every word to make sure she didn’t sound insensitive or cold. “You see not many do. They know of distant loss or some kind of grief sure, but not the sense of responsibility one feels when someone died and you could have prevented it.” Lord was she horrible at topics, really this was bad. And only made her thirstier, honestly. Could also have something to do with the fact that when he smiled she couldn’t stop staring. 

“Nope. I was pretty careful about that one. And most of them don’t. There are a couple smart ones, but they’re grossly outnumbered.” Even fewer that he would actually admit to liking. He tended to like very few people he was acquainted with, trust even fewer, and showed a lighter side to almost none of them. “Don’t sneak up on me, and I think you’ll be fine.” He told her dryly. He still did have the bad habit of nearly breaking someone’s arm if they surprised him, but after this long stateside, he mostly had it under control. He leaned forward on the table, taking another drink before he replied. “There’s a few differences, but I understand as well as anyone who’s not also a doctor or a nurse will.” The way she was looking at him, like it was some wonderful thing that he knew what she was going through made him uncomfortable, although he couldn’t put his finger on why. She was young, and innocent, and obviously still felt something when someone died. He didn’t know that he could anymore.

[caidenxphillips-blog]

ohitschloeandrews:

“I do. Can’t really compare it to anything.. besides maybe building patience as a parent. But you have to love your kid brother, you don’t have that kind of love for strange twenty-year olds. Does mean you have to be incredibly patient.” Chloe had no idea how but she kept giving him subtle compliments. The weird part was actually how sincerely she meant them, and she kept wondering if this was how she now flirted. God only knew after all these years she had been sure she wasn’t able to anymore. A soldier? She took a beat, or tried, but failed. “What kind of soldier?” The question just fell out. Her and her big mouth. Shaking her head a little she recanted. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” Thought her question might have seemed abrupt her tone had immediately softened. Hell war of any kind had to be bad enough. And she knew from experience that most veterans encountered horrible things while in service. The bartender was quick to return with their beers and Chloe brought it to her lips at once. Damn that felt good. 

“Yeah, I don’t have any children, so I never really wanted to build up that patience. Especially with a class full of strangers.” He said dryly. He wasn’t one to actually pay attention to compliments, he tended to just brush them off more than anything. Especially when it came to a female giving them to him. His mouth quirked into a half smile up at her question. “A good one.” He told her with a shrug. “And one who knows what it’s like to lose people.” He took the beer before sliding into the chair against the wall and taking a long drink of it.

[fightingella]

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[caidenxphillips-blog]

fightingella:

“You’re not hip and cool. You’re old. You’re ancient. I’m buying you a walker for your next birthday.” She claimed, giving him a dark look. She never liked thinking of him as young, and she wasn’t sure why. It just felt strange to her, it felt like there was more than just sixteen years between them. 

Ella nodded, shifting to the side to lean against him. As always, his steadiness was comforting. No matter what, she could count on him being there and that wasn’t something she’d ever had before. “You have to carry me though.” She told him, knowing that he would do it. 

“Oh good, that trick knee is going out. I’m needing a cane. Or a walker.” He teased, smirking back at her. He was far too used to it to be bothered by her teasing him about being older. It wasn’t even annoying anymore, it was just funny.

He shoved the rest of his sandwich in his mouth before he nodded, an arm going around her waist and picking her up. At this point, he didn’t even argue with carrying her places. She was basically a cat. She could walk by herself, just preferred not to.

[caidenxphillips-blog]

ohitschloeandrews:

“Jeez then why come to class at all. Thats just infuriating.” She shook her head a little, easily understanding why he would be annoyed and more hard on the students. “Guess in the sciences you’re just very easily judged if you don’t keep up with readings or prep.” Chlo added thinking of her classmates and how they could seem.. incredibly competitive. She’d never been bitten by that bug, but some of her friends who were now soon to be doctors had easily competed to be the star pupil. She felt her eyebrows shoot up a little when he suddenly avoided her gaze. Had she said something wrong? Biting her lip Chloe nodded. Her curiosity about his past was growing, making it real hard to keep from asking. But then if she did that also opened the lines of communication her way too. Then again would that really be so bad? Her therapist always told her she needed to be more open about her story. “But you don’t like to talk about it.. The how you know part.” Well assuming was better than asking. Walking over to a corner table she sat down, expecting him to do the same. Out of the corner of her eye she could see the bartender eying them and then starting to walk over. “I’ll take whatever you have on tap aand Whatever you want Caiden.” She said raising her brows at him, with intention this time thought. 

“You have no idea, trust me.” He regularly wanted to strangle at least one person in his classes, just because they didn’t do any reading. It was beyond frustrating. “They don’t tend to take lit as seriously. And any serious students have at least 500 pages of reading already.” He told her with a shrug. There was a reason he tried to stay moderate. He knew she was probably going to ask about how he knew, and he figured he could just give her the same answer he told most people. “I was a soldier.” He told her quietly, knowing that she’d just stay curious. Usually people didn’t ask further after that, and it was close enough to the truth. He had been a soldier, he’d just been...more. Special Forces had been more intense. “I’ll have the same.”

[fightingella]

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[caidenxphillips-blog]

fightingella:

She gave a halfhearted smile in response. Maybe she did know that Caiden wasn’t actually better than that, but that didn’t mean she had to accept it. Or encourage it. Or make him do any of it on her behalf. She did know that he was better than her father. If anything, he was more human than the man that had raised her. 

“Absolutely nothing. Shut your stupid, scruffy face.” Ella told him, rolling her eyes. The least he could do was leave her her dignity. She fell a little more serious with the conversation, offering a weak smile. “I know.” She said quietly, setting her plate to the side. If she didn’t have him around, she knew it would be a lot harder. Whether or not that made him some sort of father figure, she didn’t know. She just knew she needed him around. 

“Hey, people like the scruff. It makes me hip and cool.” He told her with a wink. In reality, it did no such thing, but he didn’t really care. He was too lazy to shave every day, especially as he’d probably have to shave at least twice a day to stay smooth. And that just sounded ridiculous.

He sighed as he leaned against the counter next to her. “You want to go sit on the couch until you fall asleep?” It wouldn’t take her long, and would probably be more comfortable than the counter. Plus, he knew she always felt better when she was closer to someone, oddly enough.

[caidenxphillips-blog]

mrnoahjdevin:

Noah bit his lip for a moment as he considered the very real possibility of that. He just honestly had no idea to tell them no, at least not know. The idea of intentionally making someone else in his life furious with him as exhausting, even though he knew his parents wouldn’t hurt him. “I … yeah. I need to figure that out.”

It was fairly easy to see that the thought of it was stressing the kid out and Caiden refrained from rolling his eyes. He could remember being around that age, and joining the army just because his father wanted him to. Parents tended to have a pull on you. “Yeah, you do. Tends to end badly if you don’t.”

[caidenxphillips-blog]

ohitschloeandrews:

“Thats fair. But don’t most do that?” She asked, thinking of her own behavior in lectures. Never once had she raised her hand to participate or argue unless she had thought the question or topic for discussion trough. But then Chloe liked to be prepared, she’d always been studious thought some would claim she was very bright when it came to her chosen major and school work. Personally she didn’t know. Her best skill was multi tasking. Sort of a much needed one when you were doing school, work and parenting, all at the same time. Meeting his gaze Chloe was actually a little stunned. “You really mean that don’t you..” Most people had a hard time relating. Most told her she took it all too personal. It was nothing short of incredible to be speaking to someone who could say those words with sincerity. 

“No, some people like to fly by the seat of their pants and put no preparation into anything. Including actually reading the material.” It always annoyed him, namely because he didn’t assign unreasonable amounts like he remembered his own professors doing. He shrugged at her question, finding not meeting her eyes much easier as they reached the bar and he opened the door for her. “I wasn’t always a professor, so yeah. I do.” It wasn’t exactly the same, but he still got it. He’d played with life and death for a good portion of his life.

[fightingella]

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[caidenxphillips-blog]

fightingella:

“No.” She said it quickly, trying to stress how bad of an idea that would be. “You’re better than him.” She didn’t want to see him sink like that. She didn’t want her father finding out and coming after Caiden once he got out of prison. She didn’t want to see that side of Caiden, even if she knew it was there. 

“I don’t cry. And if I teared up, it’s because of how painfully bad the movie was.” She said, making a face at him. She finally convinced herself to swallow the flavorless bite of her sandwich. “I don’t know. I feel weird. Numb.” She didn’t know how to explain it any better than that. She didn’t know what she was feeling, she didn’t know why she wasn’t cheering it from the rooftops.Her father deserved everything he got.

Caiden raised an eyebrow at that, but didn’t comment. It was nice, sometimes, having someone who believed he was better, but he really wasn’t, in his mind. For every horrible thing her father had done, he’d done at least the equal, if not worse. Getting her father beat up wouldn’t exactly knock him back down.

“Oh really? And the fact that it was during the sad parts means nothing?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.  He nodded at her explanation, looking down at his sandwich. It always felt strange, talking about her family. He would guess because he had no idea where he fit in it. In some ways, she felt like he imagined a daughter would, but he’d never gotten up the courage to actually ask her. “I wish I had all the answers for you.”

[fightingella]

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[fightingella]

She just stuck her tongue out at him in response, tired of talking about weird, old friends. Not while she still felt like there was a heavy cloud hanging over her and she really wasn’t in the mood to discuss Fox. 

“People are stupid. Anyways, you might know criminals and jail systems, but I know rich people. I know how they get out of shit like this, on what other people would never get off on. It’s absurd.” Her tone turned sour, thinking back on the culture she had been raised in and just how much she hated it. “I made you watch it to laugh at it because it was so terrible.”

[caidenxphillips-blog]

“Hey, I have friends in jail. He could get the shit beat out of him.” Caiden said dryly, only half kidding. It had honestly been one of the first thoughts he’d had, although not one he’d ever follow up on. Or at least, not without her permission first.

“You cried. Twice.” He had laughed, but mostly at her. He leaned against the counter, taking a bite of his own sandwich as he looked at her. “How are you going to do with this?” He asked quietly. He wanted to know how hard she was going to take it, because it was hard sometimes, figuring out what she was going to react badly to. She could brush it off, or she could let it affect her for weeks.

[professoralex]

Alex nodded, pushing out of his seat. He recognized the other professor, though they’d never spoken much. “I appreciate it.” He said, holding his hand out to take the mail. It saved him a trip, at least.

[caidenxphillips-blog]

“Not a problem.” Caiden told him, then glanced around. “You have office hours?” He asked, tilting his head. He’d noticed that a lot of the professors were kind of like him, out as soon as they could.

[fightingella]

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[fightingella]

“Well I never forgot the man. Just the name.” She shrugged, pointing the fact out. She definitely couldn’t ever forget the man himself, from his eccentric personality to the fact that he was actually a friend of Caiden’s. 

“He took some from everyone. But that’s the life of people in that class, they take from everyone. It’s normal, unfortunately.” Ella said in a dry sort of tone, looking to the side once more. She sighed at his insistence, picking up the sandwich and taking a halfhearted bite of it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve never seen that movie.”

[caidenxphillips-blog]

“If you had, I really would have been concerned about you.” He told her dryly. The man was unforgettable, and Caiden knew it. It was half of why they were friends, he just found it interesting to hang out around someone as...strange as Fox was.

“I know, but no one cares about other rich people. Just poor people and orphans.” It was a harsh statement, maybe, but true enough, in his experience. He knew this whole thing was hard on her, but he also didn’t know what to do about it, other than just be there. “Bull, you made me watch it with you. I distinctly remember.”

[professoralex]

The short scuff of a shoe drew Alex’s attention up from the papers he was grading to the doorway of his office. It wasn’t technically his office hours, but he always preferred to spend most of his time there anyway. He leaned back in his chair, pushing the papers aside for the moment. “The door is open.” He told the person waiting there.

[caidenxphillips-blog]

Caiden was about to lift a hand to knock on the other professor’s door when his voice rang out, and he pushed it open. “They gave me your mail. I figured I’d drop it off on my way out.” Office hours were over, and he had a date with an icy cold beer.

[ohitschloeandrews-blog]

“Sounds like you have fun with it. I’d definitely pity the student who dared challenge you.” She could imagine, with the sort of stoic behavior she’d seen from him that he could be pretty hard to argue with. Hell she’d tried and wouldn’t call it a full success. But then again she was just another grad student. One who hadn’t taken humanities classes in what had to be not just a few years by now. “No, wish it was that trivial. The worst part is always loosing someone. A life lost, especially on my watch. Even if there was nothing I could do to prevent it, just nature taking its course.” 

[caidenxphillips-blog]

“If they do it intelligently, I’ll at least listen.” Otherwise, he had no qualms in outlining exactly why someone was wrong. He did believe that there was more than one viewpoint when it came to literature, but sometimes it was just stupid and something they had obviously thought up in five minutes. His expression softened just a bit at her confession as he nodded. “I understand that.” Their situations had been different, she saved lives, but he understood people dying who weren’t supposed to, when you were supposed to save them.

[caidenxphillips-blog]

mrnoahjdevin:

Noah looked down blushing slightly, “I know that I should. But … well, I guess I’ve just never been good at telling them no. I don’t like upsetting them. I mean, I’m not even sure why. I don’t know what I think they can do other then … well, be upset.” he admitted carefully.

“You should. Otherwise you’re going to be my age and running to attend their every need instead of living your own life.”