Cake eats cake

Kiwi living in aus. 2 x cat children. Virgo. CAKE!!

[cakeeatscake]

Emails I will never send.

I miss you.

I had a dream where I spent the entire time sitting in your lap hugging you. I miss your touch. Hugging in the lounge being wrapped in your arms.

I miss your face. The way you demanded me to snugs you in the morning. The way you would try and convince me to let you sleep in more because you wanted more snugs.

I haven’t been sleeping well without you.

The flirting on Instagram keeps on replaying in my head. I know you hate my ‘stalking’ but why have the both of you gone silent on Instagram? Are you fucking her? Is there something more between the two of you? Please cut her off.

I’m starting to realise that while I want you, I want a new improved version of our relationship.

I’ll be more loving in public, reach out more. I think I understand a bit better now. You were intimidated and you felt less than because I would push you to be a better person. Because you felt like you couldn’t keep up with me.

I scroll TikTok all the time now. Tarot readings. Asking when you will come back.

Did I tell you? When we were walking back from good things I asked god that if we were meant to be together you would grab my hand on the way home. Along the walk. You would take it. And eventually you did take it, when we were in the taxi. Which was a bit late but better late than never right?

I want to be us again. Reach out to me. Apologies. Tell me that you’ve cut her off. She can’t compete and when you did flirt with her it felt so wrong. That everything you did reminds you of me.

[cakeeatscake]

He told me before he was caught flirting with this other chick that he still views me as the love of his life

The only one for him

Give him back. Make him see me for what I am. Make him step up to be what I need.

Make him cut her off of his own free will

[cakeeatscake]

He’s been flirting with another girl.

I can’t take much more of this. Universe please stop.

It is hard enough already. Please. I can’t bear the thought of him fucking her. Of him kissing her. Please. Please. Please.

I am sitting in my misery unable to move. Stuck.

All of my TikTok is ‘ he made a mistake and he is miserable without you. He is scared of making amends. You are his twin soul flame.’

So when? When will this happen? I have been manifesting him coming back.

Telling me that he is in love with me. He is sorry. He didn’t kiss her. He didn’t have sex with her.

He is only sexually attracted to me. He fucked up and he knows this. He wants to get back together.

How long do I have to feel like I’m drowning

[cakeeatscake]

21st jan

Yesterday I spent all day in bed crying. Wrapped about child 1. Occasionally child 2 would come and snugs too.

I told him on Thursday that I want him back. To please don’t give up on us.

He said that if we do get back together, it won’t be anytime soon.

I’m wandering around the mall trying to shop for lunar new year and it’s just making me depressed.

I feel like I’m dying. I wonder if I have bpd.

This is the guy I wanted -want to marry.

I don’t want to live without him and it’s making me pathetic

I deserve more than the crumbs of somebody’s love

I don’t want to do this anymore, it’s too painful

[cakeeatscake]

17th jan 2023

A week and a half since I’ve moved out.

Nearly three since he told me that he isn’t in love with me anymore.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m emotionally dependent on him.

I feel unsettled and on edge.

It’s been a week since I’ve seen him last. A week since I’ve kissed him.

The longest I’ve been without him in nearly two years.

How much more do I have to take?

I want him back. I love him. He loves me too and I know he does.

He’s depressed and thinks that he’s not in love with me but I know, I know that he feels numb. Numb to everything and it’s not just me.

I keep on telling myself, don’t settle for the scraps.

You get the love you think that you deserve.

I miss him more than anything.

I got my hopes up because he randomly messaged me on Sunday. He’s the one that messaged me. Reached out to me.

Now he is back to ignoring my text messages because he’s so so busy.

I’ve blocked and unblocked and blocked and unblocked thinking that it will make me feel better.

It does not.

[cakeeatscake]

12th jan 2023

6 days since I’ve moved out

17 days since he broke up with me

I don’t want this.

I want to be home with him.

I miss him and my heart is hurting.

I don’t want this

[cakeeatscake]

11th jan 2023

Printed off copies of my cv, gave them around.

Already had an interview and we discussed any issues that may arise.

I feel the tiredness in my bones

The heavy sighs

The suppressed screams

Why did you do this to us

Why didn’t you try harder

Is this my karma for Ryan?

[cakeeatscake]

10th jan 2023

Bus stop.

Another tie linking me to the old apartment is broken.

I’ve gotten my game back and I got the rental scooter towed back to the agency.

I properly said goodbye to levy the good borzoi boy.

I kissed him goodbye and told him how much I love him.

[cakeeatscake]

9th of jan.

I’ve moved.

I don’t think that I like my landlord, he does seem a bit controlling. He doesn’t want the cats water fountain on because he says that it’s a waste of electricity. Like leaving a fan on in an empty room.

I will take it with a grain of salt and just switch the cats back to a normal water bowl. Even though the fountain is better for them. I won’t let them get dehydrated.

Annoying.

Also I’m upset that he will cum in some other girl for his first time. It will be this magical bonding experience for him and who ever he chooses.

And it won’t be me.

I’m a ball of jealousy right now and it hurts.

[cakeeatscake]

2nd jan 2023-

Day 7.

I sucked his dick. Several times in fact.

Somehow I’ve managed to talk him into staying my boyfriend for at least the next week until I’ve moved out.

All of this and I still want to marry him.

I know that I can’t see that this is the best thing that will have happened to me, that I deserve someone who is so in love with me.

I know that.

I’m still stuck in the forest trying to trek my way out.

I managed to talk a doctor into increasing my anti sad pills . At least for a few months while I struggle to cope with my new norm.

I can’t help but want to scream at him.

I didn’t want this. I never wanted this.

I fucking want to marry you.

[cakeeatscake]

D -day Boxing Day.

He broke up with me.

Again.

Today is New Year’s Day and I have a new resolution, I will pour the feelings out into the void and wave them goodbye.

And because I’m a delusional sucker I have asked him to stay together with me until I move.

Which won’t be more than a week, I have already signed for a place and I’m just waiting on the new landlord to double check my references.

Everything hurts.

[cakeeatscake]

[cakeeatscake]

Mood: currently trying to convince my brother who lives in a different country to fly over and do my dishes for me.

( and make a cuppa tea for me too while he's at it.)

[cakeeatscake]

Update:

Child 1 has emerged from underneath the bed.

Currently is roaming around the house scream.

Child, I have not moved. I am still lying on the floor under the aircon.

[cakeeatscake]

It started to pour down rain and hail.

Child 1 hid under the bed.

I went to close the door to outside, child 2 ran out and then ran back inside just as quickly.

[cakeeatscake]

But where is child 2 when child 1 is screaming??

[cakeeatscake]