WANNA KNOW HOW TO MAKE THE PERFECT SUNNY-SIDE-UP EGG?
FIRST YOU GET THE PAN HOT AS GOLLUM, NOW THAT HE’S RESTING IN THE FIERY PITS OF MOUNT DOOM.
GET A BIT OF BUTTER INTO THE PAN! MAYBE A TEASPOON. YOU THINK PRECISION MATTERS IN THIS SHIT? NO! IT DOESN’T! JUST DON’T PUT A SHIT-TON IN THERE.
PROTIP- CRACK YOUR EGG AGAINST A FLAT SURFACE, LIKE A COUNTER, INSTEAD OF AN EDGE. YOU’RE LESS LIKELY TO GET EGG SNOT ALL OVER THE PLACE LIKE A CLUMSY MOTHERFUCKER.
DIG YOUR THUMB INTO THE SHELL AND DROP YOUR EGGY DELIGHT INTO THE HOT BUTTER.
MAKE SURE THE EGG IS OFF TO ONE SIDE OF THE PAN, AND NOT IN THE CENTER! THIS IS PROBABLY EASY, AS MOST STOVETOPS WERE DESIGNED BY NON-PERFECTIONISTS, AND AREN’T PERFECTLY LEVEL.
WATCH IT WRIGGLE AROUND IN AGONY, AS THE HEAT DENATURES SOME PROTEINS AND CHANGES YOUR SNOTTY EGG SHIT INTO DELICIOUS EGG WHITES!
WHEN THE EGG WHITES ARE ALMOST COMPLETELY DONE, BUT YOUR YOLK IS STILL LOOKING RUNNIER THAN A VAMPIRE ON THE BUSINESS END OF A WINCHESTER’S GLARE, TIME FOR ACTION!
GRAB SOME WATER AND SLOSH SOME INTO THE PAN - ROUNDABOUT 3 TABLESPOONS.
IT’LL START HISSING AND SPITTING LIKE MAD, BUT YOU’VE GOTTA COVER UP THE PAN QUICK, SO ITS FURY CANNOT TOUCH YOUR PERFECT FACE.
KEEP IT COVERED FOR AROUND 20 SECONDS.
YOU’LL SEE THE LAST OF THE WHITES SOLIDIFYING OVER THE YOLK, CAPTURING IT LIKE THE LOVELY CARLIN CAPTURED MY VIKING HEART!
IF YOU LEAVE IT IN THERE FOR MUCH LONGER, THE YOLK WILL COOK AS WELL, AND THAT’S A DIFFERENT TYPE OF EGG!
ONCE YOUR EGG HAS REACHED PERFECTION, SPATULA THAT BAD BOSS ONTO YOUR PLATE~
WANT SOME SCIENCE TO GO WITH YOUR BREAKFAST?
THE ADDED WATER QUICKLY PRESSURE/STEAM-COOKS THE TOP OF YOUR EGG! BRILLIANT!
HAD YOU FLIPPED THE EGG, YOU WOULD HAVE HAD AN ‘over easy’ AND THAT LITTLE SHIT FUCKS ITSELF UP REAL EASY.
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