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FUCKING RECIPES

@fuckingrecipes

You asshats are talented and majestic warriors, and don't you ever forget it. Conquer the world. You have the potential.

1,613 posts

sometiktoksarevalid

fitnessadvicethatfitsinyourlife

Drinking soda is better than drinking nothing all day. Eating ice cream for dinner is better than eating nothing for dinner. Eating salsa is better than having no produce in your diet at all.

Water is way more hydrating than soda, but soda is more hydrating than nothing. A balanced meal is way more nutritious than ice cream, but ice cream is more nutritious than nothing.

Something is better than nothing. Some hydration is better than no hydration. Some nutrients are better than no nutrients. Some produce is better than no produce.

Don't let societally imposed food guilt trick you into believing that nothing is a better choice. Nourishing your body, however you can, is always the better choice. Fed is best. Always.

anarchistmemedistro

food has no moral value. being fed does.

biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist

so what you're gonna do is you're gonna trim the top off a bulb of garlic, using the knife's edge to take off the tip of every individual clove, that's important. you're gonna place the garlic face-up in a square of tinfoil, drizzle with olive oil, wrap completely in foil, place in baking tray, repeat with a copious amount of garlic bulbs. you're gonna put that baking tray in an oven set to 375-400°F, for 30-50 minutes, until soft and browned. you're gonna toast some good bread, slather generously with butter and honey, maybe a tiny lil bit o' salt. and then. you're gonna SQUEEZE. OUT. THAT. ROASTED GARLIC. onto the butter honey toast. and you're gonna eat it. food stolen directly from the plate of the gods. that's what you're gonna do.

biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist

biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist

the garlic. it beckons you

thesweetestsupervillains

It occurs to me that "1920s gangster doing a cooking show while holding you at gunpoint" is an untapped market.

We've had normal cooking shows. Now we need period piece cooking shows in character.

Googled something about quick hydration and it suggested big jug of water, couple tbsp pickle juice, dash of lime juice.

Its surprisingly tasty????

Pleased to report that after a day of this i am not longer craving caper brine and my mouth is not dry as usual. There's some good suggestions in the notes too that I want to try.

-ancient roman posca: water, red or white wine vinegar, honey, salt, herbs (coriander, mint, thyme)

-switchel: water, ginger, vinegar, sweetener, lemon, salt

-ayran: yogurt, water, salt, mint

-Agua pepino: water, cucumbers, lime, sugar, optional mint.

I have been reminded of:

-shrub: vinegar, sida water, elderberry (or other berry), sugar.

I have now been informed of

-sekanjabin: honey, vinegar, mint, water.

"Wow, I wonder why this post was popular this week."

-sees the reports of the heatwave in Europe-

"... ah."

i present tonight’s foodcrime: Oops I Fucked Up And Now The Sunk Cost Fallacy Has Sunk In aka Garlic Aioli Lemon Cake aka Hear Me Out

pronouncingitwang

at some point in your life you will be boiling fruit, water, sugar, and lemon juice in a pot to make a syrup or jam. the instructions will tell you to simmer for a certain amt of time. your timer will go off and you will look at the pot and go, "hm, this doesn't look thick enough. maybe i'll let it go for another 10 minutes." this is the devil speaking. it's only so liquid right now because it is at boiling point. it will thicken when it cools down. learn from the follies of my youth and do not let this happen to you

at some point in your life you will be making a sauce or a stew in which you need to add cornstarch to thicken it. and you will prepare a slurry of starch in cold water and think "this looks like way too little starch to thicken this amount of liquid." this is the devil speaking. cornstarch instantly polymerizes at 95°C and if you add too much it will turn into an impossibly thick goop.

le-jardin-inculte

at some point in your life you will be making some sort of cream based dessert that requires gelatin to thicken it. and you will soak some gelatin sheets in water and think "this is too few gelatin sheets for this amount of cream." this is the devil speaking. it will thicken in the fridge and if you add too much you will end up with milk jelly

at some point in your life you will be baking cookies. you will take the sheet out after twelve minutes as the recipe instructs and the cookies will still be glistening and soft. "these don't seem cooked enough," you will think to yourself, "i should place them back into the oven until their edges are nice and golden." this is the devil talking. this is how you get dry, overdone cookies. the cookies will continue to bake on the warm sheet for several more minutes and then harden up after sitting on a rack for a while. trust the process. trust the process.

biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist

so what you're gonna do is you're gonna trim the top off a bulb of garlic, using the knife's edge to take off the tip of every individual clove, that's important. you're gonna place the garlic face-up in a square of tinfoil, drizzle with olive oil, wrap completely in foil, place in baking tray, repeat with a copious amount of garlic bulbs. you're gonna put that baking tray in an oven set to 375-400°F, for 30-50 minutes, until soft and browned. you're gonna toast some good bread, slather generously with butter and honey, maybe a tiny lil bit o' salt. and then. you're gonna SQUEEZE. OUT. THAT. ROASTED GARLIC. onto the butter honey toast. and you're gonna eat it. food stolen directly from the plate of the gods. that's what you're gonna do.

biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist

biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist

the garlic. it beckons you

thesweetestsupervillains

It occurs to me that "1920s gangster doing a cooking show while holding you at gunpoint" is an untapped market.

We've had normal cooking shows. Now we need period piece cooking shows in character.

Come to the Human Cuisine Restaurant, we have:

Boiled grain

Flatbread with various toppings

Flatbread wrapped around filling

Fried lean meat

Stew of fatty meat and starch

Fermented vegetable

Oily sauce

Aromatic herbs

Stimulant alkaloids

Alcoholic beverage

sometiktoksarevalid

Day 286 of quarantine I have discovered www.webstaurantstore.com

It is, I BELIEVE, a website intended to be used by restaurants for bulk ordering food and utensils. And this is bringing me such unbounded delight scrolling through and recognizing that I, a single individual, ALSO can order ridiculous obscene enormous offensive-to-all-common-sensibilities shipments of BULK FOOD, to my LITTLE LITTLE APARTMENT, for PENNIES on the dollar. I have this god given power to flood my entire living space with bulk grains and it is one single button click away from my reality.

30 POUNDS of chocolate for $100. 20 POUNDS of peas for $13?? $13!!!! I will wake up every single morning from now on knowing that a box of donuts and a sack of dried split peas heavy enough to bodily injure someone both carry equal monetary weight. 25 POUNDS OF ONION POWDER for $50. Do you understand the enormity? the accessibility? the potential here? With the single click of the button I can put myself in a position of bequeathing more than a humanly comprehensible amount of onion powder in my will. AND IT WOULD ONLY COST ME $50 TO MAKE THIS A REALITY.

But what gets me

What truly gets me

is the 50 POUND BAG OF RICE

FOR LESS THAN $20

Do you know how much that kills me? How much I’m losing my mind? that I can order MYSELF WORTH OF RICE for something to the tune of $50? I can OUT-RANK MYSELF WITH RICE, DEMOCRATICALLY OVERRULE MYSELF WITH RICE, IN MY OWN APARTMENT for the fucking PENNIES that is $50

I’m so sorry for the normal person I’ll be after quarantine because the cabin-fever version of me I’m inhabiting right now is perhaps just uninhibited enough to follow through on this dream I’ve just discovered of out-ricing myself.

real talk though, if you had a large number of people in your community who wanted a particular food item and couldn’t afford it (for instance if you’re in a food desert and need produce or if you’re a part of a large disabled and/or overworked community who all need prepared frozen food), you could pool funds and get an order from a supply store like this.

it requires organizing for finance management, ordering, transport, and distribution, but if you build a stable mutual aid network, it’s genuinely within the realm of possibility.

This idea is called a buyers club (or buying club, buying coop, etc) and it’s a great time-tested method of mutual aid. And there are guides and tools for starting your own at managemy.coop

There really really ought to be a book about how the staple crops of different civilizations shape and influence those civilizations, and I really want to read it.

Salt: A World History by Mark Kurlansky and A History of the World in 6 Glasses by Tom Standage (three are alcohol, three have caffeine) are not quite that, but may still be of interest?

I read Salt back in the day and it's so so good, second the rec. I have heard of 6 Glasses and not read it but I am sure I would probably love it. Gotta see if the library has it. Thank you!

pandorasquillandquotes

Gonna throw Empire of Cotton by Sven Beckert in the ring here! You'll never see the modern world the same way again.

A Short History Of The World According To Sheep by Sally Coulthard blew my mind. So many things are tied to wool and sheep and weaving and so many words and phrases are tied to wool, people have no idea.

Example words which come from textiles/weaving, if not specifically wool (go look them up!): subtle, shoddy, tabby, Brazil, rocket, twit, warped, going batty, on tenterhooks, text...

I'll throw in a rec for Pickled, Potted, and Canned by Sue Shephard - a very interesting look at food preservation and how the availability of different types of food preservation shaped cultures and cuisines.

electronsprotonscroutons

Sweetness and Power is this but for the topic of sugar

magneticdeclination

The Lost Supper: Searching for the Future of Food in the Flavors of the Past might also be up your alley. It's about "forgotten" foods and staples. They talk about different types of wheat, sauces, veggies, etc and a little about the cultures from whence they come

doctornerdington

Also: Much Depends on Dinner by Margaret Visser. One of my favourite books.

bitchwhoyoukiddin

DO I HAVE A SERIES FOR YOU. University of California Press has a gift for you and it is a 80+ book series on food studies. There are even some that are open access (legally free), but the rest are in libraries.

I also highly recommend Frostbite by Nicola Twilley. It’s about the impact refrigeration has had/is having on food preservation and culture, globally. It was one of my favorite books of this last year.

Also, The Rice Theory of Culture https://scholarworks.gvsu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1172&context=orpc By Thomas Talhelm

karis-the-fangirl

Consider the Fork isn’t about food itself exactly but all about cooking technology and how it changed how and what we eat

mold pisses me off so much

oh you have to eat your produce the moment it leaves the store or the fuckin Hungering Dust will get it. and. poison your food

I ran into this post years ago and to be honest, it has completely reoriented the way I engage with food.

Like. I’ve always sorta understood that things grow moldy or stale or sour or such if left out, but I never really internalized it in a meaningful way.

But now I’m just like.

Yeah. The hungering dust. There exists omnivorous dust in the air that will eat my food if I don’t.

Those bagels have been sitting there for a week. Are we going to eat them soon or are we leaving them for the hungering dust?

Pizza’s been sitting out on the counter for an hour. Everyone’s enjoying the pizza, but if we don’t want “everyone” to include the hungering dust then we should probably put it away soon.

That’s just. That’s how food works to me now. There exists an invisible predator in the air that hungers for your yummies, and it will not hesitate to eat your food if you don’t make the effort to protect and preserve it. And eat what can’t be preserved before the dust can.

Life-changing.

wifehaver103947

the new york times is now charging money for my favorite chocolate cake recipe so i bought a subscription and screenshotted it and canceled my subscription and now it's here for you for free

i do a mixture of red wine and fresh squeezed navel orange juice for the liquid, plus the zest of one large orange. now you make the cake

dngrcpckwithmurdericing

Recipe transcript:

Yield: 8 servings

ingredients

3/4c or 177 mll extra virgin olive oil, plus more for greasing the pan

1/2 cup or 118 mll Earl Grey tea, or use coffee, dry red wine, orange juice, or water

1/2 cup or 50 grams Dutch processed cocoa powder

1/2 tsp ground cinnamon

1/4 tsp fine sea salt

1 cup or 200 grams granulated sugar

3 large eggs at room temperature

2 tsp vanilla extract

1 cup plus 2 tablespoons or 135 grams all purpose flour

1/2 tsp baking soda

preparation

step 1 heat the oven to 325 degrees F. Grease a 9-inch round pan and line the bottom with parchment paper

step 2: in a medium saucepan over high heat, bring tea or other liquid to a simmer, then turn off heat. whisk in cocoa, cinnamon, and salt until smooth, then set aside to cool

step 3: in the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, combine sugar, olive oil, eggs, and vanilla. beat for about 3 minutes. reduce speed and pour in cocoa mixture, scraping down the sides of the bowl. gradually beat in flour and baking soda until just incorporated.

step 4: scrape batter into prepared pan and bake until the sides are set but it's still slightly damp in the center, 35 to 45 minutes. A cake tester should come up clean but with a few sticky chocolate crumbs clinging to it. Transfer cake pan to a wire rack and let cake cool completely in pan.

derinthescarletpescatarian

I'm Christmas shopping and look at this incredibly suspicious appliance I found

I know Americans like to eat soup with cheese toastie so I guess this one is for you guys

derinthescarletpescatarian

SPECIFIC appliance. Not suspicious appliance. There is nothing suspicious about soup.

derinthescarletpescatarian

Little devil voice in my mind is telling me to buy one of these for every family member. But luckily I don't have that kind of money.

derinthescarletpescatarian

#on one hand this looks handy#but I also kind of feel about the prospective meal that it would be like that scene in SpongeBob#where Neptune makes like 500 krabby patties but they aren’t good#because they weren’t made with love#like the effort of grilling your own cheese is what makes it good you know?

... your problem with the device is that you disagree with toastie makers on principle? Because making a toasted sandwich should require more effort?

derinthescarletpescatarian

#i didnt know its called a cheese toasty in Australia but I kinda wanna use that from now on#in which case yes americans do love a cheese toasty with tomato soup#but that soup comes from a can and that pot probably fits like 5 cans of soup

Some parts of Australia call it a "jaffle" but yeah we love cutting words in half and putting -o or -ie on the end.

You gotta tell them that it's a jaffle specifically when it comes out of the toasting process in two perfect (sealed) triangle pockets. If it's squished flat and oozing out the sides, it's a toastie.

Spaghetti should only go in jaffles, ham is best suited for toasties. Chicken and mayo is good either way. Some sandwich presses you can even get with interchangeable heating plates.

cassettetapecryptid

I was going to defend sandwich makers but wtf you mean you put spaghetti in a sandwich

derinthescarletpescatarian

That's the sandwich maker's main purpose. To use up leftover spaghetti sauce. I don't normally put the noodles in but you can (and would have to if you're using tinned spaghetti).

With every reply this gets more and more unhinged. Tinned spaghetti? Like Chef Boy'R'Dee??? In a sandwich?????

Two houses divided, both alike in their food weirdness, Here in the fair kitchen doth our story lie.

derinthescarletpescatarian

#...i mean i guess its technically not too far off from a meatball sub?#trying really hard to give the benefit of the doubt here lol

It's more like a giant hot pocket.

greenheart-anon

Anko is one of my favorite dessert fillings.

Literally red beans, sans the skin, plus a shitload of sugar.

Tastes like chocolate’s non-creamy cousin.

Adding evaporated milk to it sounds very nice actually.

every time a website describes "appetite suppressant" as a feature of a type of food, i kill another hostage

"nuts are an appetite suppressant!" BECAUSE THEY ARE FOOD. YOU ARE LESS HUNGRY BECAUSE YOU ATE FOOD.

the diet industry is so unbelievably fucked and it’s in your fucking walls. “keeps you full longer so you don’t get hungry an hour after lunch when you’re trying to do something” is a neutral statement of benefit but no we have to treat pistachios like crucial medicine in the war against basic bodily functions.

eating disorder recovery is just getting angry over and over again because food is treated like some horrible necessary evil instead of one of the great joys of life. eat some nuts because they taste good and you are a living thing that thrives on pleasure and calories. you need both.

I need to get some sleep but in case you need to hear it: you deserve to eat. your appetite is not the enemy. if you can, treat yourself to a filling meal of foods you love today. throw pistachio shells at people. be free.

DISCLAIMER: if you or your selected victim have a nut allergy, consider throwing rocks instead. I love you.

my potion #MyPotion

per The Chart, this is a "Hell at the Bell":

This is easily the most enduring thing I've ever made. Godspeed funny little jpeg. See you again soon