...

Idk man I just write

[callmebabyred]

Regret

I am allowing myself six days of utterly hating myself and thinking I'm the worst person in the world, praying profusely, begging for forgiveness, crying until my eyes, neck, and throat hurt, believing I don't deserve anything good. That I don't even deserve to be in his presence. And then I *have* to stop. I can't live like that.

On Friday, I will wake up and forgive myself. And feel it. I will believe that I am a good person. Who made a mistake. And that as long as I completely change my behavior, course correcting into the person I know that I can be, and never do it again I am fine. A life lived without mistakes is not a life at all.

[callmebabyred]

I messed up so royally. I don’t know how to process it. Every time I remember his face the day I told him.

He is the last person I ever wanted to hurt in the world. I hate this so much. I don’t know what the next phase of life looks like, but I pray to God for forgiveness and hope we can get back to a place in our relationship where we both feel safe and happy again.

[callmebabyred]

Reasons Why I Need A Job

(The serious reasons, in case I acquiesce to fear and start being miserable)

♡ My phone bill - it's out of my hands and keeps randomly cutting out when it's not paid which is so embarrassing when people try to call me and my line is down

♡ Need to be able to pay my s/o back instead of making them pay for everything (embarrassing!)

♡ Being able to give (my hearts natural inclination) instead of feeling so stingy all the time

♡ I thrive on routine! And proving my excellence!

♡ Yes I'm an artist but I'm so talented that I can also be a really good corporate professional which will help me grow in necessary life skills for where I want to go (eg. writers room totem pole etc. etc.)

♡ Need to fucking get my hair done

[callmebabyred]

in my flop era fr

[callmebabyred]

Need to lose 30 pounds in two months

[eclogues]

my turn to be happy ?

[callmebabyred]

Tough year so far… every years been a tough year

[callmebabyred]

can't stop thinking about my boyfriend, 3 days ago, looking at me over dinner with soft wide eyes, asking me gently what I think he should do

[callmebabyred]

My boyfriends been gone for a week and I’m watching Apple photo slideshows bc I miss him so much

[callmebabyred]

Ugh

[callmebabyred]

Is it even worth it

[callmebabyred]

I have faith that my book will be published, let’s start by saying that

However I feel like the reason they’re taking so long to come back with an answer is any communication is that they are going to say no.

Perhaps it’s not their policy to offer when they’ve been rejected. My editor may be trying to persuade the execs to offer again but with no luck.

If it’s a no I’ll put the book to bed for now. Perhaps it’s meant for another time. Maybe I’ll revisit it in ten years and love it again. I’ll write my other novels and my screenplay. God’s got me.

If it’s a no to the book and a no career wise, I’ll survive but it will be so so very awful.

[callmebabyred]

Despite the many things I’m ambivalent about in my life, I know I want this.

A deep and purposeful relationship with my Creator.

To walk in truth, clarity, and purpose.

A warm and intimate love characterized by truth, real companionship, joy and good humor.

[callmebabyred]

Idk why I’m sooo sad this week though

[callmebabyred]

Okay so if it’s bad news I will live. I will write new stories. I will eat healthy. I will look hot. I will grow in my relationship with God. I’ll create beautiful new memories with my boyfriend. I’ll write an album. I’ll take selfies. Get into photography again. Write a screenplay. I’ll allow myself to be sad for a little bit and then I will live.

[callmebabyred]

Also why am I so sad

[callmebabyred]

Oh no… I just realized that if I get the email and it’s negative I’m going to have to deal with the emotional fallout and it’s going to SUCK. SO. MUCH.