Maybe this is how I wear fall
Or how I paint longing for home
Or how i redesign my memories without edges.
I miss the sadness that gave to flowing words and the spark in never knowing what would come next. I miss how fast the years would go by and I miss constantly relearning how to be alive. I miss biting off more than I could swallow and I miss being too much to bite.
I miss the rough edges I’ve sanded down to become palatable. I miss the edge.
Maybe the consequence of growing up this time was growing too tired of countering what is expected. Maybe I just wanted to feel normal so badly that I compromised the most unique parts of me.
I am happy now. My emotions are healthy and complex and not hidden behind walls or ulterior design.
Maybe I just don’t have anything exceptional to talk about anymore. Maybe I’ve lost my intensity. Maybe there’s nothing intense left for me to say.
Maybe I have no one to say the things to anymore. Maybe I am missing someone to think with.
An old friend of mine had the most beautiful mind I’ve ever encountered. I was in love with the way he thought and how delicate he was when he spoke. When I read his poetry and listened to him, it was like peering into an abyss to say the least. There was logic and art and tension and beauty.
He challenged my thinking intentionally and otherwise. He was not transparent and every time I told him I had him figured out, he proved me wrong. He was self aware and at the same time the least individualistic. Or maybe he knew the sacrifices he was making. Even to this day, I stir in my head what he could possibly stir through his.
His mind was my mind’s counter. His composure was my mind’s question.
I miss stimulation and honesty that cut so deep it hurt. I miss the questions that could never be answered. I miss learning without ever speaking.
So today I tend to dull the edges on my own and to survive past 4am and love with less chaotic intensity.
But the more I grow, the more I miss the thorns in my skin, the damage that gave me life, and the fire I lit in the eyes of others.
titsay
blakekathryn
annaxmalina
stormborns
tangentwithtanner
gummygunk
janainaart
