Driving With Claustrophobic Feet

Everyone has a handicap, and mine is a claustrophobic feet. So I travel light, walk when I can and carefully drive my so called life. This is what I can do to make it this journey comfortable. Musings on my fun, fazed and favorable life.

[calyberry]

Soul Sister

I got an "I miss you, sister!" in Facebook Messenger today. As an only daughter with only brothers for siblings, it hit a little differently. My friends have always treated me like a sister, though, and it honestly feels so nice to have that bond even if you aren't blood-related.

The friend who messaged me is actually one of my oldest online friends. We met through Gaia Online back in 2008-ish. Over the years, we'd check in and chat on Facebook once in a while, or message each other on Gaia until she quit using the site (I'm still on there! lol!). I remember giving her advice whenever she asked for it. To me, it was just a normal, natural thing to do. I never realized how big of an impact it actually had on her life—in fact, I don't even remember what I advised her about!

But I just found out today that she named her daughter after me. Her daughter is now 17.

I'm tearing up just writing this. Knowing that I’ve been a beacon in her life (her words) is just incredibly heartwarming...I'm just so incredibly grateful.

We are thousands of miles apart. Her in Minnesota, me in the Philippines. We haven't met in real life ever. But I hope, even when we're old, we get to meet in person in this lifetime.

[calyberry]

Uvalde

The lives of 19 children and 2 teachers were taken away on the 24th of May 2022. They were gunned down and massacred on campus in Uvalde, Texas.

That kind of senseless killing is something that is preventable by law.

I remember back in the 80 up to early 90s, during New Year, we kids can freely buy firecrackers and fireworks in the streets. Every corner near my home has a firework stand a week before Christmas day. The rate of kids and young adults having their hands and fingers blown up, rose to unbelievable heights. The news would feature the hospitals every New Year. Until the government banned specific types of firecrackers. And over the years, the banned list grew, and these were heavily taxed in the long run. Now 20 years later, news of children getting their fingers and hands blown off is non-existent. Fireworks are limited but New Year celebrations are still just as fun and memorable.

Many protested then because of the businesses that will get affected by it. But people are adaptable. A true businessman will see opportunities elsewhere. But the pain saved years after these bans are priceless.

That is the same with President Duterte's War on Drugs. Yes, it's callous, but the crime rate was lessened greatly and the streets feel safer for the majority of law-abiding citizens.

Freedom is meant for exploration and self-improvement. Not for the destruction and devastation of others. And tough love creates a more structured environment.

[calyberry]

Facts

Despite the elections being done with, these past 10 days still leave an unpleasant bitter taste of defeat from the liberals. And as I watch this unfold in my social media timelines, I am baffled by how this generation perceives knowledge and facts as the ultimate truth.

What they define as truth based on historical facts are made weapons of hate and ammunition to put down anyone who thinks otherwise. What are "facts" but another person's perception and experience?

If Juan saw 4 logs and Berto sees 3, does that makes either of them wrong? Does Berto has the right to berate Juan just because Juan sees more than what he's seeing?

Juan then goes off to Perla saying he sees 4, and because Perla trusts his judgment, she believes him and that makes it true for both of them. Still Berto doesn't have the right to disrespect Perla for believing Juan even without seeing it herself. Though Berto may pull Perla to his side to make her see 3. But even then, Perla just may decide to look at the entirety and see 6. Does that make all of them wrong? No. To them, those are facts, those are true.

With this said, setting aside the "facts" and what other people say, how you react to it and to other people's perception of the truth says a lot about your character. Because at the end of the day, everyone has different beliefs because they have different experiences and what you do to other people creates their version of truth about you.

So what is your truth?

[calyberry]

Political Standpoint

I’m not one who delves into politics but we all need to vote right? But how do I choose my leader?

I’ve been voting for 20 years, and I’ve seen 7 Presidents sit on the throne of Malacaňang. Only 1 whom I personally voted got to sit, and that is our current President. Duterte was dealt with a bad hand with the pandemic. And I’m sure whoever got to sit instead of him would’ve been just as clueless. But for the first time in a long time, I felt the shift of power. Internet is a powerful thing. You can research to your heart’s content. Uncover truths that were hidden and distorted. And everything will be based on what you learned. That’s where each individuality resides.

I don’t trust history. I don’t even trust my own memory. Though my memory dictates that all we learned from our Social Studies subject way back in elementary & high school points to President Marcos’ dictatorship and how people rallied for our country’s freedom. And yes I believed that because it was written in our textbooks and I was 6 years old when my parents took us out to the now Ayala Triangle to participate in the rally. But now, as a grown woman, it made me question, why did our books only write him as a bad guy? What of his achievements before Martial Law? I mean, he was the Philippine President for 21 years, and yet I’ve only known him as someone who served Martial Law and nothing else. It looked one-sided to me. So I did my research. And while I discovered things, I cannot truly say that they are truths because I wasn’t there. They were someone else’s truth. In this context, I can only take what made sense to me. And I’m not about to discuss who is the bad guy and who is not because they all have agendas that may or may not have worked for the Filipino people.

So back to my original question, how do I choose my leader? The thing is, while doing my research, the question that mostly popped up in my mind was not what these people did to the country or my countrymen. It’s mostly what is the intention behind every decision made?

It will all boil down to my core beliefs and values as a person. Every person’s belief system is different. For example, some believe Jesus is God, others believe him as a prophet. But regardless of him being God or prophet, some people believe in Him. That is a core belief. Now whether he is truly a God or not should not matter, because what matters is you believe he exists and you resonate with his beliefs.

My leader is a person coming from a rational mindset and not from a place of hate. Someone who sees the bigger picture the same way I see it. With this said, I am voting for someone who can hold his/her own candle without getting swayed by other people because I need a leader who can decide for themselves before they can decide for other people. Implementation is vital. Congress can always write laws, but not every law is well implemented. And only those truly knows the path can effectively implement.

[calyberry]

Random Musing

I believe that the dissatisfaction that one feels stems from expectations and comparison. So if you only have yourself as your standard, you have to check why you are feeling that way. It is a lot of work at first. But when you understand why you have to do it, it will not be as hard because of the shift in priorities. You'll have to check yourself constantly until it becomes a lifestyle.

I used to weigh 50 lbs heavier during my depressed, wanting-to-please-everyone state of mind. But when I let go of that, when I stopped caring about what other people think of me, the pounds started dropping too. I am now more self-aware on the things that I do. Like when I'm out with friends, everything that I choose to do should be beneficial to me, from what I eat to what we do, it should be detrimental to my peace of mind. I'm the only one who controls that. It's not like my friends are shoving food down my throat. So yeah, this is where my mind's at.

So if I think social media will affect how I see myself, then I uninstall that app. But if it doesn't affect me and how I see myself, it stays. When I learned to separate myself as an individual, that I understand that we are all built differently regardless of gender, race, etc., whatever is outside me (like outside my physical body) is not as important as me to judge. It's important for me that I protect my peace of mind, and the people around me know it. The people who love me, they don't mind at all, If they became judgy at what I do, then I cut them off my life coz I don't need any of that.

[calyberry]

Immortals

Emerging from a dark cave where she slept for what seemed like a hundred years, she looked up and her eyes met with dark grey skies and pouring rain.

“I guess he’s still fuming. I can’t say I’m sorry for what happened. He didn’t understand. I needed to do that so I can save us both, however unconventional. If this is the price I had to pay to go against traditions and let both of us live, then I’ll take it. I wouldn’t be happy either way.”

___________________________

His feet tapping against the marble floor, he’s getting impatient. He should’ve just gone below and looked for her. But the traditions won’t let him. He is bound by the oath they both took. But instead, he’s the only one here.

“I should forget her, but I can’t. I miss her every day. If only she trusted me, we would’ve gotten through it together. Instead, she took matters into her own hands. And I wouldn’t want to resent her, but this hole in my heart gets bigger the longer we’re apart. I couldn’t carry this burden on my own.”

Their separation is inevitable

This is the path that is destined for them

They must withstand however unbearable

Because neither will exist without the other

[calyberry]

Trivial Pursuits

Today, was something extraordinary for me, in a relationship.

I’m not one to start arguments or confront someone especially if it’s my partner. I try to be a patient as possible. I know he’s easily frustrated at times, so I try to give him space if he’s in that mood.

But I wanted my milk tea. I was going to order and of course, I had to ask him what he wanted. He brushed me off at first and said later. But then I made a mistake of asking again. So he bent his frustration out to me and told me off more aggressively, which I didn’t like of course. I was on the verge of tears but I didn’t want him to see. So I cried a little in the bathroom and composed myself.

After a while, he approached me and said he’s sorry that he took it out on me. Ask me if I was ok. And like most women, I said “I’m fine.”

But then he held me close and said, “No really, how are you feeling?” And I just cried and told him I didn’t like it and he was apologizing again and I truly felt better.

This is the relationship I only used to wish I had.

Now I have it. And I’m happy.

[calyberry]

Let Go, Let God

There are things that we dream of and pray for.  And it's painful and frustrating when we don't get it.  So we'd think, maybe we don't deserve it? Maybe we're unworthy?

But when we surrender our pain, our suffering, our life to God, we let go of what we want, but we keep the faith that He will give us what we deserve.  And with trust and patience, He gives us what we pray for.

So I think I may be pregnant...at 40. My first pregnancy. Or maybe I’ll edit this later to delete this note. Ha!

EDIT: Not pregnant but happy regardless.

[calyberry]

Pillow talks

After all this time I still remember every bits and pieces of our memories together. All the loving words, kisses, caresses...makes me wonder, do you still think of me as often as I do you? Do you look for me in all the women you meet? Do you remember how you used to feel so strongly for me? Because I remember them all. Despite the passing of time, despite the distance. I still cry whenever I’m alone and my thoughts turn to you. I can still feel that space you left behind. I want to kick myself for feeling so deeply when we only had those 8 crazy days together. But up until this day, I still cannot deny what we had. They say if you find that love you’ve waited for, we shouldn’t let it go. But I did. Not because I wanted to but because you asked me to. I don’t regret letting you go, because I know it’s for your own good. But I wish you’d always remember me, and to not forget how I made you feel.

[calyberry]

Worried

I’m worried…

The more I’m liking my own company, Other people’s presence becomes more insignificant. My heart is beating slower and more peaceful, But missing that spark made by a deeper connection.

I’m worried…

That I will lose my compassion for others. That I’ve already abysmally numb myself. That I’ve protected my heart so perfectly, That it forgets how to feel for others.

I’m worried…

He’ll have a hard time breaking my walls But I still wish he will push through. For when he surpasses this, he’ll see, How worthy I am, through it all.

[calyberry]

Why Freedom?

On grassy fields you want to run barefoot How your soul soars from being free Even when you step on muddy grounds Skin soiled but feeling light and airy They will judge your wildness For they cannot comprehend The boxes you unpacked yourself from To be able to feel alive again The truth of you is still in progress So don’t listen to what others say Let your heart lead you to happy And thank the Lord you came this way

~j.d.

[calyberry]

Mirror

You looked away as I gazed at you Scared that I’d find out who you truly are I reflect all the things you wanted to see But also make you face your deepest scar

So you keep up with the illusions You thought that cover your flaws But I can see through your cracks Even in darkness, your monstrous claws

You try to wipe off any taint I might reflect Even if you know that it’ll break me But even after all the gleam you try to show It doesn’t change what’s inside you baby

~j.d.

[calyberry]

Relationship Goals

My mom’s turning 69 this weekend. We got to talk about life when I went to visit her last week. Despite her age, she still looks way younger than her actual age. One of store clerk where she buys groceries from would tell her that she wanted to look like her when she reached my mom’s age. My mom lost my dad more than 10 years ago, and people would ask her why she haven’t remarried. And she will always tell them, she’s happy with taking care of her grandkids. And when I asked her the same question, she told me, “No one can ever replace your father.” And I knew that for a fact. She was at her most beautiful when they were together. My father would make sure she’s happy. So growing up, I longed for a love like that. It’s very rare these days. Still I’m hopeful, but no longer expecting. Because in my eyes, my father will always be the best man in the whole world.

[calyberry]

Living In Peace

Peace is achieved through understanding Understanding is achieved through learning Learning is achieved through wondering Wonder enough to learn Learn enough to understand Understand so you can have peace ~j.d.

[calyberry]

I once claimed a boy And said “You’re mine” I never did that before I never uttered the line I was never possessive But felt I couldn’t share His heart was all I wanted To him, my soul was bare I felt that his heart Was in tuned with mine We were so happy It just felt divine But that was short lived When he said he wasn’t ready So I gave him the space he asked For I can’t be needy But as time went by No hello nor goodbye I guess I was forgotten I tried to understand why I wanted to hold on To memories in my head But I can’t because It blurs with every tear shed ~ j.d.

[calyberry]

Even In Silence

If you haven’t loved anyone from a distance, someone who cannot love you back, without reason, judgement and expectations, without hurt, without tears, without certainty, without faith....then you haven’t really loved at all. I don’t expect anyone to understand why I will choose you over and over. Because people only see the romantic side of love. How two people “should” be together. They don’t see the individual journey each of us must take in order to understand more of each other. I have no control over your journey as you have no control over mine. But as long as we understand each other, even in silence, then I guess we’re fine.

[calyberry]

I Love You, Always

I know you've been active on Facebook for quite sometime now.  And I know you're deliberately ignoring my messages.  I get it.  I've been through this before.  It seems like the stronger I get, the more I had to endure.  Sometimes I feel it doesn't seem fair and I try not to take things personally, but it doesn't hurt any less. I understand that you may have a lot to deal with right now and the last thing I want is to get in your way. I told you I was giving you space, but you must've mistaken it for I'm letting you go.  But if that's what you wanted, it would've been better if you just let me know because this is just torture.  This is just too much. It breaks my heart every time I see you online and avoiding me, as though I've done you a heinous crime. As if I was nothing to you. But I have to accept what's happening here for my own peace of mind.  I know you told me no break ups ever, but tell me, how can I deal with this if you don't even let me in? If you don't even talk to me anymore?  Do you think that by ignoring me, I will just forget about you? Forget what we had?  I will never forget you, my heart won't let me.

But thank you nonetheless for adding joy into my life.  For however short this was, it was real for me.  And I always revert to memories I had with you because I was happy...we were happy.  I have never found a connection like I have with you.  And I probably never will.  I wish you find genuine happiness and inner peace even if it's not with me.  There are things that only you can do as much as I want to help you.  But if you need me, I’m here for you. I love you, always.