Certain Things | Hadley + Cam
hadleyabel:
Their relationship had never been perfect. Even at their best, the truth of who the two of them were loomed over them. A dark cloud that hung above them even in their happiest moments. That didn’t change how she felt, how much she loved him or just how much she wanted him and needed him. It had killed her when they had broken up, the idea of losing him in any capacity. But she knew how unhealthy it had been, letting him in with empty promises only to be heartbroken all over again. Friendship had been easier in a sense. They could talk, turn to each other when they needed a shoulder, but there was no fear of this, being scared of being broken again.
But she loved Cam, more than anything. He was her everything, and even the thought crossing her mind was too much. She hated herself for even thinking about it, she wanted the future with him they always discussed. She wiped at her eyes, clearing her view as she looked down at Cam, his head cradled in her lap. She ran a hand over his head, gently caressing him. She wasn’t leaving, not anytime soon. “I’m here,” she rasped out in a whisper to him. She cleared her throat, the muscles feeling tight as she tried to speak. “Cam I’m not going anywhere, but you have to understand that I can’t keep doing this. I know it’s not going to be an easy road but I need to know what’s going on. If you need to hide from the world, that’s fine, but I need to know that you’re alive, that you’re not going to be gone forever.”
She reached down to him, holding his face in her hands, lifting it to meet her gaze. “I shouldn’t have to hear from someone else, Cam.” She blinked away another tear, and tried to steady her breathing. “I love you, okay? You can make mistakes, you can fuck up, you’re allowed to do that. But I need communication, babe. This is one of the many things I’m here for— support. That’s not going to change unless you can’t talk to me.” She wiped a tear off of Cam’s cheek. “I’m so sorry that you are going through this, and I’m so sorry you were going through this alone.”
He nodded along to every word she was saying, knowing that she was right. He should have gone to her, should have called her as soon as he found out. But instead he had let his demons get to him, the same one’s that had driven her away before. He swallowed thickly and tried to calm his breathing as he stayed on his knees, his hands moving to hold hers. “You’re right, y-you’re so right. I’m sorry..I should have...I shouldn’t have disappeared like that.” He wiped at his face and tried to get to his feet slowly before he sat on the edge of the bed.
He kept her hands in his and brought them to his lips which only caused him to cry more as everything hit him again. “I-I just felt..like..nothing made sense.” He dropped her hands and kept his eyes on the ground. “And I know it’s n-no excuse. We’ve been through this too many times..we’ve...I hate putting you through this..I’m so fucking sorry, Hads. I’ll do anything. I’ll go right back to AA, I’ll be with my sponsor everyday, I’ll go to a shrink, whatever it is, whatever I need to do to get better, whatever I need to do to not lose you.”
He knew that she hated to hear him say it over and over again but it had broken them before, he had watched her walk away after he had fucked up like this and he hated to see the look on her face. He hated himself for this, for keeping this disease alive inside of him. “I love you..more than I’ve ever loved anyone, Hadley. Y-you are...my entire world.” He met her eyes and felt his voice crack, his body feeling drained. “I-I promise you..th-this wont’ happen again, I promise you I’m going to get better, I’m..I’m going to talk to you, I’m going...I’m going to be better.” He felt so small and fragile as he looked at her, her eyes so worried and surely filled with anger.” He pulled her in again, wrapping his arms around her tight. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
