ehhhh @candysamberg - Tumblr Blog

this is personal but i feel like i’m just so anxious all the time that it’s actively impacting my ability to make friends aaaaaa!!!! as soon as i talk to anyone i ALWAYS start freaking out in my head because i’m just positive i’ve said something dumb and i overthink everything, i used to be overly impulsive to say things (which is bad in a different way) and now it’s like i can barely talk st some points because i’m so scared and i just feel like i’ll never have any close friends now because of this!

i just wish more people would wanna talk to me and not look at me like i’m weird, i know i’m probably overreacting and freaking out over stuff that i shouldn’t, but i just don’t know how to not feel like this. it hurts that i always end up never hanging out with people because i’m too fucking scared and people never ask me anyway. ughhhhhhhhhh

candysamberg

this just in: it was, in fact, autism!

honestly don’t even know what to say, my dude. feeling bummed. also super sorry for myself. simultaneously hate feeling that self-involved. but like… it’s my life. so it makes sense that i’m involved. still, it feels a bit pathetic. i can’t stop it, though. i feel so massively sorry for myself. it’s like a car accident i can’t look away from. i’m staring and pointing and forgetting to breathe. i want everyone else to look, too. it feels like everyone has to see it for it to be real, but it’s also simultaneously my secret to be kept. this is fucking weird. i don’t know what life is gonna look like now. would this even be a big deal to other people? or am i not reacting enough? (doubt it.) am i supposed to go out and live a “normal” life? and pretend like i’m fine, cause i can still somewhat “function” currently? i feel all turned around. how am i supposed to look at people and pretend i give a single shit about whatever’s happening in their life when i am so consumed with mine? at the same time, i am wildly jealous of other people; i consume bits and pieces of content of their lives like it’s my life source. i’m too scared to live my life, yet terrified of blinking and missing it. is this normal? no one will even read this, so i’m kind of just shouting into the abyss. i hear it’s supposed to shout back at me eventually or something; hope it has some good advice because i sure fucking need it.

#me

feeling really alone in my disease right now. weird that it’s a disease. i’m diseased…? odd. anyway, feeling completely alone in it. i’ve apparently had this since i was very young. knowing i may be at my best health now is not a very fun feeling. scared scared scared. i don’t know. people don’t even really see these, i almost forget i have a tumblr most of the time, but i just need to write it down somewhere. i can’t really tell the people i know in real life how alone i feel, because, you know, i’m not exactly alone. but i’m alone in my illness. their lives are moving on and i just feel stuck. just told someone new i met about my illness the other day and they told me the people they know with my illness wish they died young. how is that supposed to make me feel????

how do i keep on living with this? how do i look at people and pretend to feel connection when i just feel so alone?

#me

two months sober!!!

#me

trying to think of something coy or clever to post but i’m just sad about my brain. really hoping tysabri is working it’s magic. this kind of grief comes in waves, some days it’s shoved so far down that i almost forget and other days it’s all i feel.

#me

super weird knowing your boundaries were majorly crossed while simultaneously understanding that you were both just kids and that they didn’t understand the weight of the situation. i wish i could go back in time and give myself that clarity when i was 13. i’ve understood this for years and it still creates this hollow feeling in my gut. i still don’t know how to live with the complexity of it all.

#me

one month sober.

not me immediately bursting into tears from smelling a cigarette

#eleven days sober and basically anything makes me cry now #me

sarahgreenillustration

Rosh Hashanah is the start of the Jewish new year. We say l'shana tovah, which means have a good year. Apples and challah (dipped in honey) are symbols of hope for a sweet new year. :)

acimg

thegiftedoneishere

Please spread the word.

i’m two months sober today 🥺 i don’t know how long this will last but this is the longest i’ve been intentionally sober in a long time. very proud of myself and the work i’ve put in to make this my current reality.

#me #sober

loboflaco-deactivated20221016

Fuck the Fourth of July. Pay Native people now. I’m an Apache two spirit man affected deeply by the pandemic and supporting a family. All reparations will be going directly to rent, bills, food & essentials (which we desperately need), clothes & baby items for the girls, new eyeglasses for myself, and car repairs. I don’t have a set amount but in light of the recent events (Indian residential schools) and also the ongoing genocide white people put us under, I think we deserve all the $$ people can spare, especially if you’re ‘celebrating’ in any way, shape, or form. Every white person should reblog this btw, thank you.

cashapp

paypal

venmo (@LRed_577)

loboflaco-deactivated20221016

Pay up if you’re doing anything at all today tbh. I don’t care if it’s just free burgers and a pool party, there are Natives like myself worrying about keeping families housed and fed. I also don’t care if you think this comes off as aggressive—the US had/has over 395 residential schools and many of them are still in operation in various ways. Our suffering is not over and it doesn’t halt for a day so you can barbecue and cause environmental damage with your fireworks.