50% wolf, 50% sheep, 100% sad @canisaries - Tumblr Blog

Dec 5, 2018

canisaries here

so uhh

some of you have probably been wondering where i’ve been for the past... idk two years? and i feel like you all deserve an explanation and catch-up. i’d been thinking about making a post like this this for a while but never really got around to it. but now that the site seems to be going belly up (you know, just a lil bit) i figured that if i’m gonna say anything i should say it now. (i’m honestly massively surprised that i still remembered my password btw lol)

catch more after the break.

so my last posts seem to be from around the very start of 2017, and a lot has happened since then.

my reason for leaving was pretty simple, i think. i got fed up with a bunch of stuff about the site and decided to just call it quits. i’d had fed-ups like that before, but then i’d only delete the mobile app or take a break to get some distance to the site. but something broke the camel’s back, and i just gave up. i probably should have made an actual post about it back then, but well, can’t change that now.

i believe it was also around that time that i joined discord and had a lot of fun there. i’m still on discord to this day (i did quit the tpp subreddit discord a while ago, but i’m in spinoff servers so still connected to the people) and it’s really filling the spot for me that tumblr used to, which is talking about stuff i like, looking at cool content and then occasionally vent.

so i kind of jumped from here to there and made a lot of new friends. i’m really thankful for all of them and the emotional support they’ve given me, but i’m not gonna ignore that i also had some good relationships here. you know who you are and you’re cool.

then for my real life, which has had a lot going on.

when i left this place, i was in gymnasium (kinda-sorta high school in finland). in the last year of gymnasium, the students take big tests called matriculation examinations. they are subject-specific, are on absolutely EVERYTHING you learned in your three (sometimes four) years in gymnasium and last six breakless hours. you have to take at least four to graduate, but because i came from a family of overachievers, i took seven. they weren’t all at the same time - two of them were in fall 2016, but this still left five entire exams for the spring of 2017. and i wanted laudaturs from all of them. laudatur means you’re in the top 5% percent of all exam takers. i thought i could do it, as my sister also had seven exams and got laudaturs from all but one, from which she got eximia (top 15% after the top 5%). boy howdy was i wrong. i studied and studied and studied, reading 1-2 books a day, to power through all the material in the little time permitted. i was miserable and exhausted and cried a lot, because i knew i wasn’t going to get anywhere near what i wanted and felt like a massive failure.

eventually, the exams came and went. i knew i didn’t do perfectly, but i’d somehow managed to temporarily make peace with that and just go through the motions and try my best. then, after the final exam, it was all over. but i had no idea what was to come.

turns out that if you stretch yourself to your absolute limit and then finally let go, you will crash down hard. i got the worst i’d ever been. before, it was not out of place for me to cry and feel worthless, but at that point i would take several hours just to get out of bed and shower maybe once a week. i was terrified of my future, as i had no idea what university would be like. i just felt absolutely awful.

then, one day, i realized that crying all the time maybe wasn’t normal. my parents had just told me i was sensitive and so on before, but i started recognizing signs and began reading up on depression. i had never thought before that i may actually be mentally ill, because i didn’t have the worst of the symptoms and i could still kind of function, but my mind started opening.

i made the best decision of my life and decided to get help. thanks to being accepted to uni based on my exam grades alone (i ended up getting 3 laudaturs and 4 eximias which, while not perfect, is still pretty damn good now that i think about it objectively), i had access to the student health services and tried them out. so, as i’d expected, i got diagnosed with depression and given medication. the medication (duloxetine/cymbalta) was amazing at giving me back my energy and stopping my endless crying. i’m still on it. worked wonders... for the physical part.

my first year of uni began and i did pretty well. i was intimidated by some stuff and while i tried to get more social, that didn’t really work out and i was as solitary as i was before - but in general, not horrible. but while i had my energy to do things back, i still had a lot of issues on my mind, like fear of not being good enough and feeling like my art is shit and that i have no future. i thought back to the mental health pamphlets and remembered they said that the best help for mental illness consists of both medication and therapy. so i sought out therapy - though first, i saw a psychologist, then a psychiatrist, and then i found a therapist. the psychiatrist also diagnosed me with OCPD, obsessive compulsive personality disorder, which i didn’t know was a thing at all but the symptoms 100% matched me, and it really explained a big piece of my depression. i remember actually being happy to be diagnosed because it made so much sense and answered so many questions.

so to this day, i’m seeing a therapist. i think it’s helped at least a little. she’s helped me recognize a lot of issues and truths previously invisible. i’m still depressed, but i’m still better than i was in that post-exam summer.

i’m actually almost running late to one appointment right now, so i’m gonna get to the point: the point is that yes, even if you can kinda function in your daily life and don’t think about suicide on a daily basis, you may be depressed or have some other problems. mental illness can happen to anyone and it does not matter how “well off“ you are. it’s destructive to tell yourself not to worry about your own issues and ignore them completely because some other people somewhere have it worse. everyone deserves to be healthy and happy.

okay, so as a reward for making it this far, i’m going to tell you what i’ve been doing artistically. i’ve naturally kept making art, even if i’ve been busy, but i’ve also gotten a lot more serious about writing. remember agape? that was pretty bad. but i’ve been rewriting it! the rewrite’s name is seiren and you can find it on the writers’ sections of bulbagarden forums, serebii forums and also the tpp subreddit, but unless you really like using the search feature to find all the chapters which are in their individual posts, i suggest catching it on the forums.

seiren has a lot more to it than agape. it’s in first person, shirlee is an actual character, it’s longer with much more plot, it’s formatted better, the prose has evolved a lot...

but hold on there bucko! that’s not all! before i started rewriting agape, i wrote another fic, my magnum opus to date: hunter, haunted. it’s spooky and surreal and red is a jackass and i love it. i love it so much, in fact, that after some pretty heavy criticism i’m doing a revision of it. you can find it on serebii forums - on bulbagarden, it’s being updated on top of the old version, so it’s not the smoothest to read and you’d have to go through a bunch of reviews of the old version.

i also have a bunch of oneshots and this short story outside tpp that’s about this sort of pmd world with a big ol scolipede and a tiny lil cyndaquil as the focus. you can find those too in the aforementioned places.

as for my art, my deviantart is still the same as it was before. clicky here to see.

well, i hope this post has tied up some loose ends. right now i’m running late for my therapist appointment and freakign need to run to the bus stop so if you have anything you wanna ask me you can find me on da, reddit, discord or those forums okay i really gotta go now aaaaaaaaaaaa

#life #mental illness #depression #twitch plays pokemon #canisaries #ocpd #sorry for ghosting yall for 2 years whoops

canisaries

Jan 31, 2017

AGAPE - Part 8: I’m a Great Guy [FINALE]

In this part, Red makes up with Helix and everything is fine. Until.

Also, Agape ends and Canis is finally freed from her shackles. I appreciate you all sticking with this till the end. This was a bit different than the stuff I usually write, and I think I learned a lot of stuff. Also, comments are appreciated, as always.

And, for the final time (for Agape, I’m still gonna write other stuff in the future of course lol), enjoy!

---

The warm air that enveloped Red immediately after stepping inside the house almost forced him to feel relieved. Being outside had been pointless, and he finally got to cease that foolishness and move on to other affairs.

Having made it out of the hallway, he looked at the couch. He could see Fonz sitting there, accompanied by Helix, judging by their chatter between occasional glances at the television screen.

“Hey,” Red called out, to announce his presence.

“Hey,” greeted Fonz. No response from Helix.

Red took a glance at his bag. It was leaning onto the sofa, just where he’d left it. He’d better move it somewhere else soonish, even if it no one had reason to be interested in it.

Red walked over to the sofa, circled around it and sat on the end opposite from the two mon. He looked at the screen. Some kind of celebrity gossip news show was airing. It didn’t seem like the two had chosen to watch it, it appeared more to just be background noise to them.

Red stared at Helix. After noticing Red, the omanyte answered his look with a bashful one. Red smiled reassuringly. There was nothing for Him to be afraid of. Still, He looked away.

“My lord,” started Red. “How was school today?”

Fonz glared at him. Helix looked at Red’s feet.

“I guess it was nice,” He answered.

“Did you learn anything today?”

Red rested his head on his hand. He watched Helix as He pondered his question.

Red saw He was still a bit uncomfortable, which generally wasn’t good, but in a way it was still somehow kind of charming. Red’s smile became more genuine.

“Maybe,” said Helix. He clearly wasn’t sure. Had He been thinking about His situation so much that He hadn’t been able to pay full attention in class?

“Well, what subjects did you have today?”

“Uhh… There was english, math, physi...”

Helix’s speech trailed off as he slowly turned to the screen.

“Is... Is that ShirLee?” He suddenly said.

Red and Fonz both turned their heads towards the television in a rash manner, though Fonz still tried to appear casual while doing it.

Indeed, on the screen there flashed photos of the now-malamar idol. She was lying on her side on a white tiled floor with two empty bottles, one with her tentacle lazily wrapped around it and another a bit further away. SHIRLEE GONE TIPSY TURVY, the caption said. In the background, two daft, irritating voices recapped her story. One of ‘their guys’ had found her passed out flat on her face in a restroom. He hadn’t even recognized her first, but upon taking a closer look, he’d found ‘the scandal of the century’.

“Oh, poor girl...” said Helix aloud, sounding somewhat disheartened, but not too disheartened.

Yes. Poor girl. To be cut down in her prime like that… So unfortunate.

Red tried to feel even a tiny bit sorry for the singer to create the right kind of reaction for the situation, but found himself unable to sympathize with her. He settled for a brief dispirited expression.

Suddenly, Red heard the front door open.

“I’m home,” he could hear a familiar voice say. Abe. He sounded tired.

Red heard his brother drop his backpack, heavy with school books, onto the hallway floor. He’d probably soon pick it up again to move it next to some table to do his homework. Red directed his attention back to the screen and ignored his brother’s presence.

But he couldn’t, for Abe then unexpectedly called his name.

Red turned to him, but didn’t let go of the couch.

“AJ wanted to talk to you,” Abe continued.

AJ? What business did he have with Red? They hadn’t spoken in a while. Not after the whole symbiont incident.

Red stared at Abe’s face, waiting for him to elaborate on the situation. He stared back for a while, apparently trying to convey some nonverbal message, but gave up after Red gave no response.

“He asked me if school was over for me yet. You know what that means.”

Red sighed, glanced at the ceiling and moved over to his brother. Abe dug out his phone.

“You wanna talk to him now?” he asked.

“Sure, why not,” muttered Red, disinterested.

Abe began calling AJ. Soon, Red could hear something from the speaker.

“Hi, it’s Abe. Red’s here,” Abe replied.

Something was said by the other party, and Abe promptly handed the phone over to Red. After Red had taken it, Abe left the room. Whatever they had to discuss, he didn’t want to hear it, apparently.

“Yes?” asked Red after raising the device to his ear.

“Fuck do you mean I’m your boyfriend?” shouted the speaker instantly after.

“What?”

“Look, just because I tolerated you during that whole parasite episode of yours, it doesn’t mean I hate you any less!”

“When did I call you my-”

Red remembered the discussion he’d had in the hotel room with ShirLee.

Oh. Right. That.

He changed his question. “How did you hear about that?”

“You’re not the one asking the questions here! How the fuck am I your boyfriend?”

“Well-”

“Do you even know how much explaining I had to do to Joey because of you?”

“Who the hell is Joey?”

“My boyfriend!”

“You have a boyfriend?”

Red was fully aware that AJ had a boyfriend, but he knew how much that question aggravated him.

“You fucking… Fuck you! Of course I do!”

Red snorted, but decided to answer AJ’s question nonetheless. He probably wouldn’t get an answer to his own otherwise. If at all.

“Listen, AJ. That was a misunderstanding, and it certainly won’t happen in the future.”

“Better fucking not.”

“I mean it, AJ, I already told you I’m celibate. But, again, where did you hear that?”

“What makes you think I’ll tell you, asshole?”

Damn it. Red needed to play it cool, but AJ was really getting on his nerves.

“Just do it,” he growled.

“Fine,” AJ sighed. He seemed tired as well. “Some mon came asking about you.”

“What kind of mon?”

“Hell if I know, one of those foreign ones. She was big and resembled a tentacool a bit.”

ShirLee?

Red quit breathing for a second or two.

Ah, no. Must have been one of her fans. ShirLee had shared a lot of their discussion. She must have shared the whole boyfriend part, too. If a human attracted to coldbloods was such a rarity, the thought of two had to have been overwhelmingly exciting.

“Well, did you tell her anything?” Red asked.

“Of course not! I didn’t want her thinking I was buddies with you or anything. In fact, I told her to stay away from you. Because, you know, I care about other mon?”

AJ’s tone irritated Red, but he was glad to hear his words. He, however, would most definitely not let AJ know that.

“Whatever,” Red muttered. AJ let out a short, hostile humph.

Regardless, Red felt relieved. He’d gotten all the information he needed. Now he was free to talk as he wished.

“AJ,” he began again, in a low, calm voice.

“What now?” AJ groaned in response.

“Just so you know,” Red continued, “Your body was terrible for Him.”

“What the fuck are you even saying?”

“When you housed that symbiont...”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, I don’t care.”

“Quite frankly, AJ, I’m surprised He even survived in your poor excuse of a body.”

“What the fuck kind of insult is that?”

“You’re weak, AJ. If you didn’t have your mon to protect you...”

“We have a contract, remember? Or are you really that stupid?”

True, he couldn’t do anything, even if AJ’s help had so far been minimal. There just hadn’t come a good opportunity to utilize him.

“The deal was to leave you alone for the duration of the contract and a year after,” Red recapped. “You called me, however, so I can threaten you as much as I want. So, with that said…”

Red slowly leaned onto the kitchen table. His breathing slowed down. These thoughts were so alluring...

“I can’t wait… to feel you struggle with my hand on your mouth… as I raise my blade and-”

“Just shut the fuck up, you edgy piece of shit,” AJ snapped.

Red humphed. He’d totally ruined the moment. “Pansy,” he muttered.

“Rapist-lookin’ ass,” AJ muttered back.

“You should try working out sometime to fix that pitiful body of yours. You look like you couldn’t even overpower an egg,” Red mocked.

“At least I don’t whack it to the Discovery Channel!” AJ retorted. Whatever that meant.

“I’ll kill you one day.”

“Go ahead and try, asshole!”

“Bitch.”

“Fuck you. Goodbye.”

Red could hear the dial tone. Apparently, the call was over. He sighed and placed the phone screen down on the table. Abe would find it.

He glanced at the bag in the living room. It was still there. He walked over to pick it up, voicing a quiet “excuse me” when Fonz looked at him with some suspicion in his eyes.

He made his way upstairs to his own room. The familiar bare walls and bland furniture greeted him as he stepped inside and closed the door behind him.

He placed the bag onto the floor and pushed it under the bed. The sheets moved to hide it as it entered the space fully. Red gave it one more push to ensure it was far deep enough and then stood back up. He stared at his bed and decided to lie down on it for a while.

Friday… He had plenty of time to spend with his Lord. Enough to make Him realize that there really was nothing to feel bad about. Enough to remind Him of how loyal he was and how he’d never turn against Him. And he would start right away.

“Hey,” he greeted as he leaned on the back of the couch. Fonz and Helix turned to him.

“Hey,” responded both. Good. Progress.

“Is there anything You need, my lord?” asked Red patiently.

“Um… Not really,” said Helix, sounding shy.

Red walked over to sit down on the sofa.

“My lord, it really isn’t a problem,” he said encouragingly.

“Yeah, but, I mean… I just don’t wanna be a burden, that’s all,” said Helix.

“You’re not a burden, my lord,” said Red. “It is a great pleasure to serve you.”

Helix said nothing. He didn’t look as uncomfortable anymore, however.

Red had a brave thought, but wasn’t sure if he dared to act upon it.

“My lord...” he started hesitantly. Helix looked at him curiously. “Would You like me to… hold You, my lord?”

That wasn’t a normal request. Red knew he’d made a mistake. He looked away, beginning to blush.

“...Sure.”

Red looked back in surprise. He… He’d said yes.

Helix stared back with a strange look in his eyes.

Red reached his hands towards Him. He didn’t recoil, so he touched His shell. Red moved his hands around Him and picked Him up. He didn’t resist at all. It seemed like He really trusted him.

Red smiled and held Helix against his chest. Helix looked happy, too.

They’d made up. They were lord and servant again. They were two, but now a bit closer to one.

Red shifted into a more comfortable position. Helix touched his hands and arms with His tentacles. Red’s breathing calmed.

It was like nothing had happened at all.

Red closed his eyes and felt his heart beat against Helix’s shell. Helix felt it, too. He brought Himself closer. He listened to the rhythm to which the blood in his body flowed through his flesh. The pulse of his mortality. Their bodies were truly extraordinary, weren’t they? Helix had passingly mentioned something about wishing to be a warmblood on Monday, hadn’t He. He’d almost got to be one a while ago…

But that wasn’t important now. They were finally back together. Everything was fine. Everything had turned out alright in the end.

“My lord...” he whispered. He surprised himself - he wasn’t planning on saying anything.

“Yeah?” asked Helix in a drowsy voice.

“I l-”

He managed to regain control of his tongue.

“I really care about you, my lord.”

“I think you’re cool too...” mumbled Helix. He fell asleep right after.

It was quiet. Outside, it was pitch black. Fonz, Helix, Abe - they’d all gone to sleep already. Only Red was still up.

He didn’t know why he’d chosen to stay awake for a bit longer. He just hadn’t felt that tired, apparently.

But there he was, lying on the couch, reading one of Abe’s school books. Abe had left it open on the kitchen table. He’d decided to leave the rest of his homework for tomorrow, it seemed.

It was mathematics. Red didn’t understand much of it, but the strange symbols and jargon were easy on his eyes when he didn’t have to decipher them. Above all, it was something to do.

Suddenly, something shattered the silence, startling Red. It was a knock on the front door. Red checked the clock on the wall. 23:31. Who would be out at this hour?

Cautiously, he stood up, put the book away and walked up to the door.

He waited.

Another knock could be heard soon. They must have had an actual reason to be here, whomever they were.

Red made sure his knife was with him. He then opened the door.

“...Hi.”

No.

What?

That wasn’t right. She was gone. She couldn’t be here.

“I-I’m sorry to be troubling you this late, but...”

But there she was, despite everything. Levitating just outside his own house, tentacles huddled together for minimum heat loss in the snowfall. There were no snowflakes on her. Red just now noticed the slight buzzing in his wrist.

“ShirLee,” Red breathed.

“Y-You recognize me?” she asked, astonished.

“I… I saw you on the news,” he said.

“Oh, yeah, that makes sense...”

Why was she here? Why did she have to come here? Couldn’t the bitch just leave it be?

No, no, no. He had to think clearly now. He could still save this. He just had to play friendly. He’d eliminate all doubts from her mind by acting like an ally.

“So… Wh-What brings you here?” he asked.

“I… Well, this might sound crazy, but...”

Red was getting cold. He sighed, but tried to hide the contempt in his breath.

“It’s cold out there,” he said. “You should come in, we can talk inside.”

“O-Oh, okay, sure. Thanks.”

The malamar hovered inside, barely fitting through the door frame. She moved further in as Red closed to door slowly, taking his time to check no one had been following her.

“Yeah, so… If you saw the news, you probably heard about the whole… yeah.”

Red nodded stiffly. He couldn’t yet tell whether she believed the story herself.

“Thing is… I don’t remember anything from that night. Like, I’ve... ”

She paused, looking ashamed, but soon sighed and spoke again.

“Oh, it doesn’t matter what I tell you… No one cares about me anymore, anyway.”

She took a deep breath. With a forced somber expression, Red tried to appear like he felt bad for her.

“This isn’t the first time I’ve had a night like this…” she explained. “You know, drinking. But… Those nights, I’ve still had at least a bit of an idea where I’ve been. Whatever the case, I always feel like I’ve at least… been for those hours. A-And then I can find out where to ask when I want to know what happened. But this time… nothing.”

She didn’t sound like she was lying. It really seemed as if those hours had been thoroughly erased from her mind. Perfect. But...

Why had she come here in particular, then? She’d met him only once before, and she didn’t even know where he lived. Unless… Had AJ lied? If it had really been her instead of just some fans, had AJ told her his address? It had to have been so. There was no way she remembered where she’d been. All Red had done was mention Pallet once, and her memories were gone. She’d just proven that.

“Except...” she added.

Except?

“Y-Your name,” she said. “It’s… Red Akai, isn’t it?”

The word was a spear thrust through his throat. It made him unable to speak. He...

Ah, no, it was fine! She had to have just-

“And I remember clearly that you never told me your last name at the hotel...”

She… She hadn’t heard it from AJ.

“We must have met sometime during that night... So, I was hoping you could shed some light on what hap-”

“Yes!”

ShirLee quickly turned to him, surprised at how abrupt his answer had been.

Red hadn’t really planned to say that. The word came out as fast and as unexpectedly as a reflex.

Apparently, he’d now have to come up with a story. He only had seconds to form a believable lie. He dearly hoped all the details would fit. He had no time to check.

“I did see you that night,” he said, buying himself more time.

“Oh, that’s... great?” she said. “Where-”

“I saw you drunk,” he interrupted her. He couldn’t answer “where” yet, and hoped he could distract her enough to not have to answer it at all.

“Some time after the show, I was walking and I bumped into you.”

“Oh?”

“You were acting kind of strange. You wanted to chat. You wanted to know stuff about me… I guess I gave you my last name sometime during our chat.”

“Oh, okay...”

“After the chat… you just walked off. Or hovered, I guess,” said Red. He faked a remorseful expression. “I should have stopped you...”

“Oh, no, no, no,” she rushed to say. “Y-You don’t need to feel bad. You don’t have to feel responsible for this. It’s my own fault for going drinking in the first place...”

There was a brief silence.

“So... you really don’t remember anything?” asked Red.

“No, nothing...” she confirmed. “And it’s really weird, too… I don’t normally drink the brand of beer I was found holding. In fact, I hate it. I must have been really smashed...”

Well, I’m sorry for not being too aware of your preferences, you whore, thought Red. He was getting angry for some reason. Before that, he’d just been afraid.

He looked at her from her fins to her head tentacles. Her light organs were dark. Had they healed correctly, or did it still hurt her to use them? Maybe evolving with them broken had ruined them for good… The thought of it was satisfying, but dangerous. She wouldn’t have wrecked them so badly on a normal drinking spree.

“Well… What are you going to do now?” asked Red, both out of curiosity and to be polite.

“I’m going back to my family in Unova,” she answered quietly. “My plane leaves in an hour or so… but I had to come and see you. I had to know.”

“I understand.”

Red sat down on the couch. He gestured her to sit down too, but she declined. Red decided not to get back up, even if it meant placing himself lower than the mon.

“By the way...” Red began. “How did you find your way here? I can’t remember whether or not I gave you my address...”

“Oh, well, I remembered you mentioning your boyfriend AJ, and-”

Red jerked forward. “Uhh, he’s not really my-”

“Don’t worry, I know.”

“I-I just felt like I had to give a name-”

“Yeah, I understand. You must have been concerned about the privacy of your real boyfriend.”

Close enough. “Yes, exactly.”

“Anyway, I thought his name rung a bell, and I looked him up. Apparently, he was the first openly gay champion of Johto. After that, I looked around online, and by his friends’ posts and all I managed to find his house. At that point, it was pretty apparent he wasn’t really your boyfriend, but it was still worth a shot asking him about you.”

“Did he tell you where I live?”

“No, he told me to steer clear of you, actually… But his espeon friend told me. He even offered to show me the way, but I didn’t take him up on the offer. I felt like I had to do this alone.”

Red nodded. Good call on her part. Red could barely stand her being here, that damned cat on top would have been too much.

He took another look at her. She was wet. Apparently she’d melted and warmed the snow around her outside. She was dripping, even. The droplets on her made their way down on her body, merging together upon meeting. The light reflected off the water made her sparkle. Her lustrous skin was as smooth as ever.

He saw her lavender head tentacles begin to spread out, having warmed up. He could see glimpses of their light blue undersides.

Was the symbol still there? What if she’d found it? If she’d healed it, she would remember everything again in just a matter of hours… But she hadn’t said anything about any wounds...

“Did you notice anything different about yourself when you woke up?” asked Red. “It could give you a clue as to what happened during the rest of the night...”

“Well, my light organs were sore, but that happens sometimes, anyway… I mean, back when I was a...”

She couldn’t go on.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to talk about it,” said Red.

“...Anyway, there wasn’t anything beside the pain in the light organs…” she said. “And the headache, of course.”

“Do you still have a headache?”

“No, it… went away on its own. Faster than usual, but I’m not complaining.”

So she hadn’t used potions. Red could slow his breathing rhythm again. But that still didn’t explain her remembering his name.

“...I’m sorry about what happened at the hotel,” said the malamar suddenly.

“What do you mean?”

Red welcomed the change of subject with open arms.

“I was coming on to you way too hard. I acted really weird… You must have felt really uncomfortable.”

“No, I should be the one apologizing,” said Red. “I acted like an idiot, asking you to end your career and all that...”

He winced internally. He might have just made her make a connection in her mind.

“That was foolish and wrong of me,” he said to distract her. “I wasn’t thinking clearly back then.”

“That’s okay...”

The malamar looked at the clock.

“I guess I should get going,” she sighed. “My plane leaves soon.”

“Are you going alone?”

“Arktos offered me a ride to the airport. He said it was the least he could do after my manager and dad...”

She squinted her eyes and wavered for a bit. Red realized she was holding back tears.

“A-Anyway, I guess I’ll get to see my mom and siblings again, at least,” she said. “I feel like I haven’t seen them in ages.”

She looked straight into Red’s eyes. Red stared into hers. Her black sclerae and yellow irides belonged to a fierce predator, but she was so weak, so helpless. Just like she’d been as an inkay. She looked wild now, but she was meeker than ever…

His gaze moved upwards along her, lured in by the swaying motions of her tentacles. The way they slithered back and forth was almost hypnotic. He couldn’t look away.

“Th-Thank you for taking the time to talk to me,” she said quietly.

“I assure you, it’s nothing,” said Red, standing up. His knees felt stiff. He forced his eyes to focus back on her face, but soon they started to wander everywhere on her body.

She was still wet.

Red’s heart was beating faster. His movements became more tense.

“Yeah, I’ll just… I’ll just be on my way then,” said the malamar. She didn’t seem like she’d noticed anything off about Red.

She levitated herself a bit higher off the ground and began floating towards the hall. Red followed, slowly and quietly.

She wasn’t looking at him anymore.

He couldn’t repress his thoughts any longer.

He wanted to pull out his knife and rip her open. He wanted to see what her insides looked like. He wanted to tear out any one of her three hearts and shove it into her throat and hear what her dying gags sounded like. He wanted to lick her bleeding wounds clean. What would it taste like?

With a trembling hand, he reached for the hilt of his weapon. He caressed its smooth wooden surface with his twitching fingers. Now, do it now, his instincts told him over and over again, before it’s too late.

But.

He couldn’t. His mind listed him all the reasons why it wouldn’t work out, or why it would be a terrible choice even if it did. She was heavier and stronger now. They would hear her screams. They would see her body. They would ask questions. The world would find out. The world would imprison him. Maybe even kill him. He would never make it.

But.

She was right there. He had the element of surprise. Or he could always say he still had something to show her, then retrieve the spores and drug her. He could do whatever he wanted to her in the basement.

But.

She was still famous. The world would notice her absence. The world would find out about her ties to him and the world would ask questions. He knew all that. Everything was still fine right now. If he just waited this out, his plan would have worked perfectly. He’d never have to hear about her again. It would be over.

All he needed to do was be a good boy and wait patiently.

He jerked his hand away from the knife. Why did it have to be so close to him? Resisting it was so difficult, it hurt…

Somehow, however, he managed to calm and relax his hand.

He looked away from her.

But he had to look back.

And he couldn’t take it.

“Wh-What are you-”

The malamar turned around to see why Red had grabbed her by the arm.

“It’s cold outside,” blurted Red. “You should have a scarf.”

He retracted his arm. His fingers stayed bent, resembling talons more than anything belonging to a human body.

He looked at the shelf next to them. He noticed a large plaid scarf. One of Fonz’s. He grabbed it and presented it to the malamar.

“Here,” he said, struggling to maintain a normal voice. “Take mine.”

“Oh, I couldn’t...”

“I insist. I don’t want you to get a cold.”

“...Thank you,” said the malamar, deeply moved. “You’re such a great guy...”

She put the scarf on with her telekinesis. Red was momentarily distracted by the tingling in his wrist, for which he was grateful. He felt like he could think more clearly again.

“Allow me,” said Red, and opened the front door for her.

“Thanks...” whispered the malamar, moving through the door frame, keeping eye contact with Red. Red could smell her as she floated by.

“Take care, alright?” Red added.

“You too...” she responded, turning her back on him and beginning to hover forwards. The snowflakes still avoided her skin, but stuck to her scarf.

“Goodbye, ShirLee,” said Red.

The malamar stopped for a moment.

“Goodbye, Red.”