poems and stuff

21. dublin. this is a me-shaped hole in the internet

[cannabiskoi]

you will slip from your sorrows like swallows shed the soil: stumbling skyward. climbing relentlessly. all skies are blue above the clouds. all tears fall earthwards. i will always remember swimming beside you. the crisp bright air, the sound of the tide.

what’s up ahead

[cannabiskoi]

today, tomorrow

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shadows and sun

[cannabiskoi]

i am still alive and have even been writing some poems again

[cannabiskoi]

Did you write this poem: Lying in the grass/ he asks if god is here now/ ants worms sky silence many times she asks/ moon will you hold all my dreams/ so that I can rest/ drift together noon: shadows stretch across the sheets/ lonely Sunday light

no, that's from an artificial intelligence app

[cannabiskoi]

a rare break from poetry

https://www.gofundme.com/equine-physiotherapy-college-tuition?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=fb_co_shareflow_w&fbclid=IwAR1DcFMUinMW8i2Kwj0rPL5vH2T8_W6IpCrbKXLIh3rI9yWEDGQK83tg9ic

if you’ll indulge me for a few minutes, i’d like to tell a quick story, at the risk of compromising the anonymity of this blog which is so important to me (despite the fact that i’ve uploaded pictures of myself / my dog). before i get into it, i wanted to share what my name is with you guys. just because i feel like it’s only fair. 

my name is eoin. it’s a pleasure to meet you.

there’s a girl i know called katie. a worrying portion of the poems on this blog are about her, but that’s another issue. i met katie for the first time at an introductory meeting for students with disabilities at my university. she came in late and i pulled a chair off a stack of chairs for her to sit in. unusually for me, we got very close very quickly. she rapidly became one of my favourite human beings. she still is.

katie and i were admitted to the same psychiatric hospital, independently of each other, within three days of each other. which sounds like a bad joke but there you go. it sounds weird, but going through that together forged a bond. she was my girlfriend for a period, but that didn’t really work. i was using too many drugs and she dumped me. which, you know, given the circumstances, i’d dump me too. point being: we’re no longer in a relationship, but we always worked better as friends anyway.

katie has had a hell of a time of it. i won’t go into that here because she’s described it plenty well herself in the link i included at the top of this post. it’s a gofundme campaign. i’m sure we can all relate to money being tight, just as i’m sure we can all relate to the difficulty in finding what it is we want to do.

katie has found what she wants to do, but in her current financial situation it’s not so straightforward. i’m not asking anybody to donate: you’ve all already donated your time to reading my (often mopey, occasionally just outright bad) poetry. for which i am more thankful than you can imagine. instead, what i’m asking is to please share the above campaign in the hope that somebody, somewhere, can spare a few bucks. i feel incredibly fortunate to no longer be suicidal, and a large part of getting through that is the belief that people are inherently kind, and decent, and well-meaning, the vast majority of the time. and i do believe that, somewhere way deep down. it’s next to the part of me that’s afraid of the dark and the part of me that gets moved by beauty. i’d like to think it’s there in all of us.

thank you for reading this far. like i’ve said before, if you’ve read anything i’ve written, i consider you my friend. i don’t have many friends—i’ve never had an easy time making or maintaining friendships—so it really does mean a lot. 

i thought i’d finish this long and indulgent post with a fragment from desolation angels, by jack kerouac. the context of this quote doesn’t matter much, which is a good thing since i can’t remember it. i just think it’s a beautiful arrangement of six (six! he did this with only six words! fuck you, jack) words.

‘...churchbells, thronging the air like flowers...’

with all my love

eoin 

[cannabiskoi]

my nietzsche lecture started forty minutes ago. instead of bullet point nihilism i'm staring at ducks. i have been drinking for the last four hours and show no signs of abating anytime soon. still: the water. still: your teeth on my neck. callous memories—lipstick agony—all my useless dreams stacked up in front of me, a weary procession of headstones. but your tongue tasted like black olives. i haven't forgotten that yet.

back in the rut, counting various blessings

[cannabiskoi]

this isn't a poem, but i just thought i'd let you guys know that i haven't abandoned this blog, i've just been busy. i also wanted to say that i'm really happy. this doesn't happen often so i thought i'd get it on the record for posterity. i am so very happy. :)

[cannabiskoi]

we drink ourselves stuporous and think about violets like we do every night floodlights announce boats breaking the cool sleep of dublin bay as if it were nothing but waves—their lights are stars that pause like raindrops at your bedroom window no matter how intense the purple death is greater, death sings to us about a silence that isn't interrupted, is only deepened by the barely-there symphony of seagulls + whitecaps + traffic, moving slowly

gloom

[cannabiskoi]

You're seriously boycotting Tumblr too! You haven't been active for a while now. Please come back.

hi, i'm actually not boycotting tumblr i have just been busy with some personal shit. it's been a few days but i'm still here :)

[cannabiskoi]

fuck these scars

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standstill

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dopamine // sad thoughts

[cannabiskoi]

you fall towards me carefully like a fine spring rain and when your touch lands it’s only ever gentle the hollow against which we light our desperate candles can be mapped precisely onto the chasm of your neck sonya is the perfect name for you with your siberia of bedsheets waiting almost patiently for my eager repentance in your eyes there are angels but consider the electrons how frantic they might look if you aren’t in a hurry

electricity and snow

[cannabiskoi]

What do you look like?

a human male

[cannabiskoi]

Do you have plans of leaving tumblr as most people or you wanna continue on the platform?

i reckon i'll export all of this to a wordpress site or something and just treat it as a blog. tumblr's nice but they're about to fuck it up, unfortunately

[cannabiskoi]

look at what you've built here. look how long we've been talking. look at the stalagmites of books and at the orange tuscany dust which stakes a sepia claim everywhere it lands. don't tell me you can't see it: look: two urns of coffee and an ashtray that needs emptying. candles. clothes. your violin in the corner like a hyacinth in a window— you have carved yourself into these small and pale things and my god do they love you for it

your bedroom