Can't Fuck Bracket

For characters that don't fuck. Mod uses they/them pronouns. [Icon ID: The "no bitches?" meme] [Header ID: The "unfuckable" pride flag, consisting of several stripes in varying tones of blue. End ID]

[cantfuckbracket]

Welcome to the Can't Fuck Bracket, where YOU vote for the character who has the most unfuckable swag

Do you love characters that don't fuck? Characters whose dicks would make U-turns and whose pussies would clamp itselves shut if they ever came close to performing a sexual act? Characters who would try to fuck and end up leaving snot all over their poor partner? Characters who have never ever ever made their partner cum? Well, this bracket is for you!

Vote for YOUR favorite unfuckable characters and let's find out who Tumblr crowns the least fuckable of them all!

Our 2023 champion was Lord Farquaad!

[ID: Lord Farquaad grinning in bed, shirtless. He is wearing a crown and a sash that says "unfuckable", and there is confetti over him. End ID]

2023 bracket

Header is from this heritage post

[cantfuckbracket]

omg hey mod! glad to see youre still around! i was getting a little worried about you

im so sorry i just completely forgor 😭 i just started a new job and life's been chaotic but im going to sort through the submissions and make the bracket soon! and thank you for your patience and worry, it's very sweet of you <3

[cantfuckbracket]

I FORGOR

[cantfuckbracket]

Can u share some of the funniest submissions youve got so far or do we gotta wait with bated breath for the actual bracket 👀

i was gonna be like idk sounds cool to be mysterious but then i remembered that i never shut up and also have already posted some submissions of note so

i'll avoid posting any of the actual fuckaganda tho since that'll be on the bracket and i want to be neutral somewhat. once it's done y'all can ask me what my favorite fuckagandas were lol. but here are some of my favorite "anything you'd like to add"s:

[ID: Collection of text that reads, "my goal with this one is to make non-bg3 players post the horrified mcdonalds drive thru cashier meme", "anything you'd like to add?" "I could fix him", "hypothetically if he were less depressed he could fuck but he will never be less depressed. being depressed is his whole thing.", "we should run him over", "anything you'd like to add?" "I'm sorry. You are so strong", "making sure to add some failwomen", "Can you add Margaret Thatcher as his +1 please his emotional support awful woman", "anything you'd like to add?" "no one cares abt this but me", and "I love him but he deserves this". End ID]

.

And the full submission for "My OC Thargaret Matcher":

Former Prime Minister of the nation of the UK (United Kungpowpenis), basically fucked over every last poor person in her country, ruined everyone's lives, then tried to get away with it by starting a war against a much poorer nation because they wanted the land that she stole back from them. Sometimes I worry that I made her too comically evil lol, but definitely unfuckable (also, atrocious hair)

[cantfuckbracket]

I need to aim big. I say Emet Selch from Final fantasy fourteen. He's too desirable. He hates us all. He doesn't even consider the player as a living person and says it's not murder if he kills us. He will file a restraining order against anyone who tries.

sounds great, please use the form to make your submission

[cantfuckbracket]

[ID: The "no bitches?" meme, edited to read, "The Can't Fuck Bracket fandom is dying, reblog if you're a true cucker". End ID]

REMINDER THAT SUBMISSIONS ARE STILL OPEN!

If you have a blorbo or anti-blorbo who sucks in bed and/or could never find a willing partner, there is still time to get them nominated for the title of unfuckable champion 2024!

Check the rules and get the submission form here

[cantfuckbracket]

[ID: The "no bitches?" meme, edited to read, "The Can't Fuck Bracket fandom is dying, reblog if you're a true cucker". End ID]

REMINDER THAT SUBMISSIONS ARE STILL OPEN!

If you have a blorbo or anti-blorbo who sucks in bed and/or could never find a willing partner, there is still time to get them nominated for the title of unfuckable champion 2024!

Check the rules and get the submission form here

[cantfuckbracket]

[ID: The "no bitches?" meme, edited to read, "The Can't Fuck Bracket fandom is dying, reblog if you're a true cucker". End ID]

REMINDER THAT SUBMISSIONS ARE STILL OPEN!

If you have a blorbo or anti-blorbo who sucks in bed and/or could never find a willing partner, there is still time to get them nominated for the title of unfuckable champion 2024!

Check the rules and get the submission form here

[cantfuckbracket]

[ID: The "no bitches?" meme, edited to read, "The Can't Fuck Bracket fandom is dying, reblog if you're a true cucker". End ID]

REMINDER THAT SUBMISSIONS ARE STILL OPEN!

If you have a blorbo or anti-blorbo who sucks in bed and/or could never find a willing partner, there is still time to get them nominated for the title of unfuckable champion 2024!

Check the rules and get the submission form here

[cantfuckbracket]

[ID: The "no bitches?" meme, edited to read, "The Can't Fuck Bracket fandom is dying, reblog if you're a true cucker". End ID]

REMINDER THAT SUBMISSIONS ARE STILL OPEN!

If you have a blorbo or anti-blorbo who sucks in bed and/or could never find a willing partner, there is still time to get them nominated for the title of unfuckable champion 2024!

Check the rules and get the submission form here

[cantfuckbracket]

[ID: The "no bitches?" meme, edited to read, "The Can't Fuck Bracket fandom is dying, reblog if you're a true cucker". End ID]

REMINDER THAT SUBMISSIONS ARE STILL OPEN!

If you have a blorbo or anti-blorbo who sucks in bed and/or could never find a willing partner, there is still time to get them nominated for the title of unfuckable champion 2024!

Check the rules and get the submission form here

[cantfuckbracket]

[ID: The "no bitches?" meme, edited to read, "The Can't Fuck Bracket fandom is dying, reblog if you're a true cucker". End ID]

REMINDER THAT SUBMISSIONS ARE STILL OPEN!

If you have a blorbo or anti-blorbo who sucks in bed and/or could never find a willing partner, there is still time to get them nominated for the title of unfuckable champion 2024!

Check the rules and get the submission form here

[cantfuckbracket]

Quick rules refresher!

This isn't the ace bracket, it's the can't fuck/bad in bed bracket. If your character is ace or celibate then that rules but that in itself does not qualify them for the tournament. In order for them to qualify, they have to either be completely undesirable AND/OR be an awful lay

This means characters who have canonically had sex but who are bad at it, whether canonically or in the submitter's headcanon, DO qualify

CHARACTERS IN THIS LIST ARE INELIGIBLE. I'VE MADE A LIST. IT REALLY CAN'T GET EASIER THAN THIS. JUST CLICK ON THE LINK, PRESS CTRL + F AND CHECK IF YOUR CHARACTER IS IN THE LIST BEFORE SUBMITTING THEM

Number of submissions is part of the criteria to qualify, as well as reasoning and enthusiasm, so be sure to put some effort into the "why should they be in the tournament" question and get your fellow haters involved

You have to say nice things about me <3

If your submission is within these parameters, submit them here! If not, then probably don't. Also stop sending me asks saying X or Y character has kids or fucked onscreen or whatever, IT DOESN'T MATTER AS LONG AS THEIR PARTNER DIDN'T CUM!

[cantfuckbracket]

HISTORICAL FIGURES ALSO HAVE TO HAVE BEEN DEAD FOR AT LEAST 100 YEARS TO QUALIFY! SOME OF Y'ALL'S SUBMISSIONS DIED IN THE 2010S! GUYS PLEASE

[cantfuckbracket]

[ID: The "no bitches?" meme, edited to read, "The Can't Fuck Bracket fandom is dying, reblog if you're a true cucker". End ID]

REMINDER THAT SUBMISSIONS ARE STILL OPEN!

If you have a blorbo or anti-blorbo who sucks in bed and/or could never find a willing partner, there is still time to get them nominated for the title of unfuckable champion 2024!

Check the rules and get the submission form here

[cantfuckbracket]

[ID: The "no bitches?" meme, edited to read, "The Can't Fuck Bracket fandom is dying, reblog if you're a true cucker". End ID]

REMINDER THAT SUBMISSIONS ARE STILL OPEN!

If you have a blorbo or anti-blorbo who sucks in bed and/or could never find a willing partner, there is still time to get them nominated for the title of unfuckable champion 2024!

Check the rules and get the submission form here

[cantfuckbracket]

[ID: The "no bitches?" meme, edited to read, "The Can't Fuck Bracket fandom is dying, reblog if you're a true cucker". End ID]

REMINDER THAT SUBMISSIONS ARE STILL OPEN!

If you have a blorbo or anti-blorbo who sucks in bed and/or could never find a willing partner, there is still time to get them nominated for the title of unfuckable champion 2024!

Check the rules and get the submission form here

[cantfuckbracket]

[ID: The "no bitches?" meme, edited to read, "The Can't Fuck Bracket fandom is dying, reblog if you're a true cucker". End ID]

REMINDER THAT SUBMISSIONS ARE STILL OPEN!

If you have a blorbo or anti-blorbo who sucks in bed and/or could never find a willing partner, there is still time to get them nominated for the title of unfuckable champion 2024!

Check the rules and get the submission form here