So this has the potential to be a long one. I’ve spent a very long time now just feeling low and I have no idea how to help myself any more. Nothing I do makes me happy because the one thing that will actually help me, I’m getting nowhere with!
I officially graduated in July. I’ve been looking for work since April. So far I have had one interview for a job I firmly believe they had no intention of giving to me, they just wanted to tick a box saying they’d interviewed a graduate. I saved enough in my current account to that I didn’t have to touch my actual savings, the stuff that’s supposed to one day help me buy a house. But I won’t be able to depend on that much longer. I need a job. Doing whatever. I need money going into my account. My tax, insurance and MOT is due on my car in October and I don’t think I’ll have enough. Jobs where I need a degree, I don’t have enough experience for. Anything else they don’t want to hire me because they think I’ll just leave. The plan was get a job, and if its not related to my degree, then do some volunteer work to gain the experience I need. I know what you’re thinking ‘just do the volunteer work without the job’. That’s what everyone keeps telling me. But how do I get there? That requires money! Cars don’t move without petrol and that costs money. So I’m stuck in a rut. I live in a rural area which makes things harder. I hate cities. And I feel like moving is the selfish thing to do. Why? Because two years ago my boyfriend moved here for me, We don’t live together but thats the plan. He now has a decent job here after a long time living here and making himself poor. He did that for me. Moving away feels like giving up on him. I know if I said this to anyone they’d judge me. I’ve always considered myself a feminist and staying put for a man doesn’t fit what I believe. But we’ve been together a long time now, and it’s not the case of he wouldn’t do it for me, because he did!!
What’s really not helping is people. People asking questions. People pittying me. People judging me. People telling me not to stress. People telling me ‘that’s life’. As if this input is gonig to make me feel any better. I’m fucking miserable all the time. Just talking about the future makes me want to cry. I feel guilty every penny I spend. Most of my friends don’t live near by. And I no longer have things to talk about with people because I don’t work and I’m not socialising. You know Hugh Grant in About a Boy? I feel like that, but poor.
My life is just watching other people do well. Or even just watching people do something. Because that’s more than me right now.
When I went to uni, people told me to enjoy it. Make the most of it. Join a society. Well that’s exactly what I did. And i regret it more and more each day. I should have got a job. Then I’d have something else to put down on my CV other than I’m moderately clever. My grades aren’t good enough to rely on them alone.