Some Infinitys Are Larger Than Others Infinities

Sorry if you’re hear for math, there’s bound to be some but my major goal here is to have a place to put my thoughts. Thank you and good night

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One of the ways that I have come to recognize when I am really sick is when I find myself staring bleary eyed at some task which would not have taken all of my energy if I wasn’t.

Most of the time I don’t see this until the next day. By this time people saw me accomplish what I did yesterday, see that I’m more lucid today, and expect at least the same level of performance.

So even though I know that I can’t actually handle it, that the reserves are gonna have to come from somewhere, I push on. I do what people expect, and let myself fall to the wayside. Until I’m better I always tell myself.

This is why it is so hard for me to keep a personal project alive. It’s worth less than those that I do for other people.

I’ve gotten weak. I can’t push past the not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. I can’t push past the wall keeping me from the outside. The longer I let it stand the harder it gets and I just can’t bring myself to topple it.

But that’s the rub. I’m not going to feel better until I do.

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When I say I love you

Ok. So, I’m ten, or eighteen, or somewhere in between and it doesn’t really matter

Because each time I feel the same

We’re at church camp but it could have just as easily been in someone’s back yard

I love you guys, Hannah says. Recounting a tearful story of kitchen knives and fear

I love you, the weight of her head on my stomach, and my head moving up and down as he belly laughs.

I love you, the press of a shoulder at the crowded lunch table

I love you, a hug from every. Last. Person.

I love you, a midnight text

I love you, your arm around my shoulders

I love you, freely given, no response needed

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Be gentle with me

I’m am tired, and yet cannot sleep. I dread getting up in the morning in a way that I haven’t before.

I’ll survive I always do. But I need you to be there.

Not the frightend boy who knows not how to hold me

Not the stoic stranger who pretends everything is so small

But you. Who tells me that I’m silly, and loves me anyway.

You who will meet me at the airport with an easy smile

Who will open your arms for a hug as a girl a whole sadness lighter runs into them.

I don’t understand what is wrong with me. I am not in pain. But this is the worst I have felt in a long time.

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Will you be mad

Will you be mad that I let you sleep on the floor

Because a twin sized mattress doesn’t have enough space for two kind-of-realized adults?

Because I can’t sleep when it doesn’t feel like something is right?

Will you be mad, because I cry?

I know you think it’s a social construct.

And that tears are just meant to stop people from continuing as normal.

Will you be mad because I try to text you everyday?

Sometimes I’m convinced that you’d rather be alone. That forced interaction is worse than no interaction at all.

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Still love

They can be disappointed, and still love you

They can be sad, and still love you

They can be tired, and still love you

They can want to be alone, and still love you

They can still love you

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I love you

Screamed like I hate you, but at a volume more befitting

I was stressed

And afraid

And tired

And cold

And I could see you think,

I don’t think I do.

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Layers of indirection

Maybe that’s why this isn’t helping as much

There’s no chance you’ll see it

The formats wrong

I’m not good at using page layout to get you to feel things.

I’m not good at choosing the right words

The right diction

The right

I get caught up in this high place

There isn’t the danger

Of that little green arrow.

This can’t even accidentally be sent.

.

It’s safer too.

I can say what I think I mean without having to worry

About how it sounds

What it could mean

If this is the thing that changes it all

.

But that means I don’t have to talk myself down

And it’s the talking that helps

It’s the realizing that while my experience is valid, it is not the only truth

The trying to understand what is actually happening

Rather than what feels like it is

.

I don’t know how to get it back.

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You don’t have to be perfect

They can be disappointed and still love you

They can be tired and still love you

They can want to be alone and still love you

They can think about other things and still love you

.

You can be gross and still be loved

You can be sick and still be loved

You can be anxious

You can be depressed

tired

off

And still be loved

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I miss you

I miss the way

you can tell when I’m

Excited

Happy

Fine

Energetic

Ok

And when I’m not

.

I miss the way

Your arms feel around me

I love you

As you hold me close

.

I miss the way

You hold yourself

When you’re excited

Sharing

Having a good time

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Not good enough

The creature sits on my shoulder

“Not good enough” he says

Looking down I know that he is right

.

I’ve beat him enough to send the application

Or maybe I haven’t

Because as I send it in, he sits back in his lawn chair and drawls

“Not good enough”

I roll my eyes and continue

.

I put the last cup back, and from my shoulder I hear

“Not good enough”

“What are you talking about this is fi-“

I turn around, and I see

.

It’s late

Sleep is nice

“Not good enough” he says

Pulling the sheets up to his chin

“What is it this time?” I ask

He shakes his head and turns away from me

“Not enough”

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Trying to sleep

The lights are down

The bed is warm

The text has been sent

Close my eyes

.

And I can feel my heart beat.

Are my hands shaking?

The light it off

I know I’m breathing

I know I’m doing it wrong

.

Pick up my phone

I know this feeling,

I’ve known it as long as I’ve known me.

Think about why

.

Why money is weird

Why silence is cause for concern

Why I’m feeling this way

Why calms me down.

.

I can rationalize myself out of a lot of things

When I’m awake.

.

The lights are off

The bed is warm

And in the darkness my heart comes to get me.

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“Relationships are all right, I guess” - Turtle 2019

There’s two ways

To read this

Youre serious

This is to much work,

and there are second thoughts

Contact shouldn’t be made

I’ve done something wrong again

You lied when you said you weren’t mad

at me for that night

We’re not ok

But somehow the universe is telling me that’s not true.

The universe has been really nice to me lately.

Maybe I should get it flowers.

You’re joking

We both know relationships have ups

and downs

That everything isn’t peachy

That they won’t solve every problem

But things are nice

There’s someone who has your back

We’re fine

But May might have the wrong idea

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Contented concern

This is a very different concern.

This isn’t the stumic twisting does he like me

Not the finger twitching am I good enough

It’s a smooth what if. A breezy are you ok?

It’s an I miss you, without the sadness.

A can we call? Without the desperation.

A yeah I can do that, without the relinquence of sovernty

Concern is a constant state of being, and this is my favorite.

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Trying to sleep

I’ve turned out the lights

Sent the goodnight text

I put the phone down and I can feel my heart beat.

If the lights where on I would check if my hands where stable.

I know I’m breathing. I know I’m doing it wrong.

I know these symptoms

I’ve known them, and the feeling of being freaked out as long as I’ve known me.

Pick up the phone, light up my face

Think about why

Why spending money freaks me out

Why silence concerns me

Why anxiety masks so many other feelings

Why calms me down.

I can rationalize myself out of a lot of things.

When I’m awake.

But I’ve sent the text

And I put down the phone

And in the dark my heart comes to get me.