The Bug That Lives

Sergeant Gary Sanderson at your service. I just go by Roach, though. 

[allamericanmustache]

“Since when is Mayfair scary? …I could absolutely give Brennan an order, but I doubt you want anyone to know I did that. You’re the one that would have to deal with the fallout once all of this is settled.”

“Son. Bullets can’t even kill you. I think a little Louisiana hot sauce won’t even stagger you.”

[cantsquishthis]

“Sir, she puts fish heads in soup. They have eyes and everything! I... ok, you’re right. S- Riley would make fun of me over it. But at least I wouldn’t be dead, you know?”

“It’s not hot sauce though! It’s the chocolate of pure evil! It’s a chili pepper that is all ground up and it’s so bad that Light admitted it made her cry. She’s half cajun spice!”

[cantsquishthis]

“Sir, we’re talking about escaping from an island. It’s really really really important too, because of a bet. Light said if I couldn’t get it by dinner she would make me eat one of her spicy chocolates…”

“She’s from Louisiana, sir. I’m from Washington D.C. I don’t think I’ll survive.”

[allamericanmustache]

“Speaking as a Reading PA native, I’ll pray for you. Speaking as your commanding officer, I don’t think there’s anything I can do for you. This isn’t worth the brain trauma. Even if you win this, you’re going to lose in the long run.”

“…Any chance you could develop a fast-acting and potentially fatal allergy to most Cajun spices?”

[cantsquishthis]

“Can’t you make an order to Light or something? You’re the General! You’re more scary than Julia is... no disrespect intended. Um... I’m allergic to strawberries. That’s the same thing, right?”

“I’m gonna die.”

[codenamenikolai]

“I cannot believe you are trying to convince me that The Joker and Superman are better than Star Tours and Splash Mountain. Who raised you? And look, Anakin Skywalker was a victim of circumstance! I will not have you besmirch his name!”

[cantsquishthis]

“Splash Mountain is old news! I admit Star Tours is a nice... attraction, but Superman is awesome. It’s a VR ride now, you’re flying through the city while riding the rollercoaster! Nikolai, Anakin changed when he became Darth Vader. It was unfortunate but it doesn’t change how Vader’s breathing gave m- erm, my sister nightmares!”

[codenamenikolai]

“…Disney. Owns. Marvel. That, and you’re passing up the opportunity to meet Darth Vader.”

[cantsquishthis]

“DC is better, though. The rides are usually better too! The Joker and Superman are the best. Darth Vader kills people! He’s scary!”

[allamericanmustache]

“Not sure a CD would be strong enough as a makeshift knife. Sharp enough, but not able to last. You might be on to something with that raft though. We might be focusing too hard on the banjo. It might be a red herring–”

“What the hell am I talking about?”

[cantsquishthis]

“Sir, we’re talking about escaping from an island. It’s really really really important too, because of a bet. Light said if I couldn’t get it by dinner she would make me eat one of her spicy chocolates...”

“She’s from Louisiana, sir. I’m from Washington D.C. I don’t think I’ll survive.”

[codenamenikolai]

“You’re going to allow a fear of anthropomorphic rodents to put you off the idea of going to the Star Wars ride? I thought you were a fan, Gary.”

[cantsquishthis]

“I am! I love Star Wars too much to see it... ruined. Six Flags, on the other hand, has the best superhero rollercoasters!”

[allamericanmustache]

“…Bit too passive for me, but I’m sure there’s a way to use the banjo strings and the CD to catch the light. Attract passing boats when the sun hits just right. Something like that.”

[cantsquishthis]

“That’s what I said! They both said I was wrong. They even laughed at me. Hm... maybe you could play the banjo really loud to attract boats. Or like, break the CD to make really sharp parts to cut vines and stuff. Then you could build a raft!”

[codenamenikolai]

“Greatest place on earth? Does Disneyland mean nothing to you, Bug?”

[cantsquishthis]

“Yeah! Disneyland is weird. The mouse guy scares me. Plus Six Flags has cooler rides, soo...”

[enduredxdefiance]

“Because I’ve never had one?” Well, it seemed important to Roach so War would go along with it. “I don’t really know who you would be able to talk into going to the store.” Roach could probably be more convincing than her but, even with his gifts of persuasion, she doubted it could be done.  

[cantsquishthis]

“Hm...” Roach surveyed the room thoughtfully. “I know three people... but I already owe one for a favor, so he’s out. And another is grumpy lately...” Roach put his hands on his hips, frowning. He twisted his head to give War an almost pleading look. “Do you think any of your friends would do it?”

[allamericanmustache]

“I think Riley was having fun at your expense, Roach. Just a thought.”

[cantsquishthis]

“But... does this mean you don’t know either, because Light said she figured it out and we made a be- uh... nevermind that part.”

[enduredxdefiance]

Well, she knew what a K-bar was. She had just assumed it was similar to that. “Honestly? No. I’ve never heard of that.” No point in even trying to lie. “It’s an ice cream bar?” She was familiar with ice cream but she had never had that before. “Why do we need to get one right now?”

[cantsquishthis]

“It is. We have to get one right now because you’ve never had one! There’s none on base, so we’ll have to go to the store... unless we can get someone to get them for us! Any ideas?”

[cantsquishthis]

“Never, sir. If you were on a deserted island with only a banjo, a bottle of water, and a Celine Dion album, on CD, how would you escape?”

[allamericanmustache]

“…”

“Son–”

[cantsquishthis]

“I know! It’s hard, right? Si- Erm, Lieutenant Riley told me it was a joke, but I think he made it up. I can’t figure it out.”

[cantsquishthis]

shepherd: they are the most elite warriors on the planet!!!!!!!!!!!

roach: [opens his mouth]

shepherd: no not that one

[cantsquishthis]

@askwar

“This is ridiculous! We have this big base of all these elite soldiers… but where are the Klondike bars?”

[enduredxdefiance]

War’s head tilted ever so slightly at the name. “The what? What is that? Like a knife?”

[cantsquishthis]

“A knife?!” Roach looked around, appalled, then gave War a look of horror. “A Klondike bar! You never had one? It’s the greatest ice cream bar on the Earth, we have to go get one right now.”

[cantsquishthis]

@allamericanmustache

“Permission to speak freely, sir?”

[allamericanmustache]

“Granted. Don’t make me regret that.”

[cantsquishthis]

“Never, sir. If you were on a deserted island with only a banjo, a bottle of water, and a Celine Dion album, on CD, how would you escape?”

[cantsquishthis]

@allamericanmustache

“Permission to speak freely, sir?”

[cantsquishthis]

@askwar

“This is ridiculous! We have this big base of all these elite soldiers... but where are the Klondike bars?”